Thursday, September 30, 2010

Big Boy

Bronson is such a big boy. It amazes me and saddens me at the same time. He is reaching milestones much faster than my girls did. Ofcourse he has two older sisters that are constantly playing with him, cuddling him, or talking to him.  He can hold his bottle almost completely by himself. When he nurses he will grab my breast and push it back then get so mad that it comes out of his mouth. He must be going though a growth spurt because he will nurse off of both breasts then still want 4 ounces of formula mixed with rice cereal.  He'll drink it all and not spit it up. He has three teeth coming in.  One on the bottom and two on the top.  They are giving him fits.  He tries to be happy though. He's such a trooper. When he is on his belly he will ush his legs up under his belly and then push himself forward with his feet. He can scoot anywhere. He's found his hands.  He loves grabbing his toys and putting anything and everything in his mouth to chew. My favorite part of this stage is his cuddling and laughing. Listening to him laugh just makes my heart flutter. It is so beautiful. When he does it his smile spreads into his dimples. So cute. Usually when he sleeps he wants to be in his bed alone. Lately, he will want to nurse, then he'll snuggle up as close to me as possible and just sleep. When I try to put him in his bed he'll fuss. As soon as I pick him back up and lay him beside me he'll wiggle his way back over to me and snuggle up as close as possible. I love it. I have to fight the urge to keep kissing him over and over. I try to limit myself to two kisses. It's difficult though. He's gotten so fat. Looking at him today as I undressed him for his bath, he was adorable. Besides his triple chin, he has squishy arms, and big Buddah belly, then rolls and rolls on his thighs and fat little sausage toes. He loves it when you pretend to eat his toes.  He loves a warm bath, and to have baby powder rubbed all over him. He's such a sweet boy. I am so in love.


Fernando called her, crying, saying he needs my help. He has no food and no one will help him. Not even his dad. She got crazy mad at me because I said no. He wasn't worried about us needing to pay rent and utilities and buy diapers and school clothes when he quit his job so why should I care about him now? She was sad and crying and scared he was gonna die from starvation. I am SO pissed off at him right now! So freaking selfish to put his problems onto Talise, he knows she worries all the time. She's not going to be allowed to talk to him for a while anyways because he keeps putting the kids in the middle. I overheard him tell Mylie to ask me when she can see him and to tell me she misses him.I can't for the life of me understand why he would want to burden our children with his problems.  Especially problems he created for himself. I know he is scared.  He still doesn't have a job.  The one he just knew he would get he hasn't. He has no car. He really believed that this was just a test. That even though he left, that I would take him back in. I hate to keep the kids from him, only because it upsets the girls. I cannot keep allowing him to upset them though. This is all hard on them enough already. why would he make it worse? Selfishness!

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Involving the children

This is a difficult time for them, well except Bronson. Fernando wasn't around Bronson much anyways, and when he was he didn't want to hold him much. The girls are a different story. Talise understands why she can't go see her dad right now. She just worries about him and asks about when she can go see him. I hope that eventually she can. Mylie knows that something is up, just not what.  I have no idea on how to address the issue with her. So, for now daddy is t work.  he'll call and not want to talk to Mylie because he can't understand her. He'll just hang up on her. She completely flips out.  It hurts her feelings, which angers me. I bite my tongue though. It's difficult. I overheard him telling Mylie to ask mommy when you can come see me. That got under my skin too. She's two! Plus that makes me the bad guy.  I shouldn't have to tell him not to involve our baby! He sends messages to me through Talise. She keeps asking me when I am going to start dating.  I really feel like he is putting her up to that. I told her not until I am divorced. Who has time for that?  I am alone with three children, two of which cannot be reasoned with. My neighbor across the street told me that he spoke with Fernando yesterday. Fernando thinks I am cheating on him. It couldn't be all that he put us through. No way! Must be another man.  He also asked my neighbor to spy on me. My neighbor says he refused.  Who knows.  Let him spy.  There's nothing to see. Fernando told him my mom beats the kids with a stick. The neighbor told Fernando he hasn't ever seen a mark on them. Fernando asked Talise tonight if he ever abused her.  She said she just sat there.  Then he said he only spanked her right? She didn't say anything. Then he said never mind. She told me that made her sad. I am so grateful that she has a good counselor to talk to. She likes him and she really likes being able to get things off of her chest without hurting any one's feelings. I just wish that Fernando wouldn't try to involve them. They love us both and don't want to be in the middle of this.

Monday, September 27, 2010

Crazy with a plan

So I have received numerous emails  requesting visitation with the kids. No. When he gets into some counseling and back on the medications he is supposed to be on and can pass a drug test showing those meds are in his system, then maybe. I will not expose my children to a risk of abuse or neglect. No more. Sorry. I have explained this to him via email several times. How difficult is it to understand? I also explained to him that my attorney advised me to call the police if he shows up over here. Sunday, while I was at work, my neighbor came over to my house to speak with my mother. He told her that Fernando called him and asked him to come pick him up.  Fernando wanted him to bring him to my house to visit his kids. It is a surprise. He also wanted to know if my moms van was at my house. Thank goodness my neighbor had the good sense to tell him no.  My neighbor used to work for the sheriffs department, he advised my mom to tell me to buy some no trespassing signs to put out. I hate the thoughts of it.  They look so tacky. However, I will. To protect my children, I'll do what ever I have to. It's not that I don't want him to see them.  They miss him dearly. I just don't trust him. I love my babies and want no harm to come to them. With Mylie trying to be independent and Bronson teething they are not the easiest to be around. I don't think he would handle it well. I am not risking it. I pray that he doesn't continue with the craziness.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010


Fernando has been kicked out of his buddy's house. The one that was SO important that Fernando argued with me over going out with him. July 4, 2010 His friends wanted to meet up to shoot off fireworks. Bronson was about 4 weeks old at the time. I had NO help from him with Bronson or keeping up the house. So, I did not want strangers coming to the house. I wanted to get out though. I was having a really hard time with post partum depression. His buddy wanted to meet at the lake at 11:00 a.m. No way was I going to have my newborn out in the heat like that all day. I suggested either we could meet up with them in the evening or Fernando could go with the girls and come get Bronson and me later on when it started to cool off. He started telling his buddy how psycho I was and that I ruined everything. Needless to say after that I wasn't exactly anxious to meet this guy. This is the same buddy that told him about this other job, the one Fernando still hasn't gotten. The buddy that Fernando quit his last job to go work with. So basically he dropped his family to hang out with this dream buddy, who kicked his tail to the curb. He cried to Talise yesterday. Boo flipping hoo! That angers me. The poor girl worries so much about everything as it is. Man up and shut your pie hole. He has been emailing me like mad. Thinking he is going to weasel his way back in here. Don't think so. Finally we are free. He was abusive. I feel shameful and foolish even admitting it. I feel stupid and like a horrible parent for staying so long. I often had to intervene. I am not perfect. I do the best I can. We've been on the verge of divorce so many times.  I should have left just five months in, the first time he hit me after we were married. I should of not married him after he threw me across the room while we were engaged. I don't like to admit failure. At least now I have three amazing babes, I am a stronger, less tolerant woman. The entire reason for me going to college was so that I could divorce Fernando and take good care of Talise. I didn't want her to do without. So now I am educated and have a good job. I work two days a week and still am able to support my family. I suffered.  We suffered. We are better.  Good even. He always told me I was a selfish, heartless bitch. so why do I feel  tiny bit bad that he has screwed up so many relationships that his own family won't take him in.  He currently resides in a hotel somewhere. A room that his brother paid for just to keep him off the streets but out of his home. It's a bit pathetic. I do not love him. I do not miss him. I am actually quite gleeful to be free of him. My heart aches for Talise. She is worried. I guess it's a good thing that I am heartless huh? He did it to himself.

Monday, September 20, 2010

Getting things done

I have such a busy girl. Since September 3, 2010 I have cleared all his things out of my house. I have put everything in storage. I have dropped him off of everything I can. A lot of things require a divorce decree. I have contacted an attorney. I am opened new accounts. I have filled out so much paper work, waited on hold for hours, drove all over the place to get things done. It is exhausting! I am so ready for this all to be over. He's trying to work his way back in here. Not Gonna Happen! After ranting and raving the entire time I was on maternity leave about not wanting to be a mister mom and how he will not stay home weekends to watch our children he is now emailing me (must be with help) saying how much he misses them and would like to watch them on weekends. NOPE! Not after the way he bullied them after I had Bronson. It will be a frozen day in hell first. i pray that I get full custody. I pray that he gets limited if not supervised visitation. I want the kids to see him, but am really scared to leave them alone with him. He had gotten quite mean and physical with them. I had to constantly intervene. Even though he didn't physically hurt Bronson, he did little things that were mean. Bronson likes to lay on his belly to sleep so he can suck his thumb. He would lay Bronson on his back and let him cry. He commented how he felt nothing towards him, and even commented once while we were in the car and Bronson was crying how he'd like to get back there and slap the shit out of Bronson. No way do I want him around Bronson! The last time he was home my mom was here too.  I had to work. He was mad because Mylie wanted him to hold her, he was holding Bronson. Since he refused to put Bronson down Mylie started pitching a fit.  he screamed out that all three of these damn kids need to go to a f*@#*&# orphanage! My mom was livid. Who says that? OK, enough bashing.  I am bitter  angry.  Done. I just want to protect my babies, but I don't want them to hate me for keeping them from him.  Yet I am afraid, seriously afraid, to let them be alone with him. Maybe them hating me isn't so bad. It just sucks that I am the one loving them, taking care of them, working, disciplining, nagging and he is the one Talise calls to tell him how her day was. He makes all these promises to her. He actually followed through for her birthday, and now he's offering her more money. What about money for food or electricity? How about diaper money? nah, fish are more fun right. The babies will just get trained to use the paper. Bronson can scoot.  I'm sure I can teach him to squat. He left several lighters. It may take a while to cook by lighter, but we can make do. We are resilient. Spam doesn't require much heat anyways.

Like a weed

Bronson is growing so fast! Not only is he a total piglet, he's long and smart! He's scooting around on his belly. He's trying so hard to imitate my words. He's got the sounds ah and hi down. He's finally figured out how to work his hands and will pull your face in real close to his to try to chew on you. He's in teething hell. Poor little guy is miserable. We are currently using Tylenol and teething tablets as needed. I am seriously considering a Baltic Amber anklet too though. He's just pitiful. I'm still debating.

Friday, September 17, 2010

Silly girl

Since the arrival of our new addition my sweet little Mylie has been....not so sweet. Most days are filled with tantrums. Sometimes it feels like just one long continuous tantrum.  Other days are like this:

she's so much fun on her sweet days. Makes up for all the crazy ones.

Thursday, September 16, 2010


Fernando has been promising Talise the world since he left.  I know he doesn't want to loose face with her. Although to me, he already has.  But I digress, he actually came through for her. He bought her some super cute Sketchers, a Venus flytrap, and gave her money to go to the movies.  I am impressed. I hope it is the start of a trend.  I won't hold my breath though. In other news I got my Alabama drivers licence today. It took a while, but my picture came out good. That pleased me. Of course I already felt better about myself since I was sporting my pre-pregnancy jeans. I felt pretty.  It was nice. I had a good looking date too. He was a little touchy feely and couldn't keep his mouth off of me. He's so handsome I didn't mind. Don't you agree?


First thing this morning the telephone rings. I pick it up and look at it. Checking the caller ID. I see Fernando's friend's telephone number. I groan. I hold the phone for a minute, then decide if I let it go to voice mail he'll just continue to call until I want to smash the device into little bits. I answer. On the other end I hear a woman's voice, "I'm sorry, I have the wrong number." I find it quite amusing. His friends wife is obviously going through his phone. I called him before I knew Fernando left. I called to get him to speak to Fernando regarding his plane ticket exchange. Fernando wouldn't answer my calls. At the time I assumed he was mad at me for trying to convince him to be responsible. When will people realize that it doesn't matter how much you check someone else's phone, email, Facebook, or Twitter. You cannot control someone else's actions. All you are doing is spinning your own wheels and stressing yourself out. If you are worried about your loved one cheating it's probably because they are. God gives you intuition for a reason. Follow it. I used to be very insecure and let me tell you, it does no good what so ever! I was just miserable, and who wants to be with someone miserable. Maybe I shouldn't find it so amusing that she called. But I smiled. Happy Birthday to me!

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Climbing the hill

I'm getting old. I don't like it. I don't want wrinkles or gray hair. I don't feel old most days. I definitely don't want to look it. I was going to try to let my hair grow out, but now I am re-thinking it. I may just get it cut again and color it. Maybe I'll add some funky high lights. I am not at all fond of my laugh lines, or the creases near my eyes when I smile. Ugh! At least I've got my health, except for my right knee.  It's a little creaky. Oh and here's me without make-up, eek!

Monday, September 13, 2010

It NEVER ends!

Or at least it feels that way. Now he can't understand why I don't want to be friends. Now he calls ALL the time harassing me. Asking stupid things. Expecting me to behave like him. What about our pictures? Please don't burn them!  Do you really think I am like that? I mean he's known me 13 years! Why would I destroy anything that my babies may want? Why would I destroy anything that has positive memories? Then, yesterday I get a call at work from him. I am in the middle of scanning a critical patient and he's ranting and raving about my mother watching the girls.  I just hung up and called back after I was finished.  He doesn't care that my job affects other people's health.  Brain scans are important. Brain injuries need treatment quickly. So when I call back he's freaking out about Talise calling him because Granny popped her on the back of the head. She didn't tell him that the reason was because my mom was feeding Bronson and Mylie had a huge blow out diaper. My mom asked Talise to hose her down in the shower and my mom heard Mylie start screaming like mad so when she goes in there Mylie is pink. Mom felt the water and it was super hot.  Without even thinking about it she popped her. She then called me almost in tears because she popped her. She felt horrible and even apologized to Talise. It was her first reaction. He was saying he felt like he needed to protect Talise. What a joke! He's got a DFCS record for hitting Talise when she was Mylie's age. He had to take anger management and parenting classes. He's got police reports from where he tried to abuse me also. He was saying that he could come here when ever he wanted to. He said it like a threat. I am going to have to take legal action and quick. I have so much to do today. He doesn't realize that IF I have to, I will be ugly. The only reason we have been married as long as we have is because he wouldn't leave. Now that he abandoned our family I can finally be free. He forgets telling them that all three of them need to go to an orphanage. He forgets screaming at Talise because she dropped her plate on the floor.  He was poking her in the stomache cussing her and calling her names. He forgets grabbing Mylie and body slamming her into the bed because she was bouncing on it. Yet He needs to protect them. I was ALWAYS having to intervene. Getting between our children and him. I am SO angry about the whole situation.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Venting so my head doesn't explode

Since I don't want my children to hear me say negative things about their father I will vent here. Oh My Goodness! He called and tells Talise that he needs to speak to me. What? He needs clothes. OK, I've already started packing them up, you can meet me at the storage unit to get them. His response? You mean you're packing my things? Uh, Yeah! What's going on he says. SERIOUSLY! I told him I didn't have time for games, unless he really needed something I had to go. I hung up. Total crap. Unbelievable! What's going on, are you kidding me? I felt like banging my head on the counter top. Well he calls back a few hours later. You know, never mind about the clothes. OK I say. How long can my things stay at the unit? As long as you need them there. I told him seeing as how I paid for most of it I wouldn't want to ruin things I worked hard for. I then said bye and hung up. He flipping calls again! It's late, the kids are asleep and I am getting ticked off. He asks me if the reason I am being so short with him is so that I can get over him. My thoughts were don't flatter yourself punk, however, I didn't say that. I told him he told me that he chose himself over our children, he said he couldn't wait to divorce me and that I could go f*** myself, so that's what I'm doing. Leave me alone and don't call back unless it is a true emergency. I'm telling you.  This whole routine is old already.  I cannot wait to get this over with. I am so over dramatic crap. How dare he name call and bully then act like a poor little victim.  You made your bed buddy, now lay in it. Oh and he joined Facebook after speaking with me. Never before has he shown any interest.  i guess he doesn't realise that you can block people and set things to private.

So much love

I am so blessed. Often, in the past, I have felt so lonely. Most of my friends are far away, or doing their own things. Often I feel jealous that I am not included. I miss them. Rarely do I speak to them. So many people have come forward and shown me so much support and kindness. Even just a kind word lifts me up. It's amazing what it does for my self esteem. I still wish I was able to go out with girl friends. Just hanging out without kids. It'll eventually happen.  If not with old friends with new. For now, all the words of encouragement are enough. I thank God for blessing me with so many that care. I thank my friends for letting me know I matter.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

I've come to realize

That maybe I don't love him either. I haven't liked him for a long time, but I don't miss him at all. Wouldn't I miss him if I loved him? Wouldn't I be sad about packing up his things or opening a new checking account. Wouldn't filling out divorce papers cause anxiety if I felt like I was losing something? I don't feel like a victim. I get disappointed that we were left in the financial situation we are in right now. I also know that my situation will improve. I feel free. Relaxed. Almost happy. I've enjoyed not listening to negativity, criticism, or bullying. I've been nicer to be around. My kids have gotten along better. The girls haven't fought nearly as much. I find myself not feeling flustered when I am trying to accomplish something and they are spitting out question after question. I feel better. My life now has so many more possibilities. I can use this to teach my girls how important education and independence really are. I've learned a lot from this relationship. I've learned just what really is important to me. What character traits really matter. I'm much stronger now.  More sure of myself. I know that I am worth much more and deserve to be loved, to laugh often and enjoy being at home. Freedom. I am learning to embrace it. It feels good.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

No Supermom

As a parent, at least for me, I try to spare my children pain at all costs. Any perceived injustice towards them is a huge threat towards me. I am a complete mama bear. I get angry and quite fierce. It's really difficult to control that feeling. You know, the urge to claw someones eyes out. That's how I felt when I saw these:

This has totally broken my heart and angered me. I will keep my thoughts about this from her. I wish I were a super mom, I would shield all three from this injustice.

Monday, September 6, 2010


dumbfounded (comparative more dumbfounded, superlative most dumbfounded)
  1. shocked and speechless.

[edit] Synonyms

One thing I've never doubted, no matter how ugly things got, was his love for our children. Then Friday happened. honestly, I feel relief for myself. My heart aches for our children. Talise especially. She's hurt and angry. She loves her daddy. She feels rejected and unwanted. He's promising her the world right now. I know he doesn't want to loose face. It angers me though. I just keep my lips tight. It's not my place to discredit him. My mother doesn't think I should allow the girls to talk to him. Why not? I don't care if they call him 100 times a day. If that makes them feel better. Of course Mylie doesn't know anything. She just thinks he's at work. I hope he doesn't say anything just yet. I don't know how to approach the subject with a two year old. I want to talk to a counselor first. She's already dealing with so much since she is no longer the baby. The whole situation just blows my mind. I cannot see how he could look at their sweet faces and leave. I'm glad he did though. I would have had a horrible time getting him out of the house otherwise. At least now I don't have to worry about that. I don't understand why I am so freaked out about it. I am used to him being gone. When he was over the road I was much calmer and happier. I know I can pay for everything and provide for our kids.  I paid for them and him for two years.  They still had decent holidays, clothes, food, and extracurriculars. Plus, they don't get speeding tickets, smoke cigarettes, or buy 1000 coffee's a day. I may now actually be able to save up some money for emergencies. No more fighting, name calling, picking or undermining. No more being embarrassed by lack of tact or down right rudeness. I feel a sense of relief, finally.  I just wish I could shield my babies from the pain they feel.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Hopelessly in Love

With my sweet, sweet boy. He is just beyond amazing. His smile melts me. He is always cooing and grinning. He loves to cuddle up with me. He loves his momma. That's the best part. When my mom was watching him last weekend she caught him staring at a picture of me cooing. That made my day. Sometimes I have to fight to keep from waking him up I am so anxious to hold and kiss him. I cannot believe their was ever any doubt in my mind about if I could love him like I love my girls. I have an abundance of love for him. Just look at him!

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Redneck Town

As my husband would call it. That's where we reside. Our neighbors know everyone. People you don't know wave at you. Infact, my husband just rides with his hand up most of the time because every car that passes seems to wave at you. It is small. A lot smaller than where we are from, and what we are used to. I'm not exactly thrilled with our current location. However, I am getting there with my daughter's new school. It is a small school, only one classroom per grade. It educates from kindergarten to eighth grade. TINY. You know what though, after meeting me last year when I enrolled her the lady at the front desk remembered me. She remember my daughter. She walked us to her classroom to meet her teacher rather than just telling us how to get there. That pleased me so. Then today I got a phone call from Talise's teacher. She was worried that she embarrassed Talise at school and wanted to apologize and explain. She also wanted to be sure Talise understood her homework. I am very impressed. I may bake up something yummy for them. So, if they are rednecks, I guess I'm into rednecks. I like them and the kindness they have shown.

Checking them out