So not ready

Before I even had Bree I dreaded having to go back to work from maternity leave. Silly, I know. Knowing that she is my last baby is very difficult for me. I don't want to miss anything. So I have counted the weeks and tried to not worry about it. Over all I did good. For some reason I had it in my head that I go back to work 12/15. I got up today to count the weeks again so I could call my boss to get put on the December schedule. I miscounted. I go back 12/8. I even called Human Resources to be sure. Now I am a mess. I have cried off and on all day. My stomach is in knots. I feel confidant in my husband and I know she will be properly cared for. I look forward to having my own money again and seeing my co-workers. I just really want to bring her with me. I know that is not at all a possibility. I love my job. It's just that I will never experience any of those firsts again. No more lasts either. She's recently started cooing a lot. She stares at me now. She looks for me in a room when someone else holds her. She seeks me out when she hears my voice. I am going to miss her terribly. I keep telling myself it's only two days. Seems like nothing but it is two very long, entire days. I will only get to sleep beside her. That's the only time I will get. I will make it. I did with Bronson. I thought he was my last too. Ugh.

Two Months!

I cannot wrap my brain around my tiny little baby being two months old already. It feels like we just came home from the hospital. She's much fatter than she used to be. She is in a size 1 diaper and filling out her newborn clothes now. She smiles at me now. She still sleeps most of the day, but she has started cooing when she is awake. She loves her bath. We are establishing a night time routine. A bottle, a good man belch, then a warm bath. I use the night time baby wash and pour warm water over her little belly while she lays back in the baby sling inside the tub. She coos, smiles and looks around. As soon as I lift her from the water she starts crying. She'd sleep in that tub if I let her. Once out and wrapped up, I give her a baby massage with gel oil, get her a fresh diaper and warm pajama's and her paci. She usually drifts off within a half hour of all this. I love cuddling with her. She is like a mini space heater. She nestles up super close and zonks out. I can breathe in her sweet baby smell and kiss her little head. I cannot believe this is my last go at this. It is bittersweet. I hold Bree as much as I can. Often, I'll feel guilty because I feel I am neglecting Bronson. Any time he comes to me I try to put her down and scoop him up. He's started to kiss and rub Bree more often. He sees that it please us. He's a good boy. He seems to have stopped trying to punish me. I'm torn at no more babies. I feel so foolish even letting that out. I have four beautiful healthy children. My last pregnancy wasn't fun. It wasn't horrible, but not fun. I'm not a fan of getting huge and uncomfortable. I love labor though. The entire process of having a baby is so miraculous. Such a tremendous blessing. Newborns are the most precious thing in the world. All the tiny baby noises, grunts and squirms. Feeling them on your chest.  I am soaking up as much of it as I can from Bree. She seems happy to oblige. I am grateful for every day I have with my babies. I am very protective of them. The idea of going back to work worries me. I just don't want to miss anything. This is my last chance at this. I wish their were a way for me to stay home and not miss a detail at all. At this time their simply isn't. Luckily I have my mother in law to help my husband. I know my babies are in good hands. I'm not worried about them in that sense any ways. I just worry that I'll miss a first. I didn't want to miss any firsts with the others either. This time seems so final that it weighs on me more to witness them all. I want to remember the lasts as well. I was speaking to my grand mother in law yesterday and she was asking if Bree was feeling better. I realized that Bree had indeed quit coughing, but I couldn't point out when. That's the thing with having three so close together, and four total. I am a busy woman! Someone always needs something. I had all four sick at the same time, all with something different. Thankfully, they are all well now. I know they all finished their medicines, but I don't remember when each of their symptoms stopped. With my oldest I could have told you for sure. I was all over her. I try really hard to be all over them all. I think I do a good job. I just need to write it ALL down. Between laundry for 6 people, 3 meals plus snacks, school, doctors, dentists, orthodontists, extra curriculars, shopping and everyday life I just can't. I have an agenda to keep up with everything else. I look forward to work for that reason. Adult time, and a get away. The same time, I don't want to leave her.  I'm torn. Time to stop all this! I will live in the now and stop worrying about the rest. Two months already! Wow!

So grateful

I was driving to go pick Mylie up from school this afternoon and it just hit me. I am abundantly grateful for the life I have today. It has been a long hard road to get here. I have a vehicle that cranks every time I get in it. All it's functions works properly (heat, ac, radio). I have a cute little house to live in and we are looking into something bigger. Not just looking, but we will actually be able to move. It's not just wishful thinking. I have a good job that I enjoy doing. I have 4 beautiful, funny, smart children. My parents are still a live. I have amazing in laws that treat my children as their true grand kids. I have been given such a blessing their. Their biological grand parents don't treat them as well, heck they don't even know their father's parents. I am able to provide all the clothing, diapers, toys and treats they can ask for. I don't but i can. For those that have known me the longest know that is a big deal. Their was a time I had to ask for diaper money. Things aren't rosy, I mean this is life. Things happen, feelings get hurt, this is real. I'll take this over what I had any day. I am happy. I am grateful.

Under the weather

Sickness has struck our household. So far only Bryan and I am exempt. I sure hope I didn't just curse us by typing that out. Talise started getting sick the week after Bree was born. It just sounded like drainage making her cough so I just gave her OTC meds and we were riding it out. The next week Miss Mylie was coughing too. So much for my assumption. No fevers or anything so I gave her cough medicine.Well, Mylie started getting random low grade fevers and Bronson woke up barking so the Monday before Halloween we went to see the expert. I hauled Talise in too, feeling like a neglectful parent for not bringing my oldest in sooner. She obviously did not feel the same way. She was so angry I made her go to the pediatrician. Talise had an ear infection, Mylie had bronchitis and Bronson had croup.  We got all their meds filled and went home. All week we have been cleaning and spraying Lysol. We have tried are best to keep the germs at bay and all the kids away from Bree. I was hoping they would all be better by Halloween. Mylie had her first Halloween party at school. She was so excited to tell me about it when I picked her up from school. By the time we got home she zonked out immediately on the sofa. When we woke her up to see if she still wanted to go she said yes but was really ornery. Bronson refused to wear his costume, Mylie would only put on part of hers. Talise went with her friends and off we went to a neighborhood that actually has trick or treaters. They seemed to have fun. Once Bronson realized that when you knock on strangers doors they open up and give you candy he was completely on board. He even tried going into a lady's house! He LOVED seeing pets dressed up. I could tell they still weren't well because they only went around one block and Mylie said she had enough candy, she was ready to go home.  It was fine with us.  We got them loaded in the car and they were asleep before we got going. The next day I got the call...Mylie had a fever at school. I picked her up and called the pediatrician. Bree had started coughing that morning as well. They couldn't be seen until the next day. Mylie went and laid in her bed to watch television. Bronson came up to me and laid his head on my lap, he was hot. He had a fever. Then Mylie came in and was really hot. I took her temperature, it was 104.5! I took them both to Urgent Care. Mylie needed a breathing treatment and tested positive for strep. So she was sent home with an inhaler and antibiotics. Bronson had a bad middle ear infection, so antibiotics and pain relief for him. Friday morning we all headed to the pediatrician for Miss Bree. She, thankfully, only has an upper respiratory infection. We bought a humidifier, little noses drops and baby vapor rub. This morning they are all playing and aggravating each other so I believe the medicine is working. Lots of sniffles, chasing faces to wipe noses, Lysol spraying and wiping going on in our home. If only we could get little prisspot breathing better we would all be happy.