Saturday, May 12, 2007

I'm so fed up with everything!

I just wish I weren't even here. My child is ungrateful, my husband acts like I am such a bother. He won't make my daughter be responsible for her actions. He's trying I know it's just not enough. I can't take much more. I am STILL not pregnant. We are so far behind on everything, after we worked so hard to get here. I sleep as much as possible just so that I don't have to deal with it all. Then I feel guilty because what kind of parent is that? I just can't do it all. My friends are so far away from me. The only so called people near me that are supposed to be friends I cannot trust. I am just so upset. I had that fucking surgery to loose weight am now I feel even more disgusted in myself than before. I don't understand it! I just can't get a break! I WANT to throw up all the time. I KNOW that it could totally fuck up my pouch.I DELIBERATELY eat things I shouldn't to the point of feeling sick enough to throw up. I am so totally fucked up. No wonder GOD won't give me a kid. I am a fucking kid. I am so pathetic. When I quit being able to use food as a substitute for anxiety I started having panic attacks! I went from being a thin smoker to a fat angry cow, to a thin flabby pathetic loser that has to take drugs to act like a half way normal person. I sabotage myself constantly.I HATE my body. I HATE my person. I HATE ME!!!!!!!!!!