Saturday, July 19, 2008 stinking smart!

That baby just amazes me! Now when I change her diaper, once I get it unfastened and pull the front down she holds her little legs up in the air and grabs her toes! i swear she is holding them up out of the way the same way I do. I am a toe holder also! I tell you, she is a genius! She babbles at you in sync with the conversation, like she totally understands what is going on. I just love looking at her. I made the mistake of reading a myspace post about a baby that was shaken to death and now I can't stop thinking about it, or thinking about Mylie. I worry constantly about ways to protect both of my children but especially Mylie since she can't speak yet. Everytime I think about the shaken baby I pull Mylie in a little closer, kiss her a little more often and cuddle with her a little longer. i want her to know how much I love her but don't feel that I can express it enough. My overwhelming worry of something happening to her ( I worry more about SIDS the SBS) makes me dote on her a lot, which in turn makes me feel guilty about giving her so much more attention than Talise. So both of my girls have been hearing a lot of I love you's lately.

I adore my baby

When I was pregnant I was so looking forward to the overwhelming feeling of falling completely in love with my baby. That is how it was with Talise. I was just looking at her the day I brought her home from the hospital, holding her in my arms and I just had this immense feeling of a love that I cannot describe wash over me. That is what I expected with Mylie since I had to try so hard and for so long to get her. But after all the prayers, tears, pleas, and drugs it took to get her here I didn't get that feeling. I was bummed out. She was absolutely beautiful from the moment she came out of me. She barely cried. She just snuggled up next to me and relaxed, that in my arms, listening to my heart is exactly where she should be, and still no gush of love. I felt jipped. But now I realize that what I have is just as immense and overwhelming, so much so that God couldn't put it on me all at once, I couldn't take it. I completely adore her. It snook up on me and now I am smitten. I can honestly say that I have never had a negative thought towards her at all. i look forward to going home to her. I still get excited about her waking up, even if I am dog tired. I could cry right now thinking about her. I still just lay and stare at her, kissing her sweet little forehead as she nurses. When she smiles, oh how my heart melts. What's even better, is that Talise adores her too. Mylie adores Talise. Her little eyes light up when she sees her big sister. She stares at her and smiles, she laughs at her and tries to kiss her. Now I know why God waited so long to bless us with Mylie. He knew I wasn't ready, my heart just wasn't big enough to appreciate all of her greatness. I now know that my heart is huge, it has to be, or else it would just explode from all the love I carry in it for my children. I love them both for different reasons, but I love them all the same.
It is amazing how different your kids can be. Talise is so head strong, always has been. She is relentless, intelligent, kind, silly and very sensitive. Mylie is happy, content, laid back and cuddly. I cannot believe how incredibly blessed I am. Thank you God for blessing me with two beautiful girls, please always keep them safe and healthy.

Saturday, July 12, 2008

Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day!

Today started out well enough. I had to rush to get the girls from the sitter and take the to the nutritionist. That went well. Talise can eat a lot more things than I thought, which made her happy, me too. I don't want her to feel left out, but I don't want her to get heavy either. So we get home and Mylie and I lay down. Talise hates when I have to go to sleep after work. I don't blame her, she's bored. I would be too. She let me sleep though, or tried to. My mom called, which woke me up, but gave Talise someone to talk to. Then Carlos called...6 TIMES!!!!!!!! that just plain pissed me off. When I got up after the last call I asked Talise to get me a glass of tea, which she happily did. Then I asked her where my cell phone was, it was supposed to be on the charger, but I knew that she spoke to my mom on it so I figured it wasn't. I was right. Not only was it not on the charger but she had destroyed the house. Sofa cushions were everywhere, there was a huge mixing bowl with what was left of cereal and milk on the table, toys all over the floor, grapes everywhere. I was mad. I told her to get in there and pick up her mess, and find my phone. She started arguing with me! Saying she couldn't look for my phone if she was cleaning up the sofa. So I jumped up and spanked her, but not until she ran in her room to hide where I find Fernando asleep! I didn't even know he had come home. Instead of entertaining his poor bored to death daughter, he takes a nap! So as I was going to the bathroom I see where Talise has Mylie's baby powder out in the dining room, after she said she put it away. So I hollered at her to come get it and put it where it goes. She wouldn't come to me. she said she was too scared. So I popped her on the leg again, once she finally got it and put it in Mylie's room. Then I finally make it to the bathroom and see where Talise had pooped her pants and left it in the bathroom floor!!!!!! So I called her in there and made her get down to see what I was angry about and told her to clean it up. She tossed it in the laundry room. I told her no, you have to clean up the poop before you put the panties in the laundry room. After she cleans it up I notice one of Mylie's baby spoons on the bathroom counter. I pick it up and carry it with me to my bedroom where Talise is to ask her why she messed with it. Mylie's hasn't even gotten to use them yet! As I hold it up for her to see she turns around real fast to take off away from me and her hair catches around the rubber tip of the spoon and pulls. She started screaming and I had to get the spoon out of her hair. She did go clean up the sofa and I was so upset that I had to throw up. While I a heaving I hear Fernando telling her it was her fault that I was sick, because of all her crying. That pissed me off! When she came in the bedroom where I was nursing Mylie I told her it was not her fault that I got sick, I got sick because I was so upset, not because she cried. I apologized for loosing my temper. I still hate myself for it. I got no sleep, I am stressed out, I have a ton on my plate, and I was angry at Fernando for not staying up with her. He doesn't seem to care how all of this affects me. I cried. I called my mom, she made me feel a little better. It was like I was watching myself, or I was possessed or something. I know how it feels to be treated that way and yet I still did it. I don't understand why. When I am stressed Fernando focuses on making it worse. He'll make little comments or holler out. I yelled at Talise so while I was vomiting he would yell out just the same exact thing and the same exact way I did. He did it just to upset me. I don't understand. Why didn't he step in and stop me. Why didn't he try to calm me down? We don't deserve to be parents. I don't want to leave him, but sometimes I think we'd be better off apart. So basically, my day sucked. I totally failed my daughter. I hope I can do better tomorrow. I pray that I do enough good to make up for the bad.

Monday, July 7, 2008

Change has come in so many ways...

I cannot believe how long it has been since I posted on here. Well to catch up I DID get pregnant in July of 07 and had an amazing pregnancy, so easy. I went into labor 2 weeks early and didn't even really think I was in labor, just that something was going on. I think I could've done it without drugs, but was afraid to try. On March 27 2008 at 1:18 a.m. Mylie Isabel Dutra glided peacefully into our world. What a blessing she is! She barely cried, and was absolutely beautiful. i couldn't take my eyes off of her and giggled when I heard her first cry. After all the prayers, sobs and arguments. All the years of trying, begging, feeling let down by my own body. She is here. She is the BEST baby ever. She wakes up with a huge smile. She grins so wide. Her whole face lights up. She only cries when she is hungry or sleepy or hurt. She has terrible reflux, but doesn't even fuss over it. She looks a lot like my dad, which makes me think of him more often. She'll gladly accept breast or bottle, mom's milk or formula. She loves a bath, and lying on a blanket outside looking up at the sky. She sucks on her little fingers to soothe herself. She doesn't fuss over diaper changes and clothes changes. She looks for her sister anytime she hears her. She LOVES Talise! Talise is outstanding as a big sister. She takes it very seriously, and even though she says she misses having me to herself she dotes on Mylie a lot. She is always wanting to buy her clothes and toys. She loves to hold her. It amazes me how two people can have two children that are so very different. Mylie is so laid back and happy. Talise is high strung, but very funny. Both of them are full of love. Mylie is long and chubby, where Talise was tiny in every way. Mylie warns you before she starts crying with a few uncomfortable grunts where Talise went into full blown hysteria immediately. I am so much more calm and patient with Mylie, which makes me feel bad for Talise. I was so unsure of myself with her, which made me very anxious. I think she fed off of that. I didn't fall head over heals in love with Mylie immediately like I did with Talise. But now I cannot imagine my life without her. She is so peaceful and cuddly. I just love holding her in my arms with her sweet little cheek next to mine kissing her little head. I think it is impossible to be unhappy around her. God surpassed my expectations, she is definately worth the wait.