Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Six Fabulous Years

My sweet doodlebug is turning six this month. She's such an outstanding girl. She is so smart, artistic, funny and warm. She is such a loving big sister, especially to Bree. They seem to have a special bond. She is a typical little sister, aggravating Emma to no end. She wants to be like her older sister and it drives Emma insane. She is a great helper. She is a honor roll student. She is full of energy and very strong willed. She is looking forward to her birthday party. Planning has been fun. She picked out the invitations and helped me put them together. She is having an art party this year. They will be painting and we went last week to pick out the picture the kids will be taught to paint. She is really excited about that. Mylie asks to draw every single day. She is a creative girl and enjoys showing off her work. We went on pinterest to look at custom cakes for her to choose from. She is stoked about that. She chose a castle cake. I hope it turns out like the picture. I am so blessed to have this little girl in my life. I tried for 6.5 years to get pregnant with her. I prayed, begged God for another child. I had an easy pregnancy, fast and smooth labor, and laughed as she was born. It was such a happy event. She was calm and beautiful. Mylie was an easy going baby. Very cautious and playful. She's always loved to cuddle.I sing to her every night before, even though I can't carry a tune in a bucket. She snuggles up to smiling and always tells me how beautiful I sound. She has such a sweet spirit. She can find a reason to  compliment every person she encounters. I hope she stays that way, finding the good in others. She is forgiving and quick to apologize when she thinks she has hurt someone. She can hear a song on the radio one time and be able to sing it afterwards. She loves to swim and going to the beach. Mylie loves when Emma dresses her up, putting makeup on her and styling her hair. She likes to go outside with Bronson and play with the side walk chalk. She encourages him and tells him how good his drawing is. She always says, you did your best. She likes tickling Bree and making her giggle. Bree sounds so cute when she laughs and Mylie is just the goofiest girl ever. Mylie loves me. I can tell without her saying it. That's my favorite part. I know I'm her mom so it may sound crazy. Every loves their mom. Its different though. Maybe it's because of the like I feel from her as well. We have fun together. Every time I leave the house she has to hug and kiss me. She's so genuine when she does. The past six years have been fabulous. I thank God for them. I look forward to at least 50 more!

Monday, March 17, 2014

How do you know?

I've been dealing with a lot lately.  Big stuff. Mind numbing, I NEVER wanted to experience stuff. Things that will not leave my mind no matter how hard I try. I cry often. Any time alone immediately brings thoughts that I don't want in my head. Taking a shower and here they come. Invading my peace, bringing forth so much despair, anger, resentment. Driving to work I have gotten so consumed with them that I've missed my exit and ended up late from having to back track once I realised my error. Laying in bed, I cannot sleep. I think and rethink every possible thing I should have seen, or known but didn't. W. aves of guilt, rage, betrayal get my adrenaline pumping. My days are spent in exhaustion but I can stay busy. I clean, a lot. Someone hurt my child and I wasn't there to stop it. I couldn't protect them. I can't find the proper words to describe how that makes me feel. Failure. Sorry. Confused. Anger isn't a strong enough word. As soon as I knew I started doing everything I can to help them heal. It's a traumatizing process. DFCS, police detectives, forensics..the more I know the worse it is. I have a constant headache. I have stomach upset. When I try to talk about it with the investigators I start shaking badly which embarrasses me tons. I hurt SO much for my child. My baby that I begged for. How could I not know? My child is safe now. We have a long road ahead of us but progress is being made. I'd really like justice as well. I'm not sure that will happen though. I am pursuing it.  So I've had all this weight on me from this and the psychotic mess from my sister in law creating that profile from a previous post and nearly constant disapproval from other in laws. I broke down. I've had my fill. I believe in letting yourself feel what you need to feel. Experience it and move forward but I feel trapped in chaos. Belittling, hurtful, damaging chaos. I reached out. The physical symptoms of my anxiety and constant upset were getting the better of me. I found a wonderful counselor to speak with. What a blessing. She strongly recommended me see my primary physician for something to take the edge off. I was a blubbering, trembling mess. I'm lucky she didn't ship me right off to the loony bin. She didn't though. She made me feel a lot better and made a lot of since. I'm building up to something, promise. After my mother in law got a copy of the police report I had to file against my sister in law she came over with it. She was going on and on about how it proved nothing. She ended up getting me really upset. It seems no matter what my sister in law does the family somehow either justifies it, doesn't believe it or makes it my fault. I told my husband it would happen before she ever got a copy. I have been trying to pull away from everyone for my own emotional safety. I love my mother in law, but I may have to pull away from her as well. I changed my phone number and didn't give it to any of my in laws. I just can't take anymore nonsense. I am too emotionally fragile right now. I need to focus on healing my child and myself. Well, my husband calls me Sunday at work. Apparently his parents are splitting up and his mom wants to stay a week with his sister and a week with us. I love his mom, but she enabled his sister to have access to me a lot. She may not now, but after everything that has gone on I just don't know if it's a good idea. Plus, I'm kind of her sounding board. I know everyone needs one, and normally I don't mind. It's just that I usually end up getting angry about something that was said about me to her by someone else that she lets slip.  I am so torn. I don't want to turn her down when she needs us, but I really need to heal and I think it would be detrimental to that. Plus, she's made us aware that she needed to focus on other things in the past when we needed her. I just don't know. I wish their were a definite right answer. i don't want to hurt anyone, myself included.

Friday, March 14, 2014

People pleasing

It may seem contrary to the truth, but I am a people pleaser. I  often put up a front  to seem tougher than I truly am. The last three years have been trying at best. I've had so many blessings. I've grown closer to my father, as have my husband and children. I moved, married, had a baby and moved again. My children are doing well and are healthy. I no longer have the financial stresses I had previously. I pack lunches for my kids, drive them back and forth to school and attend as many functions as possible. When they mention something they want or need I make sure they have it one way or another. I cook dinner more nights than not and we sit as a family to eat it. I clean the house everyday, change out their sheets and pick up their rooms. I stop at two different places in the mornings to make sure everyone has what they want for breakfast on the way to school, which is a 20 minute drive as they both attend out of district. I make sure my husband comes home to a clean house and a hot meal. I cook to his preferences as he is a picky eater. I make sure to buy snacks that he likes so he will eat while he is at work. I call and schedule his Dr's appointments and usually pick up his prescriptions. I consult him on just about everything out of respect. If he mentions something he wants or needs I make sure he gets it. I say all this because I love them all. This is one of the ways I show it. I kiss and dote on as well. When I am out and see something that makes me think of someone I buy it. I like to send random cards or texts to let people know how much they mean to me. I'm not bragging or showing off my greatness. I do all this because quite the opposite is true. I am far from great or perfect. All I want is the same out of others. Acceptance. Love even though I'm not perfect.  Proof of it. I've reached out to those that condemn me. I've done everything I know to do to make it right. I've apologized even when I didn't feel wrong. I've sat through talk after talk even though I didn't feel heard. I quit blogging for a while because it upset others. After speaking with a professional I've come to realize that I need to do what is best for me. I cannot control the actions of others I can talk until I am blue in the face and I cannot make them see my point of view or accept me. I cannot make people like me.  At this point all I can do is protect myself. So I am setting more boundaries. I am speaking to a professional. I am pulling back from all things that have caused me upset.  I cannot be a good wife when I am upset at things my husband cannot control but are related to him. He feels trapped in the middle and it causes turmoil between us.  I cannot be a good mom when I am stressed to the max about things I have no control over. As my therapist said, as much a you want a dumpster to be a corvette its a dumpster. It cannot be a corvette so why try to change it. I am only making myself nuts. I will do my best to stop trying to please everyone else and work on pleasing myself. If I am happy with myself then I am a better, more loving wife and mother. So that's what I shall focus on. I want to be the best me I can be. My goal is not to upset other people, but I will start either removing myself from the situation or  stopping the conversation. I will defend myself. I will do my best to stay respectful as I feel shameful when I am not. No more people pleasing.

Thursday, March 13, 2014

Remember coming undone?

Well I can now talk about some of it. A little back story. I met my husband through an online dating website that his sister put him on. Oh the irony. Well, when we met his sister, her husband and their two kids lived with him. From what he told me, rent free. They say otherwise. I don't know truly, but I choose to believe my husband because I heard him ask for 1/2 of the electric bill money  at least three times before he told me he got it and he often complained that she said they'd provide groceries but his fridge was usually bare. His sister and I got along fine. I used to hang out with her while waiting for him to come home from work. Then all of a sudden he says that she is telling him that I am being rude to her when I come over. I just go straight to my then boyfriends room until he gets home. Turns out, he had asked her to move out within a few months. He said her first question was is he going to move me in. At that time he had not asked me too, but shortly after he did. After that she would go out of her way to ignore me when I came over. Make comments so I could hear her, but not to me, things like that. It eventually came to a head on his moms birthday because she told Bryan that he had another psychotic bitch on his hands all because I slammed the bedroom door to my boyfriends bedroom in HIS house. He tried talking to her but she got mouthy, telling him to grow a pair. So he told her she had a week to get out. She woke her sleeping kids all while ranting and raving at Bryan and arguing with me. She tried to physically attack me multiple times, Bryan stepped between us. She left in the middle of the night. It has been nothing but crazy, harassing hell, family attack meetings and people turning against me since. She started stalking my facebook page through her mothers account. She'd get nuts over any compliment I paid my mother in law. She started reading this blog, passing it along to my father in law (equally crazy) and someone was showing it to my husband granny. My mother in law say her sister in law did it, her sister in law says my father in law did it. I don't care. I tried to make amends. Then his sister starts intercepting emails I send my mother in law, reads them and forwards them to herself. She gets all bent out of shape over my saying that it hurt my feelings that I didn't get a baby shower but she does. I didn't say for her not to. Hell, I bought her personalized gifts from me and both my older girls. I planned to attend. But me and my kids were excluded. I invited her over for Memorial Day to a BBQ, got no answer. I invited her to go see the last Twilight movie with me and Emma, no response. I invited her boys to my sons birthday, no response. At this point I am sick of it. So emailed her and told her I was accepting her lack of response as a regret and would order food accordingly. She tried to pawn her kids off on my in laws for them to still come. I wouldn't allow it. I am tried of her being a shitty person to me and everybody expecting me to accept it. Not anymore! I sent out a mass text wishing people a Happy New Year and she flipped out! "Really? I've told you NOT to text  me! I don't want nothing to do with the drama" As badly as I wanted to correct her grammar I just ignored it and put a block on her so it doesn't happen again. Then one evening I'm sitting here with my husband watching t.v. and I get a text of a half naked man asking for me. He tells me that he got my number through an online adult dating website. He gives me the screen name and this is what I find:

I am instantly appalled, angry, just blown away. My gut told me exactly who it was. I started contacting the website to have it taken down. The next morning, after several more texts, I contacted my local police.  My mother in law calls right after I see this. She of course starts in the Bryan's sister doesn't know my phone number, yes she does. She's texted me before. Oh well, she doesn't know your email. Well she doesn't need to, but she does because she emailed me a copy of my child breaking a board at karate class. She tries to tell me that an IP address means nothing. That's not proof. Well guess what, that's not what the detective I dealt with had to say. He said I should've been contacting him every time she pulled any crap. From here on out I will.  A report has been filed. If it continues I can have her arrested for harassment. I hope it doesn't come to that because I know it will somehow all be my fault. It always is. After all, I am tearing the family apart. If Bryan and his sister were as close as everyone tries to say no one could get in between them. I couldn't stand my ex sister in law. She never knew it, because I love my brother. I love him so much his happiness is worth me biting my tongue.

Friday, March 7, 2014


I was minding my business. Walking the cereal isle at my local grocery store. I use coupons. I'm not an extreme couponer, but having a family of six, every penny saved makes an impact. A lady coming up the same isle stops me and asks if  plan to buy any paper goods. Thanks goodness, not this time. Between tissue, diapers, pull ups, toilet paper and paper towels...good grief. It adds up. She asks me if I ever buy paper goods. Of course I do. She proceeds to hand me high value coupons good for ANY paper towels, ANY laundry detergent, ANY tissue! I was shocked. I had to find out how she got them. She told me she was a bzzagent. So when I got home I had to look this bzzagent stuff up. Well, let me tell ya, I like it. You fill out simple, short surveys and they start matching you up with products to test. Not only do they send full size products to you, but they send samples for your friends and family to try. Right now I am trying out <img src="" alt=""/>
I've only used it a couple of times, but I really like that it doesn't leave my skin feeling tight or dry. I'm really excited to see the results from it. I used to have blackheads badly when I was a teen and couldn't resist the urge to pop them. As a result some of my pores are larger than I'd like them to be. My fingers are crossed that this stuff will shrink them right up. I'll keep my blog updated to the results when I've used it for 30 days.