Tuesday, November 30, 2010

This face

This face

This beautiful, cereal covered face

This beautiful, cereal covered, big blue eyed face

Seriously warms my heart.

Monday, November 29, 2010


 Thanksgiving was nice. I cooked a super juicy, tender bird. YUM! Everything else was good too. Well, not everything. We are HUGE dessert fans, and ours sucked, big time. It was a new recipe. Carrot cake, one of my favorites and perfect for Thanksgiving. It called for grated carrots (duh), raisins, pineapple, walnuts, and coconut. That all sounded yummy to me, but the actual cake part worried me a bit, and rightfully so. It called for a butter cake mix, oil, AND pudding. I always add pudding to my cakes, but not pudding and oil. I baked. It smelled heavenly. I let it cool, iced it and covered it the day before. When we were finished eating and ready for cake I noticed a little pool of oil surrounding thee cake. Hmm, that's not supposed to be there. I tasted a bit from the top of the cake. Gag! Not good! At all. What a waste of ingredients. We were all disappointed. Oh well. Bronson enjoyed the holiday. He smacked down mashed potatoes, pumpkin casserole and then gummed on speckled Lima beans. I have one of these:

that I put them in so he only got the juice and flavor. I had to work that night  which bummed me a bit, but it wasn't too bad. My wonderful coworker helped me to score the steam mop I wanted online when the sales started. That pleased me and then when I got home in the morning my mom let me sleep! Fernando never did that. He'd let the girls be loud and come in my room to bug me or jump on the bed. I digress, If you keep up with my blog then you've read about my Christmas stress. I never explained why. I always pay cash for Christmas, so I panic about it. I am on a limited income though so it is very important to not charge anything that is not a dire emergency. I start buying Christmas early so I can get everything in time and it is entirely paid for. So, when Fernando finally gave me child support and I was able to buy most of their Christmas it was SUCH a relief. I say most because I THOUGHT I was finished. I WAS finished until this  past weekend. All the deals broke me! I was bad. I used bill money (I was going to pay something off) to buy more! I scored a swing set (not wooden, but it will do) for $99! I got Mylie a doll, which she didn't have. She adores dolls so when I realized I didn't get her one I felt bad. I was able to buy my mom jewelry. That is something I have always wanted to do but couldn't ever afford to. I got Bronson some super cute superman fleece pajamas, he is,  after all, my superman! Fernando was supposed to buy the kids a bike. He hasn't. They have them on sale and it is taking everything in me to not buy them. I want them to have bikes, but they specifically asked their dad for them. I am trying to be strong. I kept buying stuff because I wanted everything to be even. Then this morning it hit me.Rather than going broke evening everything out why not return some things to even it out. They won't know. Really, they don't NEED any of it. So that's what I am doing. They've got everything on their list and then some. Oh, and don't worry, I will still be able to pay off the bill, just not today. It will have to wait until Thursday. I am SO excited about Christmas this year!

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Pain in the...

I am itching like a million mosquito's partook in a feast all over me. Why, you ask? Well from the Tylenol with Codeine. What's that for? My headaches. I have been having cervicogenic headaches from stress. My primary care doctor tried Tramadol, Dolgic Plus, Midrin, and Robaxin to help. None did. So he sent me to a neurologist. After a full neurology work up he increased my Zoloft (to help me to relax) and prescribed Xanaflex and told me to avoid caffeine. He also gave me a referral to physical therapy so I can get set up at home for traction. The increased dose of Zoloft seems to help a bit.  It takes a while longer for me to loose it. The Xanaflex makes me comatose within 10 minutes. I guess that works. Can't feel your head throb when you're drooling on your pillow. When I am awake, totally different. My head pounds. The worse it hurts, the less patience have, the more tense I get, the worse it hurts. It's a vicious circle. I called my neuro guy to see if there was anything else I  take to help. He's out of the office so his nurse told me to increase my dose of the Xanaflex, you know, the one that knocks me out. I told her the effect it has on me and her reply was "He SAID to take it at bedtime" with a tone that screamed you idiot! I asked what about the pain during the day. She just repeated that the doctor is out of town. I asked if it would be unethical for me to call my primary doctor for a Rx. Nope, no problem! Great, now we may be getting somewhere. So  I call. The receptionist says based on my symptoms that I need to be seen. I told her I just had a full neuro work up less than a week ago and I work in Radiology, I don't have a tumor and am NOT getting a CT. She put me on hold and transferred me to a nurse. The nurse asked me about the other meds primary dr. prescribed. They contain caffeine. So he called in the Tylenol with codeine. I guess I'd rather itch than pound. Blech.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010


This Thanksgiving will be Bronson's first one ever. It will be the first one the girls celebrate with out Fernando. It will be the first one I work on. I bought the goods to cook yesterday. Our menu consists of turkey breast, mashed baby reds, speckled butter beans, pumpkin casserole, rolls and for dessert : carrot cake. Not a big menu. I know. My family has really dwindled over the years. Growing up, we had huge family dinners. Grandmother's on both sides of the family, 2 aunts, 2 uncles, their families and sometimes friends all came to our house to celebrate. It was total chaos, I LOVED it! We had so much food. Always a turkey and a ham, my grandmothers dressing, gravy and burnt (nearly every year) green beans. There were at least 8 side items and 5-6 desserts to choose from. We ate around 1 p.m. but got together around 11 a.m. and hung out until 6 or so. All the ladies sat around talking and telling stories while the guys watched the games. I loved it. Then my uncle and his wife moved to Texas. After that my other uncle's wife passed away rather quickly from Cancer. A few years later my grandmother died. Then my other uncle moved to South Carolina. Last year, my favorite aunt died.Now it's just me, my babes, and my mom. I still cherish it. I'm helping make memories for my children. I just hate that our gatherings are so small. No cousins for them to run around and play with. Just us. We'll still eat until we're stuffed. We'll still be thankful, after all, we have each other.

It lead to you

As I was sitting on my sofa holding my sweet, sweet boy I had an epiphany. All of this, everything I've been through, my entire life thus far brought me to him. I've always known that God has a plan for my life, but knowing and feeling it is quite different. It just washed over me, a deep appreciation. Any hardship, festivity, or regular day I've lived led me here. Holding this amazing boy. A boy I so foolishly thought I couldn't love. A boy whose deeply dimpled smile makes waking at 5 a.m. completely bearable. His laughter warms my heart. His happiness creates my happiness. I could snuggle with him forever. His musical coos wash away my worries. I love him. More than love. I have no words for it. I'm amazed that my heart can hold it all in.

Monday, November 22, 2010


hate–verb (used with object) 1. to dislike intensely or passionately; feel extreme aversion for or extreme hostility toward; detest

I was raised NOT to hate. I raise my children the same way. Hate is such an extreme word not to be used lightly. I guess I am a contradiction though because as hard as I try I cannot come up with another term for how I feel. My mother's live-in (nicest term) is a mean spirited, horrible man. He's jealous of me and my brother, always has been. I cannot wrap my brain around that one. He harasses her every week about her coming down to watch my children while I work. He cusses her and calls her names, especially when she's on the phone. The ENTIRE time she is here he calls and gives her hell. I'll call home to check on my sweet babes and she'll sound terrible. Usually she'll end up crying. She doesn't get a moments peace. He refuses to buy her soda's or meats. Today I had to give her a bag of sugar because he refused to buy more. He makes her turn in receipts if he does pay for something, but he acts all psycho before he gives in and buys it. Even her medications.  I could go on all day. It sickens me. My eye is starting to twitch just thinking about it. He HAD cancer, about 15 years ago. He got it while he was serving time for beating and choking her in front of my grandmother. Why my mom waited on him to get out is beyond me. I digress, she took excellent care of him. She waited on him hand and foot. She worked, paid for everything, cleaned, cooked, ran him all over to his appointments. He was no easy patient. His nurses often disliked him. He' d cuss them and be mean. My mom always intervened and stood by his side. That was quite nauseating. Honestly, I prayed for Cancer to take him. I felt/feel he deserved to suffer and slowly die. He's a debt to society. He's blackness and evil. Instead, Cancer reared it's ugly head and took a dear, sweet, wonderful aunt of mine. Irony? He survived and thrived, it's hard to take out evil. He still often gets sick, and due to the location of the Cancer, lost all his teeth. Now he is much, much thinner so he no longer hits my mother. Good thing too, now that I am an adult I would call the cops. Actually, I have once before. Now he uses power ($$) and words to abuse and cause misery. I've done everything in my power to get her to leave. Now that Fernando is gone (they didn't see eye to eye) I've asked her to move in. Nope! The kids would get on her nerves too much ~ understandable. They are small, noisy, argumentative, and non stop wigglers. I've put her on the waiting list for income based apartments since she can no longer work.  Meanwhile, while I wait I can't help but hate. I fantasize about telling him I feel about him. I don't because I was raised not to be disrespectful to my elders. So I am polite. It takes all I have in me to do so, but I am. It would be so satisfying to tell him I hate him. I pray for Cancer to come back and slowly make him suffer. When my mom called to tell me that he was in the E.R. possibly having a heart attack that I smiled. I want him out of her life, he doesn't deserve her. I won't ever get to say those words. I love my mother. She would never hear the end of it. Until she gets out I wait with baited breath, longing to release all the hate I have built up over the years. Does that make me just as evil? Is my hate justified?  My hate is so powerful and big. I pray about it. Yet I also pray for him to leave this world. I don't like feeling this way, nor am I proud of it. Hate for him consumes me. Toxic. Always there. Bitter like bile. I swallow it up for my mother. I love her.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Money, money, money

Funny thing about divorce, money becomes a big issue. Ever since he left and found out I hired an attorney he has questioned me about child support. How much? When is it going to start? Who is going to claim the kids on taxes? My questions to him...When are you going to help me out with your children? He feels like all I talk about is money.I feel the same towards him. I just freak out about Christmas. I have to be Santa and buy them things from me, which I am used to. He was unemployed for two years. It's just not fair that now I have to do it for three while he buys them one gift a piece and is SUPER DAD!!!! Plus, what he said he was going to get them (bikes) he is now saying he may not be able to get. How not? For the one's they are asking for we are talking about $140.00 tops. Meanwhile Santa is supposed to bring the new Nintendo DSI plus games and that Fisher-Price computer plus games. Those are just the big ticket items. They get 5 toys  piece from Santa, plus 1 from me and one from each other. Our family tradition is to buy each child an ornament each year, I've still got to do that. I CAN do all these things.  I WILL do them. It's just the point.  He acts like he's doing  me a favor. RAISE your kids! HELP! It's your responsibility!

Monday, November 15, 2010


Before I had my precious babes I loved pets. Dogs were my favorite, but I liked cats too. I've owned several dogs. Some of which were like children to me. That was BEFORE. Now, I couldn't care less about having a pet. Just one more mouth to feed, which to me means less funds to spend on my sweet babies. Talise, on the other hand, feels entirely different. That girl is like Snow White. Animals love her and she LOVES them. She is very protective of all animals and is gentle with them. Even wild animals will come up to her which displeases me. She has brought in lizards from outside to take care of in her room (with out my knowledge). She has had birds, fish, dogs, cats and hamsters. She's done pretty good at taking care of them, especially given her age. This weekend a rooster came up in the yard. She wants to keep it. He'll traipse around her. She will NOT listen to me when I tell her they are mean. I am waiting for him to come running to peck her eyes out. Our cats, which are tremendous, are afraid of the rooster. I don't like roosters. I hope he goes back where he came from.

Friday, November 12, 2010


She loves her baby.

Ah, you probably thought I meant THIS baby:

She loves him too!

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Later he'll hate me for it

But his rolls and cellulite is too cute!

Don't you wish you could pull off rolls like that? I do!

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

FIVE months...FIVE! Seriously?

Where has the time gone? Bronson, at five months old you are a pure joy. You currently have your first cold and still you try to be happy. Although, you are NOT a fan of the bulb syringe, aka booger sucker. As soon as I bring out the saline drops you start getting riled up. You talk so much. You really want to be a part of what's going on. When you are fed up with what ever it is you are doing you give slight warning before you flip.  You absolutely love your Jumperoo! You have massive thighs to show for it. You can bounce for hours. When you do get upset you utilize those crazy strong thighs to push yourself backwards. You almost knocked yourself out of your Bumbo seat,if not for those thighs.  Thank goodness I had warned Granny about it earlier because she had you sitting on the sofa in it. You still wake happy everyday. It brightens my day. Your sisters adore you, although Mylie still gets quite jealous.   You've tried peas. You liked them. Also, Granny gave you ice cream. You could not eat it fast enough. I can take you anywhere. We went out for Hibachi and behaved like an angel. Other guests even commented on how well behaved you were. You are rolling to your sides but then you stop. You cannot get yourself all the way over. You have lots of tonnage to try to roll after all. You are a total fatty and it is beyond adorable. You are a huge fan of being tickled. You are ticklish just about every where and will toss your head back with laughter.You still have big bright blue eyes and amazing dimples. When Talise  sings I'm falling to Pieces to you you laugh. I'd like to know what is so funny about that, but to you it is. You are in 6-9 month clothes and size 3 diapers. We've had the hardest time finding a diaper that you cannot pee through. You have a little Houdini going on in your diaper. Right now we are on Fisher Price.  They are super cute! You have monkey's are your bum! You are very alert. You are my sweet boy. My wonderful, amazing, sweet boy. I could not love you more. Five months, already. Wow!

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Things I miss

There are few things that I miss about life before children. It would be beyond amazing to sleep when I want to until I wake up on my own. BEYOND! Going to the restroom without an audience would also be nice. To really hear a song on the radio without interruptions. To read a paragraph only once and completely comprehend it.  Watching movies, you can put in a dvd to watch, but with children in the room it is quite difficult to enjoy.  Showering alone.  The basics really. At the same time, tonight while I was showering with Bronson, seeing that fat little guy smiling at me makes it alright. Hearing my girls laugh at the dvd also warms my heart. Looking in the rear view mirror to see Mylie singing along makes me smile. Nothing really makes up for the potty business though. I mean, who really wants someone to watch them poop, besides sickos?

Monday, November 8, 2010


My babies are getting so big!  I realize that all parents whine about this, but it just STINKS! Emma, formerly known as Talise, talks of boys, her booblets, or make-up non stop. It is quite scary. She's 10! What is it going to be like at 15? I shudder to think. Mylie has lost her mind bottle, is potty training and asking to go to school. She was THE baby just 5 short months ago. Speaking of 5 months, that's how old Bronson, aka taters, will be on Wednesday. I know he's still closer to newborn than toddler but still. Five months gone by, already. Where did they go? He is still quite amazing. If I could put him in my pocket and carry him with me everywhere I go I would. I am more in love with him than I have been with any man. His granny brags much on his listening skills. He grins when he should and puts forth a good bit of effort to comment back to you. The girls drive me mad. They bicker and fight and try to boss  me around. Yet, when they hug each other or cuddle up on the love seat together I easily forget the craziness of the day. I'm sure eventually my sweet son will make me wanna bang my head on the table also. I still know I am blessed beyond measure. I'll take all the craziness and more as long as I can call these sweet, growing babes mine.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

What I Love

When any of my babes are feeling cuddly.

Holding Bronson until he falls asleep.

Listening to Mylie snore.

My mom.

The smell of freshly shampooed hair.

The crackle of burning wood.

The first bite of a dipped cone.

To be able to enjoy an entire cup of coffee while it's hot.

Making others smile.



Breathing in the ones I love.

Feeling pretty.


My children's laughter.

Monday, November 1, 2010

First visitation

Talise had been excited all week. Mylie was a little reluctant. I was SO worried that I had to fight back tears the whole way there. We met up at Ingles in the parking lot as I had to have him served also. That was close to my server. My server never showed( I later found out her phone was on the fritz) so I stopped a stranger! I explained the situation and he gladly signed my form and handed the papers to Fernando.  What a relief! I kept assuring Mylie that she was going to have so much fun. She didn't want to get in the car at first. Once she got in, she told me to get in the drivers seat. I explained that I had to go home with granny and Bronson because I had to work the next day. She said OK. I again told her that they were going to their aunt's house with their daddy.Their aunt has a puppy and a kitty and she could hold the and play with them. That pleased her some. Once I got her buckled in and got in my car to go I cried a bit. It's so hard. I felt totally helpless. No control. I am a control freak, so that made me completely anxious. I called once on the way home. I called again first thing Saturday morning. By Saturday evening Talise called me begging to stay another night. Her aunt was willing to go buy her an outfit for school and Fernando agreed to bring her to school on Monday morning so I said sure. Since Mylie's been home she's talked about her aunts dog "Porky" non stop and continuously asks to go to aunt Melia's (Amelia). Talise talked a mile a minute about her weekend. I couldn't even process much of what she said. They had fun. They needed that. From what I hear their aunt had fun too. I know their daddy was happy to spend time with them. It was difficult but so worth it. Once I heard their stories told with a smile and excitement I knew it was the right decision.