Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Mylie is acting out. I knew it would happen. She's the baby, well, was the baby. She is starting to understand that if she leaves him alone and lets him sleep she gets more attention. However, she can be mean to him. She is doing something when she kisses him that I have yet to figure out, all I know is he sometimes cries when she kisses him. I don't want to tell her she can't kiss him. I am always, or so it seems, saying she can't do something in relation to him. I have to watch her very closely. She sneaks in little scratches or pops here and there. Just this morning she managed to pop him in the face while I was changing him. She started out as gently patting his belly while I changed him then BAM! He was scared and crying, she was quick stepping it out the door. I don't know how to handle it. She really dislikes time out, and has been spending a lot of time there lately. My mother says I need to pop her hand. Which I do occasionally. I just don't feel like that is a must though. Mylie is still a baby her self. She does know when she does something wrong though, because she will either leave the area or immediately start apologizing. I try to lay him in his bassinet when he sleeps or put him in his bouncy seat or swing as often as I can so that I can hold her and give her attention. Talise tries to help by distracting her during feeds or diaper changes. Any ideas of what else I can do to ease this transition for her? I don't want her to feel replaced or unloved/unwanted. She's my girl.
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Talise came in the living room at 6 a.m. I shooed her away. Then Mylie woke up at 7:30 a.m. so I sent Talise to go ask her daddy if Bronson and I could go in the bedroom to get some rest and he get up with the girls. After about ten minutes or so I notice the girls in the kitchen so I gathered up Bronson's things and went to the bedroom to find my husband snoozing. I asked him to please get up so we could rest. He just looked at me. I was fighting tears as I explained that we barely slept and the girls are awake could we please sleep and he get up. He gets angry with me which leads to me crying. Then he tells me to just lay down. Almost simultaneously I hear the back door open as the girls are headed outside, WITHOUT any supervision. I start to head outside and he jumps up complaining and leaves the room. Well now Bronson is up and needs a new diaper and I am upset so I once he's cleaned up I can't sleep! Later on that afternoon Fernando and I are laying in the bed while I feed the baby and I start talking about going back to work. He looks at me and says he's not going to be Mr. Mom anymore, he's not watching the kids on the weekends. I immediately get upset and he just looks at me and tells me to get over it. When my eyes start to well up he says oh gosh, not that again. Well that does it, I started to cry. I asked him what he was talking about, what's wrong with watching our children on the weekends so I can work. I was so confused and hurt by his statement. He acted like a total jerk. He was so callous about the whole thing. He simply refused. We went back and forth about it all afternoon. I tried to explain that I need to get out of the house. I need to be around other adults. I don't have any girlfriends that I can just call or go out with. It's ALWAYS just me and the girls. I cannot deal with it. It's just too much. Not the kids, they aren't the problem. It's the lack of friendship, the lack of support and just conversation. Feeling included. Wanted. Liked. I know my kids need me, and believe me they talk, but it's not the same. He listened, but then dropped a huge bomb on me. I got even more upset. There was no talking to him. He had made up his mind and didn't consider me at all. Later on, after not speaking for a while I started asking questions and he started making a little sense. He was being his old self this time though. Not the insensitive jerk he was earlier in the day. Turns out his approach was just off ~ WAY OFF! As was mine this morning when I wanted to rest. Ugh! An entire day ruined due to a bad approach. Choose your words wisely! It makes such a difference in how you are perceived.
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Mylie! She's just baby herself. I don't feel like a good mom at all. I've tried to just blow it off as my hormones just trying to re-adjust. You know, just getting back to normal. I feel far from normal though. Poor TALISE IS GETTING THE BRUNT OF IT. sHE'S GOING THROUGH HER OWN HORMONAL STUFF. sHE GIVES ME A LOT OF BACK TALK WHICH ENRAGES ME. i YELL A LOT. tHEN i CRY A LOT. i LOVE MY KIDS. tHEY DESERVE TO HAVE THEIR SWEET, HAPPY MOM BACK. fORGET IT WHEN Fernando IS HERE. He TOTALLY DOESN'T GET IT, AND HONESTLY, RIGHT NOW I'd RATHER HIM NOT EVEN COME HOME. i CRY ALMOST THE ENTIRE TIME HE'S HERE. He MAKES ME FEEL UNFIT, ANGRY, AND HE TELLS ME HOW CRAZY i AM ACTING. i KNOW IT! i DON'T NEED REMINDING. iT'S LIKE IT'S OUT OF MY CONTROL. i KNOW THAT SOUNDS BIZARRE BECAUSE WE ALL CHOOSE OUR ACTIONS, BUT i PROMISE, i DON'T ENJOY MY BEHAVIOR. i DISLIKE IT VERY MUCH. Monday MORNING i WILL BE CALLING MY DOCTOR AND ASKING FOR HELP. i AM NOT HOPING FOR MIRACLES, JUST AN EASE TO THIS. i LOVE MY FAMILY, I'd LIKE TO DEMONSTRATE THAT WAY MORE OFTEN THEN i HAVE BEEN.
Monday, June 21, 2010
Mylie does, and he wouldn't be able to do that. Fernando just wants to be able to enjoy his time at home and provide for his family. I think he wants to feel like a man again. I think being at home almost two years affected his self esteem. The thing is, I like my job. Of course it has it's down sides, but what job doesn't? I like getting out of the house and around other adults. I like having extra money. My job has decent insurance and I like the people I work with. My husband's job offers insurance, but it's only for Alabama doctor's. My doctor's are in Georgia. Honestly, I am afraid of having just one income. It is SO difficult to get a job lately that I don't want to just cast mine aside. My husband does alright, but what if? You know? There are so many things to worry about. I also worry about my husband being at home with the kids all that time too. Bronson is an easy baby, but Mylie is not being an easy 2 year old. She is a daddy's girl and does not like for my husband to hold Bronson. I think he will end up losing his patience with her. He tends to let things build until he can't take it anymore. Both he and Talise forget that Mylie is still a baby too. Even though she can talk, talk back, pick fights, and throw tantrums, she is STILL a baby! I am torn. I don't want to leave my job. I like my job. I don't want to leave my children. I love them. I don't want to give up my insurance and doctors. I don't want to worry all day long about my kids. I don't want an overly tired person left to care for them for such long hours. My mother lives too far away to just drop by and help. I like contributing. I just don't know. UGH! The pressure!
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Talise is pushing to go to the lake or go to Pets Mart to buy another fish. I really dislike the fish idea. Our tank is over crowded as it is. She just doesn't understand it isn't nice to the fish to have so many. Mylie just wants to be with her daddy. She doesn't care as long as she is included. Talise wants daddy time alone. Fernando wants to please everyone. I suggested staying home, renting movies, buying popcorn, and since he is craving crab legs, get some of those too! He liked the idea, so that seems to be the plan. I am happy I get to spend the day with him too. He told me yesterday that when he looks at Bronson he doesn't feel anything. He left when Bronson was just 4 days old and he didn't get to hold him much at all. Mylie was very jealous. She wasn't having her daddy hold another baby. She's always been daddy's baby. It saddened me greatly to hear him say that. I appreciate his honesty though. He's held him much more today and I printed off pictures of Bronson and the girls to put in his wallet. I hope that helps. He isn't very close to his dad and I really want them to be close. I know I can't make it happen, but I am going to do my best. I told him in order to bond with your baby you have to love on them and talk to them and hold them often. He does well with that. I hope things change in that department. It's harder for men, especially when they are gone a lot. Bronson's so quiet and sweet. I adore him, I want his daddy to too.
Saturday, June 19, 2010
watch everything we do. They study us, even when it appears otherwise. It is a bit frightening. I easily recognise the bad habits, but there are good ones too. My oldest daughter is very giving of herself. I like to believe that's from me. I try to reach out to people, let them know they aren't alone. Acknowledge their pain or hardship. Help if I can. They are both silly, so are my husband and I. We are also all reserved at first. I look at my son and wonder what behaviors he'll pick up from us. Right now he's perfect.
Friday, June 18, 2010
Talise is my oldest child. We tried for two years to get her. It was a difficult pregnancy and a long, hard labor. When she was born she was scrawny, red faced, huge eyes and hair 2 inches long all over her head. I did not think she was cute, at all. She looked a lot like my mother and she screamed constantly. I tried sending her to the nursery to rest at night, they kept sending her back to me. They couldn't calm her. As soon as I held her and she snuggled up to me she would fall out. I held her the entire time she slept. I was worried. When Fernando brought me home from the hospital he had to go straight to work. She was laying in her bassinet and looked up at me and something just clicked. I started crying so hard. A big, ugly, embarrassing cry. I was completely overwhelmed with such love and devotion for her I couldn't contain it. I was refreshing because I didn't think I was going to like her. She was so demanding. Sometimes I don't like her, she is JUST LIKE ME! We butt heads constantly. But, /i adore her. Fernando and I tried for 4 years on our own for another child and were very discouraged. We thought Talise was it. We spoiled her rotten. We gave her our all and she got away with way more than she should have. We cleaned up after her and made special meals for her and she slept with us until I had Mylie. She has come around full circle now. I am so blessed to have her, She proved her skills when Mylie was born. She did a wonderful job helping and doted on her sister like crazy. She still does. They bicker and fight like all siblings do, but they will team up and take you down if they feel you are being ugly to one or the other. She has stepped up so much with Bronson you'd think she has a child of her own. She holds him like a pro, she can bathe him and get him dressed. She makes him grin and loves to hold him. She's go the booty tap while you bounce thing down when he cries. Yesterday we had to take Mylie in to the after hours clinic. I was driving while Talise sat next to Bronson in the middle seat and Mylie was in the center of the back seat. I notice Mylie's head bounce forward a couple of times so I asked Talise to move her head over so I could see better. Mylie was throwing up. Talise sprung into action. She grabbed Bronson's receiving blanket to put over her sister and got the baby wipes. She spoke kindly to her sister, reminding her to lean her head forward, telling her it was OK, she'd clean her up. Talise cleaned as much of the vomit off of her sister as she could while Mylie was in her seat. She then cleaned herself off and went about her business like it was nothing. On the way home from the doctor Mylie threw up some more. Again, Talise handled it for me so I could continue to get us home. We live an hour away from the pediatrician so we all were anxious to get home. Once we got home Mylie refused to take her medicine. I don't blame her, I'm sure her little belly ached. Talise did everything but stand on her head to try to convince her sister. She was worried about her. She gave her a sparkly lip gloss that Mylie had coveted earlier and been refused. She pretended to take it herself. She begged. I finally told her to just give up. Mylie had a rough night. She was up until after 2 a.m. I don't know if she was hallucinating or having a really bad dream, but she kept calling out for me even though I was holding her. She refused to put her feet on the bed claiming something bad was on it. She kept looking around looking scared. Finally, she agreed to take her medicine. After I got that in her and drifted off to sleep I feel something tapping my shoulder. It was Talise. She told me that she threw up, but not to worry she cleaned up her mess. She just needed something for her throat, it was burning. I gave her some Maalox and she took a sip and went back to bed. That was it. I could not believe it. Amazing! Not only did she take care of her sister, but was caring and responsible enough to clean up the splatter of her own sickness. We did something right with that one. I am so proud.
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Talise. Mylie and Bronson took a nap while the house was quiet. Once Mylie woke up I decided we'd walk down to the mailbox to get the mail. My mom and Talise met us at the door. I stopped to look at her hair, which looked a lot better, and told her we were going to get the mail. On the way back up the drive way here she comes in her van, she's headed home. I knew she was leaving today, but I thought she'd give us a minute to get goodbye kisses for MYlie and Bronson. I was mistaken. I am a little panic stricken. She wasn't gone a full 10 minutes before the girls started fighting. Of course it was while I was in the rest room and Talise was holding Bronson for me. That freaked me out a bit. Talise is trying to be helpful. She is doing well. She has let Mylie sleep with her at night and go in her room to watch movies. That is a big deal for Mylie, Talise usually doesn't allow Mylie in her room. I am actually going to miss my mother though. She was sympathetic when I hurt or was emotional. The kids aren't, they are kids. Fernando doesn't get it, he's not at all sympathetic. It really improved my mood having her here. I knew I'd be left to do it alone eventually, here it is. I hope I do well. They are counting on me and are way too important to let down.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Since coming home things have been...interesting? Really, I think strained may be a better word. Mylie has been testing me a lot.At least it seems that way. I am trying to not be hard on her and am letting a lot of things slide. I don't want her to feel replaced. Talise has been helpful, but not without something to say about it. I try to let that slide also, but it is much harder because I really don't like a smart mouth. It's been quite difficult to get Mylie down for a nap which hasn't done any good for her mood. My mom is here to help, which is so nice. I get upset when she gets on to my girls though. Well, to a certain degree. Today Mylie threw a ceramic cross in her room which of course busted it. My mother was abusive to me and my brother growing up , so when she raised her voice to Mylie in that same tone and gave her that same look that used to give me chills I got angry. I ended up not even really getting on to Mylie because of being upset. I didn't fuss or anything to my mom. I just corrected the situation. I have to remind the girls seemingly non stop to be careful around Bronson, don't jump on the bed while I am changing him on it, don't shove his paci in his mouth or hold it in there if he isn't sucking on it. My crazy hormones and just that - CRAZY! Bronson is wonderful. He is soft, sweet and snugly. I could stare at him all day. I am still healing. I thought I'd feel much better by now, but not so much. It's very difficult to pick Mylie up and just riding in the car is misery. The doctor said I did have many stitches, but ouch! Today I am pretty sure I broke two toes to boot! I rammed them into the corner woodwork. It hurt, they are swollen, hot, and stiff. Oh well, just something else for me to whine about. Even when I feel like screaming all I have to do is look at my sweet son and all is well.
Friday, June 11, 2010
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Pitocin. My contractions picked up immediately. They started coming at a decent intensity about a minute and a half apart. Within 30 minutes I had dilated to 4 centimeters and was 75% effaced. My doctor came in and broke my waters. I tried to sit upright as much as possible because I wanted gravity to help things along. Bronson kept wiggling around which made my plans impossible, I was rolling all over that bed so they could keep the monitor on him. When I got to 6 centimeters the contractions were pretty bad so I asked for an epidural. When the anesthesiologist placed the epidural I felt a zinging feeling in my left hip, he adjusted it and the feeling went away. However, when the next few contractions came I was completely numb on my left side but felt everything on the right side. We tried different positions to see if that helped, it didn't. I had a button to push for more meds, I pushed it. The only thing that accomplished was my left leg feeling like dead weight, I couldn't even lift it. The anesthesiologist came back in and gave me more meds and finally I was pain free. I sat up and the next thing I knew another nurse was rushing in the room. They couldn't find Bronson's heartbeat. All this time Fernando was asleep on the couch in the delivery room. The nurse laid me back and rolled me to my left side, still nothing. They checked my pulse against the monitors to see if they were picking it up, no Bronson, just me. I overheard prolapsed cord and started crying. I was scared, petrified. I woke Fernando up and the poor guy looked like a deer in the head lights. I was surrounded by nurses and a med student, he couldn't get to me. They put me on oxygen, stopped the Pitocin and put an internal monitor on Bronson. The laid me back with me feet higher than my head and finally they got a heart beat. Then it was variable. They called they doctor and he came in within minutes to check me and Bronson. Now my blood pressure was dropping. I had to get epinephrine to raise it and my doctor stayed and monitored me for a while and things finally calmed down. I haven't felt that scared in a very long time. They started the meds back up and within an hour it was go time. I pushed a total of five times. They stopped me from pushing, Bronson was crowning and had his cord wrapped all around him. The doctor couldn't even lift him up for me to see. I leaned forward and saw the doctor unwrapping the cord and my sweet boy wiggling around. His hands and feet were purple, his face was dark. Fernando cut the cord. They cleaned him up and he started to cry. It was the sweetest little cry ever. I was crying, the take charge nurse hugged me. I looked over at my husband who had tears in his eyes but was trying to hide it. We both felt such relief. He told me what a good job I did and how proud he was of me. He told me he had been so scared because there wasn't anything he could do to fix it. He had no control. It was sweet. When I saw him trying not to cry while holding Bronson's little hand my heart filled with love for that man. It was over. No more worries, he is out and safe and perfect. He is nursing well, sleeping well, and the girls adore him already. Talise was holding him and told him that even though she's only known him a couple of hours she is in love with him already. Mylie said he was her baby, he's so cute, and she loves him so much. She's been kissing him like crazy. I am trying to let him sleep in him bassinet so he will sleep in it at home, but it is so hard to do. He's just so darn cute to me. He looks a lot like Talise did when she was born. I cannot believe I have a son. My sweet little fella.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Pitocin scares me. I really want my labor to be as good as it was with Mylie. Hers was so smooth and peaceful. Even when the contractions got bad I was able to just tell myself that this is what my body is made to do and it was easy. Not fun or pain free but a good experience. I am nervous. I kinda want my mom there too, but not the girls. Someone has to watch them and they adore her so she's it. I am worried about what to eat today. I don't want to poop while I deliver. I haven't done that yet and don't want to now. Especially since I work there. I'd hate to see my nurse or doctor in the hall knowing I pooed in their face. I had a hard time sleeping last night. I probably won't sleep at all tonight. I can't wait to see his little face. His ultrasounds were adorable. I hope he looks like a boy, but not a little old man. Of course as long as he's healthy is all that really matters. It is unbelievable that the time is here. I didn't expect to get pregnant so quickly, then the pregnancy was a breeze until 34 weeks. That's when the pre-term labor started and I have worried ever since. Having him outside my body so I can see him will lesson my anxiety a bit. Then I'll have a whole new set of worries! Today is Mylie's last day as a baby. That saddens me. I hope she adjusts well. Talise is crazy excited. She's been through all this before so it's no big deal. Fernando is excited and anxious too. He wants to be sure to cut the cord. He did it with Talise, but for some reason didn't with Mylie and has regretted it ever since. I hope tomorrow is all that we both want it to be.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
pre-baby appointment was today. Kinda bittersweet. I will be glad to have my body back to myself, but I know I will miss having him all to myself. Talise is going crazy waiting. She has already warned her granny that she gets to hold Bronson first! She wants o be in the delivery room, but that is not going to happen. The doctor said I am 3 cm dilated and 30% effaced. He thinks the induction will go well and we'll have Bronson by lunch. I hope he didn't jinx me by saying that! He said I should get there early and they will hook me up to an I.V. and start Pitocin, then when he comes in to do rounds he will break my waters as long as I am 4 cms which he thinks I will be. I hope it goes smoothly and quickly. Mylie's was 6 hours start to finish, so I am hoping my body responds well and I don't have to suffer long.