Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Fear

The further along I get the more I am freaking out. I am 24 weeks 4 days pregnant. I feel Bree move, kick and squirm all the time. I don't really feel attached yet and that scares me. The fact that I am 34 years old and will be 35 when I have her if she makes it to her due date, scares me. Thinking about her starting pre-k and my oldest being 17 really freaks me out. The idea of her not resembling my other three children plagues me. That one is the most troublesome because not only does it worry me but also causes me guilt. I feel that rationally, I should just be thrilled that so far everything has checked out healthy rather than worry about her beauty.  I don't want her to be the odd girl out. I worry about Bryan favoring her over my other three babies.  I worry about feeling resentment towards her if he does.  I worry about him helping me with her. I worry that he won't because he STILL keeps saying that she could be a he. I think all this worry is keeping me disconnected from her. I worry that she can feel it too. When I get really upset about this stuff I start with the Braxton Hicks and my abdomen gets hard.  I feel SO much stress about all this and not having a pay check while on maternity leave, finding a bigger home we can agree on and getting a bigger car. I actually have night mares about it. I wake with a headache nearly every day. What makes it worse is when I finally broke down and spoke to Bryan about he got all defensive. That just compounded my guilt. I really wanted to be relaxed and happy this pregnancy. It will be my last. That is yet another issue that consumes my thoughts. I am SO done with all of this. I felt complete with my three gorgeous children, but Bryan doesn't have any. Although I know he loves mine I know how much he wanted one of his own. He did not pressure me to get pregnant. Bree was a surprise. My first ever which made me feel like she is completely meant to be. I know I do not want to do this again though. This has been SO hard on me. I work 16 hour shifts having to push and pull patients, most of which are either unable to move themselves or overweight and just difficult to push. By mid-shift my back and legs are aching and by the end of my shift my legs are swollen from the knee down. I am so very tired all the time. I am a hormonal wreck. I swear I cry non-stop over the silliest things which drives me mad. I really want Bryan to have a vasectomy. He wants me to have my tubes tied. He fails to realize I have NO ONE to help me with them children while I heal from that. Plus every one I know that has done that has had horrible cycles afterwards. He's already giving me a hard time about the recovery time after giving birth, yet he wants to do nothing to prevent a future pregnancy. I really hope all this is just my hormones giving me fits. When I voiced all my concerns he took offense. I love him and did not at all intend for that to happen. The only reason I said anything at all was because he was saying he felt shut out. Ugh!