Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Despise, disgust, and worry

I've written before about my feeling towards my mom's live in. I've never voiced any of these opinions to him, and unless she ever leaves I won't. However, last Friday when she came over to watch my children she had a mark on her neck. Only one year ago she had surgery on her neck and now she is without insurance to be seen again. She told me what happened and of course asked me not to say anything because he would only raise hell even worse. I sat and fumed about it all weekend at work. It kept creeping back into my thoughts. Yesterday I called my mom and he answered saying that he was just about to call me because he didn't know where she was. I asked if everything was ok between them, had they had a disagreement. He said no and I assured him that if she contacted me first I'd have her call him. Then later in the afternoon he called again. Still no word from her, then he had the nerve to try to bad mouth her to me. The fury resurfaced in a big way. I was trembling. I very calmly explained to him that she probably just needed a break and that is why she isn't answering. He kept on and I lost it. I was very respectful and calm about it, but I told him that I saw the mark even though she wouldn't tell me what happened ( I lied) I had a pretty good idea. I told him that I often hear him giving her a very hard time in the back ground when I call her. That she is getting old and needs rest. He had the balls to say that I don't know how SHE speaks to him. I told him based on what I've witnessed it is probably deserved. He then says he has never laid a hand on her! I reminded him of his little stint in the big house for domestic violence towards her. He got upset that I brought up his past. Oh well. I apologised for being disrespectful and told him it would be extremely unfortunate if I EVER see another mark on my mother. Then Mylie wanted to talk so she did and I hung up. I was worried all night and had an upset stomach thinking about it. I finally spoke to her. He lied about what was said and did fuss a bit, but that's it. My rage still fumes.

Monday, January 24, 2011

Memory Lane

I was sitting here, thinking about the past. How quickly things change. How fast babies grow. It is amazing, wonderful and overwhelming all at once. I went looking through photos from when we first moved out here. I can't get over how much my girls have changed. When you are going through the motions of life it is so easy to get caught up in it. Life, sucks you in, worries you, brings you intense emotions every day. Next thing you know everything is different. So I am taking in some memories, appreciating where I've been and smiling.

She had to sneak up there and was stoked about not getting caught.

We had never seen huge hay bales up close before so we had to get some pictures.

Look at how much Mylie has grown! See those sweet little curls? I have been just trimming her hair in attempt to save those curls. The longer her hair gets the less curls. It saddens me.

Friday, January 21, 2011


Bronson can now sit pretty much unassisted. I still put the Boppy around him just in case he falls over. I don't want him to get hurt.

Mylie is playing much better with Bronson too. He LOVES it. He tolerates just about anything she doles out just as long as she is giving him attention. 

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Sometimes it just sucks

This whole thing. I never thought my relationship would end no matter how bad it got. I am glad it did, for me. The longer I am single the happier I am that it did. For my children, not so much. Talise says she wishes we could get back together, but knows that he will never change so that won't ever happen. Mylie is too young to understand. I don't know what to say to her about it. She talks about her dad all the time. Just a minute ago she was saying that when her daddy pushes her in her new swing she will have to hold on tight so she doesn't fall off. She often says when her daddy gets home from work.. Or she's telling her daddy. She will demand me to call him for her, which I do. I let her talk to him as often as she likes. It breaks my heart. She is a total daddy's girl. I haven't said anything to her yet. I don't know if I should or not. I don't know what she'll understand. I don't want to hurt her. I feel like either way I will. This sucks completely.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Shots x 2

Today Bronson had to go in for vaccines and Talise needed a check-up. First thing this a.m. went trekked down to Opelika to see our wonderful  pediatrician. Bronson was a trooper. He got three shots and cried for a minute but once I brought out a bottle he was happy as a clam. Neither Talise or I had any idea what was going to happen for her check-up. She had the normal height, weight, hearing and vision. The doctor asked her loads of questions and it was determined that she has reflux. That explains the belly and chest pain.She also had to get three shots. Talise is petrified of needles. Last time she had a blood draw we were there 2 hours and I had to sit on her while two nurses held her down and one stuck her. I talked to her while the nurse went and got them ready. I explained that once you reach a certain age you have to basically suck it up. You  have to do a lot of things you don't want to, some of which are painful,but you hold still and get it done. She made me proud. She cried, but she held still and took deep breaths. She's come a long way!

Friday, January 14, 2011

Faking it

When I was younger I dated a guy that meant the world to me. So much so that I gave myself to him. After that  magical night I received a telephone call from a girl claiming to be his fiance. During our blubbery mess of a conversation chat she revealed to me that she too had given herself to him as well. This ass had ruined both of us. Our self esteem and security tainted. From then on I was insecure, jealous and questioned my worth with every guy I encountered. That is until my mom had a talk with me. She let me in on a twisted little secret that I believe to be true to this day. Sadly, you can't let people know just how much they mean to you. To keep a guy interested you have to make him feel like you could take him or leave him. Once I started holding back my feelings and behaving like I was the only thing that mattered I had guys chasing me like mad.Nut head couldn't marry me fast enough. Everything went well until I let him know how much I loved him. Then he took advantage of my love and became an ass from hell. Now his only sense of control is dragging out the divorce.He wants us to be friends. He wants me to go out to dinner with him. HE wants us to date. He'll call off his attorney if i... I am SO fed up with his crap. At first I was faking it, pretending to still be interested but I just CAN'T FAKE IT ANYMORE. i DO not ENJOY TALKING TO HIM.Even hearing his voice disturbs me. The thing is, the more I push him away the more up my tail he tries to get. Momma was right. The one who cares less has the power in the relationship. I just don't want the relationship! I want out. To be divorced and left alone.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Winter Fun

We got ice.  lots of super slick, bust your tail, ice. My momma is stuck over here at my house due to this ice. I was pretty excited about her being iced in. I love my mom and feel much comfort when she's here. She comes every weekend but we don't get to see much of each other. Fridays, when she arrives, I run around taking care of errands that I am unable to do  with my babies in tow. When I finish that up we eat dinner maybe watch a movie then I'm off to bed. I work all weekend and Monday morning, as soon as the sun is up enough for her to see, she is off.  So, even though she is here I get to spend hardly any time with her. She really didn't want to be stuck here. She had planned to leave Sunday night. She thought she could beat the ice home. Nope. I had to leave work 4 hours early and still barely made it up my driveway. I really thought I was going to have to park at the bottom of my driveway and walk u it. I made it though.Yay! She has been very grumpy. She needs a break from the girls.  They can be sassy and are definitely little wiggle tails. All the non stop movement makes her nervous. Her nervousness and grumpiness has caused her to be less patient with my girls and get a bit mean. I don't like it. She's also quite vocal about how miserable she is and how badly she wants to go home. I try to just brush it off. I know she wants to sleep in her own bed and she misses her pup, but it stings some to hear Oh Goodness! I must go! I've got to get out of here! Blah, blah, blah. I love her and really wishes she wasn't so miserable. I had visions of us hanging out, talking, laughing, doting on the babes. My expectations have been let down and I don't like it. Who does like it though? It hasn't been non stop misery. We've had some fun. I just love her so much. She has been so great with everything that has been going on in my life recently. I just wish I had a way to take her out. Vacation together or something. Maybe just enjoy being holed up in all this ice. Bleh, ice.

Monday, January 10, 2011

First Sink Bath

Now that Bronson is big enough to sit with some stability I decided to bathe him in the sink. It has a hit. He sat and splashed for a while.

Love that last expression.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

So in love

I've said it a thousand time or more. I adore my children. I love breast feeding them. Something about it is so loving and personal. Even when Mylie FINALLY stopped at 25 1/2 months and I was beyond pregnant I still grieved over it. All three of my babes have been excellent nursers. Bronson took right to it. He's cut way back but I offer him the breast often. He can be a bit lazy and will fuss if my let down isn't  right away. But at night, when he wakes to nurse I love it. Looking down at that sweet face. Knowing that not only did my body give him a space to grow but can also provide all the nourishment he needs. Amazing. It's so bonding.Duh, I know. But until you've done it you just can't grasp it. We are so connected. I wouldn't ever change it. So in love.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

True Colors

This divorce is really causing his true colors to shine. I must admit it really hurts. He's always been a name caller, we both ended up that way. I never doubted that he'd do whatever it took (besides work) for me and the girls. Bronson was a different story. He has since gone completely nuts. Stalking me, begging me to cut him, lying to me, stealing from me and constantly asking me for money. I am blown away by it all. I have given him almost whatever he's asked for. It makes me question what all he's been dishonest with me about in the past. He says he fired his attorney. Then he hired him back. Not only that but he had the case moved to Randolph county which moves slow as molasses I am so upset.  I am so over this whole thing. Crying. Fighting. Struggling.Well I tell you what as long as he's following then rules of the courts so will I.  I am hurt and fed up.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Talise's New Room

Talise hasn't got new bedding or curtains since 2005. Santa brought new digs and she is quite pleased. According to Talise she now has a teenager room. Whatever!
She got glow in the dark stars that she put on her walls instead of the ceiling. She also got some peace mirrored wall decals.

She got a Peace sign earring holder.

New bedding.

And new curtains.

I'm happy that she's happy!

Monday, January 3, 2011


On Christmas evening I received a telephone call from a friend of Talise's father. He said that the friend really loved Talise and wants her to go to the movies with her. The friend wanted to see Gulliver's Travels (very good movie). He said I'd be welcome to come along to chaperone if I'd like. Of course I said yes, no way would I let my child go anywhere with someone I have never met. I looked up show times and the earliest one was at 2. I wanted to go to an early one because I had to work third shift that night and needed time to take a nap before going in. He shows up 3 hours early, even after I reminded him of the show time. After he picks us up he drives to this ratty trailer to look for a gas can to put gas in his truck. He didn't find it so we had to stop on the way.  After putting gas in his truck he said he needed to make a stop about a job.  Not what I would do if I was taking someone out.  After stopping three or four times we finally park to get some lunch. He chose a local hot dog joint. Yes, I said hot dog. Fine cuisine. The kids are with us so whatever. After he pays the total of $18.79 for all four of us to eat he turns to me and in front of the girls asks me if I have any money. In my head I was thinking Seriously!!!! Yes I do. He then tells me since he had to pay for gas he no longer has money to get us into the show. To say I wasn't impressed is an understatement. So I pay for us to get in and buy concessions to the date I was asked on. The movie was enjoyable, although I caught him asleep a couple of times. You know, at the movie he asked ME to, then asked ME  to pay for. Yeah, asleep. After it was over on our way home we had to stop by the ratty trailer once more for him to syphon gas out of the old beat up van to put more gas into his truck. After THAT stop he tells me when he gets his UNEMPLOYMENT check in he'll take me out some place nice. Um, No you won't buddy. That's quite alright.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

Two posts in one

Talise gave Mylie a make-over. Wow! It's all I got.

 Posing. She is also wearing Talise's clothes. Nice.

I actually like this one, even with the bright blue eye shadow.

She is just so pretty.

Now here is my baby New Year:

Bronson and Granny had a blast playing together today. Granny play rough and although it makes me wince Bronson absolutely LOVES it. She hangs him upside down. He loves it so much that anytime he plays on the floor and she walks by he starts swinging his arms and kicking his legs back and forth. He laughs deep, belly laughs when they play. It warms my heart watching them.

See his dimples? That's from his grinning at what's to come. (check out those thighs!)

They love each other so.

Here's my sweet fella playing on the floor. He's gotten to where he'll actually play by himself on the rug for up to an hour.

I just LOVE those thighs! So squishy.

I am so blessed. Praise God!