Saturday, May 12, 2007
I just wish I weren't even here. My child is ungrateful, my husband acts like I am such a bother. He won't make my daughter be responsible for her actions. He's trying I know it's just not enough. I can't take much more. I am STILL not pregnant. We are so far behind on everything, after we worked so hard to get here. I sleep as much as possible just so that I don't have to deal with it all. Then I feel guilty because what kind of parent is that? I just can't do it all. My friends are so far away from me. The only so called people near me that are supposed to be friends I cannot trust. I am just so upset. I had that fucking surgery to loose weight am now I feel even more disgusted in myself than before. I don't understand it! I just can't get a break! I WANT to throw up all the time. I KNOW that it could totally fuck up my pouch.I DELIBERATELY eat things I shouldn't to the point of feeling sick enough to throw up. I am so totally fucked up. No wonder GOD won't give me a kid. I am a fucking kid. I am so pathetic. When I quit being able to use food as a substitute for anxiety I started having panic attacks! I went from being a thin smoker to a fat angry cow, to a thin flabby pathetic loser that has to take drugs to act like a half way normal person. I sabotage myself constantly.I HATE my body. I HATE my person. I HATE ME!!!!!!!!!!
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
Monday, March 26, 2007
Thursday, March 15, 2007
Wednesday was our appointment. The doctor told me my progesterone had been great and he was surprised that I am not pregnant. He ordered a semen analysis for Fernando and a HSG for me. I am not looking forward to it. I work in x-ray I've assisted in HSG's and heard women moan because of the pain of pressure on a blocked tube. I really hope my tubes aren't blocked and Fernando's spermies are in great shape. Both are to be done on Monday. They also increased my Clomid dose to 100 mgs. I am praying for a miracle. Right now I think I have a sinus infection. I feel pretty crummy. Our dishwasher is junk. It will not clean dishes, and whats worse is it leaves soap on them! We scrape our plates and rinse our dishes before we put them in there and they still don't come out clean. It is frustrating. Oh well.
Saturday, March 10, 2007
Thursday, March 8, 2007
I haven't blogged since Monday! Well, lets see this week I went to have some papers signed that I drove over two hours to do - YUCK! I went and had lunch with Talise at school. I took her to the book fair. We went to church, I dressed her up so pretty I should've taken pictures. I went to the department of labor for an interview class. That's about it so far. Kinda boring. I've been very tired and my breasts are sore. I tested negative on Tuesday, but my period isn't due to start until tomorrow. The nurse said that sometimes Clomid can drag out your cycle, so we'll see I guess. I watched the Health Inspector last night, so flipping funny! I am tired and boring so that is all. I will try to do better the rest of the week!
Monday, March 5, 2007
I have slept all day! And guess what?! I feel like a nap! I have got to get dressed and go to the store, but I don't wanna. I am happy though. Even though I'm a slug it's been a good day. I got some very interesting news from my ob/gyn today. my progesterone levels were 16! That's awesome. The nurse told me not to tell my husband and try not to get too excited, but there's a good possibility that I could be pregnant with levels that high! Average levels are 5 with ovulation, so mine are really good. That definitely means I ovulated, which is completely awesome because that means the medicine is working. I am a happy slug!
Sunday, March 4, 2007
My husband and I were Baptised today. We both feel great about it. His family came, well one of his brothers and one of his sisters, and my best friend. We were very pleased. We all went out to lunch afterwards, we had a great time. We always have fun when we do things together though. We talked through our argument last night. He made some very good points. I now understand what made him so angry. Talise went to stay with Aunt Cindy after lunch and we are picking her up after the evening service. It has been a great day. I am pleased!
Saturday, March 3, 2007
My morning started out frustrating. But has ended up pretty decent so far. One of Talise's friends called for her to go play, so Fernando asked me to go on a date. That was really nice, and surprising. We went and saw The Messengers, then had lunch and bought Talise's Easter stuff. After we picked her up we got Gizmo and took him to PetsMart, he loved it. Once we pulled into our neighborhood we decided to park at the clubhouse and walk the nature trail. We saw Canadian Geese. it was beautiful. We ended up walking all the way home, then having to drive back to get our other car. Today is a good day so far.Well, It is now 8:30 p.m. and the good day is over. He started acting completely psycho! My friend called and as I was talking to her he picks up the phone and says that I went to the store. then he comes and fights me for the phone, twisting it out of my hand. Trying to act all bad ass. I told him to go for it, I'll call the police. All the while my little girl is staring at us. I am speaking to Joe about this. He is so set on hurting me when he is angry that he doesn't care that it hurts Talise also. I do not understand him. After the craziness he keeps turning the other phones on speaker phone so he can hear me and my friend talk. I don't care! Since that doesn't bother me he starts pressing buttons. We both just waited until he stopped, then resumed speaking. Then he says he's going to the store and takes the phone in the car with him. Finally poor Talise goes out there because she is upset by all of this. He gives her the phone and she comes inside. Why is he so flipping nuts?!
Friday, March 2, 2007
I went in for my blood work today and the nurse, you know, the one that told me to come in on Friday, said that I should've come in on Thursday! I was just like, whatever. i guess I misunderstood the instructions. So I will find out on Monday. Oh and Fertility Friend has me oing on Tuesday! Again, whatever. I think because my little one was out of school for a week and I slept in everyday that it messed up my temperatures. It'll all be alright!
Thursday, March 1, 2007
My husband knows that I have my alarm set. He knows not to let our dog into our room, he will pee on the carpet. He knows not to let our cat Charlie in our room, because we have to keep the door closed to keep the dog out. the cat will sit by the door scratching to get out. He knows that light wakes me up. He knows that I am temping because we are trying to get pregnant. Yet this morning, even though it is raining outside so he doesn't have to go to work, and he is already awake and dressed, he keeps coming into our room. He asks me over and over if I am going to get up and get Talise ready for school. He lets the dog in our room. He leaves the door open to the living room which has the overhead light on. I cannot have sugar. Last night I ran out of Splenda and he promised me he would get up and go get some this morning, nope! He had a cup of coffee though. And when I asked him if he'd take Talise to school since he was up he had to run to the store immediately. I asked him to please heat Talise up a biscuit in the microwave while I got her ready, he didn't. Then he shows up as I am leaving to take her to school, without Splenda. So I told him, fine I'll go by Starbucks and pay $6.00 for coffee since you can't honor your word. Now he wants to take her to school to keep me in the house. Talise and I are in the car I am trying to back out of the garage and he keeps closing the garage door. I am angry! I feel I have every right to be angry. He is acting like an asinine child. Well he comes up t me and tells me that he is going to call Joe (our pastor) and tell him to cancel Sunday - we are supposed to get Baptised. I told him fine I think he should the way he is acting. He said no, for me because I am obviously not ready! Am I crazy?! Do I not have a good reason to be upset at him? He thinks the only reason Joe wants us to get Baptised is because he thinks Joe gets some kinda bonus check for everyone he gets Baptised! I told him that is nuts! I'm telling you I have not felt this foul in a long time.
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
I am praying that it's a pregnancy symptom, although it's probably not. We seem to have done everything right this month though. I am anxious about Friday, it's blood work day. I really want to see that I did ovulate. I got a positive on the OPK on Saturday, so I think I did. But I got a positive before and the blood work said nope. My husband has been extremely loving to me lately, I'm loving it! He's been a real trooper. Gosh I want this to be our month! My breasts are tender, not everywhere though, only in spots. Two weeks to wait and see. I'm keeping my fingers crossed!
Monday, February 26, 2007
I just found out today that Children's fired another person! They have been firing people left and right. The job market is really tough right now too. It is starting to really worry me. I have been so grumpy today. I mean it is only 9:00 a.m. and I've already made Talise cry (she didn't want to brush her hair) and pissed off my husband. Stephanie called already, she usually calls first thing in the morning for some reason. Maybe I'll call her back and we can go shopping or something. I've got to go to the bank anyway, and Talise really needs some new clothes. Hopefully today will start to look up.
Friday, February 23, 2007
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
I just really lost my temper. My little girl says that the dog freed himself from the tie out we have for him. She then puts him in our flower bed in the front yard. I got so mad! I am barely strong enough to screw it back in the ground. Well she proceeds to run crazy around the outside of the house screaming like a banshee. That made me angry and embarrassed me. When I come in the house she has ran into her room and locked the door. She wouldn't open it. I had to go find a key to open it. I spanked her. I feel bad now, but she gets away with murder. She is so disrespectful to us both. I slept well last night though, I woke up sleepy and haven't recovered from it yet. I need to go get dressed for church. I'm not really in the mood, but I feel that when your not in the mood to go is when you need to go the most. I still have to clean the bathrooms and mop the floors and vacuum. Hopefully I won't be too tired for tonight!
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
I had my ultrasound today and they tech told me that I had two good follicles. Both on my left ovary, one measures 18 the other measures almost 20. I am excited. I called Fernando and told him that means we are so going to be having sex every night for the next five days. He sounded less than thrilled. I kinda feel bad for him because he works so hard, and he works long hours, and he really just wants to eat, shower and go to sleep. Oh well, he'll live.
Monday, February 19, 2007
I slept until 11:30 a.m., and still I am fatigued. We went to the evening service last night at church. It was good. We are going to be baptised. I feel really good about it. Fernando is doing a lot better with the whole baby making thing. I am excited about my ultrasound tomorrow. I really hope I get good news. I really want a baby. My friend Tiffany recently found out she is pregnant and she didn't tell me! I find that incredibly sweet and caring, but I do not want to be viewed as that woman! You know, the one that is so focused on her own issues that she sucks the joy out of others good fortune. I bought her a card to explain that I am happy for her. I had to explain to Fernando about the opk's. He thought the were pregnancy tests! I told him how they works and explained that once I get a positive we will need to do the deed everyday for three days, even if we did have sex the night before. He took it in stride, but I know he hates the sex on demand thing. I agree, it is a buzz kill, but I do enjoy the closeness. A total change of subject, I bought the new bissel healthy home vacuum, I love it! It is amazing! I have been a vacuuming fool! It's got killer suction and is easy to clean.
Saturday, February 17, 2007
Yesterday I missed my husband so much. I couldn't wait for him to get home. Well, then I lost my mind. I took a shower and shaved and used vanilla jasmine scented shower gel, because he likes it. Then I told him in Portuguese that I wanted to make love to him. Well, all is good, at least so I think. Talise decides that she doesn't want to go to bed in her room. I told Fernando that technically he should put me first because I am his wife. Well, he didn't. I got mad at Talise because she wouldn't stop screaming and crying, which kept Fernando up in her room. I knew he was going to get sleepy and just forget about me. I expressed this to him and he got angry, understandably so. I was acting like an ass. I know I was, I am disappointed in my self. I feel like I am second, and that my feelings don't matter to him. I do not want every night to be an argument with him to get him to make love to me. I want our child conceived out of love, not anger. Afterwards ( I did manage to get my way), he told me to please don't announce what I have planned for the evening because it makes it feel like a demand which causes him to resist. I understand that perfectly. He also asked me to please try to not cry so much. I feel bad for him, but I also feel like he couldn't possibly want this child as much as I do or else he wouldn't say things like that. He doesn't feel that this should be so hard, well I don't either, but it is! Oh, and I spoke to my doctors nurse yesterday, she gave me a really hard time about the opks, so I am going to go buy some. Also, I have to go in for an ultrasound on Tuesday at 2:00, to see if I have mature follicles and to see if I am about to ovulate. We'll see.
Friday, February 16, 2007
So far today I have bawled like a big baby over t.v.! I have tivo, so I recorded my shows last night. Fernando totally made up to me. He said all day he worried that when he came home that I wouldn't speak to him and he'd have to face another night without me. He apologized for not coming to me when he heard me crying. When we went to bed he kissed me. Not just a peckgoodnight, but a real kiss. The kind of kiss I long for, the kind that made me fall in love with him the first time. The kiss that erases all things ugly. I needed that kiss, I am thankful for it. I am undeserving of it, and yet it was mine all the same. So this morning with that on my mind, started out great. Then I watched Grey's Anatomy. I cried and cried. It was so emotional. Now I have to go get dressed to go to luch with Stephanie and Tiffany, if she doesn't find a way out of it. We'll see. Oh I wasn't able to temp this morning because the stupid cat got locked up in our bedroom and was scratching at the door to get out. I had to get out of bed to keep from screaming! But I have had an unusual amount of ewcm.
Thursday, February 15, 2007
I was right about my husband yesterday. I went to church, and afterwards I stopped got got him something to eat and some meds for his back. I came in the house and he had cooked dinner, which he knows I DO NOT find romantic in any way. He doesn't even cook food that I like. He did that for himself. He didn't eat what I went out and bought him, he didn't even look in the bag of goods I had gotten him. I took a shower and got all dolled up in something sexy. He walked past me like I was not there. I was so hurt. Finally after he went to bed I came in there and asked him how could he treat me this way? I specifically told him several free things that he could've done to show me that I am important to him. He said that I bitch so much that he tunes me out. He said he didn't hear me! I told him that I was extremely let down and disappointed in him. I left the room and started bawling. My daughter came out of her room to see what was the matter. She was upset that I was upset. She wanted to fix it so badly. I felt awful. I pulled myself together and told her to just go to bed that everything was fine. I haven't heard anything from him yet today. I thought maybe he would try to make it up to me, but so far nothing. I have a headache, I've had it for three days, I think it's the Clomid. My breasts are still tender and now I am crampy and my lower back aches. I pray that this cycle is ours! I pray that I find a decent job close to home soon. One where I enjoy my coworkers as much as I did my last job. I miss it there. I do not miss trying to find a sitter every week for Friday evenings. I really hope I find an overnight or day shift position. I really want to work in CT, but so far I haven't had the opportunity. I will continue to pray.
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
Well, it is 11:07 a.m. and so far no word from my husband. Last night he said he wasn't much of a gift giver and previously he said that he doesn't buy cards. I have lived without birthday, mothers day, or valentines day presents for 9 years now. I am fed up! He knows what I am going through. He claims that he has no money, which technically is true right now, but I told him that he doesn't have to buy me something. Just doing something that shows me that you care. He could write me a love letter, or draw me a picture (he's very talented). When we were dating he made me a J out of dirt and he painted it. Somehow it has stayed in one piece. I still have it in a ring box in my jewelry armoire. That meant so much to me. I am a simple girl, I don't require a lot of stuff. Appreciation would be nice though. I am on my second day of Clomid. I received my preseed in the mail today. I am anxious to get this show on the road! Well, I am officially pissed off! Fernando has called me three times and hasn't once mentioned valentines day! I called him to ask what time he is getting off of work, and he wanted to know what for! Most people would think thier spouse is just messing with them, I think mine is selfish and clueless! I feel like crying!
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
I am starting my second cycle of Clomid today. I took it this morning and my breasts are already tender. When my cycle started last Friday I nearly lost it. I do not understand why it is so difficult for me to concieve. I've already had one child, I thought that was supposed to make it easier - WRONG! I am so nervous. I've got this cycle and next month and then it's on to more testing and IUI. I really don't want it to come to that. I can't even look at my daughter's baby book without crying. Last month this medicine made me nuts. My face broke out, I was outta control, I had headaches and was very achy. My cycle was shortened though. It was 40 days before and while on Clomid it went down to 29. My cycle has been pretty uneventful too. It's already almost over and I have barely had any cramping. That is highly unusual, I usually have an awful time. I am obsessed with baby names, right now I really like Annaleigh, Neela, and Romilly for a girl and Grant, Gage, and Kingston for a boy. My husband only likes Annaleigh and Grant. I'm sure by the time I get pregnant and the baby gets here we'll have something completely different. I decided not to do the opk's this cycle. It just made me crazy last cycle and I ended up taking them too early in the day so it was a waste of money anyways. We discussed this last night and agreed that we will just have sex more than last month. Probably from cd10-20 or until my temp goes up for a few days. I guess that's it for today.