Monday, December 3, 2012


I spoke with my father yesterday. He asked about my ex husband and if he is currently paying child support. My parents are divorced and he paid child support himself.  During the time he had to pay it he was an alcoholic. That being said, I told him no, my ex is not. He is currently five months behind and should be having his drivers licence suspended soon. I went on to say how some people get really upset about this and feel that the government should take his entire paycheck and put it towards his arrears. I do not agree. Everyone has to be able to live and have funds to do so. My father went on to say he feels they should put my ex in jail. That would motivate him to work hard at keeping a job so he can provide for the children he helped create. He said " Jennifer, don't you think that man is eating, drinking, smoking and buying things for himself? He's probably buying things for that woman he married and other people. He doesn't bother calling or seeing them. Why shouldn't he at least provide for his kids?" For some reason that really got to me. I thought about it all day. I guess since he was dealing with addiction and still paid child support. I still visited him. He still called me. I will admit, my father wasn't my favorite person during that time. He's since recovered and we are growing closer. His words just kept replaying in my head. I even dreamed about it last night. My ex was somehow in my house with all these boxes filled with toys and such that he was mailing out to other kids. I saw a box of toy cars addressed to a Matthew. I was so heart broken as my son doesn't even know the man exists. Not that Bronson is missing out. Bryan is a much better example of how a man should behave, and provide. I just don't want my kids to feel that their natural father doesn't love them. Mylie still asks about him all the time. Talise doesn't bother because she is really hurt by it all. Talise has even reached out to some of his family and didn't even get a return call or text It really hurts her. She feels unloved and alone. That breaks my heart. My kids did not ask for any of this. I expected more from his family. I never would have imagined that he wouldn't see his kids. Mylie has been slowly opening up and telling me things. It seems he had them lie to me  lot as well. I am grateful that they no longer have that pressure on them. I just hate that they have to experience pain and feel rejected. I wish their were a way to explain it that they could understand they are amazing. It is his ignorance and loss. I heard that he regrets listening to his brother and stopping seeing them, yet he's made no effort to correct that. I hope to shake this heavy heart now that I've gotten this off of my chest. I will never understand anyone ever being OK with not seeing their children.

Monday, November 26, 2012

So not ready

Before I even had Bree I dreaded having to go back to work from maternity leave. Silly, I know. Knowing that she is my last baby is very difficult for me. I don't want to miss anything. So I have counted the weeks and tried to not worry about it. Over all I did good. For some reason I had it in my head that I go back to work 12/15. I got up today to count the weeks again so I could call my boss to get put on the December schedule. I miscounted. I go back 12/8. I even called Human Resources to be sure. Now I am a mess. I have cried off and on all day. My stomach is in knots. I feel confidant in my husband and I know she will be properly cared for. I look forward to having my own money again and seeing my co-workers. I just really want to bring her with me. I know that is not at all a possibility. I love my job. It's just that I will never experience any of those firsts again. No more lasts either. She's recently started cooing a lot. She stares at me now. She looks for me in a room when someone else holds her. She seeks me out when she hears my voice. I am going to miss her terribly. I keep telling myself it's only two days. Seems like nothing but it is two very long, entire days. I will only get to sleep beside her. That's the only time I will get. I will make it. I did with Bronson. I thought he was my last too. Ugh.

Thursday, November 15, 2012

Two Months!

I cannot wrap my brain around my tiny little baby being two months old already. It feels like we just came home from the hospital. She's much fatter than she used to be. She is in a size 1 diaper and filling out her newborn clothes now. She smiles at me now. She still sleeps most of the day, but she has started cooing when she is awake. She loves her bath. We are establishing a night time routine. A bottle, a good man belch, then a warm bath. I use the night time baby wash and pour warm water over her little belly while she lays back in the baby sling inside the tub. She coos, smiles and looks around. As soon as I lift her from the water she starts crying. She'd sleep in that tub if I let her. Once out and wrapped up, I give her a baby massage with gel oil, get her a fresh diaper and warm pajama's and her paci. She usually drifts off within a half hour of all this. I love cuddling with her. She is like a mini space heater. She nestles up super close and zonks out. I can breathe in her sweet baby smell and kiss her little head. I cannot believe this is my last go at this. It is bittersweet. I hold Bree as much as I can. Often, I'll feel guilty because I feel I am neglecting Bronson. Any time he comes to me I try to put her down and scoop him up. He's started to kiss and rub Bree more often. He sees that it please us. He's a good boy. He seems to have stopped trying to punish me. I'm torn at no more babies. I feel so foolish even letting that out. I have four beautiful healthy children. My last pregnancy wasn't fun. It wasn't horrible, but not fun. I'm not a fan of getting huge and uncomfortable. I love labor though. The entire process of having a baby is so miraculous. Such a tremendous blessing. Newborns are the most precious thing in the world. All the tiny baby noises, grunts and squirms. Feeling them on your chest.  I am soaking up as much of it as I can from Bree. She seems happy to oblige. I am grateful for every day I have with my babies. I am very protective of them. The idea of going back to work worries me. I just don't want to miss anything. This is my last chance at this. I wish their were a way for me to stay home and not miss a detail at all. At this time their simply isn't. Luckily I have my mother in law to help my husband. I know my babies are in good hands. I'm not worried about them in that sense any ways. I just worry that I'll miss a first. I didn't want to miss any firsts with the others either. This time seems so final that it weighs on me more to witness them all. I want to remember the lasts as well. I was speaking to my grand mother in law yesterday and she was asking if Bree was feeling better. I realized that Bree had indeed quit coughing, but I couldn't point out when. That's the thing with having three so close together, and four total. I am a busy woman! Someone always needs something. I had all four sick at the same time, all with something different. Thankfully, they are all well now. I know they all finished their medicines, but I don't remember when each of their symptoms stopped. With my oldest I could have told you for sure. I was all over her. I try really hard to be all over them all. I think I do a good job. I just need to write it ALL down. Between laundry for 6 people, 3 meals plus snacks, school, doctors, dentists, orthodontists, extra curriculars, shopping and everyday life I just can't. I have an agenda to keep up with everything else. I look forward to work for that reason. Adult time, and a get away. The same time, I don't want to leave her.  I'm torn. Time to stop all this! I will live in the now and stop worrying about the rest. Two months already! Wow!

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

So grateful

I was driving to go pick Mylie up from school this afternoon and it just hit me. I am abundantly grateful for the life I have today. It has been a long hard road to get here. I have a vehicle that cranks every time I get in it. All it's functions works properly (heat, ac, radio). I have a cute little house to live in and we are looking into something bigger. Not just looking, but we will actually be able to move. It's not just wishful thinking. I have a good job that I enjoy doing. I have 4 beautiful, funny, smart children. My parents are still a live. I have amazing in laws that treat my children as their true grand kids. I have been given such a blessing their. Their biological grand parents don't treat them as well, heck they don't even know their father's parents. I am able to provide all the clothing, diapers, toys and treats they can ask for. I don't but i can. For those that have known me the longest know that is a big deal. Their was a time I had to ask for diaper money. Things aren't rosy, I mean this is life. Things happen, feelings get hurt, this is real. I'll take this over what I had any day. I am happy. I am grateful.

Saturday, November 3, 2012

Under the weather

Sickness has struck our household. So far only Bryan and I am exempt. I sure hope I didn't just curse us by typing that out. Talise started getting sick the week after Bree was born. It just sounded like drainage making her cough so I just gave her OTC meds and we were riding it out. The next week Miss Mylie was coughing too. So much for my assumption. No fevers or anything so I gave her cough medicine.Well, Mylie started getting random low grade fevers and Bronson woke up barking so the Monday before Halloween we went to see the expert. I hauled Talise in too, feeling like a neglectful parent for not bringing my oldest in sooner. She obviously did not feel the same way. She was so angry I made her go to the pediatrician. Talise had an ear infection, Mylie had bronchitis and Bronson had croup.  We got all their meds filled and went home. All week we have been cleaning and spraying Lysol. We have tried are best to keep the germs at bay and all the kids away from Bree. I was hoping they would all be better by Halloween. Mylie had her first Halloween party at school. She was so excited to tell me about it when I picked her up from school. By the time we got home she zonked out immediately on the sofa. When we woke her up to see if she still wanted to go she said yes but was really ornery. Bronson refused to wear his costume, Mylie would only put on part of hers. Talise went with her friends and off we went to a neighborhood that actually has trick or treaters. They seemed to have fun. Once Bronson realized that when you knock on strangers doors they open up and give you candy he was completely on board. He even tried going into a lady's house! He LOVED seeing pets dressed up. I could tell they still weren't well because they only went around one block and Mylie said she had enough candy, she was ready to go home.  It was fine with us.  We got them loaded in the car and they were asleep before we got going. The next day I got the call...Mylie had a fever at school. I picked her up and called the pediatrician. Bree had started coughing that morning as well. They couldn't be seen until the next day. Mylie went and laid in her bed to watch television. Bronson came up to me and laid his head on my lap, he was hot. He had a fever. Then Mylie came in and was really hot. I took her temperature, it was 104.5! I took them both to Urgent Care. Mylie needed a breathing treatment and tested positive for strep. So she was sent home with an inhaler and antibiotics. Bronson had a bad middle ear infection, so antibiotics and pain relief for him. Friday morning we all headed to the pediatrician for Miss Bree. She, thankfully, only has an upper respiratory infection. We bought a humidifier, little noses drops and baby vapor rub. This morning they are all playing and aggravating each other so I believe the medicine is working. Lots of sniffles, chasing faces to wipe noses, Lysol spraying and wiping going on in our home. If only we could get little prisspot breathing better we would all be happy.

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

What a life!

Little Miss Bree is such a sweet baby. She is doted on by everyone in our family. Even Bronson has come around and started kissing her little head. She has finally started to enjoy her bath. Even though she is a tiny thing still, she really like her baby bath tub. It has a mesh sling that she lays in that dips into the warm water. She is so small and her little bottom is so sensitive she has a rash on it that just won't go away. I have taken her to the pediatrician about it. They say it is because her skin is so thin from being so tiny. So we now have a new diaper changing regimen for the queen. We now use warm water and a wash cloth to wipe her bum, we use the hair dryer to blow her bottom dry then apply two layers of two different diaper creams on her tush. She loves such lavish treatment. Once that hair dryer comes on she goes to mush. She just soaks it in and nearly every time she gets so relaxed she either pees or poops one more time during the dry off. We have also been giving her oatmeal baths at night. She just hangs out, relaxing while having warm water poured over her. Once out of the tub we give her a baby massage with cream oil, blow her bottom dry (twice usually) and get her in cozy pajamas. Once she eats that baby girl is in a comatose state! She will literally lay limp staring off into space for a while before falling asleep. It's so funny to us because she is quite the wiggle tail otherwise. She makes a lot of people nervous with her constant motion.
I mentioned before that Bronson has started to kiss Bree. Well, the green eyed monster has reared it's ugly head as well. Yesterday, while getting dressed, Bronson was playing quietly in my room. I'm doing my thing and I hear Bree, who was asleep in her mamaroo, start screaming. I poke my head out the door and see my sweet little fella smacking the tar out of Bree's little head over and over! I ran over and put his butt in his room and locked the gate! That poor little girl was sleeping away and got woken up by being smacked in the darn head! She was covered in toys too. Needless to say, he now either gets locked in whatever room I am in with me, or in his room with the baby gate locked. I figured it was just a matter of time. He is so much calmer than my other girls were I had my fingers crossed jealousy would peek much later on. Maybe it still will. Maybe that was just the beginning rather than the peak. I sure hope not. Other than the one smack down, Bree has a darn good life I think. I never though I'd be blowing my child's bum dry about 10 times a day, but you do what you've got to do to have a healthy happy queen!

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

One Month!

My sweet little snuggle muffin is one month old. It has been quite an adjustment. We are all adapting well though. She is such a sweet girl. She is more alert and seems happy except for during diaper changes and when she's hungry. Bryan, who swears he loves all the kids equally, has started to kiss and love on her a lot more often. She lays in bed with me at night to nurse while we watch television. He leans over and rubs her head or belly and kisses her little head. She will just stare at him. He's slowly building confidence caring for her. He has to just move a bit quicker when changing her diapers. He still takes a while and she gets crazy mad.  She has finally gotten big enough for me to feel comfortable giving her a bath in her baby tub. I still held her with one hand the entire time. She liked her tub better than bathing in the big tub with me. All her siblings are still doting on her a lot. Bronson has even started to touch her tiny feet and kiss her on the head. Her cousins seem smitten as well. It is sweet. Her features have softened, but she still looks like her daddy. She is MY girl though. I can settle her the fastest and at night she can just lay close to me and drift off with out her paci or nursing. I know it's because I am her momma, her food source, and she lived within me. It still feels so special to know I am her ticket. She has gained a total of 1 pound 3 ounces and grew 2 whole inches! She is finally starting to fit into her newborn clothes. She blows through diapers like a machine! I am down to my last box of newborn diapers. I had bought 3 boxes of 96, plus 3 small packs and she went through two hospital packs and a pack of preemie's. She is nursing well too, although sometimes she will nurse off of both sides and then still take an ounce or two of formula. It's crazy because I worried so much while pregnant with her. I worried about how she'd look, if she'd fit in with my other kids, how Bryan would treat her. I worried if I'd love her the same, if I'd like another girl after having Bronson. Well, she's turned out beautiful. My kids adore her so far. I hope she will resemble them more as she grows. Bryan does treat her differently. I have to talk to him about it a lot. He tends to try to punish my kids by saying they can't hold or kiss Bree. That is not allowed! I want them all bonded to each other equally, no outsiders! He is much more affectionate with Bree, I knew that would happen though. I feel it would be un-natural if he wasn't. I hope he will be more conscious of it and start being more affectionate with all the others. I do love Bree the same as my other children. Even after having my sweet boy. He still has a special place in my heart though. Those big blue eyes and precious smile will always make me mush! He is my sweet fella, that will never change. Bree is just as special to me. She is a wonderful addition to our family.

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

I Should Be Napping

I really should just close my eyes and rest. I have had such a good day today that I just cannot do it. My girls are back in school. No fighting in the house this afternoon. My son is well again. Bronson, Bree and I went for our walk. It was so nice out. Fall is in the air. Bree snuggled up close and slept, Bronson did his usual talking to the barking dogs and pointing out flowers, insects and animals. I listened and breathed. That is it. Is was so peaceful and relaxing. I have had lunch. Bree has been changed and fed. Bronson was changed, he fell asleep on the way home. Bree is asleep now. I've got the windows open and the ceiling fans on. I am curled up on the sofa, cozy under my daughter's fleece blanket. It is a great day. The only thing that could make it better would be to have my husband home and to have a pumpkin spice latte spiked with something good. This is the first really good day I have had in a while. I think I was deficient in some of my vitamins. I've increased my prenatals to twice a day, started back on my Magnesium and have actually remembered my iron supplements every day last week. Since doing so my headaches have gone away or been extremely mild. I have not felt overwhelmed at all today. Hopefully I didn't just cursed myself by saying that.

Monday, October 8, 2012

Losing it

The weight that is, heck, my mind too! I can only do minimal exercise at this point post partem. I do what I am able to though. Slowly I see my body coming back. Flabby, but I cannot tone just yet. Maybe it's only slowly to me. Bree was 3 weeks old Saturday. My fat girl, pre-pregnancy pants fit perfect straight from the dryer, after about 20 minutes of wearing them they are baggy. I have serious muffin top in my normal jeans though. I won't be sporting those for a bit. Here's a few wonderful bathroom self portraits of my progress.
The day I went into labor. About 12 hours before she was born.

11 days post partem.

23 days post partem, a fine looking fella and sliver of a beautiful girl trying to get away with the tooth brushes.

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Spread Thin

I have good children. Not perfect, but good. Even so I have been feeling mentally and emotionally exhausted. Tested, thoroughly, by each of them in their own way. I really thought that having a fourth wouldn't be a big change. I basically raised Bronson alone from the moment he was born. Mylie had just turned two and was very difficult. She was mean to Bronson. She'd hit, slap and scream in his face every chance she got. Maybe because I was free from my ex husband, or because I was preoccupied with the divorce, but it seemed pretty easy. Not all days were wonderful, but the transition from two to three just happened easily. Bronson was an easy baby too though. Bree is a good baby. She had me worried at first because she had a difficult start with nursing, but we've since worked that out. For some reason this time is different. I feel as if I am treading water. Not depressed, just pulled in every direction. Someone always needs something from me. I really want my husband to anticipate my needs more. Jump in and offer more parenting help. I've told him this but he doesn't seem to really get it. He cleans, picks up food, does what ever chore I ask. The thing is, I would rather do the chores just so I can get into my head and ignore the demands of me. During the week the babies and I go for walks. They are the best part of my day. Bree falls asleep nestled against my heart in her Moby wrap. Bronson sits happily in his stroller listening to the birds chirp, pointing out squirrels and babbling away. It is peaceful. We all enjoy it. Since bringing Bree home, Bronson has quit napping until we go to pick up Mylie. He used to nap around 1:00 or so. Now he's up until we leave to get his sister. He sleeps in the car, and sometimes for an hour or so once we are home. This means I do not get a break all day long. No breaks ever. I try to clean when Bree sleeps. I play with Bronson as often as possible. We cuddle a lot. He still punishes me when I am doing something I have to do, like feeding his sister. He'll get into what ever he knows he shouldn't and watch me while he does it. I've corrected him more in these last two weeks than I have ever had to.  It is exhausting. It makes me feel like dirt. I love him with every part of me. Mylie is still being amazing with her sister. She is so in love with Bree and so proud to have a little sister. Talise has been extremely mouthy, argumentative, and unpleasant to be around. She still helps me a lot, but usually complains loudly about doing so.  I try to show her appreciation and be patient with her, but honestly I have lost my temper more than once and yelled.  I don't think she realizes what a stresser it is for me when she doles out the attitude. I already cannot win with my husband. Every weekend we tip toe around the house trying to let him sleep even though I am up multiple times a night. So far, he's stormed out of the bedroom fussing about us being loud each time. If I turn on the night light to change Bree, it's a problem. If I take her out of the bedroom to change her, I'll wake the other kids, so that is also a problem. Every time I've asked for help he's done it, after either running his mouth, rolling his eyes or exhaling loudly. When I just do everything and complain about hurting from doing it he comes back with " Stop! Just tell me what you need and I'll help you." No, really he whines first. I cannot stand it.  He usually thinks about what he's said or done and tries to make it up to me, but it has gotten old.  So I am feeling overwhelmed. Rather than feeling blissful about not being pregnant any longer, or my sweet newborns snuggles, I feel as though I am stretched so tight just one more pull and I'll break. I want to be able to relax a bit, take a nap, not feel so inadequate and insecure, soak up my new baby, be blissfully happy. I want to not cringe at all the noise my kids playing makes. I 'm sure most of this is still hormones, baby blues or what ever, but I'm ready to be past it.

Sunday, September 30, 2012

A new look, and two weeks already!

I've decided since I now have four children my blog could use a new title and new look. Obviously, I have fertility problems worked out. I mean I've got four means of proof.I really think stress was the issue.  We were always broke, he rarely worked, and we fought a lot. Moving Bree was a delightful surprise.  I cannot believe she is already 2 weeks old! She's become an excellent nurser, a super snuggler, hates a bath and a diaper change. She still mostly eats, sleeps, poops and poops some more. She is finally gaining weight! She is still in preemie clothes though, and swims in even preemie diapers. She is a crazy sleeper!

Bronson has started Acknowledging Bree finally. Only every now and then. He has also decided to punish me, I assume for bringing her home. He will come over and lay his sweet little head in my lap and say I wuv eww ( I love you) and just melt my heart. Then, as soon as Bree needs to nurse or something he will stare me down while being naughty. He's taken up kicking, chasing his big sister with sticks, coloring on walls, back talk, digging in the pantry, sneaking food to his room. Just about anything he knows he should not be doing. Things he would not do if I were free to correct him. I have swatted his bottom a few times, but I am trying to be patient with him and give him more love. During the day when I am the only parent home I try not to hold Bree as often so I can dote on him more. He eats it up, but still punishes me to keep me in check. He is the boss after all.
Mylie and Talise are both being awesome. Mylie begs to hold Bree as soon as she wakes up, as soon as she gets home, and before bed at night. She kisses her all the time and professes her love for Bree multiple times a day. Talise helps me out in the mornings before she heads to school. She'll either hold Bree for me while I get Mylie ready for school and Bronson fed and changed or She'll take care of Bronson while I handle the other. After her Mylie goes to bed Talise holds and cuddles Bree. She tells her how pretty she is, how cute she looks in whatever she is wearing or helps with diaper changes and baths.  Talise is a bigger helper than my husband with Bree. He is more of, I'll clean or pick up dinner than let me change her or get her in new clothes. As long as it all gets done I am OK with it. I will admit, I get overwhelmed. Between non-stop talking, pre-teen attitude, know it all toddlers, tantrums and a defenseless infant that is completely dependant on me, I have had a tantrum or two of my own! I have cried, yelled, and just walked away. I have found that getting out of the house, talking my littlest two for a walk really helps my sanity. I took all four today. Big mistake. Not relaxing at all. The older girls can find a fight in anything. For now on it'll be just me and the babies. I will survive. I will thrive. I will be the absolute best parent I can be. Not perfect, but my best.

Monday, September 24, 2012

Luckiest girl in the World

I know she's mine, but she looks nothing like me. I sit and stare at her and see none of my features at all. Not even a little. She is, however, so completely loved it is unreal. I truly hope she realizes this as she grows. She is always in someones arms.  Every now and then she gets put in her Mamaroo or crib. Between the girls and I, she is often snuggled. Bryan doesn't hold her quite as much, but he has his moments. My mother-in-law holds her and smothers her with kisses when she's over. My father-in-law held her his entire visit. She nestled up under his chin on his chest and got cozy and he just ate it up. My brother held and loved her. My sister-in-law held her mos of her visit. Even her 5 year old cousin held her, smiling down at her while he was here. My father was afraid to hold her because she is so small, but he raved and raved about how she is the most beautiful baby  he has ever saw. I think I've heard that more with her than any of my other children.  It blows my mind. Of course I think she is stunning. I thought so from the moment I laid eyes on her. It brought me to tears. I can honestly say she is the only baby I've had that I thought was gorgeous straight from the womb. My others were as soon as the swelling from their entry subsided, but Bree cam so fast she didn't even have blotchy skin or a cone head. Plus she is such a tiny little thing, it's just precious. I still cannot believe she is mine, but I am grateful.

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

I must brag

My hospital stay with this delivery was the best experience I've had ever. Not only were all of my nurses, doctor's, cna's, dietary ladies, and cleaning staff super nice to me and competent, but my husband was amazing. He was quiet during contractions, that is a big deal for me. I like to just breathe when I hurt. I don't writhe around, scream or whimper.I get inside my head and talk myself through it. In order to do that effectively I need silence and he was respectful of that. When it was go time he stood by me, holding my hand with one hand and rubbing my head with the other. He was encouraging, looked excited while I pushed and helped hold my head forward during pushes. What's even better is that Bryan was dressed well, he cut up with my nurses, acted concerned and asked appropriate questions. He was so compassionate and loving the entire time we were there. This all may seem like common place behavior but it is not at all what I am used to. With my ex husband, any time I was in the hospital for anything, we had an argument. He was often disrespectful to the staff, he would do things that embarrassed me and speak poorly to me. He didn't limit his bad behavior just to births, any hospitalization was open opportunity to be horrid. When I had Talise he made remarks about how fat I still was. With Mylie, as soon as the nurse walked in to triage me he decided he didn't like her. His reason was that she was black and foreign. It didn't matter that she was very pleasant. Every time she spoke to him the response was said hatefully and I had to hear about ho much he didn't want her in the room every time she left the room. I had pre-term labor with Bronson. When he arrived he was wearing an old pair of orange swim trunks that had a hole in the crotch and a too small, stained orange t shirt and his yard shoes. The kids looked dirty and weren't dressed appropriately either. He sat out in the hall rather than in the room with us. When the doctor came in and explained why he was keeping me and the importance of bed rest, he got pissed off because the doctor looked at me when he spoke. He picked a fight with me about it. When I actually had Bronson, we argued about the time I had to go into the hospital, he didn't have enough rest before hand. He slept while I labored. He acted very disinterested, even when they lost Bronson's heartbeat and what seemed like dozens of nurses rushed into the room, rolling me from side to side, mentioning scary things like prolapsed cord (not the case) and compressed cord. He just stood there. When I asked that he call my mother, he did, but then wouldn't allow her to stay while I pushed and refused to cut the umbilical cord. He sat frowned up in the corner most of my stay, and when they came to take my son to be circumcised, something we had already discussed in great length, he acted like a fool. Raising his voice, complaining about be victim to all these stupid Americans. I've also never come home to a clean house before after having a baby. That has always bothered me. Who wants to bring a new baby home to a mess? He never stayed with me while I was in the hospital, not that I really wanted him to. What I am getting to is this: I got to experience the exact opposite and it was heaven. My mother in law was such a tremendous blessing. She came the night I went into labor. She brought my kids to meet Bree on her birthday. Bryan only went home for a couple of hours so she could go prepare meals for my father in law as he had just had a massive heart attack the week before. Bryan stayed with me the entire time. He looked after me, constantly asking what he could do to help me out with Bree. He paid close attention to the doctors orders and the nurses instructions to me. When Bree wouldn't nurse and I started feeling overwhelmed, he reminded me of little tricks that were mentioned to encourage her to latch on. Things that I had forgotten. When we got home...oh my goodness! Not only was their a super cute wreath on the door representing my sweet angel, but my house was spotless. I mean, SPOTLESS! No dirty dishes, no dirty laundry, clean tubs, toilets, floors and counter tops. The kids were fed and all played out. She said she just straightened up some. She did great. I felt such happiness and relief. After visiting with us she offered to go pick up dinner for us, and took Mylie and Bronson with her. After making sure we were all fed she bathed the little ones and put them to bed for us. I felt so much love and care. Since being home Bryan has not let me lift, clean or cook. He's done all the driving and has encouraged me to rest. Now, he is not perfect, far from it. Things haven't been all rosy, but compared to what I am used to, this has been a wonderful experience.

Sunday, September 16, 2012

Bree's arrival

Contractions started Thursday afternoon while I was in the car line waiting to pick up Miss Myliebel. They were about every ten minutes and lasted into the night. I was also blessed with diarrhea. Too much information, I know, but we are talking about a birth here so that is bound to occur. Between the two I was exhausted so I took some Tylenol around mid night and went to bed. Four times I was woken up because the contractions were painful enough and caused a lot of pressure. They were not close enough together to time or anything though. I was frustrated. When I got out of bed at 5 a.m. they were every 6 minutes and lasted about 40 seconds and stayed that way for five hours! I got excited. I texted my husband. They, of course, stopped. Still had diarrhea, now with a bit of nausea just for kicks. I had now reached the point of pure exhaustion with the entire pregnancy. Driving home from getting Mylie I just lost it and started crying. I could take either not feeling anything, OR actual labor but this tease stuff was trying my nerves badly. Once Talise got home from school we had to go order her cake for her birthday party Saturday. I thought maybe walking WalMart would help trigger labor. More TMI warning: we had been doing EVERYTHING recommended that is natural to help start labor, as often as humanly possible with three kids already. I refused to try any oils, or foods. After ordering her cake and messing around the store, still nothing. I was becoming quite irritated. My mother called and while I was speaking with her I noticed they were back. Around 9 p.m. I noticed that they were really starting to pick up and feeling consistent. I started timing them. I told Bryan what was going on as soon as he came to bed. He didn't want to bother his mom until I knew for sure that it was the real thing. So, finally when they were lasting about a minute and a half each time and were 4 minutes apart he broke down and called her. It was 10:45 p.m. The entire ride down to the hospital  he kept talking about how he sure hoped it was really time. I kept fighting the urge to smack him. We got there, checked in and Bryan had to wait in the waiting room while I was triaged in labor and delivery. I was 4 cms dilated, 50% effaced, soft, stretchy and -2 station. They hooked me up to monitors and let Bryan come back.  My contractions were registering off the paper. The numbers were in the 100's. When they said 4 cms I knew for sure that I was there for keeps, until my sweet, newly graduated nurse mentioned having to monitor me for change for an hour before they called the doctor to see IF they would be keeping me. I literally felt myself twitch. I thought, if I get sent home I will have a break down. Thankfully, when they checked me again I had made change. Not sure on how much because my newly graduated yet very sweet nurse said I was 7 cms but the nurse that has worked L&D for the past 16 years said I was more a 4 but 60% effaced.  I did not care one iota as long as I was staying and evicting my womb inhabitant. It was now close to 2 a.m. My doctor was not on call. Praise God it was not a quack that was though. The doctor that shares my Ob's office was on call. I had never seen him, but he was very nice. When he came in to check me it felt like he went in elbow deep. I was contracting and debating kicking him away, but chose to breathe through it instead. This guy had all the power. He said I was 5 cms dilated and to hand him the hook thing (not his words) to break my waters. Yay! Poor guy got soaked. Not just his gloves, up his darn arm. I felt no shame. I was happy to be on my way to the finish line. My sweet nurse mentioned an epidural. I declined as I wanted to wait until the very last minute, until I could no longer take it. I didn't want to slow anything down or risk adding complications by being a puss. Once the my contractions started reading somewhere over 230 I decided it was time. The anesthesiology lady was friendly. It took her four times to properly place my epidural. I had 6 back to back contraction while sitting on the bed having it placed. I was near tears. Once it was in place and medication was given the nurse wanted to cath me. Sure! My lady bit were all hot, numb and heavy feeling. I did not care. It was odd because I could still feel Bree move around, just no pain. Awesome! The catheter gave me a slight burning sensation. Still doing good though. A different nurse came in and asked my nurse if she had checked me since I had gotten my epidural. It had only been 15 minutes tops, so no, she had not gotten around to it yet. The nurse asking decided to check me and I was complete. I told Bryan to come over to my left side to hold my hand and see what was happening. Looking like a deer in headlights he asked about going to smoke or going to the bathroom. I said Nope! Get over here. I started feeling intense pressure almost immediately. About 5 pushes tiny little Bree entered our world. She immediately let out a precious little squeak and I started crying. She had a nuchal cord and her left arm up by her head as she came out. When the nursery nurses announced her weight I had to ask that they repeat it a couple of times. 4 lbs 14 oz, 17 inches long...My tiniest baby yet. I just knew she'd be at least 7 lbs. Her head circumference was 12.5 inches and her chest measured 11.25 inches. She has gorgeous skin coloring and came out with a perfectly round head that is barely covered with dark blond peach fuzz, except for by her neck. She's got longer hair down there. She wasn't in the birth canal long enough to establish the classic cone head. Once she was cleaned up and given to me she nursed for 18 minutes on one side then 15 minutes on the other. I put her on my chest to burp her and after she let out a man belch she nestled up against me. I gave her to Bryan while they removed my epidural. I looked over at him to see my man, who is not at all an affectionate person staring so sweetly at his little girl, rubbing her little head and smiling down at her. I could have smothered him with love at that moment. I am grateful I got to witness it. He has been wonderful. He's so afraid that he is going to hurt her. Mostly he holds her where he can look at her tiny little self.  He seems so proud. She looks exactly like him. She started having trouble feeding. Every time I'd try to get her to latch on she'd either go to sleep or pull away and scream. If she lost her latch she would flip out. Once she gets really mad you can just forget it. The nursery nurse says that she is a pistol. She finally started to nurse decent this evening. After a very long, fussy night and afternoon she's had two excellent 30 minute nursing sessions, big man belches and fallen asleep on my chest. Praise God! I was starting to get afraid to bring her home. Not only because I've already experienced a very high maintenance baby once before and know what fun it can be, but also because I have two other small children the require a lot of me. She still gets quite upset when you check her diaper or change her clothes, but otherwise is a sweet, content little one. She has really taken to her pacifier and thrives on a good swaddle. We are blessed.

Thursday, September 13, 2012

Looking up!

Tuesday Bryan's father called him. They spoke about all that went on while he was in the hospital. Bryan still refused to call or talk to his mother. I was disappointed. She somehow had it in her head that we weren't going to call her when we have Bree. That is completely not the case. At least that was what I had gotten out of Bryan. I called her yesterday after my doctor's appointment. She was so grateful. Turns out, I was right. It was just a huge misunderstanding due to them both being stressed out and a bit hard headed. She was just saying that while his dad was in the hospital we needed back up just in case. I can completely understand that because if she were here with the kids and something bad happened to her husband she'd be stuck. That would be a horrible place to be. Thankfully, she volunteered to come anytime now as long as my father in law is at home. She said he is doing so much better, his skin tone looks better and he has been joking a lot more. I am very grateful to hear that. Even after I spoke to her I still had to put my foot down to get Bryan to talk to her. He kept saying he knows where he stands now and he has nothing to say. Finally, I explained how upset I'd be if I knew I had upset one of my children that badly that they refused to hear an apology, explanation or anything. I adore my kids and that would just break my heart. So last night he finally spoke to her. I am glad. Even though we don't always see eye to eye, I know she loves her kids and is doing the best she can to try to please everyone. Being a parent is difficult. With that being said, I wrote my mother a letter. I will not beg for forgiveness as she hopes for based on what my aunt told me. I explained why I feel the way I do. I also let her know what is going on with my pregnancy and let her know she is welcome to meet her newest grandchild when ever she chooses. I wrote her rather than call because I truly feel that my calling would just instigate more hurt. She tends to be mean and spiteful when she feels upset, where as I tend to shut down to prevent saying something I cannot take back. I still have the horrible texts she sent me and I will not forget or forgive them. I will ignore and move forward for my children. I feel that I have done more than my share now it is up to her whether she chooses to be involved with them. My aunt had called me last week saying that my mother feels that I am keeping my kids away from her. How? She knows where we live and both Bryan and my phone number. She has chosen to not call or visit. She was invited to come see Talise graduate and to Bronson's birthday. She chose not to acknowledge my efforts. That really upset Talise. Thankfully Bronson isn't old enough to really know what is going on. Either that or just not old enough to express that he knows. I really hope she chooses to come meet Bree and see the kids. I have a strong feeling I will be disappointed though.  I now need to call my father and let him know he is off the hook for baby watch! I worry he may be disappointed. I hope not. He was always really passive with me growing up and I know he wouldn't hurt my children in anyway. I still felt nervous about him watching them for me though. They just aren't as close to him or as used to him as they are my mother in law. I would worry about what he fed them and silly everyday things. I was SO relieved when she volunteered to take over labor watch for me. Now if only I could find a way to coax this little girl out! No way will I try Castor Oil or Evening Primrose Oil ~ YUCK! I'm afraid to go for walks without my husband. We've been so busy between running the kids around to their events and doctor's or dentists appointments we have been completely beat by the time dinner rolls around. We've been in bed by 9 every night this week. It's been heaven! I've been so completely worn out. It's just like my first trimester this past week. I am praying that is a labor sign! I'm grasping at straws over  here! It would be ideal for her to come tonight or sometime after next Tuesday. My in laws anniversary is Saturday, my birthday is Sunday, and Talise's birthday is Tuesday. Tonight would be good. After Talise's kick off concert. Ideal. She'll probably hang out until I am overdue! All my others were early. It is starting to aggravate my husband. He complained the other night about when in the heck is she gonna get tired of being in me already? Didn't the others arrive early? He looked so defeated. I think the anticipation is getting to him. Not much longer.

Monday, September 10, 2012


So much has been going on, it is unreal. I cut back my hours at work. I refuse to go out on leave until my newest addition decides to make her appearance as I don't want to waste time off twiddling my thumbs. I'd much rather be loving on a newborn, and helping Bryan get into the swing of things. I'm a bit nervous about leaving him with a newborn, toddler, pre-schooler and pre-teen. I am sure he will do fine. He's done really great with my babies. I was more at ease feeling as though his mom would come help, but now I am not so sure. They had a falling out. I am positive it was just miscommunication due to stress. I have tried to reach out to them both to help mend things, but it has proved quite difficult. He is hurt, feels unloved and betrayed. He refuses to even accept her calls or respond to her texts at this point. My heart aches for him. I've never saw him this upset before. I also feel badly for his mother, because I know she loves him. Her husband is on the mend, but I cannot imagine how horrible her last week has been, not knowing if he would live or die. Bryan has spoken to his father and was quite happy about that. Thankfully, my father volunteered to come watch my children when I go into labor. I am uneasy about it though. They know who he is, but we aren't exactly close. We didn't even speak for years and just this past couple of years have started talking regularly. He's mentioned how much he wants to be an active grand parent. I don't want to take that from him or my kids. He was always really passive and decent to me as a kid. I don't feel like he would hurt my kids or be neglectful. I just worry about simple things, like what will he feed Bronson? Does he remember to chop up food small? Will he be OK changing a stinky diaper? Will Mylie flip out if she wakes up and he is here rather then me? Can he brush her teeth? Get her dressed for school? I think I will assign those chores to Talise. I even offered to keep Talise home fro the day to help him out. He laughed and assured me he would be fine. Bronson likes him. He's always gone straight to him when ever he visits. I think I feel more comfortable with my mother in law because she is a mom. She's not too passive with the kids, but not stern either. I must say, regardless of any differences Bryan or I ever have with her, she's got the grandma thing down. My kids LOVE her. I guess I need to give my father the same chance. My aunt called the other day saying that my mom is pushing her to have me call and apologize. My mother feels that I am keeping the kids, Talise mainly, from her. I feel that she not only knows where I live but has my number and could call anytime. In no way would I interfere with them speaking to her, unless she brought them in the middle of our difficulties. No way will I apologize though. I do not feel wrong. She said some really hurtful, horrible things to me. Not only that, she then bragged about it to my aunt. Like she was proud of herself. She was not a good parent growing up. She was abusive and crossed many boundaries. I tolerated it then because I had no choice. Now I do. I would really like things to be better between us. I hate that she hasn't reached out so that she can meet her newest grand daughter. Maybe she will surprise me, but I doubt it. My kids are doing great. Bronson is now a puppy. He hassles, barks, growls and crawls around. He even licked Bryan right up his lips! Bryan was so disgusted. I found it amusing. He is such a smart and funny little guy. Bryan was changing a stinky diaper, and apparently not fast enough for Bronson's liking. Bronson looked up at him and said "Tick tock....tick tock". I just laughed! Talise is doing excellent in school. Straight A's so far. She is taking the Clarinet. I went to her first concert, which was the song flute. They did rather well. This Thursday they demonstrate their actual instruments. I'm excited for her. I've been encouraging her to make new friends. I really do not like the ones she's chosen thus far as they treat her as if she is disposable. It breaks my heart and honestly pisses me off! She is a great girl. She is smart, funny and has a huge, tender heart. I only had a few friends for the same reason though. Too many girls are just mean. Mylie is loving school. She has done wonderful, except for last Wednesday when she refused to go to gymnastics. I asked her three times before I paid for her to go, so she will be attending regardless of whether she participates or not! Hopefully this week she'll decide to tumble with her friends. She loves her teachers. Every morning she waves to the assistant who works the car line. She is always talking about how nice they are. That warms my heart. I feel as though I worried for nothing. She's already learned to write out her name too! I am so proud of my kids! Oh! She also learned to ride her bike without training wheels! She does a great job. Now if we could get the girls attitudes adjusted they would be perfect little children. I guess perfect would be boring though. I'd say, even though things have been stressful, especially with extended family, overall I am happy and things are good. All relationships with all people we contact can be trying. I am trying to just be as supportive as possible to my husband. I love him much more than I ever thought I could love anyone other than my kids. Life is good.

Thursday, August 30, 2012

9 months in

I have reached that stage in pregnancy where I am just a mess. I am big. Well, my belly is big. Thankfully the rest of me isn't, except for my lower legs and cankles. Yes, I said cankles. Even on my best day my ankles are just gone. They have been replaced by puffy, floppy tissue that is just horrendous to look at and tight feeling.

Excuse the toes, I haven't been able to reach them to polish my nails. After staring at my horrid cankles I have since had them painted. Those bad boys needed help in a big way. My uterus is a practicing fool. It is seriously getting old. I may cry if I go in to the doctor's office today and he doesn't say I've changed some how. I am going to bring up induction. Not too early, the day before I am due. I pray that I go into labor on my own before then, but I really like the idea of a definite end to this.  Bree is running out of space. She is more of a roller than a flipper/kicker now. Although, every night when I settle in for bed she has a little kick routine she does. At least she is consistent.  I've got all her things set up. Her little crib is ready, her mamaroo is together and waiting for her. I've got both her and my bags packed in the back of our van. Her car seat base is installed, but the actual seat is in her crib at the moment. I figure we can grab it on the way out the door when the time arrives.
Bronson has been extra attentive and cuddly. It makes me wonder if he knows something is going on. He literally laid on me for 2 hours yesterday evening.  It could have something to do with both of his sister's being in school during the day too. Either way, I'll take it. I love when he is cuddly and sweet. He's gotten to be so busy playing and getting into things that he rarely wants anything to do with me. He also points out babies on t.v. and the Internet. I really hope he does well with Bree's arrival. I love that little guy more than I could ever express. I know Mylie had a difficult time adjusting to Bronson's arrival, now they are so close. I am hoping for the same.
Mylie is very excited to meet her sister. She hugs and kisses my belly every night to say goodnight to Bree. She loves to feel her move around. She seems to be the only one! Seeing/feeling Bree wiggle freaks Bryan out. My only worry with Mylie is that she talks a lot about bathing Bree. That will not happen in the tub. I don't mind her helping me give her sponge baths, but that is it. I worry that she will take it upon herself to wash her sister. I also worry that she will try to pick her up out of her crib. She will be forewarned. I've enrolled Mylie in gymnastics at her school and cheer leading for the fall to help keep her busy. Hopefully that will help.
Talise is mostly anxious to see what Bree looks like. I don't blame her, I am too. Talise is busy with school and band. I am so happy that she decided to join the school band. I hope she keeps up with it. I wish they had an art club. She is extremely gifted in the arts. She learned to read music quickly and has done well so far. She just has to decide what instrument she wants to play.  I keep encouraging her to participate in a sport of some kind as well. She doesn't like the idea of people watching her, so it has been difficult to convince her.
Bryan seems to be getting excited about his first child's arrival. I worry about how he is going to do with her waking at night. As of now he has a mini tantrum any time one of the kids wakes him up in the middle of the night. I am really trying to be patient with him because he has only been dealing with this for a short period of time. He is most understanding with Bronson, which is a good sign to me as Bronson is still a baby in my eyes. Bryan clearly adores my little fella. It is apparent that Bronson feels the same. Bryan has done exceptionally well helping me out this last week. He is really good about finishing dinner, doing chores or just keeping the kids out of the bathroom so I can handle my business by myself! He seemed to pay attention when he heard the nurse say for me to take warm baths when I am too uncomfortable because he has offered to watch the kids multiple times for me to do just that. I didn't even have to bring it up. I feel bad for him because I am at the point where I am just a miserable beast most of the time. He does far more right than wrong, but just one misstep and I am in tears.
I am conflicted. Like I just mentioned, my hormones have me an emotional wreck. That has been pretty consistent through out this pregnancy. My co-worker innocently mentioned that my nose was red and wider.  I had to fight tears. I have since been obsessed with my nose. I think it looks the same. I stare at it a lot. I am ready to be done with this pregnancy. It should be my last. At the same time, I am nervous to have another newborn. Not so much having her, but having her along with a 2 year old, 4  year old and 12 year old.  That is a lot. The idea of ever being pregnant again scares the hell out of me. So does the idea of never being pregnant again! Just taking away the opportunity is a very difficult decision to make. I really feel that I am beyond being pregnant. I have been raising children since I was 23. I am ready for a break. Yet, the idea of all the squishy goodness of a new life in your arms is simply amazing. Maybe once she is here I'll feel more at ease. I have cut back my hours at work now. 16 hours on these trunks is just too much. When I get home my legs from the knees down are so tight they feel like they could pop right open. Pushing people around the hospital all day takes the Braxton Hicks up a notch. I feel like I am not pulling my share by the time second shift comes in and that is not at all fair to them. No one has said anything to me about it. Everyone seems understanding and supportive. I could not have better co-workers. I am blessed in that department. I must go get ready for my exam. Wish me luck!

Thursday, August 23, 2012

SNAPPED...err, almost

Today I had a doctor's appointment. I had two options when scheduling. Option one was to bring all three kids at the end of the day, having to check two out of school early. Option two was going first thing in the morning with Bronson only. I foolishly chose option two. My reasoning was that he's my sweet boy, and surely one toddler is better than two toddlers and a pre-teen.  I was so very wrong. He woke up screaming like a nut because he had a poopy diaper. We got him changed, yet he continued on his screaming rampage. He went non-stop for about an hour. Both my girls were offering up toys, food, chocolate milk, blankets, anything they could think of to quiet him down. I nearly lost it! All I could think about was being trapped in a tiny exam room with him behaving like this. Finally, Mylie gave him a pop tart and he smiled and got quiet. Peace! He happily ate a blueberry pop tart while we got ready to take Mylie to school. He was quiet in the car, only speaking when I went through a drive thru for a drink and french toast sticks and milk for him. I gave him his food, he ate it and fell asleep. I felt a glimmer of hope. He usually sleeps well in his stroller. When we arrived at my appointment I carefully, and quietly placed him in his stroller, being sure to bring his milk cup and blanket. He slept. While checking in the receptionist spoke. Bronson glanced up looking extremely ornery. She smiled and said good morning to him. That was all it took. He took terrible two's to a whole new level. Screaming, growling, thrashing around. Thankfully they took me back rather quickly and I was the only one in the waiting room. The nurse brought him a sticker and a Lolly pop to try to help me out with him. He took it, yet continued on with his fit from hell. Finally he threw the Lolly on the floor. When I retrieved it and tossed it in the trash he took his game up a notch. Banging his head back onto the chair, screaming like I was beating him, arching his back and bouncing the stroller. I just sat there, staring at him in horror. I was on the verge of tears when one of the nurses asked if she could let him go walk around the office with her. That is not at all something I would normally do, but as I sat there, fighting tears, envisioning smacking the tar outta his bottom, I agreed. All I could think was, thank God for this nurse! I can totally see how some people snap. He is my sweet boy. He is the one that I USED to be able to take anywhere. We'd go out to eat and he'd happily sit and wait on his food, gibbering baby talk. He has recently lost his darn mind! He was quiet with the nurses and I was ever so grateful. Once my exam was complete, I opened the door to see him laying on his tummy on the floor (cringe) happily coloring, holding two lolly pops and two stickers. They gave him the crayons and coloring book to take home with him, as I still had to go to the lab when I left. I cannot tell you how much that meant to me. No way will I be bringing him back. From here on out either Bryan will have to take off of work, or I'll have to re-schedule. I am mentally exhausted and extremely embarrassed. I will be rewarding those nurses with replacement crayons and coloring books and some sort of treat for them for helping me.  As I type this I have my sweet son back. He is smiling with his handsome face and adorable dimples. One would never know the hell he just put me through!

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

School and such

My first baby, Talise, started middle school last Monday. So far, she loves it. I am happy! I was so very worried for her. I really hope she makes more friends. Maybe I should say I hope she makes friends that I like more. She is doing well so far. She joined band. She has been practicing a lot and is rapidly improving. Listening to the practicing isn't always pleasurable, but I am excited that she has taken such an interest in music. She really wants to be in art club, but so far I have not seen one listed in her school. She has a locker now. I bought her tons of accessories for it. She was really happy about that. She even has a working chandelier hanging in it! I really hope she stays this excited about school this year. I also went to the parent orientation for Mylie's Pre-K. The school she will be attending is nice. We go in tomorrow to meet her teachers. She will be in a classroom of 22 children, a teacher and a teacher's aide. She is really looking forward to going to school. I am looking forward to having quality one on one time with Bronson, but nervous about not having my Myliebel with me all day. After how well she did at cheer camp I am sure she will do great. Not so sure I will though. I had fun taking them both school shopping, buying back packs (Mylie's favorite part), getting them hair cuts and hearing about what they expect from the school year. As I sat and listened to the director talk about school policies I thought about how blessed I am that my babies have been able to stay home with me. Talise is my only child so far that has attended day care. Not that day care is bad or anything. She did great when she went. She made friends and was really social at a young age. It wasn't easy for me though. I didn't always see eye to eye with her teacher. Worrying about how she was all day while I was in school made my day much harder. I am sure I will worry just as much when Mylie starts school later this week. Bryan suggested us sending Bronson to daycare for a week or two after I have Bree. I just don't think I can. I think it would be far too difficult for me. As of now I feel like I will be alright with the two of them home with me alone all day. I did it when I had Mylie. I did it when I had Bronson. I feel I will have better, saner days knowing for sure my sweet boy is happy with me at home. It a very sweet, considerate thought though. If I am wrong, and it is too difficult or stressing on me once my newest princess arrives I will reconsider his offer.

Thursday, July 26, 2012

My mother, or lack thereof

My mother and I have always had a strained relationship. She's not exactly an easy person to deal with. Plus she is bi-polar. She is in counseling and being medicated but still swings with her moods bad. Their is a lot in our past that really shouldn't have happened, but I have accepted and forgiven her for. I have not forgotten though, never will. We did not speak much at all for a long time. When I had my oldest child I reached out to her and have tried to maintain a relationship with her so my kids would have a grandparent. It has not been easy. We had a major falling out the day before Mother's Day.  My husband popped my oldest child's leg with his hand. My child called her grandmother. My mother then proceeds to call my husband and threatens him. Threatens to come to our house and having to be taken away by police. She then calls me at work, screaming at me. She said I was an unfit mother and threatened to report me to DFACS for allowing some man to hit my child. Now, if she were just a concerned grandma I could have reasoned with her. When she watched my kids I had to leave work because she hit my oldest with a switch on the arm that not only broke the skin, but left a scar. The school did send out a counselor to investigate and it was a big deal. I was physically abused as was my brother. I really thought she was a different person now. I was mistaken. When she threatened to report me, as I was hanging up the phone, I said f-you. I shouldn't have said it but I was really upset and had no idea she heard me say it. About a week after our argument I called her to talk things out. It did not help. She informed me that she heard what I had said, which I told her wasn't meant for her to hear. She then said how she'd like to hit me in the face because of it. She ranted for a good twenty minutes then refused to come to my oldest child's graduation. During the next week she would not answer my daughter's calls. Sometime in the middle of June she started texting my daughter, blaming me for them not seeing each other. It didn't matter what my child said to her she had a way it was my fault. This got my girl really upset and she came and showed me her phone. I then texted my mother and asked her to please stop texting my child as she was getting really upset. Her response was "don't worry you'll never hear from me again, you bitch. U r screwed in the head, KMA (kiss my ass) u bitch, u will answer, pat urself on the back bitch, pay back is hell bitch u will answer. I didn't raise u to be a self centered bitch, bitch, I don't know u. I wasn't the whore and dope head u were bitch" I quite responding to her. Did I mention that not only was she a pot head while I was growing up, but I walked in on her having sex with my 16 yr. old boyfriend? She also slept with a couple of my class mates and two of my best friends boy friends. I've tried not to think about it. My husband was really hoping she'd come around to see Bree be born. I doubted it. Now I know she won't. My aunt called me a couple of days ago. She said she tried talking to my mother. She said that my mother bragged about "going off" on me and then said that I will have to call her and beg her for forgiveness. Me. Even after I have already called and tried to talk things out. When my aunt brought up her not seeing or speaking to her grand kids my moms response was "well when Talise turns 16 she'll come see me." That's five years away. This shouldn't bother me. I moved out at 16 because of her. She did not attend my high school graduation. She did not attend my first wedding. She was not there when I had my first child. She did not attend my college graduation. I had to give her gas money when ever she did come down to see the kids.  I should be numb to all this now. I'm not. It sucks. When I started having contractions and was being monitored I wanted to call her. When the doctor told me he was concerned about my baby's heart beat, I wanted to call her (Bree is fine thank God!). I call my mother in law, she is wonderful. I call my father, he listens and tries to give advice. I call my aunt. It's just not the same.  I will be fine, I know. It is her loss. She is missing so much. I just hurt for my kids because they deserve better. You know what though, even Mylie said that Nanny Pam ( my mother in law) is much nicer than granny. At least they have that. I'm just sad, emotional.

Friday, July 20, 2012

Bronson likes dolls

There. I said it. He loves them. He hugs them and kisses them and brings them to me to dole out love to. Lalaloopsy seems to be his favorite. That was, until Mylie got a Cinderella Barbie doll as a gift from a friend. The poor girl hasn't got to play with it if he is awake. Today he screamed for 15 minutes straight because I wouldn't let him bring the doll into WalMart with us. I ended up breaking down and buying Mylie another Barbie. Bronson wanted five more. He picked them all out and was quite content until I told him he had to pick one. That's it. He lost it. Again. Over a Barbie. Tonight he took his new doll and Cinderella to bed with him for safe keeping. I am completely OK with his love of dolls. He also loves cars, trucks, and balls of all sizes. He probably has at least twenty balls in his room. I feel that he is still a baby. My husband feels a bit differently. He does not make a big deal about it, but isn't thrilled about seeing his son toting around his favorite blanket (mostly blue with pink plaid) and now three Barbies. Yes, as soon as Mylie put her new doll down Bronson took it over. My husband's parents have both made comments about him carrying around a doll. I'm not sure if they know about the Barbie's yet or not. When something has been said I've responded that I feel that learning to be gentle and loving to babies will teach him to be a nurturing father. I know what people are getting at. So many are so quick to judge and think I am "making" my son gay by allowing him to play with what ever he chooses. I think it is their own insecurity. I don't feel any one would choose to be prejudiced against, so if he is gay, he is. I don't care. I love my sweet, handsome boy. I will love him no matter what. I will not tell him that while his soon to be three sister's play with dolls, he can't. It's no fair. Especially since no one minds if girls play with cars, GI Joe, or anything else considered masculine.

Thursday, July 5, 2012

Independence Day!

On our way home from vacation we stopped and bought fireworks. Growing up we had large family get togethers, cooked out, swam and watched fireworks on the fourth. I really want that for my kids too, so Bryan bought two bags of fireworks. We all went over to his granny's house. The men sat around the grill. The dogs ran and played. The ladies talked and looked after the little ones, who were busy running and squealing in the yard. They children played with sparklers and snappers while my oldest child launched fire crackers and Roman Candles. After we all ate a delicious meal and the kids had several trips to the desert table it was finally dark enough to launch the good stuff. We were clueless when we were buying them. We got some that were beautiful. Some that were just loud. Some that were duds. Mylie was scared of the fire and noise. They all smelled like sulfur, but the kids seemed to really have fun. I enjoyed hanging out and watching them play. Bronson played himself silly, chasing after his older cousins, trying to be big like them. Mylie LOVES playing with her cousin and he behaved like a little gentleman. Bryan's aunt has a large dog. Mylie is frightened of dogs and her cousin kept shooing the dog away from her. It was sweet. Their were a few small blips in the day, but overall I think their were many fond memories made. That alone pleases me so! Having my kids have lots of traditions, a good sense of family importance, loads of positive memories and tons of love is my goal as a parent. Days like yesterday make me feel successful as a mom. It was a wonderful day!

Monday, July 2, 2012

Hell I tell ya

At this moment my stomach is hard as a rock. I keep having contractions. I'm starting to think they are stress related. Bryan and I tried to put a ceiling fan up in the girls room. We decided to just have his friend do it. It just did not work out. The mounting bracket wouldn't support the fan. So we hooked the light back up. The girls room is enough to make a preacher cuss. We started picking it up, vacuuming, Bryan moved the girls furniture. It was beyond disgusting. I am not a dirty person. I have NO idea why or how my girls ended up so filthy. There was garbage everywhere. Well, not anymore. Although I think we are both pretty upset by it.  I find it unsettling that I work hard to give my children what ever they want. I do my best to be sure they are not with out and it is obviously not appreciated.  I will now work hard at not buying them things through out the year, besides school supplies, clothes and such. On top of the disaster room, Mylie keeps holding in her stool until she starts seeping poo. She has shat herself several times today and has a wicked rash because of it. The rash only exacerbates the problem. So as we are trying to clean, Mylie is crying because she has to clean herself up for upteenth time and Bronson keeps coming in the room climbing on things. It was tons of fun. I know, really these things are just annoyances, not problems really. When you are seven months pregnant, hot and having nearly constant Braxton Hicks contractions they can make you come unglued. I've had to fight back tears and deep breathe several times. Bryan and I have both been quite snippy with each other. We've got it all done, come up with some new rules and are happy that it is bed time! The babies are quite now, and thankfully we don't stay upset about these things for long. We are both pretty understanding during crazy times, at least with each other. It was hellish for a minute though.

Thursday, June 28, 2012

So much

Life has been so  busy. About a week after Bronson's birthday we drove down to Florida to visit the beach. It was my first time staying on the beach. It was really nice. I loved waking p to the sounds of waves crashing and going out on the balcony to watch the men fish in the early morning. The kids woke early and stayed up late. Bronson hated the beach. He didn't like the sand and was scared of the ocean. He mostly sat in my lap or right in front of me. He asked often to have sand wiped off of him. Mylie was frightened at first. She never really enjoyed getting into the ocean. By day two she would play where the waves wash in though. She loved digging in the sand and crab hunting. Talise is still a fish. She swam and pretty much stayed in the ocean the entire time. Her and Bryan bonded a little because of that. He liked to stay in the ocean a lot too. All the kids loved the pool, both the big and kiddie. The girls liked the hot tub but again, Bronson flipped out. We tried to walk the beach every night, except the one time Bronson couldn't hang. He kept laying his little head on the table at dinner then zonked out in the car. We spent the hottest part of the day either having lunch out or going places. It was so nice.
I had my 27 week baby appt. this week. I'm measuring two weeks ahead, her head is down and I am already on every two weeks visits. I was told to go to the E.R. if I have 6 or more  Braxton Hicks in an hour. He's a bit concerned that I'm still having them so often since Bronson tried to come early.  Other than that all is well in that aspect of my life.
Bryan is working hard and trying to get in as much over time as possible to prepare for my maternity leave. Having a pregnant wife and three children proves that difficult though. Just this week Talise has had an orthodontist appt., I had a ob/gyn appt. then Mylie had to get shots for Pre-K. So three days he had to be home a.s.a.p. so I could go or take which ever child alone. It is SUCH a blessing to be able to go to appointments either by myself or with only one child. I had no idea what I was missing out on until he offered to watch my little ones for me to go alone. All this time I ALWAYS had all three with me all the time. It was so very stressful. Now that I have him, I sometimes wait to even go shopping until he gets home from work. I am so blessed to have found him. My ex expected me to bring the kids all the time.
Speaking of the ex, apparently he has lost yet another job because I haven't received any child support in a month and when I looked into it I was told his lisence is due to be suspended at the end of this month. I really hope he gets his act together. I really don't want him to end up in jail. I would much rather he contribute to his kids. He hasn't seen them since October and didn't even acknowledge Bronson's birthday. I hate it that he doesn't seem to care, especially for my girls. Bronson's daddy is Bryan. They love each other, Bronson gives him kisses and calls him daddy. I am grateful that my son will have a responsible, respectable man as a role model.
Things aren't well at all between my mother and I. She is mentally unwell and needs prayer. I am at a loss.

Monday, June 11, 2012

Two Amazing Years

My wonderful, sweet son turned two years old on Sunday.  We celebrated his milestone the Friday before. Just a small gathering of close family. With my first I had large parties and overspent. In the end I'd be broke, tired and worried about bills. What's worse, she doesn't remember any of her parties before she turned 5! She only remembers bits about that one. I have learned my lesson. I now have small a get together, after nap time, with people that will understand if there any meltdowns! My father came. It was nice. It's the first party of my children's that he has been to. Unfortunately, I haven't heard from my mother so she wasn't there. Bryan's sister came with her two boys. It was their first time visiting since my family moved in with Bryan. I was quite nervous about how things would pan out. I really debated inviting them because I didn't want it to be uncomfortable between us. I am so glad I did. The little boys played well together. Mylie and Tristan had fun playing together, but they always do. My mother-in-law came. The kids adore her so they all were excited to see her. Bryan's granny was even able to attend. We all had pleasant conversation and really enjoyed watching the kids play and swim.  It was a great day. Bronson got neat toys that he seemed to be really pleased about. He hasn't gotten possessive about his things yet so his cousins were able to enjoy his new stuff too. Well, except for his new Mickey. He may have had a fit over that one. He never put it down willingly. I had no idea he even liked Mickey Mouse! I am so glad things turned out the way they did! I'd say he had a great birthday. I believe we all had fun.

Wednesday, June 6, 2012


The further along I get the more I am freaking out. I am 24 weeks 4 days pregnant. I feel Bree move, kick and squirm all the time. I don't really feel attached yet and that scares me. The fact that I am 34 years old and will be 35 when I have her if she makes it to her due date, scares me. Thinking about her starting pre-k and my oldest being 17 really freaks me out. The idea of her not resembling my other three children plagues me. That one is the most troublesome because not only does it worry me but also causes me guilt. I feel that rationally, I should just be thrilled that so far everything has checked out healthy rather than worry about her beauty.  I don't want her to be the odd girl out. I worry about Bryan favoring her over my other three babies.  I worry about feeling resentment towards her if he does.  I worry about him helping me with her. I worry that he won't because he STILL keeps saying that she could be a he. I think all this worry is keeping me disconnected from her. I worry that she can feel it too. When I get really upset about this stuff I start with the Braxton Hicks and my abdomen gets hard.  I feel SO much stress about all this and not having a pay check while on maternity leave, finding a bigger home we can agree on and getting a bigger car. I actually have night mares about it. I wake with a headache nearly every day. What makes it worse is when I finally broke down and spoke to Bryan about he got all defensive. That just compounded my guilt. I really wanted to be relaxed and happy this pregnancy. It will be my last. That is yet another issue that consumes my thoughts. I am SO done with all of this. I felt complete with my three gorgeous children, but Bryan doesn't have any. Although I know he loves mine I know how much he wanted one of his own. He did not pressure me to get pregnant. Bree was a surprise. My first ever which made me feel like she is completely meant to be. I know I do not want to do this again though. This has been SO hard on me. I work 16 hour shifts having to push and pull patients, most of which are either unable to move themselves or overweight and just difficult to push. By mid-shift my back and legs are aching and by the end of my shift my legs are swollen from the knee down. I am so very tired all the time. I am a hormonal wreck. I swear I cry non-stop over the silliest things which drives me mad. I really want Bryan to have a vasectomy. He wants me to have my tubes tied. He fails to realize I have NO ONE to help me with them children while I heal from that. Plus every one I know that has done that has had horrible cycles afterwards. He's already giving me a hard time about the recovery time after giving birth, yet he wants to do nothing to prevent a future pregnancy. I really hope all this is just my hormones giving me fits. When I voiced all my concerns he took offense. I love him and did not at all intend for that to happen. The only reason I said anything at all was because he was saying he felt shut out. Ugh!

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Children are such blessings

I keep telling myself this. Especially in times like now. My middle child, Mylie, knocked over my oldest child's, Talise,  fish bowl. That not only hurt my oldest Talise's feelings terribly but also left her a huge stinky mess to clean. Mylie wants to help clean but is really more in the way than anything. So Talise is crying, yelling, and is extremely grumpy. Mylie is upset because she upset her sister so. Bronson is clueless and cannot understand what all the fuss is about. The fussing woke him up from his nap, which is never a good thing. He is my sleeper. He thrives after a good nap. Disturbances in his sleep patterns aren't fun for anyone involved. So in between the "she's stupid!" and "Leesy is mean to me!" and Bronson crying from being shuffled from room to room between the arguing girls and I try to hold it together and remind myself how blessed I am to have this problem.  It helps when my little fella comes and lays his head against me, even if for just a minute. When Mylie tells me I am pretty I smile. When Talise says, you are not fat, you are pregnant! All those things keep me grounded. Some days it surely is tough being a mom. Some days I cry right along with them. I hate that they don't always get along or appreciate each other. I pray that once they are grown they will. I do love that even though they may fight and aggravate each other if anyone else thinks they are going to pick on one of them the others step in with a vengeance. They can embarrass me, torment me, anger me but they also fill me with so much love. Its overwhelming at times. When I am at my worst, they lift me up. I am so incredibly blessed!

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Wedded Bliss

Our day turned out so nice. We had intended on just going to the courthouse and being married there, just us two.  Well, where we live that is no longer done. We were given a list of names that would perform the ceremony. When we called the lady we got said she could come to our house to do it. What a neat idea! That way our family could witness and we could have a small get together. His parents were happy as was my mother. We were really casual, although not as casual as Bryan would have liked. He wanted people all in jeans and t-shirts and an ice cream cake! Seriously! Total man. We did not go that route. I got a small cake and bought matching dresses for the girls and a top for Bronson that coordinated. We both wore white tops and denim because given that I am pregnant I didn't have many options! His mother bought me a bouquet and a boutonniere for Bryan and some small decorations. We had such a nice time. I actually teared up a couple of times.  I am grateful for the memories. I feel even more connected and in love than before.

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Stationery card
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After a lot of talking, both together and with friends and family we have decided to continue on with our journey. We are still going to pursue couples counseling as I am very protective and defensive given my previous relationship and this is his first time at all of this. He's stepped into not just a woman with baggage, but two girls with a lot of baggage also. Thankfully, Bronson was so small all he knows is Bryan as his daddy. Given that we have been together for a year and this is the first time he's ever even raised his voice to me says a lot. My first instinct is to run because of my past. We still have growing to do as a couple but we are both happy and love each other very much. A friend pointed out just how much has happened this year for us. We met, moved in together, got engaged and got pregnant all before our one year mark! We have been super busy! All of this is so fast that it causes stress even if we are happy with each other. We still have to house hunt and buy a bigger vehicle! It is all overwhelming. We are not having a big ceremony or anything. We hope to get away together for a couple of days before the baby is born and have a belated honeymoon once she has arrived. The lady that is going to marry us is actually coming to our house! How convenient is that? We will have close family over and that is it. So onward we go!

Saturday, April 21, 2012


I am postponing the marriage. I say marriage because we aren't having a real ceremony, well weren't is more appropriate. After getting our marriage license and buying my wedding band yesterday I got a peek of Bryan's true colors and it scared me. He lost his temper and was extremely disrespectful and hurtful not only to me, but in front of my kids and in public. I've already gone down that road and will not do it again. Since we have a child on the way and my two youngest love him I am willing to try pre-marital counseling first. If things don't improve then I'll deal with that when it happens. Right now the only reason I see to go through with it is to prevent having to explain to his family, and that is no reason to marry someone. I guess his best friend was right when he said that Bryan would run me off. If this offends, I hate it. My blog, my life, my opinions.

Monday, April 9, 2012


Bronson was the first one to wake, after me that is. I was laying in bed eagerly anticipating the kids waking up. He was happy about his basket and while he checked it out I went outside and hid eggs. I ended up waking the girls. I don't know how they were sleeping in. As a child I could barely ever sleep the night before a holiday. I love Easter, always have. I love spending time with my family, Easter dinner, talking about the true meaning of our celebration and finding my basket! I no longer receive baskets but I sure enjoy making them for my little ones. After everyone went through their baskets Mylie and Bronson got to hunt eggs. Bronson stood in awe of all the sparkly colored "balls" in the yard. With a little help from Bryan he started picking them up and putting them in his basket. Once he realised their was candy in them he was stoked! We celebrated with Bryan's family or Easter for the first time yesterday.  We stopped and bought an Easter lily for his Granny on the way there. He had never done that! That blew my mind. It was tradition when my Nanny was alive. Someone always brought her either an Easter lily or a Calla lily. She was thankful when I gave it to her. She is such a sweet lady. She cooked a delicious spread of food. We ate lunch and dinner there! The kids played while we all sat outside talking and laughing. I didn't even care to look at a clock.  It was an amazing day.  So relaxing and fun. It made my heart full. It also made me miss my childhood. We had large get togethers for the holidays. I really miss that. I also miss my own Nanny terribly. I am so thankful to have been a part of their gathering.

Friday, March 23, 2012

All in all

I vent on here. This is my open book. My outlet. Sometimes my posts are happy because I am. Sometimes they are a bitch fest because that is how I am feeling.  I yap about everything and anything. My life is often hectic. I am pregnant and have three children, two toddlers and a pre-teen. That alone makes my eye twitch! I work. I try to be a decent mom and fiance. Really, I try to behave as a wife. Life just isn't always pretty. It's often a horrid mess. I get by just fine though. I adore my children, even at their worst. Even when I am on the verge of tears. I love my fiance. I'm excited about having another newborn. I just love all the squirmy, squishy goodness of a new baby. I was thinking today how nice it is to be with someone that contributes. I can call Bryan and ask him to pay half or just buy something and so far the answer is OK. I can ask him to stop by the store after work to pick something up and it is always OK. That may seem like no big deal. It is a huge deal to me. I've been the only provider for so long. Just that little bit takes so much stress off of me. I know he will do whatever it takes to provide the best he can. He doesn't have an I am better than that type of attitude. I love him for that. I know that I would shovel poo to feed my kids if I had to. I also know that he'd be shoveling right beside me. That brings me so much security and sense of love and appreciation for him. I've complained about little things he does that gripes me. They still do. Yet, I am amazed that a single man without children would sign up for us. Not that we aren't absolutely fabulous, but that is a lot to take on. Even my father asked him about it. It is a big adjustment and a learning experience for all involved. All in all, he is a good man and I feel blessed to have him. He loves me so very much. I am happy God brought us together.

Sunday, March 18, 2012

Such a warm welcome!

I keep my children on a schedule when they are small. I learned that the hard way. With my oldest I was determined to just add her to my life. I did. We'd go shopping and spend hours at the mall. I'd drag her all over the place, figuring she'd sleep in her stroller or car seat whenever she needed to. That idea did not make for very many enjoyable experiences out and about. I thought I was cursed with a "bad" baby. Little did I know that same baby was actually cursed with a mommy that didn't know better. My next child I was much better about keeping her home for her naps and eating at certain times. Bronson only had me. He has been on the strictest schedule of all due to lack of help mostly. His having a routing kept me sane and gave me time to myself. He has been the best/happiest baby ever. I just cannot brag enough about that sweet boy. He got the best of me because I had experience from my girls and needed time for me. So, whenever I here about his routine being thrown off at all me eye twitches a bit. Lately, my amazing little sleeper fella has been fighting naps like a pro. He has gone two gull days without one. Yesterday I get a call at work that Bronson didn't nap and fell asleep on the love seat while daddy was cooking dinner for him. It was after 6 p.m. I felt instant panic. My first thoughts were if he sleeps now his whole day tomorrow is gonna be out of whack which is just going to trickle into next week. Well Bryan decided to let him rest because every time he tried to wake the little guy he'd sit up, then pass right back out. When I got home from work last night it was almost midnight. I rounded the corner into our living room and there is Bronson, playing on the floor. When he sees me he comes running with his arms open and a huge beautiful smile on his face. I squatted down, scooped him up and soaked in every last bit of baby loving I could get out of him. It was a wonderful feeling. I am so glad I got to experience it. So maybe it's not all bad to have an off day every now and then!

Wednesday, March 14, 2012


Lately my relationship hasn't been fun. I don't know if it's hormones, if I'm over reacting or what but I am at a loss of what to do to fix it. Bryan wakes up every morning and gripes. He wakes me up to fuss about one thing or another. I do not like it. I refuse to argue over silly things. He gets upset about how I choose to raise/discipline my kids. He thinks I am too passive. He has some points, but they are my babies. I want them to have a happy childhood. I do correct them. I just don't spank often, or for the things he deems worthy. Such things are eating in their rooms, snacks only, we are talking dry Cheerios or a granola bar. Also, drawing on their walls. I do not enjoy them drawing on their walls, and I make them help me clean it and take away whatever they found to draw with. I will not spank them for it. That is too easy of a fix to deem a spank able offense. I vacuum their carpets and steam cleaned the girls room to shut his trap about it. Did it help, nope! He still woke up and starting fussing again this morning. I am not giving in. I've given in to so many silly demands in regards to my kids that I have had enough. I am just so tired of hearing him flip out. He reminds me of a child having a tantrum. Our other issue is sleep. He gets upset at me for wanting to sleep in on Monday mornings. Now I still wake up at 6:20 a.m. to get Talise up and on the bus. I just go lay back down. I usually have to say something to him in order for him to get out of bed when Bronson wakes then he'll come wake me up if he feels I've slept too long so he can take a nap before he goes to work. I am pregnant. I'm 34 years old and work 32 hours over the weekends, I also have three other children. News flash: I AR TIRED! I could understand if I wanted to sleep in everyday, or if I was always a lazy hag but I was not tired before he knocked me up. It hurts my feelings that he doesn't care. I told him that his constant fussing is stressing me out and that isn't good for the baby. His response was well how do you think I feel? I'm getting just beyond myself with the selfishness. I know he's stressed because he's been working as much overtime as he can and just spent a lot of money repairing his car, plus he's worried about supporting us through my maternity leave and such. My first thought with his recent behavior is to run. I lived in a bad environment for 14 years, I do not want that again. I do not want to move my children again as they are happy here. It's the worst with Mylie. That poor girl cannot get a break. She is at a difficult age. She is a strong willed girl. She stands up for herself. I am glad and proud of her. She can push me to my wits end and he seems to always find something wrong with her. She is the main one to get into things and break rules, but HELLO! She is 3! Kinda comes with the territory. It's not just me that feels this way. My mother and HIS mother have both spoken to me about it. His mom is supposed to get his father to talk to him about it. He has a lot of respect for his dad.  I really hope things get better soon because his behavior is really making me want to say mean things to him. I know that will not help the situation at all. I just want the man back that I fell in love with. This overgrown spoiled brat can go back where it came from.