Thursday, June 28, 2012

So much

Life has been so  busy. About a week after Bronson's birthday we drove down to Florida to visit the beach. It was my first time staying on the beach. It was really nice. I loved waking p to the sounds of waves crashing and going out on the balcony to watch the men fish in the early morning. The kids woke early and stayed up late. Bronson hated the beach. He didn't like the sand and was scared of the ocean. He mostly sat in my lap or right in front of me. He asked often to have sand wiped off of him. Mylie was frightened at first. She never really enjoyed getting into the ocean. By day two she would play where the waves wash in though. She loved digging in the sand and crab hunting. Talise is still a fish. She swam and pretty much stayed in the ocean the entire time. Her and Bryan bonded a little because of that. He liked to stay in the ocean a lot too. All the kids loved the pool, both the big and kiddie. The girls liked the hot tub but again, Bronson flipped out. We tried to walk the beach every night, except the one time Bronson couldn't hang. He kept laying his little head on the table at dinner then zonked out in the car. We spent the hottest part of the day either having lunch out or going places. It was so nice.
I had my 27 week baby appt. this week. I'm measuring two weeks ahead, her head is down and I am already on every two weeks visits. I was told to go to the E.R. if I have 6 or more  Braxton Hicks in an hour. He's a bit concerned that I'm still having them so often since Bronson tried to come early.  Other than that all is well in that aspect of my life.
Bryan is working hard and trying to get in as much over time as possible to prepare for my maternity leave. Having a pregnant wife and three children proves that difficult though. Just this week Talise has had an orthodontist appt., I had a ob/gyn appt. then Mylie had to get shots for Pre-K. So three days he had to be home a.s.a.p. so I could go or take which ever child alone. It is SUCH a blessing to be able to go to appointments either by myself or with only one child. I had no idea what I was missing out on until he offered to watch my little ones for me to go alone. All this time I ALWAYS had all three with me all the time. It was so very stressful. Now that I have him, I sometimes wait to even go shopping until he gets home from work. I am so blessed to have found him. My ex expected me to bring the kids all the time.
Speaking of the ex, apparently he has lost yet another job because I haven't received any child support in a month and when I looked into it I was told his lisence is due to be suspended at the end of this month. I really hope he gets his act together. I really don't want him to end up in jail. I would much rather he contribute to his kids. He hasn't seen them since October and didn't even acknowledge Bronson's birthday. I hate it that he doesn't seem to care, especially for my girls. Bronson's daddy is Bryan. They love each other, Bronson gives him kisses and calls him daddy. I am grateful that my son will have a responsible, respectable man as a role model.
Things aren't well at all between my mother and I. She is mentally unwell and needs prayer. I am at a loss.

Monday, June 11, 2012

Two Amazing Years

My wonderful, sweet son turned two years old on Sunday.  We celebrated his milestone the Friday before. Just a small gathering of close family. With my first I had large parties and overspent. In the end I'd be broke, tired and worried about bills. What's worse, she doesn't remember any of her parties before she turned 5! She only remembers bits about that one. I have learned my lesson. I now have small a get together, after nap time, with people that will understand if there any meltdowns! My father came. It was nice. It's the first party of my children's that he has been to. Unfortunately, I haven't heard from my mother so she wasn't there. Bryan's sister came with her two boys. It was their first time visiting since my family moved in with Bryan. I was quite nervous about how things would pan out. I really debated inviting them because I didn't want it to be uncomfortable between us. I am so glad I did. The little boys played well together. Mylie and Tristan had fun playing together, but they always do. My mother-in-law came. The kids adore her so they all were excited to see her. Bryan's granny was even able to attend. We all had pleasant conversation and really enjoyed watching the kids play and swim.  It was a great day. Bronson got neat toys that he seemed to be really pleased about. He hasn't gotten possessive about his things yet so his cousins were able to enjoy his new stuff too. Well, except for his new Mickey. He may have had a fit over that one. He never put it down willingly. I had no idea he even liked Mickey Mouse! I am so glad things turned out the way they did! I'd say he had a great birthday. I believe we all had fun.

Wednesday, June 6, 2012


The further along I get the more I am freaking out. I am 24 weeks 4 days pregnant. I feel Bree move, kick and squirm all the time. I don't really feel attached yet and that scares me. The fact that I am 34 years old and will be 35 when I have her if she makes it to her due date, scares me. Thinking about her starting pre-k and my oldest being 17 really freaks me out. The idea of her not resembling my other three children plagues me. That one is the most troublesome because not only does it worry me but also causes me guilt. I feel that rationally, I should just be thrilled that so far everything has checked out healthy rather than worry about her beauty.  I don't want her to be the odd girl out. I worry about Bryan favoring her over my other three babies.  I worry about feeling resentment towards her if he does.  I worry about him helping me with her. I worry that he won't because he STILL keeps saying that she could be a he. I think all this worry is keeping me disconnected from her. I worry that she can feel it too. When I get really upset about this stuff I start with the Braxton Hicks and my abdomen gets hard.  I feel SO much stress about all this and not having a pay check while on maternity leave, finding a bigger home we can agree on and getting a bigger car. I actually have night mares about it. I wake with a headache nearly every day. What makes it worse is when I finally broke down and spoke to Bryan about he got all defensive. That just compounded my guilt. I really wanted to be relaxed and happy this pregnancy. It will be my last. That is yet another issue that consumes my thoughts. I am SO done with all of this. I felt complete with my three gorgeous children, but Bryan doesn't have any. Although I know he loves mine I know how much he wanted one of his own. He did not pressure me to get pregnant. Bree was a surprise. My first ever which made me feel like she is completely meant to be. I know I do not want to do this again though. This has been SO hard on me. I work 16 hour shifts having to push and pull patients, most of which are either unable to move themselves or overweight and just difficult to push. By mid-shift my back and legs are aching and by the end of my shift my legs are swollen from the knee down. I am so very tired all the time. I am a hormonal wreck. I swear I cry non-stop over the silliest things which drives me mad. I really want Bryan to have a vasectomy. He wants me to have my tubes tied. He fails to realize I have NO ONE to help me with them children while I heal from that. Plus every one I know that has done that has had horrible cycles afterwards. He's already giving me a hard time about the recovery time after giving birth, yet he wants to do nothing to prevent a future pregnancy. I really hope all this is just my hormones giving me fits. When I voiced all my concerns he took offense. I love him and did not at all intend for that to happen. The only reason I said anything at all was because he was saying he felt shut out. Ugh!