Thursday, July 26, 2012

My mother, or lack thereof

My mother and I have always had a strained relationship. She's not exactly an easy person to deal with. Plus she is bi-polar. She is in counseling and being medicated but still swings with her moods bad. Their is a lot in our past that really shouldn't have happened, but I have accepted and forgiven her for. I have not forgotten though, never will. We did not speak much at all for a long time. When I had my oldest child I reached out to her and have tried to maintain a relationship with her so my kids would have a grandparent. It has not been easy. We had a major falling out the day before Mother's Day.  My husband popped my oldest child's leg with his hand. My child called her grandmother. My mother then proceeds to call my husband and threatens him. Threatens to come to our house and having to be taken away by police. She then calls me at work, screaming at me. She said I was an unfit mother and threatened to report me to DFACS for allowing some man to hit my child. Now, if she were just a concerned grandma I could have reasoned with her. When she watched my kids I had to leave work because she hit my oldest with a switch on the arm that not only broke the skin, but left a scar. The school did send out a counselor to investigate and it was a big deal. I was physically abused as was my brother. I really thought she was a different person now. I was mistaken. When she threatened to report me, as I was hanging up the phone, I said f-you. I shouldn't have said it but I was really upset and had no idea she heard me say it. About a week after our argument I called her to talk things out. It did not help. She informed me that she heard what I had said, which I told her wasn't meant for her to hear. She then said how she'd like to hit me in the face because of it. She ranted for a good twenty minutes then refused to come to my oldest child's graduation. During the next week she would not answer my daughter's calls. Sometime in the middle of June she started texting my daughter, blaming me for them not seeing each other. It didn't matter what my child said to her she had a way it was my fault. This got my girl really upset and she came and showed me her phone. I then texted my mother and asked her to please stop texting my child as she was getting really upset. Her response was "don't worry you'll never hear from me again, you bitch. U r screwed in the head, KMA (kiss my ass) u bitch, u will answer, pat urself on the back bitch, pay back is hell bitch u will answer. I didn't raise u to be a self centered bitch, bitch, I don't know u. I wasn't the whore and dope head u were bitch" I quite responding to her. Did I mention that not only was she a pot head while I was growing up, but I walked in on her having sex with my 16 yr. old boyfriend? She also slept with a couple of my class mates and two of my best friends boy friends. I've tried not to think about it. My husband was really hoping she'd come around to see Bree be born. I doubted it. Now I know she won't. My aunt called me a couple of days ago. She said she tried talking to my mother. She said that my mother bragged about "going off" on me and then said that I will have to call her and beg her for forgiveness. Me. Even after I have already called and tried to talk things out. When my aunt brought up her not seeing or speaking to her grand kids my moms response was "well when Talise turns 16 she'll come see me." That's five years away. This shouldn't bother me. I moved out at 16 because of her. She did not attend my high school graduation. She did not attend my first wedding. She was not there when I had my first child. She did not attend my college graduation. I had to give her gas money when ever she did come down to see the kids.  I should be numb to all this now. I'm not. It sucks. When I started having contractions and was being monitored I wanted to call her. When the doctor told me he was concerned about my baby's heart beat, I wanted to call her (Bree is fine thank God!). I call my mother in law, she is wonderful. I call my father, he listens and tries to give advice. I call my aunt. It's just not the same.  I will be fine, I know. It is her loss. She is missing so much. I just hurt for my kids because they deserve better. You know what though, even Mylie said that Nanny Pam ( my mother in law) is much nicer than granny. At least they have that. I'm just sad, emotional.

Friday, July 20, 2012

Bronson likes dolls

There. I said it. He loves them. He hugs them and kisses them and brings them to me to dole out love to. Lalaloopsy seems to be his favorite. That was, until Mylie got a Cinderella Barbie doll as a gift from a friend. The poor girl hasn't got to play with it if he is awake. Today he screamed for 15 minutes straight because I wouldn't let him bring the doll into WalMart with us. I ended up breaking down and buying Mylie another Barbie. Bronson wanted five more. He picked them all out and was quite content until I told him he had to pick one. That's it. He lost it. Again. Over a Barbie. Tonight he took his new doll and Cinderella to bed with him for safe keeping. I am completely OK with his love of dolls. He also loves cars, trucks, and balls of all sizes. He probably has at least twenty balls in his room. I feel that he is still a baby. My husband feels a bit differently. He does not make a big deal about it, but isn't thrilled about seeing his son toting around his favorite blanket (mostly blue with pink plaid) and now three Barbies. Yes, as soon as Mylie put her new doll down Bronson took it over. My husband's parents have both made comments about him carrying around a doll. I'm not sure if they know about the Barbie's yet or not. When something has been said I've responded that I feel that learning to be gentle and loving to babies will teach him to be a nurturing father. I know what people are getting at. So many are so quick to judge and think I am "making" my son gay by allowing him to play with what ever he chooses. I think it is their own insecurity. I don't feel any one would choose to be prejudiced against, so if he is gay, he is. I don't care. I love my sweet, handsome boy. I will love him no matter what. I will not tell him that while his soon to be three sister's play with dolls, he can't. It's no fair. Especially since no one minds if girls play with cars, GI Joe, or anything else considered masculine.

Thursday, July 5, 2012

Independence Day!

On our way home from vacation we stopped and bought fireworks. Growing up we had large family get togethers, cooked out, swam and watched fireworks on the fourth. I really want that for my kids too, so Bryan bought two bags of fireworks. We all went over to his granny's house. The men sat around the grill. The dogs ran and played. The ladies talked and looked after the little ones, who were busy running and squealing in the yard. They children played with sparklers and snappers while my oldest child launched fire crackers and Roman Candles. After we all ate a delicious meal and the kids had several trips to the desert table it was finally dark enough to launch the good stuff. We were clueless when we were buying them. We got some that were beautiful. Some that were just loud. Some that were duds. Mylie was scared of the fire and noise. They all smelled like sulfur, but the kids seemed to really have fun. I enjoyed hanging out and watching them play. Bronson played himself silly, chasing after his older cousins, trying to be big like them. Mylie LOVES playing with her cousin and he behaved like a little gentleman. Bryan's aunt has a large dog. Mylie is frightened of dogs and her cousin kept shooing the dog away from her. It was sweet. Their were a few small blips in the day, but overall I think their were many fond memories made. That alone pleases me so! Having my kids have lots of traditions, a good sense of family importance, loads of positive memories and tons of love is my goal as a parent. Days like yesterday make me feel successful as a mom. It was a wonderful day!

Monday, July 2, 2012

Hell I tell ya

At this moment my stomach is hard as a rock. I keep having contractions. I'm starting to think they are stress related. Bryan and I tried to put a ceiling fan up in the girls room. We decided to just have his friend do it. It just did not work out. The mounting bracket wouldn't support the fan. So we hooked the light back up. The girls room is enough to make a preacher cuss. We started picking it up, vacuuming, Bryan moved the girls furniture. It was beyond disgusting. I am not a dirty person. I have NO idea why or how my girls ended up so filthy. There was garbage everywhere. Well, not anymore. Although I think we are both pretty upset by it.  I find it unsettling that I work hard to give my children what ever they want. I do my best to be sure they are not with out and it is obviously not appreciated.  I will now work hard at not buying them things through out the year, besides school supplies, clothes and such. On top of the disaster room, Mylie keeps holding in her stool until she starts seeping poo. She has shat herself several times today and has a wicked rash because of it. The rash only exacerbates the problem. So as we are trying to clean, Mylie is crying because she has to clean herself up for upteenth time and Bronson keeps coming in the room climbing on things. It was tons of fun. I know, really these things are just annoyances, not problems really. When you are seven months pregnant, hot and having nearly constant Braxton Hicks contractions they can make you come unglued. I've had to fight back tears and deep breathe several times. Bryan and I have both been quite snippy with each other. We've got it all done, come up with some new rules and are happy that it is bed time! The babies are quite now, and thankfully we don't stay upset about these things for long. We are both pretty understanding during crazy times, at least with each other. It was hellish for a minute though.