Friday, July 11, 2014

Can't win for losing

That's how I've been feeling lately. I guess stress has gotten the best of me because I have been feeling super grumpy. I hate it. This week and last I've worked an extra day during the week which has messed up our whole routine. My kids get really upset when that happens. We've been getting prepared for vacation, which in a family of six is a big ordeal. My older girls have been such troopers helping me out. I haven't been the easiest person to be around. When I feel myself teetering crazy I tell them I need quiet time. Most of the time it works, other times not so much. Yesterday as a reward for helping me deep clean the house we went to get pedicures. Just me and my two oldest girls. We had really gotten busy tidying up the house and were tired. We deserved it. It was a first for me and Mylie. I had a great time. We relaxed and laughed, just enjoyed being together. It was great. As soon as we got home my mood shifted. Bree was following me around crying non stop. She was hungry and sweaty from being outside with Bryan. Bryan was finishing up waxing my car, which I am so grateful for. I had to figure out dinner, bathe the kids and start another load of laundry. Normally that is no big deal. For some reason I could feel my shoulders tighten and start to ache. Then anger just sort of washed over me. I really had to focus on my temperament to keep from being completely hateful. Every little thing bothered me. Emma came up and rubbed my neck and shoulders for me, without my asking. That little gesture meant so much. I stayed on edged until I had a big ugly cry after the kids went to bed. Bryan said he's noticed that I've been edgy for the last couple of weeks. Ever since the incident I previously wrote about. Today has been much of the same. The kids wanted to go to the pool. Mylie tried to help by getting Bronson in his swim trunks and swim diaper. Why that annoyed me, I do not know. It did though. Then when I came downstairs there was food on the floor which I don't like on my best day. I started barking orders while we cleaned up the down stairs. I checked Bronson's swim diaper, it was too small. I get him changed and start putting Bree in her suit and it starts raining. The kids start melting down and so do I. Emma asks me what is wrong with me lately. I don't know. I truly don't. I don't like it. So, I take some deep breaths and try to calm down. After I feel a bit more relaxed I get on the floor and play with the kids. They eat it up. All three little ones are all over me. I'm tickling and kissing and it's so much fun. We do this until we are all winded. I go to Emma's room to play with her. I know she's a teen but she still needs attention and affection. I try to tickle her and hug her. I have to wrestle her to do it. She says to me, one minute you're all mad the next you're trying to play with me. It's true. The thing is, I'm doing my best. I am human. I don't like when I get angry or sad. I don't like them seeing me as mean towards them or anybody else for that matter. It happens though. It sucks when it does. Her saying that makes me feel like I can't win. I try to calm myself and still the negative wins. I am a firm believer in we choose our behavior. So why is it so easy to choose to show ugliness to the ones that are so important to me? I don't like it. I will try to do better. Stay calmer. It can be quite difficult.

Wednesday, July 2, 2014

Omg! My kid is trying to give me a stroke.

Disclaimer: I am not going into specifics to protect the stupidity privacy of my children.

Well the contentment didn't last long. Things have definitely been spinning out of my control. I feel like I'm circling the drain, holding on with whatever I've got. I'm questioning every choice I've ever made the entire time I've been a parent. To be quite honest, it sucks. That's the nicest way I can think to put it. I cannot wrap my mind around the situation I'm having to deal with. I am completely blown away by the amount of deception and manipulation that has been used against me. Although I do not feel the intention was to cause hurt or mistrust, it did a lot. When I had my first child an overwhelming sense to protect took hold of me. As soon as I saw a positive test I did everything I could think of to be a good mother. Maybe I was misguided or maybe it just wasn't enough. I tried though. Anyone that knows me knows I'm very protective. I'm involved. I have rules. I don't let my children just go out with their friends, I have to meet the parents. I have to know what they are planning to let them do. I have to know that parents are going to be supervising them, that they won't be dropped off somewhere. I get a lot of grief because of that. I honestly don't care though. I'm the parent, not a friend. I don't have to allow things just because another parent does. Still, it wasn't enough. No one warns you before you have children how difficult it is when they become independent. Not just from the pain in the ass stuff like getting into things. When they can make their own mistakes, important ones, and you can't do squat about it. That instinct to protect doesn't lesson as they grow. For me it has intensified. Knowing I only can do so much to keep my babies out of harms way brings me extreme anxiety. That anxiety often provokes me to snoop. My kids know I do it. I do it in front of them. I buy all their things so I feel I have every right to go through them when ever I feel the need to. I do my best to be calm about anything I find that upsets me. I talk to my children about our family values and respecting themselves. I praise them at every opportunity to help build a positive self worth. I am one of those look for the good parents. I try to guide them on their accomplishments rather than just correct negative behaviors. Even with all that, the only thing that matters is what they choose to do with what I teach them. They are human. They tend to prefer to learn the hard way as most of us do. It seems that regardless of all that I do to protect them, it's just not enough. Trouble has a way of finding us. I don't know what else to do. I am conflicted. I try to maintain a balance and give a sense of privacy. With all the lies and manipulation I find that hard to do.I don't want to be so over the top protective that as soon as they get out of the house they run wild. Yet, I refuse to allow certain behaviors while I have a say. It's quite difficult to manage. A very thin line to walk.  I will continue on and do whatever I need to in order to guide them correctly. But like I said before, this sucks.

Friday, June 6, 2014

Summer is here and brought with it contentment

Things have been really peaceful lately. The kids finished up their school year. Mylie got several awards, including all A honor roll all year. We are proud. The pool is open and the weather is nice. We've been spending most afternoons there. Emma's had company come stay with us. It's been fun. Bree has really adapted to the water. Her bravery can be uncomfortable for me. Either me or Bryan try to stay close to her at all times. Mylie is part fish apparently. She doesn't even use her floats. Bronson does his own thing mostly. Every now and then he'll ask me to take him out where his feet can't touch. It's nice cause the pool is made like the beach in the sense that as you walk it gradually gets deeper until you step down from 2 feet to 3 feet.  So far all our neighbors we've met at the pool have been quite nice. We had new neighbor's move in next door as well. The guy is friendly and seems to have a bubbly personality. I haven't met his wife yet.They don't have children which is kind of a bummer. The ladies in the sales office say that the people moving in behind us have kids. I hope so. We've spent a lot of time outside. Grilling most of our food, letting the kids run through the sprinkler and eat their weight in ice pops. As I was speaking to my husband the other night I realized, since I've pulled away from anyone that has proven toxic to my mental health I have been at peace.  Bryan and I have had much fewer disagreements. He hasn't felt pulled between our family and his. It's been nice. It's unfortunate that this is my reality. I think too much was shared. I am a good listener. People often open up to me. I am also loyal, so what is said is kept to myself. I listened whenever a vent was needed. I heard so many hurtful things that were said about me and I was asked to keep them inside. I truly don't think it was to upset me. I believe in my heart it was just nice to get it all out. Everyone needs someone to talk to. It just got to be too much. I didn't want to betray the trust of someone dear to me. It was just overwhelming trying to hold it in. Realizing that I am the odd man out, and will most often be viewed as in the wrong has taught me to invest less emotion into these people. I still haven't spilled the beans. I don't want to cause any heartache. Just not hearing anymore negativity has improved my disposition tremendously. I will hang onto hope for change in the future.Until then, I will keep my focus on those that I love and that love me in return. It seems that is my therapy. My babies bring me unconditional love and pure joy. My husband and the life we've made together is fantastic. We are immensely blessed.

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

True Colors

People can't hide their true identity forever. You know, we all do it. Put our best foot forward when we first meet people. Presenting our best selves.  As relationships develop tidbits of our true feelings peek out. Often when we see sides of the people we care about that we don't like we just over look it. Rather than trust our intuition, we continue on as if nothing was given. All is sunshine and happiness. I do it more often than I'd like to admit. I wish I would just follow my gut. I feel guilty when I think badly of someone. When I get that uneasy vibe I just brush it off. Doing that has burned me so many times. I've had a lot on my plate emotionally lately. My family has been going through some difficult horrible things. Dealing with the aftermath of it all has some of us in counseling. I am one of those seeing a therapist. So when someone that has betrayed my trust and invited drama into my life needed help I was hesitant and spoke to my dear therapist about it. She strongly advised against it. I care about the person in need a great deal even though I feel like I cannot trust them. I did not want them to feel unimportant, or be hurt by my not helping. So, in spite of my doctors orders I said OK. I will admit, I had to take a Xanax to be there for the person without breaking down myself. Well that was about a month ago and things have been alright until Sunday. The main story is second hand as I was working at the time, but this is what I was told. My sweet baby thinks she is too big for her high chair. She wanted a snack. She saw Emma eating some chips and salsa so she pulled her tiny self into one of our breakfast chairs and stood at the table. We've told her several times not to stand in the chair. She's 18 months old though. She's either too determined to be big like the others or doesn't have the impulse control to not do it. Probably a bit of both. Mylie decided she wanted some grapes and asked Emma to get some for her. As Emma was getting the grapes, Bree turned in her chair and reached for the door. When she did the chair tipped and Bree's precious little face slammed into our freezer. Like I said,I was at work. I was just starting to eat lunch when Bryan calls. I hear Bree screaming in the background. He asks me if you treat a nosebleed in a child like you would an adult. When I asked him why he said Bree's nose was bleeding from both nostrils and blood was pooling in her mouth. I immediately panicked and called one of our Dr.'s at work and told him what happened. He felt like Bree needed to be seen. I told Bryan to call his mom to watch the kids and get Bree down here. He said OK and we hung up. For some reason I felt compelled  to call his mom myself. When she answered she said she just got off the phone with Bryan. She had just finished loading her car to take Bryan's dad the last of his things to his rehabilitation center. She said Bryan should be calling me then. He was, so I hung up with her thinking he reached her in the nick of time. He proceeds to tell me that she said NO! His dad had been at rehab for 3 days at that point and wasn't going anywhere. Bree is her grand baby. She could have a broken nose or worse and she said no. I've heard her talk of meeting Bryan's sister at the hospital because one of her kids had a fever. Hell, she's talked about staying up all night and checking on Bryan's sister every 30 minutes because she didn't feel well. She stayed at her house and took care of her baby so his sister could rest. To me her actions, or lack there of is a huge red flag. Her lack of response or concern for her grand child is unforgivable. I am utterly, hopelessly disappointed. The only other person in his family I felt close to has let my baby down. That straight pisses me off. What's worse is all of my family is out of state and my friends are either out of state or live far from me. Thank goodness for my co-workers and therapist. They all let me vent and help me see the other side of a situation. I am pulling away from all of his family for a while.

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Six Fabulous Years

My sweet doodlebug is turning six this month. She's such an outstanding girl. She is so smart, artistic, funny and warm. She is such a loving big sister, especially to Bree. They seem to have a special bond. She is a typical little sister, aggravating Emma to no end. She wants to be like her older sister and it drives Emma insane. She is a great helper. She is a honor roll student. She is full of energy and very strong willed. She is looking forward to her birthday party. Planning has been fun. She picked out the invitations and helped me put them together. She is having an art party this year. They will be painting and we went last week to pick out the picture the kids will be taught to paint. She is really excited about that. Mylie asks to draw every single day. She is a creative girl and enjoys showing off her work. We went on pinterest to look at custom cakes for her to choose from. She is stoked about that. She chose a castle cake. I hope it turns out like the picture. I am so blessed to have this little girl in my life. I tried for 6.5 years to get pregnant with her. I prayed, begged God for another child. I had an easy pregnancy, fast and smooth labor, and laughed as she was born. It was such a happy event. She was calm and beautiful. Mylie was an easy going baby. Very cautious and playful. She's always loved to cuddle.I sing to her every night before, even though I can't carry a tune in a bucket. She snuggles up to smiling and always tells me how beautiful I sound. She has such a sweet spirit. She can find a reason to  compliment every person she encounters. I hope she stays that way, finding the good in others. She is forgiving and quick to apologize when she thinks she has hurt someone. She can hear a song on the radio one time and be able to sing it afterwards. She loves to swim and going to the beach. Mylie loves when Emma dresses her up, putting makeup on her and styling her hair. She likes to go outside with Bronson and play with the side walk chalk. She encourages him and tells him how good his drawing is. She always says, you did your best. She likes tickling Bree and making her giggle. Bree sounds so cute when she laughs and Mylie is just the goofiest girl ever. Mylie loves me. I can tell without her saying it. That's my favorite part. I know I'm her mom so it may sound crazy. Every loves their mom. Its different though. Maybe it's because of the like I feel from her as well. We have fun together. Every time I leave the house she has to hug and kiss me. She's so genuine when she does. The past six years have been fabulous. I thank God for them. I look forward to at least 50 more!

Monday, March 17, 2014

How do you know?

I've been dealing with a lot lately.  Big stuff. Mind numbing, I NEVER wanted to experience stuff. Things that will not leave my mind no matter how hard I try. I cry often. Any time alone immediately brings thoughts that I don't want in my head. Taking a shower and here they come. Invading my peace, bringing forth so much despair, anger, resentment. Driving to work I have gotten so consumed with them that I've missed my exit and ended up late from having to back track once I realised my error. Laying in bed, I cannot sleep. I think and rethink every possible thing I should have seen, or known but didn't. W. aves of guilt, rage, betrayal get my adrenaline pumping. My days are spent in exhaustion but I can stay busy. I clean, a lot. Someone hurt my child and I wasn't there to stop it. I couldn't protect them. I can't find the proper words to describe how that makes me feel. Failure. Sorry. Confused. Anger isn't a strong enough word. As soon as I knew I started doing everything I can to help them heal. It's a traumatizing process. DFCS, police detectives, forensics..the more I know the worse it is. I have a constant headache. I have stomach upset. When I try to talk about it with the investigators I start shaking badly which embarrasses me tons. I hurt SO much for my child. My baby that I begged for. How could I not know? My child is safe now. We have a long road ahead of us but progress is being made. I'd really like justice as well. I'm not sure that will happen though. I am pursuing it.  So I've had all this weight on me from this and the psychotic mess from my sister in law creating that profile from a previous post and nearly constant disapproval from other in laws. I broke down. I've had my fill. I believe in letting yourself feel what you need to feel. Experience it and move forward but I feel trapped in chaos. Belittling, hurtful, damaging chaos. I reached out. The physical symptoms of my anxiety and constant upset were getting the better of me. I found a wonderful counselor to speak with. What a blessing. She strongly recommended me see my primary physician for something to take the edge off. I was a blubbering, trembling mess. I'm lucky she didn't ship me right off to the loony bin. She didn't though. She made me feel a lot better and made a lot of since. I'm building up to something, promise. After my mother in law got a copy of the police report I had to file against my sister in law she came over with it. She was going on and on about how it proved nothing. She ended up getting me really upset. It seems no matter what my sister in law does the family somehow either justifies it, doesn't believe it or makes it my fault. I told my husband it would happen before she ever got a copy. I have been trying to pull away from everyone for my own emotional safety. I love my mother in law, but I may have to pull away from her as well. I changed my phone number and didn't give it to any of my in laws. I just can't take anymore nonsense. I am too emotionally fragile right now. I need to focus on healing my child and myself. Well, my husband calls me Sunday at work. Apparently his parents are splitting up and his mom wants to stay a week with his sister and a week with us. I love his mom, but she enabled his sister to have access to me a lot. She may not now, but after everything that has gone on I just don't know if it's a good idea. Plus, I'm kind of her sounding board. I know everyone needs one, and normally I don't mind. It's just that I usually end up getting angry about something that was said about me to her by someone else that she lets slip.  I am so torn. I don't want to turn her down when she needs us, but I really need to heal and I think it would be detrimental to that. Plus, she's made us aware that she needed to focus on other things in the past when we needed her. I just don't know. I wish their were a definite right answer. i don't want to hurt anyone, myself included.

Friday, March 14, 2014

People pleasing

It may seem contrary to the truth, but I am a people pleaser. I  often put up a front  to seem tougher than I truly am. The last three years have been trying at best. I've had so many blessings. I've grown closer to my father, as have my husband and children. I moved, married, had a baby and moved again. My children are doing well and are healthy. I no longer have the financial stresses I had previously. I pack lunches for my kids, drive them back and forth to school and attend as many functions as possible. When they mention something they want or need I make sure they have it one way or another. I cook dinner more nights than not and we sit as a family to eat it. I clean the house everyday, change out their sheets and pick up their rooms. I stop at two different places in the mornings to make sure everyone has what they want for breakfast on the way to school, which is a 20 minute drive as they both attend out of district. I make sure my husband comes home to a clean house and a hot meal. I cook to his preferences as he is a picky eater. I make sure to buy snacks that he likes so he will eat while he is at work. I call and schedule his Dr's appointments and usually pick up his prescriptions. I consult him on just about everything out of respect. If he mentions something he wants or needs I make sure he gets it. I say all this because I love them all. This is one of the ways I show it. I kiss and dote on as well. When I am out and see something that makes me think of someone I buy it. I like to send random cards or texts to let people know how much they mean to me. I'm not bragging or showing off my greatness. I do all this because quite the opposite is true. I am far from great or perfect. All I want is the same out of others. Acceptance. Love even though I'm not perfect.  Proof of it. I've reached out to those that condemn me. I've done everything I know to do to make it right. I've apologized even when I didn't feel wrong. I've sat through talk after talk even though I didn't feel heard. I quit blogging for a while because it upset others. After speaking with a professional I've come to realize that I need to do what is best for me. I cannot control the actions of others I can talk until I am blue in the face and I cannot make them see my point of view or accept me. I cannot make people like me.  At this point all I can do is protect myself. So I am setting more boundaries. I am speaking to a professional. I am pulling back from all things that have caused me upset.  I cannot be a good wife when I am upset at things my husband cannot control but are related to him. He feels trapped in the middle and it causes turmoil between us.  I cannot be a good mom when I am stressed to the max about things I have no control over. As my therapist said, as much a you want a dumpster to be a corvette its a dumpster. It cannot be a corvette so why try to change it. I am only making myself nuts. I will do my best to stop trying to please everyone else and work on pleasing myself. If I am happy with myself then I am a better, more loving wife and mother. So that's what I shall focus on. I want to be the best me I can be. My goal is not to upset other people, but I will start either removing myself from the situation or  stopping the conversation. I will defend myself. I will do my best to stay respectful as I feel shameful when I am not. No more people pleasing.

Thursday, March 13, 2014

Remember coming undone?

Well I can now talk about some of it. A little back story. I met my husband through an online dating website that his sister put him on. Oh the irony. Well, when we met his sister, her husband and their two kids lived with him. From what he told me, rent free. They say otherwise. I don't know truly, but I choose to believe my husband because I heard him ask for 1/2 of the electric bill money  at least three times before he told me he got it and he often complained that she said they'd provide groceries but his fridge was usually bare. His sister and I got along fine. I used to hang out with her while waiting for him to come home from work. Then all of a sudden he says that she is telling him that I am being rude to her when I come over. I just go straight to my then boyfriends room until he gets home. Turns out, he had asked her to move out within a few months. He said her first question was is he going to move me in. At that time he had not asked me too, but shortly after he did. After that she would go out of her way to ignore me when I came over. Make comments so I could hear her, but not to me, things like that. It eventually came to a head on his moms birthday because she told Bryan that he had another psychotic bitch on his hands all because I slammed the bedroom door to my boyfriends bedroom in HIS house. He tried talking to her but she got mouthy, telling him to grow a pair. So he told her she had a week to get out. She woke her sleeping kids all while ranting and raving at Bryan and arguing with me. She tried to physically attack me multiple times, Bryan stepped between us. She left in the middle of the night. It has been nothing but crazy, harassing hell, family attack meetings and people turning against me since. She started stalking my facebook page through her mothers account. She'd get nuts over any compliment I paid my mother in law. She started reading this blog, passing it along to my father in law (equally crazy) and someone was showing it to my husband granny. My mother in law say her sister in law did it, her sister in law says my father in law did it. I don't care. I tried to make amends. Then his sister starts intercepting emails I send my mother in law, reads them and forwards them to herself. She gets all bent out of shape over my saying that it hurt my feelings that I didn't get a baby shower but she does. I didn't say for her not to. Hell, I bought her personalized gifts from me and both my older girls. I planned to attend. But me and my kids were excluded. I invited her over for Memorial Day to a BBQ, got no answer. I invited her to go see the last Twilight movie with me and Emma, no response. I invited her boys to my sons birthday, no response. At this point I am sick of it. So emailed her and told her I was accepting her lack of response as a regret and would order food accordingly. She tried to pawn her kids off on my in laws for them to still come. I wouldn't allow it. I am tried of her being a shitty person to me and everybody expecting me to accept it. Not anymore! I sent out a mass text wishing people a Happy New Year and she flipped out! "Really? I've told you NOT to text  me! I don't want nothing to do with the drama" As badly as I wanted to correct her grammar I just ignored it and put a block on her so it doesn't happen again. Then one evening I'm sitting here with my husband watching t.v. and I get a text of a half naked man asking for me. He tells me that he got my number through an online adult dating website. He gives me the screen name and this is what I find:

I am instantly appalled, angry, just blown away. My gut told me exactly who it was. I started contacting the website to have it taken down. The next morning, after several more texts, I contacted my local police.  My mother in law calls right after I see this. She of course starts in the Bryan's sister doesn't know my phone number, yes she does. She's texted me before. Oh well, she doesn't know your email. Well she doesn't need to, but she does because she emailed me a copy of my child breaking a board at karate class. She tries to tell me that an IP address means nothing. That's not proof. Well guess what, that's not what the detective I dealt with had to say. He said I should've been contacting him every time she pulled any crap. From here on out I will.  A report has been filed. If it continues I can have her arrested for harassment. I hope it doesn't come to that because I know it will somehow all be my fault. It always is. After all, I am tearing the family apart. If Bryan and his sister were as close as everyone tries to say no one could get in between them. I couldn't stand my ex sister in law. She never knew it, because I love my brother. I love him so much his happiness is worth me biting my tongue.

Friday, March 7, 2014


I was minding my business. Walking the cereal isle at my local grocery store. I use coupons. I'm not an extreme couponer, but having a family of six, every penny saved makes an impact. A lady coming up the same isle stops me and asks if  plan to buy any paper goods. Thanks goodness, not this time. Between tissue, diapers, pull ups, toilet paper and paper towels...good grief. It adds up. She asks me if I ever buy paper goods. Of course I do. She proceeds to hand me high value coupons good for ANY paper towels, ANY laundry detergent, ANY tissue! I was shocked. I had to find out how she got them. She told me she was a bzzagent. So when I got home I had to look this bzzagent stuff up. Well, let me tell ya, I like it. You fill out simple, short surveys and they start matching you up with products to test. Not only do they send full size products to you, but they send samples for your friends and family to try. Right now I am trying out <img src="" alt=""/>
I've only used it a couple of times, but I really like that it doesn't leave my skin feeling tight or dry. I'm really excited to see the results from it. I used to have blackheads badly when I was a teen and couldn't resist the urge to pop them. As a result some of my pores are larger than I'd like them to be. My fingers are crossed that this stuff will shrink them right up. I'll keep my blog updated to the results when I've used it for 30 days.

Thursday, February 13, 2014

A day of love

With Valentines Day approaching I thought I'd blog about something a bit more positive, love. I love my husband. He's quiet and keeps to himself more than I'd like. He's often difficult to interpret. I am very affectionate. I like to hold hands, cuddle and kiss. I love flowers, poems and love notes. I voice theses desires to him. They usually seem to go unheard. That is frustrating. I've said to him more than once I need more. I try to cuddle up to him at night and get pushed away because my feet are so cold. In fact, I stay cold most of the time. I wear socks, especially in the winter. Once my feet get cold forget it. My entire body is cold. I complain at night about having a difficult time falling asleep because my muscles get stiff from trying to knot up as tight as I can for warmth. Well, yesterday my husband told me that he was going to have to order my Valentines Day gift. He couldn't find it in the stores. He asked me if he could tell me what it is. I thought about it and decided sure, why not. The man that rarely shows affection, said he is getting me an electric blanket. That made me feel overwhelmed with love. He actually has been paying attention to me. He does care. He may not be as physically affectionate as I'd like but he loves me. That proves it. I am happy about that. I guess I'll keep him.

Coming undone

I am drowning. I cannot even describe the emotions I have going through me. It's like being caught up in a tornado. Spinning out of control. Their are so many things going on in my life right now. In my family.  So much deceit. I'm unsure of who can be trusted. So much intentional hurt for personal satisfaction directed at my inner circle. I am both appalled and amazed at just how horrible someone can be to their own family.  What's worse is that it is coming from multiple directions.  I wish I could be less vague. I'd love nothing more than to call the scumbags out and tell the world who they really are. Now is not the time though. I will wait. I hope justice prevails. It's proving quite difficult to be so quiet. I've got this though. Time will tell.

Friday, February 7, 2014

Back in the Grind

My leave is over. I went back to work last weekend. Thankfully my coworkers rock and helped me move patients. It was a really long weekend. I missed my babies terribly. The night before I went back Mylie came up to me for a second goodnight kiss and to tell me that her tummy hurt because I wasn't going to be home the next day. That both warmed and broke my heart. She has such a loving spirit. I truly enjoyed having those weekends off with my family. The evenings are so rushed during the week. Getting lunches made, homework done, baths, dinner made, everyone fed and the kitchen cleaned all between the hours of four and seven doesn't leave a whole lot of time. We sit together to eat dinner. It's nice to discuss what's new with the girls at school and family business. I always go sing to Mylie before bed too. She loves it and honestly, I do too. That's the only downfall of having four children. Trying to give them each all of you everyday. Bronson and I play while Bree naps, I sing to Mylie before bed, Emma hangs out and talks to me while I get the next day's lunches made and I play with Bree once the others are in bed. It just seems like their just isn't enough time each day to give. I do my best to engage with them all during that time. It's really busy though. Everyone has so much to say and yet both adults want to wind down a bit too. Bryan and I have time together once everyone is settled in bed though. It's really important to me that they all know how much they matter to me. I try to make sure our home is filled with love. It's filled with chaos too, but mostly love.