Tuesday, February 27, 2007

I am so fatigued!

I am praying that it's a pregnancy symptom, although it's probably not. We seem to have done everything right this month though. I am anxious about Friday, it's blood work day. I really want to see that I did ovulate. I got a positive on the OPK on Saturday, so I think I did. But I got a positive before and the blood work said nope. My husband has been extremely loving to me lately, I'm loving it! He's been a real trooper. Gosh I want this to be our month! My breasts are tender, not everywhere though, only in spots. Two weeks to wait and see. I'm keeping my fingers crossed!

Monday, February 26, 2007

Atleast I'm not the only one!

I just found out today that Children's fired another person! They have been firing people left and right. The job market is really tough right now too. It is starting to really worry me. I have been so grumpy today. I mean it is only 9:00 a.m. and I've already made Talise cry (she didn't want to brush her hair) and pissed off my husband. Stephanie called already, she usually calls first thing in the morning for some reason. Maybe I'll call her back and we can go shopping or something. I've got to go to the bank anyway, and Talise really needs some new clothes. Hopefully today will start to look up.

Friday, February 23, 2007

Last night

Was great. My husband is such a trooper. My daughter has started to cuddle with me at night on the sofa while I watch t.v. It's nice.

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Well, Today started out ok, but...

I just really lost my temper. My little girl says that the dog freed himself from the tie out we have for him. She then puts him in our flower bed in the front yard. I got so mad! I am barely strong enough to screw it back in the ground. Well she proceeds to run crazy around the outside of the house screaming like a banshee. That made me angry and embarrassed me. When I come in the house she has ran into her room and locked the door. She wouldn't open it. I had to go find a key to open it. I spanked her. I feel bad now, but she gets away with murder. She is so disrespectful to us both. I slept well last night though, I woke up sleepy and haven't recovered from it yet. I need to go get dressed for church. I'm not really in the mood, but I feel that when your not in the mood to go is when you need to go the most. I still have to clean the bathrooms and mop the floors and vacuum. Hopefully I won't be too tired for tonight!

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

I'm a happy girl!

I had my ultrasound today and they tech told me that I had two good follicles. Both on my left ovary, one measures 18 the other measures almost 20. I am excited. I called Fernando and told him that means we are so going to be having sex every night for the next five days. He sounded less than thrilled. I kinda feel bad for him because he works so hard, and he works long hours, and he really just wants to eat, shower and go to sleep. Oh well, he'll live.

Monday, February 19, 2007

I am sleepy

I slept until 11:30 a.m., and still I am fatigued. We went to the evening service last night at church. It was good. We are going to be baptised. I feel really good about it. Fernando is doing a lot better with the whole baby making thing. I am excited about my ultrasound tomorrow. I really hope I get good news. I really want a baby. My friend Tiffany recently found out she is pregnant and she didn't tell me! I find that incredibly sweet and caring, but I do not want to be viewed as that woman! You know, the one that is so focused on her own issues that she sucks the joy out of others good fortune. I bought her a card to explain that I am happy for her. I had to explain to Fernando about the opk's. He thought the were pregnancy tests! I told him how they works and explained that once I get a positive we will need to do the deed everyday for three days, even if we did have sex the night before. He took it in stride, but I know he hates the sex on demand thing. I agree, it is a buzz kill, but I do enjoy the closeness. A total change of subject, I bought the new bissel healthy home vacuum, I love it! It is amazing! I have been a vacuuming fool! It's got killer suction and is easy to clean.

Saturday, February 17, 2007

I am such an ASS!

Yesterday I missed my husband so much. I couldn't wait for him to get home. Well, then I lost my mind. I took a shower and shaved and used vanilla jasmine scented shower gel, because he likes it. Then I told him in Portuguese that I wanted to make love to him. Well, all is good, at least so I think. Talise decides that she doesn't want to go to bed in her room. I told Fernando that technically he should put me first because I am his wife. Well, he didn't. I got mad at Talise because she wouldn't stop screaming and crying, which kept Fernando up in her room. I knew he was going to get sleepy and just forget about me. I expressed this to him and he got angry, understandably so. I was acting like an ass. I know I was, I am disappointed in my self. I feel like I am second, and that my feelings don't matter to him. I do not want every night to be an argument with him to get him to make love to me. I want our child conceived out of love, not anger. Afterwards ( I did manage to get my way), he told me to please don't announce what I have planned for the evening because it makes it feel like a demand which causes him to resist. I understand that perfectly. He also asked me to please try to not cry so much. I feel bad for him, but I also feel like he couldn't possibly want this child as much as I do or else he wouldn't say things like that. He doesn't feel that this should be so hard, well I don't either, but it is! Oh, and I spoke to my doctors nurse yesterday, she gave me a really hard time about the opks, so I am going to go buy some. Also, I have to go in for an ultrasound on Tuesday at 2:00, to see if I have mature follicles and to see if I am about to ovulate. We'll see.

Friday, February 16, 2007


So far today I have bawled like a big baby over t.v.! I have tivo, so I recorded my shows last night. Fernando totally made up to me. He said all day he worried that when he came home that I wouldn't speak to him and he'd have to face another night without me. He apologized for not coming to me when he heard me crying. When we went to bed he kissed me. Not just a peckgoodnight, but a real kiss. The kind of kiss I long for, the kind that made me fall in love with him the first time. The kiss that erases all things ugly. I needed that kiss, I am thankful for it. I am undeserving of it, and yet it was mine all the same. So this morning with that on my mind, started out great. Then I watched Grey's Anatomy. I cried and cried. It was so emotional. Now I have to go get dressed to go to luch with Stephanie and Tiffany, if she doesn't find a way out of it. We'll see. Oh I wasn't able to temp this morning because the stupid cat got locked up in our bedroom and was scratching at the door to get out. I had to get out of bed to keep from screaming! But I have had an unusual amount of ewcm.

Thursday, February 15, 2007

I am so extremely let down!

I was right about my husband yesterday. I went to church, and afterwards I stopped got got him something to eat and some meds for his back. I came in the house and he had cooked dinner, which he knows I DO NOT find romantic in any way. He doesn't even cook food that I like. He did that for himself. He didn't eat what I went out and bought him, he didn't even look in the bag of goods I had gotten him. I took a shower and got all dolled up in something sexy. He walked past me like I was not there. I was so hurt. Finally after he went to bed I came in there and asked him how could he treat me this way? I specifically told him several free things that he could've done to show me that I am important to him. He said that I bitch so much that he tunes me out. He said he didn't hear me! I told him that I was extremely let down and disappointed in him. I left the room and started bawling. My daughter came out of her room to see what was the matter. She was upset that I was upset. She wanted to fix it so badly. I felt awful. I pulled myself together and told her to just go to bed that everything was fine. I haven't heard anything from him yet today. I thought maybe he would try to make it up to me, but so far nothing. I have a headache, I've had it for three days, I think it's the Clomid. My breasts are still tender and now I am crampy and my lower back aches. I pray that this cycle is ours! I pray that I find a decent job close to home soon. One where I enjoy my coworkers as much as I did my last job. I miss it there. I do not miss trying to find a sitter every week for Friday evenings. I really hope I find an overnight or day shift position. I really want to work in CT, but so far I haven't had the opportunity. I will continue to pray.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Valentines Day

Well, it is 11:07 a.m. and so far no word from my husband. Last night he said he wasn't much of a gift giver and previously he said that he doesn't buy cards. I have lived without birthday, mothers day, or valentines day presents for 9 years now. I am fed up! He knows what I am going through. He claims that he has no money, which technically is true right now, but I told him that he doesn't have to buy me something. Just doing something that shows me that you care. He could write me a love letter, or draw me a picture (he's very talented). When we were dating he made me a J out of dirt and he painted it. Somehow it has stayed in one piece. I still have it in a ring box in my jewelry armoire. That meant so much to me. I am a simple girl, I don't require a lot of stuff. Appreciation would be nice though. I am on my second day of Clomid. I received my preseed in the mail today. I am anxious to get this show on the road! Well, I am officially pissed off! Fernando has called me three times and hasn't once mentioned valentines day! I called him to ask what time he is getting off of work, and he wanted to know what for! Most people would think thier spouse is just messing with them, I think mine is selfish and clueless! I feel like crying!

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Here we go again!

I am starting my second cycle of Clomid today. I took it this morning and my breasts are already tender. When my cycle started last Friday I nearly lost it. I do not understand why it is so difficult for me to concieve. I've already had one child, I thought that was supposed to make it easier - WRONG! I am so nervous. I've got this cycle and next month and then it's on to more testing and IUI. I really don't want it to come to that. I can't even look at my daughter's baby book without crying. Last month this medicine made me nuts. My face broke out, I was outta control, I had headaches and was very achy. My cycle was shortened though. It was 40 days before and while on Clomid it went down to 29. My cycle has been pretty uneventful too. It's already almost over and I have barely had any cramping. That is highly unusual, I usually have an awful time. I am obsessed with baby names, right now I really like Annaleigh, Neela, and Romilly for a girl and Grant, Gage, and Kingston for a boy. My husband only likes Annaleigh and Grant. I'm sure by the time I get pregnant and the baby gets here we'll have something completely different. I decided not to do the opk's this cycle. It just made me crazy last cycle and I ended up taking them too early in the day so it was a waste of money anyways. We discussed this last night and agreed that we will just have sex more than last month. Probably from cd10-20 or until my temp goes up for a few days. I guess that's it for today.