Tuesday, October 25, 2011


I felt such relief when my divorce was finalized. No longer did I have to face him everyday. No longer did I have to hear his voice or take his crap. Well, boy was I mistaken. When we were married I paid his bills from our joint account. Most married couples do that any ways, right? Well especially when only one of the two works. I have since taken him off that account and use it only for bills. Bryan logged on to transfer this months bill money over to pay them and he calls me to let me know that the account is over drawn. I JUST had $800.00 deposited into that account the day before. I had not paid but one small bill. I had him read me the recent transactions. $506.82 for a bill that was Fernando's. My name was never even on the account. I have been going around and around between my bank and the company he owed since Friday. Thankfully, our divorce decree includes a statement regarding me not being responsible for his debts because without that court order I could have been held liable because I had paid the company before using my debit card. I had to cancel my current card and order a new one. I had to file a dispute with both the bank and the company and now I wait. Meanwhile, Talise told her father that Bryan and I are engaged. He didn't handle it well. He was supposed to keep the kids this weekend. He called me five minutes before he was due to meet me and tells me he's not doing me any favors. He will not get his kids. Well when I crank the car back up Talise asks me where we are going and I tell her home. She starts freaking out, Mylie starts screaming and crying. I explained that he said he can't get them. She wanted to call, so I let her. He tells her he is on his way and asks to speak to me. Immediately he starts name calling and yelling at me. I will never change, I am fucking crazy, why would I tell her that? Well...you did say you weren't going to get them. His response is you damn right I'm not. OK, fine, what ever. I am SO over this. My kids deserve better and I am doing him a favor by letting him see them. He was given NO visitation at all. He's not even supposed to be in the car alone with them. I am so torn. I know they love him, well, at least the girls do. I know they want to see him. I don't feel it's fair for him to keep hurting them trying to hurt me. I cannot wrap my brain around his thought process. If I didn't get to see my kids every day I'd be counting the days until I could. They drive me nuts, usually with an hour or two of waking but I absolutely cannot imagine not seeing them, holding and kissing them every single day. I call home a dozen times at least every weekend when I'm working to see how they are and speak to them. How can he go from staying home everyday with them to seeing them once a month and not be bothered by that? So, I've decided to follow my divorce decree and stop visitations. I feel that it is in their best interest. The little ones will end up viewing Bryan as their father anyways. Talise has already expressed her dislike for her father's behaviors. She's bummed about it, but seems to understand. I feel haunted by my choice though. I feel like I am hurting them either way. I don't want to be the bad guy for trying to protect them. Yet, I don't want to continue to watch them cry because of him failing them either. All of this completely sucks.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

The proposal

My ring is finally ready! I have longer to see it. I wore a $40.00 piece of glass on my finger for 14 years. The idea of a real diamond, that you can really see is something I never thought I'd have. I've also always wanted a real proposal. Nothing over the top, just heartfelt. Well, as much as I adore Bryan, he is very serious and dry about things. Out of worry of doing it wrong, he actually asked me how I wanted him to do it! I just said to please not ask. Well, I should have answered because we were sitting on the sofa and he looks at me and just asks, the same way he'd ask what's for dinner or what are we watching! I was SO upset! I am an emotional person anyway, and I've expressed how important the proposal is to me and that's all he's got? I cried. Cannot help it. Well, later that night after the kids were in the bed we were talking about it. I of course was crying again and he was telling me how much I mean to him, how much my kids mean to him and before I knew it he was kneeling beside me. He told me how much he loves me and my kids and how he wants us to always be with him. Then he asked me. I looked at the box because I haven't seen the finished product, just the designers image. He tells me he isn't opening the box until I give him an answer. I told him he's not getting an answer until he opens the box! (stubborn I know) When he opened it I completely lost it. I don't even remember if he put it on my finger or me. I don't remember if I even said yes. It is SO beautiful. So much better than I thought it would be. If it equates how much he loves me then I am one extremely blessed woman. I was crying so hard he kept asking me if I was OK. It took a good five minutes or more before I could even respond. I am crying now trying to type it out. Seeing my gorgeous ring makes me feel loved and worthy. I truly felt that I wouldn't ever be with someone decent. I don't know why, but I guess after years of hearing how everything about you is wrong when someone tries to show you how right you are for them it is so overwhelming. Whats so silly is, we already had decided we are going to get married. It's not like it was a surprise, but man. I have never had such an extreme response to something like that. The only other times I've felt overcome like that are when I had my babies and when my grandmother and aunt died. I always thought it was a put on when women got all emotional and cried while saying yes. I was mistaken! I was a big blubbering mess! I am so completely, utterly happy. Completely head over heals in love with this man. Now we just have to set a date!