Saturday, October 30, 2010
My sleep has been less than peaceful lately. Due to stress I grind my teeth and clench my jaw. Sometimes I wake myself from the sound of my teeth grinding. Often times I wake with a very sore face and killer headache. Usually if I dream I don't remember them. Last night is a different story. I remember. It was dreadful. Where I live there is a huge lack of shopping centers. A huge lack of everything really, well, besides farms. In my horrid dream I had found a new mall, it was the neatest thing ever. Not far from home either.I was stumped as to how I hadn't found it sooner. It had a special play place for kids, that also served food. We went in. Bronson could walk, and I had my brothers girls with me also. We sat down to eat and a group of guys came up and one started flirting with me. I was trying to brush him off and Talise was bugging me to go play. I told her to stay close and watch out for her siblings. While I was distracted they took off. I finally ditched the guy and looked up and couldn't find my babies. Talise and my oldest niece were playing, but the younger ones were no where to be found. I started calling out for them. They were nowhere. I recruited help from the older two. Talise was defiant and refused to help,just walking away. Katarina, my niece , found her sister. I never found them. I woke up with my heart racing and my usual headache. It was the worst feeling ever. I pray that never happens. I wouldn't ever let them play without me any way. Still I felt so much panic and sorrow. Not a good way to start the day.
Friday, October 29, 2010
I have been out of sorts lately. Fernando is trying very hard to be nice. Going out of his way to say nice things and be helpful as he can be. Wanting to see the kids, commenting on how cute Bronson is. He acts excited to talk to me. It hurts. It saddens me so. It's too late. That sucks. I cried the other day. He gets all sorts of help. It's just him. I have three kids. No one is helping us. That hurts. Everyone knows that I am responsible so no one offers. Talise was supposed to go shopping with her aunt which would have been a tremendous help as she has NO winter clothes. Fernando showed up that day so she didn't get to go. She still has no winter clothes. I cannot buy my kids winter clothes AND Christmas. I know things will work out, they always do. I'm just upset about it now. I have no family or close friends near by. My mom is sick and needs to rest. I called my boss to see about being off this weekend. He explained to me that I need to have a backup baby sitter. A back up for 2 16 hour shifts. ALL WEEKEND! What friends I do have, have families. I have my mom, that's it. He explained that other employees have kids and make other arrangements. I have no other arrangements TO make. It sucks! I will NOT just dump my precious babes on whoever. I ended up calling my mom crying so she would still come and just wear a mask. Later that evening my boss called back and offered me Saturday off. I accepted and thanked him.I hate to be a burden. I explained my situation to him. He has no kids, he doesn't seem to understand. Plus, he has parents alive and siblings. I have one brother that lives several states away. Maybe it's just hormones, or a pity party, but I really dislike feeling this way.
Monday, October 25, 2010
Thursday, October 21, 2010
I mentioned to a cashier earlier today while out with my smallest two, that shopping is easier with my oldest in tow. She is a huge help. Well. Not so much the case tonight. We were in the only shopping Mart in Roanoke. I was holding a very sweet, cuddly, sleepy Bronson while Talise pushed the cart with Mylie riding in the back. We got a walker for my sweet fella and put it under the cart. Mylie kept standing up which blocked Talise's view so Talise was being a little jerky in her steering. I walked in front of the cart to prevent any bystanders from being plowed down. I currently suffer from very sore heels. As we are making our way to the front The stinking walker keeps getting knocked to the side, or knocks things off of shelves. Talise is doing her best to manage the walker and cart. Then I hear screaming. The loud, shrill, scared scream. I turn in time to see Mylie's feet almost in the air. She is heading face first to the ground. The items she was holding went flying out of her hands out in front of her. Thank goodness her foot caught on the front of the cart and that stinking walker was sticking out of the front which softened the blow. She was able to catch her fall. She did not hit her head. She has a pretty decent bruise/scrape on her foot that was immediately purple and swollen. She was terrified. She was clinging to me, almost crawling up me. I had to hand Bronson off to Talise and hold Mylie. She cried and cried. Once I finally calmed her a bit we checked out and got home. She talked of her fall the entire drive home. We had to call her daddy and her granny so she could tell them about her boo boo. I am so grateful she is fine. The scene keeps replaying in my head though. Feeling helpless. Seeing my baby and not being able to reach out to stop her. My arms were full. I could see but not prevent. That sucked.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Mylie was a boobie baby. Really she was more like a boobie Nazi. She would demand o nurse and completely flip out if told no. She nursed for 25 1/2 months. I had to break her of it cold turkey. I am all for nursing, but I was in my third trimester with Bronson and was quite tired of having her on me ALL THE TIME! She then became attached to her bottle. I thought nothing of it because she drinks just fine from a cup be it sippy or not. She has been extremely jealous since Bronson joined our family so if a bottle pleased her then I'd allow it. She has since become a bottle beast. She prefers a certain one and gets very insistent about when she wants it. I decided last night that enough was enough and no more bottles. She is, after all, 2 1/2 years old. She was less than pleased to be nice about what went down. To be honest, I was waiting for her head to spin. I was seriously concerned. She raged on for about thirty minutes, then slowly started to wind down as she was exhausted. She'd get a few minutes in of rest and release the beast again. I was strong though. I braved it out and eventually she passed out. I suffered slight injuries trying to block head butts and such though. It was fine though, I had won. Or so I thought...
Monday, October 18, 2010
This weekend was so incredibly busy. I take that back. Saturday was great. Sunday was O.M.Goodness! Their are no other words for it. It is really nice that I enjoy the people I work with, otherwise I may have cried. Sitting here, outside, listening to my girls play, hearing the cat purr, watching Bronson as he lays on a blanket staring as the clouds float by makes it all worth it. This is wonderful. Times like now make up for any craziness life tosses at me. The air outside is so fresh. Pumpkins sit on our front steps and the ground is scattered lightly with leaves. This is the only time of year that I enjoy being outside. Bronson kicks his chubby little feet in delight while blowing raspberries in the cool breeze. It is lovely. Peaceful. Times like these is what I hope they remember as they grow.
Friday, October 15, 2010
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
I had a meeting at work today. I had to bring the babes with me. Bronson got a little fussy, but my co-workers seemed happy to try to calm him. Mylie sat with Talise in the waiting room. She did great. After the meeting my boss wanted to speak to me. No big deal. It is something she does. She mentioned that she's heard about how I am doing, even though not from me. I found it a bit amusing. It's not a secret or anything. I'm not offended or upset. I'm blah. Just blah.
Monday, October 11, 2010
Fernando came to my place of employment yesterday. He needed the key to the storage unit. He had a haircut and was clean shaven. He smelled nice. He was very nice and kept wanting to touch me. I wouldn't let him. We talked. Then as I walked back to my department I had to fight back tears. I had to keep reminding myself of the horrible stuff. He has been in my life for so long, it hurt. It hurts that we weren't enough to make him happy. It hurts that he didn't love us enough to take care of us. It hurts that he put himself before us. We sacrificed so much for him. Even with all the bad, he was enough. Why weren't we?
Friday, October 8, 2010
Fernando has moved yet again. He emailed me asking to speak to the girls. He promised to be positive and encouraging so I agreed. They were both really happy to hear from him. He asked to see them again. We'll see. I don't see how it will be possible seeing as how I work this weekend and he leaves for work on Sunday. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, he got his job at ABCO back. Talk about a blessing. I cannot believe they hired him back after what he did. I am grateful that they did though. Hopefully he keeps it this time. I'm not getting my hopes up though. It would be real nice to actually get child support. I could get the girls some winter clothes and they'd all have a much better Christmas. I pray that things work out for him. I really want him to get stable so our kids can spend time with him. My father in law emailed me asking me to talk to Fernando and try to work things out. Fernando told his family that I kicked him out and that he missed his flight. Not that he purposely chose not to board the plane. Not that he called and told me he made other living arrangements. He's the victim at all times. It must be tough to view all situations as happening to you rather than having the ability to make things happen. I explained to my father in law that although I appreciate his concern that we absolutely will not be working things out. We are divorcing. I am free. I am finally truly happy after such a long time. I deserve it. My babes deserve a nice, happy mom. It's been a long time coming.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
There is a seven and a half years age difference between Talise and Mylie. When I had Mylie Talise was still in school. It was nice. I'd sleep on the sofa with Myliebel and when it was time for Talise to get up for school I was ready. I'd help her get dressed and feed her breakfast and Mylie would hang out in her bouncy seat. Once Talise got on the school bus Mylie would nurse and we'd fall back to sleep for a couple of hours. We'd get back up, get bathed, eat, play for a bit and nap again. Keys word is we. I was well rested, even with a newborn. That is one of the only things about having two close together that is tough. Bronson sleeps well. Mylie will now fight a nap. Usually at nap time I get Bronson down and then start the sleep fight with Mylie. By the time I get her asleep and I start dozing off Bronson will wake up. I'll feed and change him and we snuggle a bit then he is back to sleep. I will get super warm and cozy , slowly drifting off, then bam! Mylie is up. All of this sleep teasing is taking it's toll on me. I was so tired this morning that I forgot all about Mommy & Me. I look forward to it all week, and I forgot because I was fighting to stay awake. I think with it being chilly out and being so cozy under an afghan makes it even harder to fight. I love this weather though. I love my babies too. They are more than worth the lack of zzz's!