Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Drive me crazy! I love my job. I love the people I work with. I love that I am helping others in need. It gives me a sense of pride and satisfaction. Before my husband was working I came into work whenever I was needed outside of my normal shift. I'd work any shift they were short on. Then my husband started school. I wasn't a available, but I'd still help when I could. When my husband started actually working I let my supervisor know that I was no longer available during the week. I have no one to watch my babies. I believe a co-worker mentioned it to him also when he spoke to them about asking me to come in. Well guess what? When I went back to work my supervisor had scheduled me two days during the week. One of which he changed his mind about. As much as my supervisors hates hearing me say no I can't, I HATE having to say it. That is why I let them know that I have my kids to take care of. I don't have family close by and I am not the kind of parent to just dump my kids on anyone that will say OK. There is a reason I work a weekend shift! I don't enjoy not seeing my children all weekend. I don't enjoy missing taking them to egg hunts and birthday parties. I do it so I can be home with them during the week and can still work. Just because I can only work 32 hours in a weekend and there are still hours available before overtime doesn't mean that I can be called upon. GRRRR! One more vent, different subject, still thick! I have a person that my child is petrified of. I mean when I went into preterm labor with Bronson that person came to see me. Mylie was so afraid that she wouldn't even come in the room. My husband had to stay in the hall with Mylie. We were all upset. I wanted him there with me, not in the hall. The person obviously didn't get that because they stayed forever. Not caring that Mylie was freaking out. Not considering that I may need my husband's support. Well, that person just cannot understand why I wont allow them to spend the night at my house. I should just let Mylie deal with it. I think NOT! My other family members have been questioned about it also. As much as I hate to hurt feelings, my children come before anyone. So sorry! Not going to happen. EVER. Forget the idea. Some people!
Monday, August 30, 2010
My second day back at work was so much better. I woke up feeling 75% better. After my second dose of medicines that day I was back to myself. Just a tad sore. I had a busy but good day. It was so nice to get a break and I enjoyed being back with my co-workers. My babies did OK. Bronson was wonderful, Mylie acted quite nutty and Talise was her normal self. I came home bearing gifts which the girls loved. Fernando was happy for me to be home and my poor sweet momma couldn't leave soon enough this morning. Her nerves were shot! Mylie treated her dad almost as bad as she does with me. Hold me daddy, non stop. Fernando actually said he really appreciated my mom being here. That touched me because they do not get a long well at all. I'm glad she was too. Something about knowing your mom is near when you are unwell really comforts you. Or at least it does me. When I woke up Saturday and dragged myself into the kitchen and laid my head on her shoulder she completely went into mommy mode. It made me feel so much better. She immediately started looking for the thermometer then wanted to feed me or get some juice in me. She knows how I am about work so she knew I wouldn't call out. She told me to clock in, say hi and go straight to the E.R. I didn't, follow her advise. I waited until my body MADE me listen. I'm glad I went it Sunday though. I enjoyed it. It was really nice being welcomed back. Now, let's see how long this feeling lasts!
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Today was my first day back to work. I had been excited about going back until yesterday. I started showing signs of mastitis. Pain, red splotches, achy. I called my doctor so I could get antibiotics before I returned to work. My job requires a lot of pulling patients, helping them stand, helping them slide over. I did not need to feel like poo. Last night I started feeling progressively worse. My mom gave me a tylenol3 and I went to bed. I woke up burning up. My fever was 102.4. My husband felt my head and told me there was no way I could go to work. WRONG. No way would I call in on my first day back. Plus my antibiotics should be good and in my system by then. WRONG. I couldn't put on my make-up because I was so weak. I couldn't hot iron my hair because standing there to do it made me feel dizzy. I sat for a while before I left to see if I'd feel better. Nope! I just started getting nauseated. Still, I went in. I warned my co-workers that I felt like I had been hit by a truck, my head was pounding. I worked until around 1:00. I was in the operating room and I was trying to assist the doctor and as he's giving me instructions the room starts spinning. Everyone sounds really far away and I start to faint. A scrub tech got me to a chair and started pulling lead off me. She got me down to just my scrubs and the doctor told me to go lay down. After resting a bit I called the emergency room and spoke with my favorite doctor. He asked me to come down and let him check me out. I have a pretty bad case of mastitis that my antibiotic wasn't touching. He sent me home with three prescriptions and orders to come back in if my fever goes up any. He said that often mastitis can lead to an abscess. So after all that I went home. I may not go in tomorrow if I don't feel better. The doctor told me he thinks I should stay home. I dunno. If I feel better I will definitely be there. It was nice seeing all my co-workers. I got to work in the new E.R., it opened the first week I was on leave. Bronson did wonderful with my mom. I was a little worried because when she came over yesterday he cried a bit when she was holding him. Not today though. he grinned and cooed. He charmed the pants off of her. I missed him tons while I was at work though, but it is really nice to know he's in good hands. So that was my day.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
I am a worrier. I try to give it to God, I really do. Worry consumes me though. I do not help matters. I research. A lot. It makes me feel better. I don't know why. It is kind of a double edged sword. What I read disturbs me, yet comforts me at the same time. I didn't realise this until I had a dear friend that had her baby die in utero. For some reason I was consumed by it. She was 24 weeks along so I started researching still births. I read dozens of stories, possible causes, how to deal with the grief, how to help someone else deal with it. For some reason the more I know about horrible things the better I feel about them. Like if I am super aware then it won't happen. Crazy I know. Because of this every morning I read this blog about crazy parents. I read Dastardly Dads about crazy dads only. I read People You'll See in Hell about all types of crazy. I cannot wrap my brain around all the horrible, evil people that are out there. I also follow several personal blogs regarding children. I want to protect my kids. The more I know about the evils in this world the better prepared I feel. Because of sweet baby Cora I knew to have a pulse oximetry test done on Bronson when he was born. Because of Madilyne and Noah I know about shaken baby syndrome. I have researched signs and symptoms. I do the best I can to educate myself and feel no guilt or shame telling others. People shake their heads and wonder why I read such depressing things. To me it matters. These stories, these kids, their families, they matter. I can learn, educate and protect my kids because of them. I pray that I never experience any of the evil out there. I will gladly accept my troubles with open arms. I will still read though. I will still spread the word. I will still worry.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
I love being able to hold my kids. What parent doesn't though? I love when we lay down to sleep. At first it is a struggle for Mylie. Bronson sleeps well and Talise sleeps in her own room. Mylie will argue and protest but once she realizes that we are definitely going to sleep she wants to be held. That is the best part of going to sleep. At first she just wants to lay her head on my arm. Then she'll reach for my other arm to wrap around her. Eventually she gets tired enough for me to pull her in really close to me and feel her warmth. I love breathing in her ringlets, smelling of raspberry shampoo. Feeling her warm baby breath on my arm. Hearing her slight hum as she softly snores. I can always tell when she is really out because I can feel the heaviness of her weight really relax onto me. Sometimes I just lay there staring at her profile, those incredibly long, thick eyelashes. She is absolutely beautiful. Perfect. Angelic. Such a big girl, yet still so much a baby. She likes to throw a leg over me as she sleeps. Her fat little piggies resting on my hip. I love snuggling up to sleep. Not just because of the obvious, sleep. I love it because of the closeness and sweetness of my babies. I love it that Mylie asks to be held. She wants her momma. She wants me surrounding her. Wrapped completely around her. I love it. I love my sweet little girl.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Saturday, August 21, 2010
I wake up quickly and ready to start my day. I sleep in until the last possible minute, then once I get out of bed there is no stopping me. I don't sit around, I get up, get dressed and go on about my day. My husband is a slow starter. He lays around for a bit, then once he drags himself out of bed he makes coffee. He sits and waits for it to brew, then goes out on the porch to enjoy a cup. He then will go get dressed and mess around a bit before he's ready. Start to finish for me: twenty minutes tops, for him: at least one hour. It makes me nuts. My kids, whoa! Talise has always woke up in a foul mood. I have no idea why. When she was a babe she would scream and wail from the moment her eyes opened. Still to this day when I go to wake her for school she hollers out at me. Mylie used to wake up happy. It made my day. When she was a baby I would wake up to see her staring at me. Who knows when she woke up, she lay contently unless she was hungry. When she was older she would softly say momma, then flash me a big grin when I opened my eyes. Such a sweet way to start my day. Lately, she's woke up screaming at me. If I am not in the room when she wakes up then she really screams, when I go in the room to get her, she'll slither off the bed into the floor and flop around a bit. It is NOT a good way to start my day. Especially since I am usually in the process of changing and dressing Bronson. Once I get he into an upright position she starts barking off orders at me. Turn on my movie, make my milk, hold me, I need a new diaper (which means sit your little bottom on the potty!). The entire time I am following her commands she is repeating Momma! Momma! Momma! Hold me! Sit me on the counter! Let ME do it! It is frustrating. Thankfully, my sweet son wakes up SO happy, excited to start his day. He smiles big with his deep dimples showing. He wiggles his torso while his feet kick and his arms fly up and down. His entire body moves with enthusiasm. It definitely puts a smile on my face. It almost makes up for the other two grumps. So, how are mornings at your house?
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Monday, August 16, 2010
How is it that you can completely love someone and not be able to stand them at the same time? It's a crummy feeling to have. I've been feeling that way a lot lately. Pulled. Conflicted. I love my oldest child so incredibly much, yet half of the time I have to really bite my tongue to be nice. I pray that we survive puberty. I read online that age 10 is supposedly a very difficult age. I agree. You know what though, ages 0-9 & 3/4 have been tough too! My husband and I have been a little funky again. So I've felt that way towards him too. We had a long talk today and hopefully things will get back on track. Things have just been stressful financially which of course trickles down to other areas. Bronson must be going through a growth spurt or something. My poor nipples hurt, he has been on me all day, literally. If he wasn't nursing I was wearing him in the Moby so I could get chores done. Eventually I danced him to sleep for a bit. He just hasn't slept well today. He'd go down for maybe 20 minutes then want to be held. I LOVE holding and cuddling with him. That didn't bother me at all. I felt horrible for Mylie though. She's still a baby and needs me too. She got very little of me today. The poor girl refused to nap, she just wanted me to hold her. I put Bronson down as often as I could to try to give some of myself to her. I don't know if you're familiar with Family Guy or not but Stewie, Mylie could totally pull off his role. When she needs me and I can't get to her she'll stare at me and yell out "Momma!" over and over. She does not stop unless I ask what. I can look right at her, she'll just continue. I can say Mylie, and she'll continue. I can ask her to stop, she continues. Oh. My. Goodness! That is the only negative to having a newborn and a toddler. I hate that I can't hold her when ever she needs/wants me too. She loves her brother though and he LOVES her. If she is anywhere near his field of vision he is watching her. Talise gets a bit jealous of that. She is really left out. She feels like I hate her and am mean. I depend on her for help too much. I get frustrated when she picks on Mylie. I especially get angry when she hits Mylie. She gets mad at me and rolls her eyes, talks back, stomps around, slams doors, the list goes on. It drives me mad. I fuss at her a lot. I don't hug her as often as I used to. I feel bad about that, yet at the same time most of the time she is telling me that she hates me and won't come near me. I worry about our relationship. I want it to be better. I need to pray about it more. I am at a loss. I love her more than anything. She made me a mom. I carried her in my womb and in my arms. I sustained her from my body, I've worked jobs I hated to make sure she's had everything she needed and wanted. I've doted on her, acted crazy over her, been a teacher's nightmare for her. Now most of the time I don't like her, and it breaks my heart. I love her. How is it that I feel this way? I hope this stage ends quickly. I pray that she comes back to me. I miss my sweet little princess.
Sunday, August 15, 2010
I woke this morning to the sound of Talise puttering around in the kitchen. I bought pre-made breakfast sandwiches so I assumed that was what she was making. You know what they say about people who assume. She was frying eggs and had biscuits in the oven. Very sweet, only I don't eat scrambled eggs or eggs with the yolks cooked all the way. Mylie isn't a fan of eggs, and Talise doesn't eat them at all. She just likes cracking open eggs. So five eggs wasted. I did say thank you and explained that I'd prefer her not to do that anymore. She was less than thrilled. After breakfast I decided that I would look up recipes to make play dough. Mylie got to play with some for the first time a couple of weeks ago and seemed to really enjoy it. Since Talise is at the age where she likes to be as grown up as possible I figured making it would please them both. We'll see how it goes. Also someone on Facebook posted this link where you can customize your own converse! We have had a blast doing it. I've decided that this is what I will get Talise for her birthday which is coming up. What a neat idea! We've got to find ways to stay busy on the weekends. Yesterday was so gloomy and LONG that I debated going to the liquor store @ 9:30 a.m. but decided that is just wrong on so many levels. I have a strict no liquor before 5 policy. So after lunch I had a small bit of wine! Thank goodness I was a pumping fool before my mom had to watch Bronson. After my mid day snack I got all three kids to sleep! First time ever! I decided to sleep along with them. Then after about an hour the phone rang. Mylie was laying on my right arm and Bronson was nursing on my left side so I was stuck. I let it ring, then breathed a sigh of relief when they babes didn't wake. Then two minutes later it was ringing again! SERIOUSLY! Why do people do that? Still they slept. I was awake, but no way was I moving. Just having silence was enough for me. Twenty minutes later, more ringing. Now Bronson was wiggling around a bit. Maybe three minutes later MORE FLIPPING RINGING! Now Bronson was starting to get mad. I tried to move as gently as possible to get my arm out from under Mylie and get to him before he started to really cry. No such luck. He was wailing. That woke Mylie, aka the beast. You never want to wake up Mylie, not pretty. I went to see who was doing all the calling. First time it was my husband twice. Then my mom twice. I got worried thinking maybe something was wrong. So, I called my mom and asked what was wrong. Her response: Taz (stray cat) had two kittens! Oh. MY. Gosh! SERIOUSLY? That warrants two back to back telephone calls? I don't care. At all. Not a tiny bit. I think I was able to hide my frustration. The day went kinda downhill from there. I don't know why I was so grumpy but boy was I. I promised myself that I would be nicer today, even if I have to fake it. I think from the start of my day, it's gonna be tough.
Friday, August 13, 2010
When I was first pregnant with Talise I totally didn't expect it. We had been trying for two years and I had already tested negative earlier in the week. When I caved and took another one and it said positive I didn't believe it. I called the 800 number on the back of the box. Then I called my friend and was so hysterical that she asked me if we were happy or sad. I ate like mad the entire pregnancy. I gained a LOT of weight. She arrived tiny and I was huge. I worried over everything about her. I couldn't let her sleep in her bassinet because I just knew she would die if I did. She slept in bed with me. I followed all the doctors orders and whatever I read in baby books. No cereal until 6 months old, no baby food until 9 months old, no real food until one year. I would not feed her from the jar, and would throw out jars if the daycare had fed her out of it. I even brought her own water to daycare. I held her so much that she wouldn't even attempt to crawl until she started daycare at 9 months old. We didn't let her cry. We did whatever we could to make her happy. She didn't like a bath so I sat in the bath tub and let her nurse while Fernando bathed her. We took professional pictures of her at least twice a month every month for the first year, we took three family pictures. I remember when my sister in law called at 6 p.m. and said she and her family were coming over to see Talise when she was a week old. I freaked out. It would take her an hour to get to my house and I NEEDED to sleep! Talise would nurse, poop, be changed, and then it take me at least thirty minutes to get her back to sleep. From start to finish was about and hour and a half. She woke to eat every two hours. I went through that routine every time she woke up. That was then. It was easier with Mylie, it is a breeze with Bronson. We tried for him too. Almost a year, with the help of medicine. I totally didn't expect a positive but the test said yes and immediately I felt a warm happiness wash over me. I had a few happy tears. Mostly I was in shock. I didn't worry until I had pre-term labor. When I had him I felt relief and utter bliss. He's a different ball game. I change him at night when I put on his jammies and unless he poops he wears that diaper until we wake up at 5 a.m. Bronson sleeps in his bassinet. He occasionally falls asleep while nursing but will wiggle and grumble until I put him in his bed on his ....BELLY!!!! I even put a small blanket over the lower half of him because our house gets chilly at night. He raises his head and turns it just fine. I feed him whenever he's hungry. I wear him, that made me way to nervous before, again I was afraid she'd die. I bather him in his tub, period. Whether he's happy about it or not, but he likes it. I let him cry. I put him to bed before he falls asleep. I welcome visitors, they keep me sane. I don't worry about sleep. I stay tired but my babes are totally worth it. I enjoy Bronson. I don't worry nearly as much. When the other two make me crazy he centers me. I can watch him all day. I relax when I hold him, even when he's crying. I am so happy to be at this place. I'm not saying that things don't get stressful they do. Just today while driving from the store, between Bronson crying, Mylie screaming and throwing things, the radio blaring and Talise talking non stop I had to really fight the urge to head straight to the trees. Once we got home all was forgotten. I am happy for then because without it I wouldn't have now, and now is wonderful.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
He had his two month check-up today. He is doing great. He's 12.9 pounds and 22 inches long, head circumference is 15.50. So that puts him in the 70% in weight, 40% in height and 30% head circumference. He was cooing and smiling while we were there. That is, until he had to get vaccines. Poor little fella. He screamed like never before. Thank goodness he can have Tylenol now. Once we got home I changed him, put on comfy pj's for him and laid him down. He sucked his thumb until he fell asleep. Poor baby.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
I am having a glass of wine. I am so extremely disappointed in my child. She almost brought me to tears. We went to the grocery store. Talise and Mylie were bickering as usual. Talise was pushing the shopping cart and I was wearing Bronson trying to remember what we needed at home. When we finally finished I decided to stop to pick up dinner. I asked Talise to move from the front seat to the middle seat so she could hand Mylie her food and they could share a soda. When I looked over at the empty passenger seat I saw a tube of brand new, never opened lip stick. My heart broke. I looked back at Talise and asked her where it came from. She just looked at me. I told her I wanted answers and I mean now. She told me from the grocery store. I said "So you stole it!" She just calmly said yup. When I asked her why, she blamed her friend. One that she hasn't seen since last year. That infuriated me. I cannot stand when people don't hold themselves accountable. I told her that she can't blame her friends for what she does. I was speechless. So disappointed. I sat and thought about it. How could I punish her. We were already close to home and Bronson was flipping out in the back seat. I told her on Saturday we are taking it back and she is going to apologize to the store manager for stealing it. That just isn't enough though. I want to leave a lasting impression on her. We don't steal. So I decided that I am going to buy a neon poster board and write on it: Don't trust me, I stole lipstick from..." I am going to make her stand just inside the doors so when people come in the store they see her. I want her to remember what she did and be embarrassed. I want her to know I mean business. Fernando is angry with me. He thinks I am going over board. Too bad. He's not here. I will not have a stealing heathen.
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Sunday, August 1, 2010
I may snap. This has been a trying week for my husband, which of course has trickled down for me also. His employer isn't playing nice and has been a bully to say the least. Fernando has wanted to quit. I am all for that ONCE he has something else lined up. I do not want to go back to work early and since we have another mouth to feed and bottom to diaper he has to keep a job. When we first got married he had a hard time keeping a job so I get really anxious when he says he wants to quit. He says that every time he gets upset though, so I should be used to it. He was with his last employer for 9 years so I shouldn't still get an upset stomach when he says that but I do. I spent nearly all of Friday begging him to continue working. He has prospects, some he feels quite certain about, so he feels safe about quitting. I do not. After he calmed down he finally agreed with me. It is time to grow up and be responsible. No more acting out of anger, sometimes being a grown up means doing things you don't want to and dealing with circumstances that aren't the best. So Friday sucked. I had a headache and upset stomach almost all day. Then comes Saturday. Our power was out for some reason and wouldn't be on for several hours so we decided to go run errands. Bronson does not enjoy riding in the car. He cries nearly the entire time. I have gotten used to it, Fernando has not. The entire trip he keeps talking about how we have to buy Bronson a new car seat. He is uncomfortable. Why won't he quiet down. Finally I pull over to check his diaper. He had been having a fit for about 30 minutes so he was all sweaty. Fernando freaked. He undressed him and blamed the seat for him being so hot, saying it hurt his back and makes him sweaty and itchy. WHATEVER! While we were out Mylie was asserting her independence quite fiercely. Talise talked nonstop. It was pure joy! We get home and Bronson is crying cause it is that time of day. I am trying to comfort him, bathe him and get him settled. Meanwhile Mylie starts loosing her ever loving mind. Worse tantrum ever. She goes completely boneless, slithering around like a snake. She is screaming and being defiant, She has been refusing naps which I know is the problem but you cannot dare mention the s or n words. It just makes thing so much worse. She decides that she wants me to watch movies with her in her room at the same time dinner is ready. She flips and flops all over the place while I eat. She starts screaming out like she is hurt so Fernando runs in there and she won't say anything. Just keeps screaming. He starts to loose his patience so I had to intervene. We never found out what the matter was. She just started screaming momma over and over and over. I was holding Bronson, holding Mylie, and trying to keep her from hurting him. It was miserable. This went on for at least three hours. We were spent. Once she finally went to sleep and Bronson was down for the night I got Fernando to rub my shoulders while Talise rubbed my feet. Then it was time for bed, THANK GOD! Bronson woke up at 5:45 so I got up with him. When the others got up Bronson and I laid back down for about an hour or so. The entire time I could hear the girls screaming and fighting. Fernando had to keep getting onto them and dragging them out of our room so I could try to rest. When I got up I went to say thank you to him. Instead he told me thank you for giving him time to spend with just the girls. I liked that. That has been the only bright spot so far today. Fernando is used to taking a nap with Mylie whenever he is home. Mylie no longer naps though. He took Bronson to our room to lay down. Bronson was fussing so I went to see what was wrong and as soon as I laid beside Bronson he started to calm. I fed him and he fell asleep. Well Fernando calls the girls to the bed because he wants to take a nap. I keep telling him that is not going to work. Talise is too big with me and him and Mylie is all over the place and will try to hurt Bronson. Mylie keeps trying to kick him or push him, the Talise throws a blanket on him. I am saying over and over that the girls need to get out. Fernando keeps saying no, they are fine. MylieMylie would mess with him. He offered to "guard" Bronson. I think not. He finally brings Bronson to his bassinet and lays him down then goes outside. He tells me not to follow him. I don't. I give him his space and the brat sneaks in the bedroom and tries to lay down. I get tired too you know. I am usually up from 5:30-6 a.m. until after 11 p.m. and get up every two hours to feed Bronson. I would like to rest too you know. I am frustrated, which I think is apparent. If I wasn't breastfeeding I would have myself a shot of something strong!