tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-46138710672571215012024-03-13T12:36:11.870-04:00Neurotic Ramblings of a Control Freakmanaging relationships I cannot manage!Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04997973416108335225noreply@blogger.comBlogger398125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4613871067257121501.post-17264164418611597992014-07-11T14:44:00.002-04:002014-07-11T14:44:27.010-04:00Can't win for losingThat's how I've been feeling lately. I guess stress has gotten the best of me because I have been feeling super grumpy. I hate it. This week and last I've worked an extra day during the week which has messed up our whole routine. My kids get really upset when that happens. We've been getting prepared for vacation, which in a family of six is a big ordeal. My older girls have been such troopers helping me out. I haven't been the easiest person to be around. When I feel myself teetering crazy I tell them I need quiet time. Most of the time it works, other times not so much. Yesterday as a reward for helping me deep clean the house we went to get pedicures. Just me and my two oldest girls. We had really gotten busy tidying up the house and were tired. We deserved it. It was a first for me and Mylie. I had a great time. We relaxed and laughed, just enjoyed being together. It was great. As soon as we got home my mood shifted. Bree was following me around crying non stop. She was hungry and sweaty from being outside with Bryan. Bryan was finishing up waxing my car, which I am so grateful for. I had to figure out dinner, bathe the kids and start another load of laundry. Normally that is no big deal. For some reason I could feel my shoulders tighten and start to ache. Then anger just sort of washed over me. I really had to focus on my temperament to keep from being completely hateful. Every little thing bothered me. Emma came up and rubbed my neck and shoulders for me, without my asking. That little gesture meant so much. I stayed on edged until I had a big ugly cry after the kids went to bed. Bryan said he's noticed that I've been edgy for the last couple of weeks. Ever since the incident I previously wrote about. Today has been much of the same. The kids wanted to go to the pool. Mylie tried to help by getting Bronson in his swim trunks and swim diaper. Why that annoyed me, I do not know. It did though. Then when I came downstairs there was food on the floor which I don't like on my best day. I started barking orders while we cleaned up the down stairs. I checked Bronson's swim diaper, it was too small. I get him changed and start putting Bree in her suit and it starts raining. The kids start melting down and so do I. Emma asks me what is wrong with me lately. I don't know. I truly don't. I don't like it. So, I take some deep breaths and try to calm down. After I feel a bit more relaxed I get on the floor and play with the kids. They eat it up. All three little ones are all over me. I'm tickling and kissing and it's so much fun. We do this until we are all winded. I go to Emma's room to play with her. I know she's a teen but she still needs attention and affection. I try to tickle her and hug her. I have to wrestle her to do it. She says to me, one minute you're all mad the next you're trying to play with me. It's true. The thing is, I'm doing my best. I am human. I don't like when I get angry or sad. I don't like them seeing me as mean towards them or anybody else for that matter. It happens though. It sucks when it does. Her saying that makes me feel like I can't win. I try to calm myself and still the negative wins. I am a firm believer in we choose our behavior. So why is it so easy to choose to show ugliness to the ones that are so important to me? I don't like it. I will try to do better. Stay calmer. It can be quite difficult.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04997973416108335225noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4613871067257121501.post-65069701825582214922014-07-02T11:13:00.000-04:002014-07-02T11:13:58.305-04:00Omg! My kid is trying to give me a stroke.Disclaimer: I am not going into specifics to protect the <strike>stupidity</strike> privacy of my children.<br />
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Well the contentment didn't last long. Things have definitely been spinning out of my control. I feel like I'm circling the drain, holding on with whatever I've got. I'm questioning every choice I've ever made the entire time I've been a parent. To be quite honest, it sucks. That's the nicest way I can think to put it. I cannot wrap my mind around the situation I'm having to deal with. I am completely blown away by the amount of deception and manipulation that has been used against me. Although I do not feel the intention was to cause hurt or mistrust, it did a lot. When I had my first child an overwhelming sense to protect took hold of me. As soon as I saw a positive test I did everything I could think of to be a good mother. Maybe I was misguided or maybe it just wasn't enough. I tried though. Anyone that knows me knows I'm very protective. I'm involved. I have rules. I don't let my children just go out with their friends, I have to meet the parents. I have to know what they are planning to let them do. I have to know that parents are going to be supervising them, that they won't be dropped off somewhere. I get a lot of grief because of that. I honestly don't care though. I'm the parent, not a friend. I don't have to allow things just because another parent does. Still, it wasn't enough. No one warns you before you have children how difficult it is when they become independent. Not just from the pain in the ass stuff like getting into things. When they can make their own mistakes, important ones, and you can't do squat about it. That instinct to protect doesn't lesson as they grow. For me it has intensified. Knowing I only can do so much to keep my babies out of harms way brings me extreme anxiety. That anxiety often provokes me to snoop. My kids know I do it. I do it in front of them. I buy all their things so I feel I have every right to go through them when ever I feel the need to. I do my best to be calm about anything I find that upsets me. I talk to my children about our family values and respecting themselves. I praise them at every opportunity to help build a positive self worth. I am one of those look for the good parents. I try to guide them on their accomplishments rather than just correct negative behaviors. Even with all that, the only thing that matters is what they choose to do with what I teach them. They are human. They tend to prefer to learn the hard way as most of us do. It seems that regardless of all that I do to protect them, it's just not enough. Trouble has a way of finding us. I don't know what else to do. I am conflicted. I try to maintain a balance and give a sense of privacy. With all the lies and manipulation I find that hard to do.I don't want to be so over the top protective that as soon as they get out of the house they run wild. Yet, I refuse to allow certain behaviors while I have a say. It's quite difficult to manage. A very thin line to walk. I will continue on and do whatever I need to in order to guide them correctly. But like I said before, this sucks.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04997973416108335225noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4613871067257121501.post-32993760514201282642014-06-06T12:25:00.003-04:002014-06-06T12:25:46.892-04:00Summer is here and brought with it contentmentThings have been really peaceful lately. The kids finished up their school year. Mylie got several awards, including all A honor roll all year. We are proud. The pool is open and the weather is nice. We've been spending most afternoons there. Emma's had company come stay with us. It's been fun. Bree has really adapted to the water. Her bravery can be uncomfortable for me. Either me or Bryan try to stay close to her at all times. Mylie is part fish apparently. She doesn't even use her floats. Bronson does his own thing mostly. Every now and then he'll ask me to take him out where his feet can't touch. It's nice cause the pool is made like the beach in the sense that as you walk it gradually gets deeper until you step down from 2 feet to 3 feet. So far all our neighbors we've met at the pool have been quite nice. We had new neighbor's move in next door as well. The guy is friendly and seems to have a bubbly personality. I haven't met his wife yet.They don't have children which is kind of a bummer. The ladies in the sales office say that the people moving in behind us have kids. I hope so. We've spent a lot of time outside. Grilling most of our food, letting the kids run through the sprinkler and eat their weight in ice pops. As I was speaking to my husband the other night I realized, since I've pulled away from anyone that has proven toxic to my mental health I have been at peace. Bryan and I have had much fewer disagreements. He hasn't felt pulled between our family and his. It's been nice. It's unfortunate that this is my reality. I think too much was shared. I am a good listener. People often open up to me. I am also loyal, so what is said is kept to myself. I listened whenever a vent was needed. I heard so many hurtful things that were said about me and I was asked to keep them inside. I truly don't think it was to upset me. I believe in my heart it was just nice to get it all out. Everyone needs someone to talk to. It just got to be too much. I didn't want to betray the trust of someone dear to me. It was just overwhelming trying to hold it in. Realizing that I am the odd man out, and will most often be viewed as in the wrong has taught me to invest less emotion into these people. I still haven't spilled the beans. I don't want to cause any heartache. Just not hearing anymore negativity has improved my disposition tremendously. I will hang onto hope for change in the future.Until then, I will keep my focus on those that I love and that love me in return. It seems that is my therapy. My babies bring me unconditional love and pure joy. My husband and the life we've made together is fantastic. We are immensely blessed. Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04997973416108335225noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4613871067257121501.post-62370629813128332512014-04-16T15:38:00.000-04:002014-06-06T11:31:57.649-04:00True Colors<span style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="font-size: large;">People can't hide their true identity forever. You know, we all do it. Put our best foot forward when we first meet people. Presenting our best selves. As relationships develop tidbits of our true feelings peek out. Often when we see sides of the people we care about that we don't like we just over look it. Rather than trust our intuition, we continue on as if nothing was given. All is sunshine and happiness.</span></span> <span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;">I do it more often than I'd like to admit. I wish I would just follow my gut. I feel guilty when I think badly of someone. When I get that uneasy vibe I just brush it off. Doing that has burned me so many times. I've had a lot on my plate emotionally lately. My family has been going through some <strike>difficult</strike> horrible things. Dealing with the aftermath of it all has some of us in counseling. I am one of those seeing a therapist. So when someone that has betrayed my trust and invited drama into my life needed help I was hesitant and spoke to my dear therapist about it. She strongly advised against it. I care about the person in need a great deal even though I feel like I cannot trust them. I did not want them to feel unimportant, or be hurt by my not helping. So, in spite of my doctors orders I said OK. I will admit, I had to take a Xanax to be there for the person without breaking down myself. Well that was about a month ago and things have been alright until Sunday. The main story is second hand as I was working at the time, but this is what I was told. My sweet baby thinks she is too big for her high chair. She wanted a snack. She saw Emma eating some chips and salsa so she pulled her tiny self into one of our breakfast chairs and stood at the table. We've told her several times not to stand in the chair. She's 18 months old though. She's either too determined to be big like the others or doesn't have the impulse control to not do it. Probably a bit of both. Mylie decided she wanted some grapes and asked Emma to get some for her. As Emma was getting the grapes, Bree turned in her chair and reached for the door. When she did the chair tipped and Bree's precious little face slammed into our freezer. Like I said,I was at work. I was just starting to eat lunch when Bryan calls. I hear Bree screaming in the background. He asks me if you treat a nosebleed in a child like you would an adult. When I asked him why he said Bree's nose was bleeding from both nostrils and blood was pooling in her mouth. I immediately panicked and called one of our Dr.'s at work and told him what happened. He felt like Bree needed to be seen. I told Bryan to call his mom to watch the kids and get Bree down here. He said OK and we hung up. For some reason I felt compelled</span></span> <span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;">to call his mom myself. When she answered she said she just got off the phone with Bryan. She had just finished loading her car to take Bryan's dad the last of his things to his rehabilitation center. She said Bryan should be calling me then. He was, so I hung up with her thinking he reached her in the nick of time. He proceeds to tell me that she said NO! His dad had been at rehab for 3 days at that point and wasn't going anywhere. Bree is her grand baby. She could have a broken nose or worse and she said no. I've heard her talk of meeting Bryan's sister at the hospital because one of her kids had a fever. Hell, she's talked about staying up all night and checking on Bryan's sister every 30 minutes because she didn't feel well. She stayed at her house and took care of her baby so his sister could rest. To me her actions, or lack there of is a huge red flag. Her lack of response or concern for her grand child is unforgivable. I am utterly, hopelessly disappointed. The only other person in his family I felt close to has let my baby down. That straight pisses me off. What's worse is all of my family is out of state and my friends are either out of state or live far from me. Thank goodness for my co-workers and therapist. They all let me vent and help me see the other side of a situation. I am pulling away from all of his family for a while. </span></span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04997973416108335225noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4613871067257121501.post-55433235215709908772014-03-19T12:47:00.002-04:002014-03-19T12:47:23.701-04:00Six Fabulous Years<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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My sweet doodlebug is turning six this month. She's such an outstanding girl. She is so smart, artistic, funny and warm. She is such a loving big sister, especially to Bree. They seem to have a special bond. She is a typical little sister, aggravating Emma to no end. She wants to be like her older sister and it drives Emma insane. She is a great helper. She is a honor roll student. She is full of energy and very strong willed. She is looking forward to her birthday party. Planning has been fun. She picked out the invitations and helped me put them together. She is having an art party this year. They will be painting and we went last week to pick out the picture the kids will be taught to paint. She is really excited about that. Mylie asks to draw every single day. She is a creative girl and enjoys showing off her work. We went on pinterest to look at custom cakes for her to choose from. She is stoked about that. She chose a castle cake. I hope it turns out like the picture. I am so blessed to have this little girl in my life. I tried for 6.5 years to get pregnant with her. I prayed, begged God for another child. I had an easy pregnancy, fast and smooth labor, and laughed as she was born. It was such a happy event. She was calm and beautiful. Mylie was an easy going baby. Very cautious and playful. She's always loved to cuddle.I sing to her every night before, even though I can't carry a tune in a bucket. She snuggles up to smiling and always tells me how beautiful I sound. She has such a sweet spirit. She can find a reason to compliment every person she encounters. I hope she stays that way, finding the good in others. She is forgiving and quick to apologize when she thinks she has hurt someone. She can hear a song on the radio one time and be able to sing it afterwards. She loves to swim and going to the beach. Mylie loves when Emma dresses her up, putting makeup on her and styling her hair. She likes to go outside with Bronson and play with the side walk chalk. She encourages him and tells him how good his drawing is. She always says, you did your best. She likes tickling Bree and making her giggle. Bree sounds so cute when she laughs and Mylie is just the goofiest girl ever. Mylie loves me. I can tell without her saying it. That's my favorite part. I know I'm her mom so it may sound crazy. Every loves their mom. Its different though. Maybe it's because of the like I feel from her as well. We have fun together. Every time I leave the house she has to hug and kiss me. She's so genuine when she does. The past six years have been fabulous. I thank God for them. I look forward to at least 50 more!<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04997973416108335225noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4613871067257121501.post-88378718319350504752014-03-17T17:06:00.007-04:002014-03-17T17:06:59.246-04:00How do you know?I've been dealing with a lot lately. Big stuff. Mind numbing, I NEVER wanted to experience stuff. Things that will not leave my mind no matter how hard I try. I cry often. Any time alone immediately brings thoughts that I don't want in my head. Taking a shower and here they come. Invading my peace, bringing forth so much despair, anger, resentment. Driving to work I have gotten so consumed with them that I've missed my exit and ended up late from having to back track once I realised my error. Laying in bed, I cannot sleep. I think and rethink every possible thing I should have seen, or known but didn't. W. aves of guilt, rage, betrayal get my adrenaline pumping. My days are spent in exhaustion but I can stay busy. I clean, a lot. Someone hurt my child and I wasn't there to stop it. I couldn't protect them. I can't find the proper words to describe how that makes me feel. Failure. Sorry. Confused. Anger isn't a strong enough word. As soon as I knew I started doing everything I can to help them heal. It's a traumatizing process. DFCS, police detectives, forensics..the more I know the worse it is. I have a constant headache. I have stomach upset. When I try to talk about it with the investigators I start shaking badly which embarrasses me tons. I hurt SO much for my child. My baby that I begged for. How could I not know? My child is safe now. We have a long road ahead of us but progress is being made. I'd really like justice as well. I'm not sure that will happen though. I am pursuing it. So I've had all this weight on me from this and the psychotic mess from my sister in law creating that profile from a previous post and nearly constant disapproval from other in laws. I broke down. I've had my fill. I believe in letting yourself feel what you need to feel. Experience it and move forward but I feel trapped in chaos. Belittling, hurtful, damaging chaos. I reached out. The physical symptoms of my anxiety and constant upset were getting the better of me. I found a wonderful counselor to speak with. What a blessing. She strongly recommended me see my primary physician for something to take the edge off. I was a blubbering, trembling mess. I'm lucky she didn't ship me right off to the loony bin. She didn't though. She made me feel a lot better and made a lot of since. I'm building up to something, promise. After my mother in law got a copy of the police report I had to file against my sister in law she came over with it. She was going on and on about how it proved nothing. She ended up getting me really upset. It seems no matter what my sister in law does the family somehow either justifies it, doesn't believe it or makes it my fault. I told my husband it would happen before she ever got a copy. I have been trying to pull away from everyone for my own emotional safety. I love my mother in law, but I may have to pull away from her as well. I changed my phone number and didn't give it to any of my in laws. I just can't take anymore nonsense. I am too emotionally fragile right now. I need to focus on healing my child and myself. Well, my husband calls me Sunday at work. Apparently his parents are splitting up and his mom wants to stay a week with his sister and a week with us. I love his mom, but she enabled his sister to have access to me a lot. She may not now, but after everything that has gone on I just don't know if it's a good idea. Plus, I'm kind of her sounding board. I know everyone needs one, and normally I don't mind. It's just that I usually end up getting angry about something that was said about me to her by someone else that she lets slip. I am so torn. I don't want to turn her down when she needs us, but I really need to heal and I think it would be detrimental to that. Plus, she's made us aware that she needed to focus on other things in the past when we needed her. I just don't know. I wish their were a definite right answer. i don't want to hurt anyone, myself included.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04997973416108335225noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4613871067257121501.post-76401424260645916472014-03-14T17:48:00.001-04:002014-03-14T18:47:50.448-04:00People pleasingIt may seem contrary to the truth, but I am a people pleaser. I often put up a front to seem tougher than I truly am. The last three years have been trying at best. I've had so many blessings. I've grown closer to my father, as have my husband and children. I moved, married, had a baby and moved again. My children are doing well and are healthy. I no longer have the financial stresses I had previously. I pack lunches for my kids, drive them back and forth to school and attend as many functions as possible. When they mention something they want or need I make sure they have it one way or another. I cook dinner more nights than not and we sit as a family to eat it. I clean the house everyday, change out their sheets and pick up their rooms. I stop at two different places in the mornings to make sure everyone has what they want for breakfast on the way to school, which is a 20 minute drive as they both attend out of district. I make sure my husband comes home to a clean house and a hot meal. I cook to his preferences as he is a picky eater. I make sure to buy snacks that he likes so he will eat while he is at work. I call and schedule his Dr's appointments and usually pick up his prescriptions. I consult him on just about everything out of respect. If he mentions something he wants or needs I make sure he gets it. I say all this because I love them all. This is one of the ways I show it. I kiss and dote on as well. When I am out and see something that makes me think of someone I buy it. I like to send random cards or texts to let people know how much they mean to me. I'm not bragging or showing off my greatness. I do all this because quite the opposite is true. I am far from great or perfect. All I want is the same out of others. Acceptance. Love even though I'm not perfect. Proof of it. I've reached out to those that condemn me. I've done everything I know to do to make it right. I've apologized even when I didn't feel wrong. I've sat through talk after talk even though I didn't feel heard. I quit blogging for a while because it upset others. After speaking with a professional I've come to realize that I need to do what is best for me. I cannot control the actions of others I can talk until I am blue in the face and I cannot make them see my point of view or accept me. I cannot make people like me. At this point all I can do is protect myself. So I am setting more boundaries. I am speaking to a professional. I am pulling back from all things that have caused me upset. I cannot be a good wife when I am upset at things my husband cannot control but are related to him. He feels trapped in the middle and it causes turmoil between us. I cannot be a good mom when I am stressed to the max about things I have no control over. As my therapist said, as much a you want a dumpster to be a corvette its a dumpster. It cannot be a corvette so why try to change it. I am only making myself nuts. I will do my best to stop trying to please everyone else and work on pleasing myself. If I am happy with myself then I am a better, more loving wife and mother. So that's what I shall focus on. I want to be the best me I can be. My goal is not to upset other people, but I will start either removing myself from the situation or stopping the conversation. I will defend myself. I will do my best to stay respectful as I feel shameful when I am not. No more people pleasing. Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04997973416108335225noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4613871067257121501.post-28863566864585830192014-03-13T16:08:00.002-04:002014-03-13T16:08:43.773-04:00Remember coming undone?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Well I can now talk about some of it. A little back story. I met my husband through an online dating website that his sister put him on. Oh the irony. Well, when we met his sister, her husband and their two kids lived with him. From what he told me, rent free. They say otherwise. I don't know truly, but I choose to believe my husband because I heard him ask for 1/2 of the electric bill money at least three times before he told me he got it and he often complained that she said they'd provide groceries but his fridge was usually bare. His sister and I got along fine. I used to hang out with her while waiting for him to come home from work. Then all of a sudden he says that she is telling him that I am being rude to her when I come over. I just go straight to my then boyfriends room until he gets home. Turns out, he had asked her to move out within a few months. He said her first question was is he going to move me in. At that time he had not asked me too, but shortly after he did. After that she would go out of her way to ignore me when I came over. Make comments so I could hear her, but not to me, things like that. It eventually came to a head on his moms birthday because she told Bryan that he had another psychotic bitch on his hands all because I slammed the bedroom door to my boyfriends bedroom in HIS house. He tried talking to her but she got mouthy, telling him to grow a pair. So he told her she had a week to get out. She woke her sleeping kids all while ranting and raving at Bryan and arguing with me. She tried to physically attack me multiple times, Bryan stepped between us. She left in the middle of the night. It has been nothing but crazy, harassing hell, family attack meetings and people turning against me since. She started stalking my facebook page through her mothers account. She'd get nuts over any compliment I paid my mother in law. She started reading this blog, passing it along to my father in law (equally crazy) and someone was showing it to my husband granny. My mother in law say her sister in law did it, her sister in law says my father in law did it. I don't care. I tried to make amends. Then his sister starts intercepting emails I send my mother in law, reads them and forwards them to herself. She gets all bent out of shape over my saying that it hurt my feelings that I didn't get a baby shower but she does. I didn't say for her not to. Hell, I bought her personalized gifts from me and both my older girls. I planned to attend. But me and my kids were excluded. I invited her over for Memorial Day to a BBQ, got no answer. I invited her to go see the last Twilight movie with me and Emma, no response. I invited her boys to my sons birthday, no response. At this point I am sick of it. So emailed her and told her I was accepting her lack of response as a regret and would order food accordingly. She tried to pawn her kids off on my in laws for them to still come. I wouldn't allow it. I am tried of her being a shitty person to me and everybody expecting me to accept it. Not anymore! I sent out a mass text wishing people a Happy New Year and she flipped out! "Really? I've told you NOT to text me! I don't want nothing to do with the drama" As badly as I wanted to correct her grammar I just ignored it and put a block on her so it doesn't happen again. Then one evening I'm sitting here with my husband watching t.v. and I get a text of a half naked man asking for me. He tells me that he got my number through an online adult dating website. He gives me the screen name and this is what I find:<br />
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I am instantly appalled, angry, just blown away. My gut told me exactly who it was. I started contacting the website to have it taken down. The next morning, after several more texts, I contacted my local police. My mother in law calls right after I see this. She of course starts in the Bryan's sister doesn't know my phone number, yes she does. She's texted me before. Oh well, she doesn't know your email. Well she doesn't need to, but she does because she emailed me a copy of my child breaking a board at karate class. She tries to tell me that an IP address means nothing. That's not proof. Well guess what, that's not what the detective I dealt with had to say. He said I should've been contacting him every time she pulled any crap. From here on out I will. A report has been filed. If it continues I can have her arrested for harassment. I hope it doesn't come to that because I know it will somehow all be my fault. It always is. After all, I am tearing the family apart. If Bryan and his sister were as close as everyone tries to say no one could get in between them. I couldn't stand my ex sister in law. She never knew it, because I love my brother. I love him so much his happiness is worth me biting my tongue. Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04997973416108335225noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4613871067257121501.post-53402993804589147222014-03-07T13:41:00.001-05:002014-03-07T13:41:20.846-05:00BzzI was minding my business. Walking the cereal isle at my local grocery store. I use coupons. I'm not an extreme couponer, but having a family of six, every penny saved makes an impact. A lady coming up the same isle stops me and asks if plan to buy any paper goods. Thanks goodness, not this time. Between tissue, diapers, pull ups, toilet paper and paper towels...good grief. It adds up. She asks me if I ever buy paper goods. Of course I do. She proceeds to hand me high value coupons good for ANY paper towels, ANY laundry detergent, ANY tissue! I was shocked. I had to find out how she got them. She told me she was a <a href="https://www.bzzagent.com/member/MemberHome.do">bzzagent</a>. So when I got home I had to look this <a href="https://www.bzzagent.com/member/MemberHome.do">bzzagent</a> stuff up. Well, let me tell ya, I like it. You fill out simple, short surveys and they start matching you up with products to test. Not only do they send full size products to you, but they send samples for your friends and family to try. Right now I am trying out <img src="https://img.bzzagent.com/image/paulasChoice.jpg?Type=activity&Activity=2053016802&Campaign=4586068403&Uid=1617336&token=9594baefe2e9822078e7bc5852f3222a" alt=""/><br />
I've only used it a couple of times, but I really like that it doesn't leave my skin feeling tight or dry. I'm really excited to see the results from it. I used to have blackheads badly when I was a teen and couldn't resist the urge to pop them. As a result some of my pores are larger than I'd like them to be. My fingers are crossed that this stuff will shrink them right up. I'll keep my blog updated to the results when I've used it for 30 days. <br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04997973416108335225noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4613871067257121501.post-9859628890622370442014-02-13T21:09:00.002-05:002014-02-13T21:09:31.301-05:00A day of loveWith Valentines Day approaching I thought I'd blog about something a bit more positive, love. I love my husband. He's quiet and keeps to himself more than I'd like. He's often difficult to interpret. I am very affectionate. I like to hold hands, cuddle and kiss. I love flowers, poems and love notes. I voice theses desires to him. They usually seem to go unheard. That is frustrating. I've said to him more than once I need more. I try to cuddle up to him at night and get pushed away because my feet are so cold. In fact, I stay cold most of the time. I wear socks, especially in the winter. Once my feet get cold forget it. My entire body is cold. I complain at night about having a difficult time falling asleep because my muscles get stiff from trying to knot up as tight as I can for warmth. Well, yesterday my husband told me that he was going to have to order my Valentines Day gift. He couldn't find it in the stores. He asked me if he could tell me what it is. I thought about it and decided sure, why not. The man that rarely shows affection, said he is getting me an electric blanket. That made me feel overwhelmed with love. He actually has been paying attention to me. He does care. He may not be as physically affectionate as I'd like but he loves me. That proves it. I am happy about that. I guess I'll keep him. Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04997973416108335225noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4613871067257121501.post-38606351451754199052014-02-13T16:50:00.003-05:002014-02-13T16:50:51.350-05:00Coming undoneI am drowning. I cannot even describe the emotions I have going through me. It's like being caught up in a tornado. Spinning out of control. Their are so many things going on in my life right now. In my family. So much deceit. I'm unsure of who can be trusted. So much intentional hurt for personal satisfaction directed at my inner circle. I am both appalled and amazed at just how horrible someone can be to their own family. What's worse is that it is coming from multiple directions. I wish I could be less vague. I'd love nothing more than to call the scumbags out and tell the world who they really are. Now is not the time though. I will wait. I hope justice prevails. It's proving quite difficult to be so quiet. I've got this though. Time will tell.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04997973416108335225noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4613871067257121501.post-6896489800857493082014-02-07T12:29:00.001-05:002014-02-07T12:29:53.172-05:00Back in the GrindMy leave is over. I went back to work last weekend. Thankfully my coworkers rock and helped me move patients. It was a really long weekend. I missed my babies terribly. The night before I went back Mylie came up to me for a second goodnight kiss and to tell me that her tummy hurt because I wasn't going to be home the next day. That both warmed and broke my heart. She has such a loving spirit. I truly enjoyed having those weekends off with my family. The evenings are so rushed during the week. Getting lunches made, homework done, baths, dinner made, everyone fed and the kitchen cleaned all between the hours of four and seven doesn't leave a whole lot of time. We sit together to eat dinner. It's nice to discuss what's new with the girls at school and family business. I always go sing to Mylie before bed too. She loves it and honestly, I do too. That's the only downfall of having four children. Trying to give them each all of you everyday. Bronson and I play while Bree naps, I sing to Mylie before bed, Emma hangs out and talks to me while I get the next day's lunches made and I play with Bree once the others are in bed. It just seems like their just isn't enough time each day to give. I do my best to engage with them all during that time. It's really busy though. Everyone has so much to say and yet both adults want to wind down a bit too. Bryan and I have time together once everyone is settled in bed though. It's really important to me that they all know how much they matter to me. I try to make sure our home is filled with love. It's filled with chaos too, but mostly love.<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04997973416108335225noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4613871067257121501.post-27339217596336916652013-12-20T14:06:00.000-05:002013-12-20T14:06:14.920-05:00A New EraThe reason for me starting the blog has come to an end. I will still write when I feel the need to. My babies are now 13, 5, 3 and 15 months. Our family is complete.I feel complete satisfaction with the size of our family. I adore each of my children and feel extremely blessed to have them. Our life has fallen into place. I have a wonderful husband. We compliment each other well. We fight just like every one else in a relationship does, but we are devoted to our family. We always find a way to compromise with each other. We are now settled into our gorgeous new home. It is large enough for each child to have a space of their own to get away to. I am so grateful for that. Emma has told me some of her friends have expressed a little envy of her because of her home and the things she has. I will admit that hearing that warms my heart. For the longest time I worried that she would be picked on for not having nice things, being poor. I drove he ugliest, run down vehicles for such a long time. She was embarrassed of them but didn't say anything at the time. Recently she admitted it. She didn't want to hurt my feelings before. It's not that I want her friends to envy her, I'm just glad that we are able to give her a life worth envy. With every thing in a good place, it made it more acceptable when my doctor said the "H" word. Since having Bree I have had a horrid time with my cycles. I have become anemic because of them. The anemia has brought on headaches all the time. At least five a week. I had dizzy spells and felt run down most of the time. My cycles were very painful. Sometimes I couldn't even stand up straight from the pain. All the symptoms made me very irritable. I tried to save my patience for the children so poor Bryan caught the brunt of my irritation. I went to the doctor more than once. We tried different birth control methods, hormones, nothing worked. So, last Friday I had a total hysterectomy. I kept my ovaries. No more periods. No more babies. I expected to grieve. I expected to feel regretful. So far that is not the case. I am healing from surgery, but otherwise feel great. I feel happy. I've felt an increased surge of love towards my husband. I feel OK. Maybe the grieving will come later. Maybe it won't. Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04997973416108335225noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4613871067257121501.post-89343290263100054902013-10-03T14:03:00.001-04:002013-10-03T14:03:41.613-04:00CelebrationsWe finally got into our brand new home. What a relief to be in a bigger environment. We are no longer all over each other and actually have some quiet. The kids adjusted quickly and love having their own spaces. It's been fun watching them pick out furniture and helping decorate their rooms. Bree is no longer a baby. She is officially a toddler. My last baby is one year old. That fact brings a tear to my eyes. Here is a peak of her first birthday pictures:<br />
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Here are some of her party pictures:<br />
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She opened presents like a professional. We are so proud of her!<br />
My other September baby is officially a teenager. Emma is 13! That blows my mind. I wasn't able to get many pictures of her celebrating, she is 13. That should be enough explanation. We celebrated at the county fair.Here are a few pictures:<br />
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It's been an eventful month!. I look forward to many more celebrations with my wonderful family in our new home.<br /><br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04997973416108335225noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4613871067257121501.post-75543266646650288902013-07-29T22:07:00.001-04:002013-07-29T22:07:07.301-04:00Not very lady likeI've been doing a lot of thinking. Trying to figure out how to handle certain situations. From a very young age I've been taught to behave properly. Act like a lady. Be polite. Be the bigger person. Be respectful and respectable. The problem is, that doesn't always work. I can go completely out of my way to be kind and if someone has decided not to like me it doesn't matter. So after great thought and discussion Ive decided why bother? Nothing I have done has changed anything. I don't want to be at all ugly to anyone. However if I am described as psycho, and unliked why not be considered psycho and unliked for good reason? I am by no means saying I will go out of my way to be spiteful, malicious or conniving in any way. I will just no longer hold back. For now on I will speak my mind. Holding it all in breeds resentment. All the resentment built up inside me is not only causing me stress but it trickles out to others. It will be difficult to let go but I bet it will be freeing as well. Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04997973416108335225noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4613871067257121501.post-5825890969306791492013-07-05T09:58:00.000-04:002013-07-29T22:07:56.366-04:00People who live in glass houses...It truly amazes me the way some people's minds work. How certain actions are justified by some, but not others. Why is it alright for one to seek out any tidbit of information that can possibly be turned into something remotely negative and it be completely accepted. In fact, not only accepted, but embraced as if they were honorable. I would love an explanation. How a general statement can be assumed and twisted. Then when people get bent out of shape over what they believe to be true, the author is at fault. Even though the upset is due to conniving and sneaky behavior. The digging, stalking, stealing of information, poor interpretation, assumptions and rewording of statements is regarded as dignified. If I am asked about what I say or write I am happy to explain. I try my best to always be accountable. I own up to whatever I put out into the world. I shouldn't have to defend my words, thoughts or feelings because someone believes that my comment is about them. If I chose to explain, what I say should be accepted or at least considered. When a person I have blocked to help prevent any problems goes so far as accessing someone else's accounts to see what I write they have a problem. When they intercept emails I write to a mutual friend, read them, forward the email to themselves, then delete the email so the person it was intended for never sees it, they have a problem. I find it both frightening and flattering. Obviously the person is stalking me. I must consume their thoughts. Why else would they go to such lengths to try to get at me? I must be pretty spectacular to cause such insecurity in others. The fear comes from the absolute, pure crazy that must reside inside such a person causing them to behave in such a way. Either way, it's nice to know that someone is always thinking of me. Maybe one day the people that think it's alright to hold a different set of standards and acceptable behavior for certain people and not others will see the fault in that way of thinking. Doubtful, but I can hope. I refuse to accept it. I will not filter myself from expression to appease others. I understand that many believe in keeping things bottled up, not sharing dirty laundry. I feel that a full life has highs and lows. I chose to share both. I am real. I relate to and respect people that are real and open with me. Anyone that is overly quiet or only speaks about positives I have a difficult time trusting. Life doesn't work that way. People sometimes disagree. Children sometimes misbehave. Spouses sometimes cheat. Houses sometimes foreclose. Things happen. Talking about going through difficult times makes them easier to get through. At least it does for me. It doesn't matter though. My choice to be honest and open is also serving as a place for others to lay blame. I'm sure this too, will be sought out. I will be surprised if my words aren't again a source for upset. We all look at the same situation from a different perspective. Grasping that has proven difficult for some. People will most likely stay bothered by my thoughts and my willingness to share them. I try to use general terms to spare feelings, but it seems that being general makes more people assume my thoughts are regarding them. Its sad that they see so much negativity in themselves to make such assumptions. I have no control over that though. I will continue to write about my life because it brings me peace. Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04997973416108335225noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4613871067257121501.post-24099672561459941222013-06-27T01:44:00.002-04:002013-07-24T22:54:40.787-04:00I am no shrinking violetI feel betrayed. It's a horrible feeling. What's worse is not being able to confront the ones that do it. It seems so many that claim to accept and love my family truly don't. At least they are nice to my face. It is hurtful. Maybe because I respectfully speak my mind when asked. I do voice my concerns. I do not just sit back and obey. These are all qualities my husband loves about me. He lived as a single man for 35 years. He worked, slept, and partied mostly. He spent more time with his family than he is able to now I believe. When we met we had an instant, intense connection. Everything happened rather quickly and it seemed to have upset people. My husband and I disagree on occasion, just like every other couple. We stay respectful, do not name call or get physical in any way. Call me naive but I have no worries about him running around on me. you know why? He chose me and my three children out of all the women he dated in his 35 years before we met. He's not as expressive as I am but that man adores me. He shows it. Even when he is mad at me he always tells me he loves me and kisses me bye before work. He always is sure to tell me good night. He puts me and our family first. We are partners. I wouldn't ever hurt him in any way either. I am proud of the man he is. I know in my heart he would do anything to protect and support us. I would do the same for him. I make sure he eats well and has a hot meal when he gets home from work. When I am out and see something he's mentioned wanting, I get it. We laugh, we share the same interests, we enjoy each other. We compliment each other. I keep a clean house and the laundry washed all week, so he picks up on the weekends for me. That way I don't have to come home to a filthy house after working 32 hours in 48 hours. I get up with Bree all week so he can sleep before work and he gets up with her if she wakes 2 nights a week for me. He works overtime as often as he can so we have extra money to save and go out on. Although we rarely go out. He chooses to work extra. he doesn't have to because I do not sit at home all the time. I work to. I contribute more funds towards our family than he does. It hurts me to hear that people get pissy about him having to get up with our baby 2 nights a week. he worked more overtime when he had his sister and her family or 4 living in his house with out contributing, but that was OK I guess. He doesn't go out on the weekends while I work because he is intimidated to take all the kids out without my help. He doesn't call or visit family much any more because he'd rather spend time with us. He's hurt by all the negative he hears about me. He sees all the effort I make to be loving to everyone. It's really sad. I've overlooked so much out of love for him so he is happy. I do not understand why the rest of his loved ones cannot do the same. i love our mom. She is the only one that seems to truly accept us. Knowing my children are viewed differently than our child together is extremely hurtful. i am trying very hard to not act out or be bitter about it but it has weighed heavy on my heart. That makes it quite difficult to forgive. I love that my husbands family gets together often. I really enjoy that. Now that the negativity is trickling down to my children as well we may all stop attending them. The worst part of all of this is no one will ever come ask me anything. They won't speak to me about any issues they have with me or about me. Its all smiles to the face and knives in the back.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04997973416108335225noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4613871067257121501.post-972938707121403012013-04-12T12:36:00.001-04:002013-04-12T12:36:12.508-04:00You have what you feel you deserveI think that is how the saying is worded. That's the gist of it. I've heard it before I ever went to school, early in my first marriage. I remember thinking I know I deserve better than this. Not speaking of my ex husband at the time, because I truly loved him for most of our marriage even if he didn't deserve my love. We lived in a tiny single wide, one bedroom trailer in a trashy trailer park with the most ridiculous neighbors. It was exactly what you think of when you think of poor white trash. I was not raised that way. We were at least middle class. No fancy vacations every year, but I had nice things and didn't want for much as a child. We rarely made rent on time and rent was cheap. We walked down to the little lake and fished a lot. We were broke. I didn't work and he barely worked. His job was weather dependent. Everyone told me that we all struggle in the beginning of life. It was part of starting out. My ex had seven jobs that first year. Yes, seven. I was 19, he was 27. I talked him into going to trucking school and things started looking up. I got pregnant with our first child and thought, naively, that having a baby would set his priorities. He'd keep a job and be responsible because it's not just us. If I'm not worth working for surely our precious little baby is. He quit his trucking job when I found out I was pregnant. When she was 4 months old he quit another job, then another, then another. I remember thinking my baby deserves more. I'd get so jealous of my friends that could go by their babies new clothes from nice stores, and go have their photo's taken at nice places. I always got the free picture. Most of her clothes came from yard sales and dollar stores. Thank goodness for my mom. She bought her lots of things she needed. That is when I decided it is up to me to change my life. I decided to go to school. I went to the department of labor to see what careers were most in demand. I didn't want to go to school and still be jobless. It was difficult, but I did it. I graduated x-ray school with a degree. I was so proud. I even got a great job as a student making more money than I ever imagined I would. We were quickly able to save for a house. My brother in law had helped my ex husband stay employed with him. He put out so many fires my ex started. I don't know where we'd be without all his help. I thought, this is it. I will finally have what I deserve. I've worked so hard to get it. I have been rock bottom financially, our relationship was rocky at best. When I started getting paid he was nicer, but jealous. I am an emotional eater so during my early marriage, between all the abuse and financial struggle I got insanely fat. You'd think being broke would thin a person out. Not having funds to buy junk. The thing is, most food banks give out junk. Processed foods that keep for a while. Yes, we were that bad off. I often went to food banks, churches and other organizations for help. I worked while I was in school though. I didn't use the government. I am grateful for it's help. I got off track. We found a house that we liked and signed a contract to start building. All was going great. We got moved in and loved it. Our community was nice, it had a pool we could take Talise to. Their was always some community function happening. It was great. I had gastric bypass surgery because I was disgusted with how I looked. I am not a fat person. Inside, I never was. I was just a miserable person. I wanted to be happy and confidant again. The recovery was long and hard. I followed the rules and the weight fell off in 6 months. It was amazing. I went from a size 20-22 to a 4-6. So now I was thin, young, had a great house and daughter. I felt like I had made it for a short while. Just two years into having our house I lost my job. My ex didn't make enough money to pay the mortgage. I worked three prn jobs to try to keep our house. I applied at every hospital and clinic within an hour of me. Even ones I knew I didn't want to work at. I didn't want to lose what I had worked so hard for. My ex refused to get a second job. We were going to file chapter 13 so we could keep our house. Then I found out I was pregnant. I did not want to have to deny my new baby anything so our house foreclosed and we moved into a rental. It was embarrassing. The rental was old and shabby. I hated it. When I brought Mylie home from the hospital I cried because I felt like such a failure. I got my current job when Mylie was 3 weeks old. Thank goodness for it because my ex quit working when she was 4 months old. I moved to Alabama so I could afford to take care of my family. I did too. I worked and paid for everything. I even took us on a small vacation. When I got pregnant with Bronson I told my ex he HAD to work. Period. He was 39 yrs old and useless. I put him through trucking school again as his cdl had expired. No job was good enough for him. He quit three trucking company's before he left. He left when Bronson was 2 months old. I cried for 10 minutes out of shock then realised I was much better off. Maybe now I could have what I deserved. The last two years have been a whirlwind. I met and fell in love with my husband. We married, had a baby and on Monday we sign a contract to start building our home. When I spoke to the mortgage broker and she told me we were approved and how much for I cried. I have struggled so much and worked so hard and every time I though this is it, something bad happened. My marriage is far from perfect. I adore my husband and he adores me. He is the most responsible man I know. He would shovel poo if he had to in order to provide for our children. When we went and looked at the house we plan to build I thought, this is gorgeous. No way will we be able to live here. It is what I always imagined as mine. What I always thought I'd have, but didn't. When she said yes, pick a lot you are approved I cried out of joy and the realization that I did not work or suffer in vain. I have an equal that will bust his tail to keep what we have. We both deserve to have something to be proud of. Don't get me wrong, I love the house we are in now. I love one of our neighbors, our yard and the area we live in. We are just too much for such a little place. Our kids will no longer have to share a room. They will have a pool and playground to go to. We will be in the middle of everything. We are both so excited. Life feels good right now. Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04997973416108335225noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4613871067257121501.post-2413387723657694122013-03-12T12:52:00.004-04:002013-03-12T12:52:55.544-04:00<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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My oldest child is a pre-teen. That sentence alone is enough to induce panic in me. In just the last two years she has gone from this:<br />
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To this:<br />
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She is just so beautiful. She doesn't see it. She really dislikes me taking her picture. Sometimes she catches me staring at her. She gets upset when she does. She is getting so slim. I've been having to buy her new jeans for the first time in three years because her old ones are too big. She got boys after her like crazy and unfortunately learning how mean an envious girl can be. She's also learning the value of true friendship. I feel this is the most difficult age to parent. Everything is such a gray area. I never know when it's OK to cuddle her or not. Sometimes she's really receptive to affection. When she's not, the way she jerks away so fast, as if I am contagious, really hurts. She has always been such a fun, silly girl. I like to be silly with her. That is also a sensitive area. Usually my jokes and sarcasm are received as just that, others it is considered an insult of some sort and tears or angers follows. She wants more privacy, but is still too immature for as much as she requests. She helps me out so much with her siblings and around the house, but won't do much without my asking first. She has the normal teenage angst. I know it is a phase that will pass, probably all too soon. It is exciting seeing her transform into a young lady. Seeing how talented she is, hearing her praise by others fills my soul with pride. She is extraordinary. I am overcome with love for her. Everything about her that makes raising her at this age difficult is compounded when seeing interactions with her peers. Hearing about her disagreements with her friends is tough. When girls get vicious it is intensely difficult to remain an adult and not flip out! I feel a much greater need to protect now. Not that I haven't always been protective, but I remember being a teenage girl. I can still recall certain girls that turned on me and tried to make others follow suit. When I see a post on social media saying negative remarks about my daughter I am taken back to that feeling from my childhood. I have to fight to refrain from getting snarky. I read often about teens being bullied and taking their own life, or snapping and hurting others. I'll be damned if that's one of my babies. Not if I can help it. It's even worse when she feels an injustice by an adult. That really ignites a fire in me. I have learned to go straight to the source and hear out both sides. Even the times the adult is justified my heart still aches for my daughter because of how the situation affected her. Remember those boys I mentioned earlier? That's another conundrum I am not ready for. She's had boys claim her since she was three years old. I've never been a fan, but now that hormones are involved it causes anxiety for me. On the one hand, I love seeing her face light up when she shows me a note from her boyfriend. I am grateful that she confides in me and actually shows me the messages. I dread heart break. I know it will happen one day. It sucks to see your baby hurt and not be able to fix it. I hate the thoughts. Trying to properly parent her rather than be her friend usually makes her mad at me. It's difficult. I love her so much. I pray that once we get through these years she will still love me, and call. I want us to be close. I want to be liked, but I want her to be a productive member of society with good morals and self respect more. I know once she is grown, has a child of her own and experiences the overwhelming love parents have she will understand. Hopefully then it will click and she will come back to me if things get strained between us. Until then I will do my best to give her as much love as she needs the way she needs it and pray.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04997973416108335225noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4613871067257121501.post-36519331283127707342013-02-15T11:24:00.002-05:002013-02-15T11:24:32.384-05:00Look at this face<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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See this tiny little face? Five months ago today I got to see this precious little face for the first time. She came into this world looking so much like her father our only resemblance was that we are both girls. She was the smallest baby I have ever held in my arms. She was absolutely beautiful to me. All my worries about how she'd look compared to my other children were washed away the first time I laid eyes on her.<br />
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Look at how much this precious, not so little, face has changed! She is even more beautiful to me. She is resembling me and her brother and sisters more each day. She is such a sweet natured, happy girl. She is in my arms always. She is in constant motion. She coos, laughs and smiles so much. She is such a blessing. We are are extremely grateful to have her in our family. I love hugging her. I am pretty much the only one she will just relax on, and I cherish that. She will lay her sweet smelling head on my chest and go limp. I just rub her back, or wrap my arms around her and try to soak up every ounce of tiny baby goodness. She is quite curious, loves interacting with her siblings, and chews her hands all the time. She sits well with assistance, can roll from her tummy to back and from back to her side. No solids yet and no crawling. I fear that I may hinder that skill because I keep her in my arms so much. She likes being worn when we go shopping, and adores having Mylie sing to her. She will calm almost instantly when Mylie does. She wakes up happy and has recently started sleeping through the night. I am so in love with this girl. Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04997973416108335225noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4613871067257121501.post-72580472911265662782013-02-07T10:01:00.001-05:002013-02-07T10:01:57.750-05:00Where do you see yourself?On the radio this morning they hosts were talking about how far they've come in 10 years. How they never would have thought they'd make it to where they are currently. I started thinking about it. Ten years ago I was an underemployed mother to a 2 year old little diva. I was unhappily married. I was so very poor. I had just started my core classes for my current career. I was on daycare assistance, housing assistance, foodstamps, and WIC. The government was paying for me to go to school. I was shuffling money around to pay bills before they were cut off.I lived in the least expensive apartments in my town. My neighbors openly smoked pot on their porch. My relationship with my ex was troublesome at best. I had Talise though. I also had a few good friends. I was 100 pounds over weight. I was just not in a happy place. My only joy was my very spirited, funny, mischievous daughter. Never would I have ever thought I would end up where I sit today. I am SO blessed. That same mischievous little diva is now 12 and still causing me headaches, but so much pride and joy as well. I have three other amazing children. All so different, and so much fun. I have an abundance of love. They love each other so too. I have a wonderful husband. He shows me love and fills me with confidence. I'm complimented daily on something. We are far from perfect, but so much closer to perfect than my last relationship. I've got an amazing family. I have an amazing extended family. I have wonderful in laws on both sides. I adore my brother's wife. I adore my husbands parents. I've grown so close to my mother in law. It's so nice because she treats me like a daughter and a friend. We don't have any of the baggage that is usually there with moms and daughters. I look forward to speaking to her on the phone and truly enjoy our visits. Bryan's parents are amazing, loving, warm grand parents. I have a great job that I love doing. I can provide for my family. I love my co-workers and feel more like friends with them than just sharing a work space. My husband owns (financing) our home and we have good, reliable vehicles. I no longer worry about finances. We can pay all our bills on time. I no longer require or even would qualify for any type of assistance. I am now an average, healthy weight. I feel pretty good about myself, both physically and my character. I say all this not to brag, but to show gratitude and the realization of how far I've come. Looking back at the last ten years makes me anticipate the next ten. I cannot wait to see what they bring.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04997973416108335225noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4613871067257121501.post-2805312868385550452013-01-22T13:31:00.002-05:002013-01-22T13:31:07.675-05:00Inner VoiceThe quote " The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice"- Peggy O'Mara really speaks to me. I'm sure it does most parents. I grew up in an abusive household. Name calling, beatings, nearly constant dysfunction. With that being said, my mother was often affectionate and said she loved me daily. I guess she felt that those things would erase the negative. We all know that bad memories tend to stick with us more than positive. I'm told frequently how patient I am as a mother. In fact, my current husband has referred to me as a doormat when it come to my kids. I have a hard time seeing it that way. Maybe because inside, when they are being loud, fighting or just all over the place I feel out of control myself. I know I have the crazy in me. I can envision pummeling people that really get to me, not just my kids. I don't do it. Just having the thought brings on tremendous guilt. I took to saying how I felt rather than acting out when my oldest child was very young. Rather than smacking her I'd tell her that what ever it was she was doing at the time to drive me mad made me feel like hitting her. I thought that by saying rather than doing it was somehow better. Now, when I hear her say the same things to her younger siblings I cringe. It is just as bad! I try to not ever call them bad or say that they are stupid. I say they need to behave better or that wasn't a smart choice. They still seem to have only heard the need to be better or not smart. It really bothers me! I am human. I have flipped out more times than I'd care to admit and spanked them, looked wild eyed, or said something I immediately wanted to take back. I feel like a failure. I mean, how in the world am I to raise confident, productive members of society will all the negative. I am like my mother. I give kisses all the time. I hug. I praise. I spoil. I try to take each of them out with me individually for quality time. I try to be fair. Maybe it's the ages they are at, 12, 4, 2, and 4 months. I know they love me. They follow me around and tell me all the time. I know it's unrealistic of me to think that anyone looks back at their childhood and only has happy memories. I just pray that all the positive out weighs the negative ones. I want my girls to know their worth, how very special and amazing they are. I want my son to be a responsible, loving, hard working young man and believe in himself. I want them all to know that I always love them, no matter what they do or who they become. I will always do whatever I can to make their lives better, to help attain what they want out of life. No, I won't always agree with them. I may cry. I may advise otherwise, but my love will never stop or change. I really hope their inner voice is a voice of love. A cheerleader, encouraging them, signing their praises. Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04997973416108335225noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4613871067257121501.post-75534294019192572442013-01-15T19:16:00.000-05:002013-01-15T19:32:46.807-05:00Am I too personal?I often wonder if people that read this, or my facebook posts think I am far too personal. My mother in law called me on it. She said I should only post positive things or something to that effect. I think a lot of people feel that way. To me it isn't real. I am human. I experience both positive and negative. Sometimes things are wonderful, sometimes things are extremely difficult. Even though I am almost an open book, I do hold back a lot. I refuse to paint everyone in bright, happy, smiley light though. Life doesn't happen that way. I hope that I do not come across as transparent, difficult to please or bitchy. I am just me. Not perfect by any means. I try to be the best me possible and fail often. I love fiercely. I am beyond sensitive. I over think. I may forgive, but never forget. I have tantrums. I feel guilty almost instantly every single time I raise my voice. I usually handle conflict from anyone that I am not sure loves me with passive aggression. I am extremely sarcastic. I find horrible, mean things humorous. I am opinionated. I am loyal. I am me. I do my best to be a decent, productive, helpful person. I am not and will not be a door mat. I take more crap from my kids than I ever will from anyone else. My bark is bigger than my bite. I expect the same of anyone that loves me. I want to feel treasured. Not only by my husband and children but by my friends. I choose them carefully. I guard them. I am easily hurt and expect a lot out of people. I am often let down. So, please, if I offend. If I come across as too forward or too open. I am me. I am just getting through life just like every one else. Feel free to message me, comment or email me. I welcome the input. Oh! This is in no way about my mother in law. She is amazing, I adore her. I just mentioned what she said because I found it relevant.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04997973416108335225noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4613871067257121501.post-13073201512452664472012-12-03T09:58:00.001-05:002012-12-03T09:58:55.784-05:00Unsettled<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I spoke with my father yesterday. He asked about my ex husband and if he is currently paying child support. My parents are divorced and he paid child support himself. During the time he had to pay it he was an alcoholic. That being said, I told him no, my ex is not. He is currently five months behind and should be having his drivers licence suspended soon. I went on to say how some people get really upset about this and feel that the government should take his entire paycheck and put it towards his arrears. I do not agree. Everyone has to be able to live and have funds to do so. My father went on to say he feels they should put my ex in jail. That would motivate him to work hard at keeping a job so he can provide for the children he helped create. He said " Jennifer, don't you think that man is eating, drinking, smoking and buying things for himself? He's probably buying things for that woman he married and other people. He doesn't bother calling or seeing them. Why shouldn't he at least provide for his kids?" For some reason that really got to me. I thought about it all day. I guess since he was dealing with addiction and still paid child support. I still visited him. He still called me. I will admit, my father wasn't my favorite person during that time. He's since recovered and we are growing closer. His words just kept replaying in my head. I even dreamed about it last night. My ex was somehow in my house with all these boxes filled with toys and such that he was mailing out to other kids. I saw a box of toy cars addressed to a Matthew. I was so heart broken as my son doesn't even know the man exists. Not that Bronson is missing out. Bryan is a much better example of how a man should behave, and provide. I just don't want my kids to feel that their natural father doesn't love them. Mylie still asks about him all the time. Talise doesn't bother because she is really hurt by it all. Talise has even reached out to some of his family and didn't even get a return call or text It really hurts her. She feels unloved and alone. That breaks my heart. My kids did not ask for any of this. I expected more from his family. I never would have imagined that he wouldn't see his kids. Mylie has been slowly opening up and telling me things. It seems he had them lie to me lot as well. I am grateful that they no longer have that pressure on them. I just hate that they have to experience pain and feel rejected. I wish their were a way to explain it that they could understand they are amazing. It is his ignorance and loss. I heard that he regrets listening to his brother and stopping seeing them, yet he's made no effort to correct that. I hope to shake this heavy heart now that I've gotten this off of my chest. I will never understand anyone ever being OK with not seeing their children.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04997973416108335225noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4613871067257121501.post-37338586811167665122012-11-26T13:30:00.003-05:002012-11-26T13:30:29.941-05:00So not readyBefore I even had Bree I dreaded having to go back to work from maternity leave. Silly, I know. Knowing that she is my last baby is very difficult for me. I don't want to miss anything. So I have counted the weeks and tried to not worry about it. Over all I did good. For some reason I had it in my head that I go back to work 12/15. I got up today to count the weeks again so I could call my boss to get put on the December schedule. I miscounted. I go back 12/8. I even called Human Resources to be sure. Now I am a mess. I have cried off and on all day. My stomach is in knots. I feel confidant in my husband and I know she will be properly cared for. I look forward to having my own money again and seeing my co-workers. I just really want to bring her with me. I know that is not at all a possibility. I love my job. It's just that I will never experience any of those firsts again. No more lasts either. She's recently started cooing a lot. She stares at me now. She looks for me in a room when someone else holds her. She seeks me out when she hears my voice. I am going to miss her terribly. I keep telling myself it's only two days. Seems like nothing but it is two very long, entire days. I will only get to sleep beside her. That's the only time I will get. I will make it. I did with Bronson. I thought he was my last too. Ugh.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04997973416108335225noreply@blogger.com0