Friday, September 30, 2011

Exhausted and elated

I swear, nothing prepares you for the overwhelming exhaustion that comes with being a single parent. Heck a parent at all really. Even though they are mine, when Bryan comes home things calm down so much. I start counting down around 3:00 p.m. for him to be home at 6:00! Today he has overtime. He usually goes in early most mornings. Today and tomorrow he has mandatory overtime until later this evening. I'm telling ya, at this rate me and ol' Jose Cuervo are gonna be thick as theives by the time my man gets home! Just the constant motion of two little ones is enough to make my eye twitch, adding the fighting, screaming and crying and O.M.G! Then when Talise gets home from school Mylie bugs the tar outta her to go outside to play. Talise usually wants to relax a bit first so then the bickering and picking begins. Talise is very helpful with her brother though. I love my babies but I cannot wait for Mylie to start school, only 11 months and 2 days, but who's counting. Now to my elated part. My ring should be done by early next week. I am SO stoked about it. For fourteen years I wore a cubic zirconia (should've been my first clue) because that was all he could afford. We married at the court house and honeymooned in a cabin in Pigeon Fordge where the argueing began. I am very grateful and excited about the ring Bryan is having made for me. It's a custom design that we came up with together, so no one else will have my ring.  How cool is that? Well unless they see the designers picture on his website and requests it.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Am I wrong

OK. Bryan feels like because I choose my ring that he shouldn't have to ask me to marry him. Am I mistaken? Just because I know what I want and am not afraid to go after it does that mean that he doesn't have to ask? Especially since he asked the other woman? Am I being irrational? Please let me know. I just don't want to be disappointed twice. Does that make me selfish?

Monday, September 26, 2011


Assumptions suck. They set you up for disaster, yet everyone does it. I do it and often regret it. No one knows what someone else is thinking regardless of how well we may think we know them, yet we assume based on prior behaviors. So not OK! People who you think have your best interests at heart can screw you in a heart beat without a second thought. And people that you think aren't worthy of your trust may bail you out or keep your dirty secret to the grave so who can you trust? Who can you love? Why assume? Human nature, I guess. I hate being wrong.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Insecurities Suck!

How stupid is this? My man prefers a bigger girl, not obese but pretty close. He told me this BEFORE I saw any pictures of his exes. I thought cool, I'm not slender by any means so we are cool. Then, I keep finding pictures of girls he dated. O.M.G! Then one that got away...huge! I'm talking pre-baby roll after roll. My entire cranium could fit in one of her boobs! SERIOUSLY! I SHOULD feel like Hell Yeah! I am fricking awesome compared to these girls. So completely NOT the case! Seeing the three different girls that I saw, makes me want to starve myself! I've been a bigger girl, hell I was a total fat ass! I know some people are into that but I cannot wrap my brain around it. I was disgusted by myself then. I am a total emotional eater and was completely miserable then. I refuse to get big again. Right now, I could stand to lose at least 25 lbs. I cannot stand to be seen naked while standing. Silly huh? Whats the difference in standing a laying? When you're lying down everything spreads out evenly. My guy tells me how pretty, sexy, beautiful I am daily. I should be pleased but honestly I feel like men will say just about anything to get a piece. What's even more fucked up? I am in tune to guys. I can tell when they are into me. I see them stare and pay attention to their word choices. Most men are unbelievably transparent. I've had men at work, patients, be puking then say how embarrassed they are and how lucky to have such a beautiful nurse! I'm not a nurse! Whatever! No way could I be. Nurses bust their tails and do some disgusting stuff! Not enough money in the world for some of the tasks and patients they are subjected too, but I digress. I don't understand insecurities. Why is it that regardless of the affirmations we receive, or logic and reasoning they over rule? It just isn't right! I am a guilty mom, always questioning myself. I worry non-stop about my job and when a doctor, nurse, tech, whatever asks me if I "see anything" even if I do I am SO reluctant to say anything out of insecurities. Relationships? I over compensate then feel like a total douche! Of course someone is going to think it is OK to wake me up at 6 in the morning to make a lunch that they were too lazy to make for them selves if I keep putting out there that I am less than you! So why? I know that I am not a stupid woman, so again, why? Fricking insecurities, they suck ass!

Saturday, September 17, 2011

My birthday

I had the best birthday I have ever had as an adult. It started Thursday. Talise wanted to go to WalMart to buy me something since she hasn't ever been able to buy me a gift before. In the past she always gave me something of hers that she really liked. She was really torn because she only had so much money and wanted to buy artificial nails for herself also. When I told her I'd buy the nails she went back and bought me something else! So she gave me two pairs of earrings. Obviously the little stinker doesn't hate me as much as she say she does. Then, that evening, Bryan's mom came over and brought Talise's and my gifts and also something for Mylie and Bronson so they wouldn't feel left out. That was so touching! Our gifts were beautiful. Then on my actual birthday Bryan arranged for my mother to come down and watch my kids so we could spend the day together. She got there early and brought me gifts!  He took me to breakfast, then to look at engagement rings! He decided to have one custom made. I am SO stoked! After that he took me shopping! Then we went to buy Talise's gift from him. We came home for a bit until it was time to drop the kids off with their father. Once we dropped them off he took me out to dinner. We had so much fun! The food was amazing, the drinks were good and we were in just the best mood. He told the bartender it was my birthday so they gave me a free shot of Patron! As I was enjoying that and talking to him I all of a sudden felt a weight on my head. A fricking sombrero! I took that thing off as fast as they put it on! Hello head lice! They sang to me, brought me out Sopapilla and took our picture together. They gave me a copy of the picture in a little paper frame that said Happy Birthday. The picture turned out really good. It was an awesome day.