Thursday, July 26, 2012

My mother, or lack thereof

My mother and I have always had a strained relationship. She's not exactly an easy person to deal with. Plus she is bi-polar. She is in counseling and being medicated but still swings with her moods bad. Their is a lot in our past that really shouldn't have happened, but I have accepted and forgiven her for. I have not forgotten though, never will. We did not speak much at all for a long time. When I had my oldest child I reached out to her and have tried to maintain a relationship with her so my kids would have a grandparent. It has not been easy. We had a major falling out the day before Mother's Day.  My husband popped my oldest child's leg with his hand. My child called her grandmother. My mother then proceeds to call my husband and threatens him. Threatens to come to our house and having to be taken away by police. She then calls me at work, screaming at me. She said I was an unfit mother and threatened to report me to DFACS for allowing some man to hit my child. Now, if she were just a concerned grandma I could have reasoned with her. When she watched my kids I had to leave work because she hit my oldest with a switch on the arm that not only broke the skin, but left a scar. The school did send out a counselor to investigate and it was a big deal. I was physically abused as was my brother. I really thought she was a different person now. I was mistaken. When she threatened to report me, as I was hanging up the phone, I said f-you. I shouldn't have said it but I was really upset and had no idea she heard me say it. About a week after our argument I called her to talk things out. It did not help. She informed me that she heard what I had said, which I told her wasn't meant for her to hear. She then said how she'd like to hit me in the face because of it. She ranted for a good twenty minutes then refused to come to my oldest child's graduation. During the next week she would not answer my daughter's calls. Sometime in the middle of June she started texting my daughter, blaming me for them not seeing each other. It didn't matter what my child said to her she had a way it was my fault. This got my girl really upset and she came and showed me her phone. I then texted my mother and asked her to please stop texting my child as she was getting really upset. Her response was "don't worry you'll never hear from me again, you bitch. U r screwed in the head, KMA (kiss my ass) u bitch, u will answer, pat urself on the back bitch, pay back is hell bitch u will answer. I didn't raise u to be a self centered bitch, bitch, I don't know u. I wasn't the whore and dope head u were bitch" I quite responding to her. Did I mention that not only was she a pot head while I was growing up, but I walked in on her having sex with my 16 yr. old boyfriend? She also slept with a couple of my class mates and two of my best friends boy friends. I've tried not to think about it. My husband was really hoping she'd come around to see Bree be born. I doubted it. Now I know she won't. My aunt called me a couple of days ago. She said she tried talking to my mother. She said that my mother bragged about "going off" on me and then said that I will have to call her and beg her for forgiveness. Me. Even after I have already called and tried to talk things out. When my aunt brought up her not seeing or speaking to her grand kids my moms response was "well when Talise turns 16 she'll come see me." That's five years away. This shouldn't bother me. I moved out at 16 because of her. She did not attend my high school graduation. She did not attend my first wedding. She was not there when I had my first child. She did not attend my college graduation. I had to give her gas money when ever she did come down to see the kids.  I should be numb to all this now. I'm not. It sucks. When I started having contractions and was being monitored I wanted to call her. When the doctor told me he was concerned about my baby's heart beat, I wanted to call her (Bree is fine thank God!). I call my mother in law, she is wonderful. I call my father, he listens and tries to give advice. I call my aunt. It's just not the same.  I will be fine, I know. It is her loss. She is missing so much. I just hurt for my kids because they deserve better. You know what though, even Mylie said that Nanny Pam ( my mother in law) is much nicer than granny. At least they have that. I'm just sad, emotional.