A new look, and two weeks already!

I've decided since I now have four children my blog could use a new title and new look. Obviously, I have fertility problems worked out. I mean I've got four means of proof.I really think stress was the issue.  We were always broke, he rarely worked, and we fought a lot. Moving on...so Bree was a delightful surprise.  I cannot believe she is already 2 weeks old! She's become an excellent nurser, a super snuggler, hates a bath and a diaper change. She still mostly eats, sleeps, poops and poops some more. She is finally gaining weight! She is still in preemie clothes though, and swims in even preemie diapers. She is a crazy sleeper!

Bronson has started Acknowledging Bree finally. Only every now and then. He has also decided to punish me, I assume for bringing her home. He will come over and lay his sweet little head in my lap and say I wuv eww ( I love you) and just melt my heart. Then, as soon as Bree needs to nurse or something he will stare me down while being naughty. He's taken up kicking, chasing his big sister with sticks, coloring on walls, back talk, digging in the pantry, sneaking food to his room. Just about anything he knows he should not be doing. Things he would not do if I were free to correct him. I have swatted his bottom a few times, but I am trying to be patient with him and give him more love. During the day when I am the only parent home I try not to hold Bree as often so I can dote on him more. He eats it up, but still punishes me to keep me in check. He is the boss after all.
Mylie and Talise are both being awesome. Mylie begs to hold Bree as soon as she wakes up, as soon as she gets home, and before bed at night. She kisses her all the time and professes her love for Bree multiple times a day. Talise helps me out in the mornings before she heads to school. She'll either hold Bree for me while I get Mylie ready for school and Bronson fed and changed or She'll take care of Bronson while I handle the other. After her Mylie goes to bed Talise holds and cuddles Bree. She tells her how pretty she is, how cute she looks in whatever she is wearing or helps with diaper changes and baths.  Talise is a bigger helper than my husband with Bree. He is more of, I'll clean or pick up dinner than let me change her or get her in new clothes. As long as it all gets done I am OK with it. I will admit, I get overwhelmed. Between non-stop talking, pre-teen attitude, know it all toddlers, tantrums and a defenseless infant that is completely dependant on me, I have had a tantrum or two of my own! I have cried, yelled, and just walked away. I have found that getting out of the house, talking my littlest two for a walk really helps my sanity. I took all four today. Big mistake. Not relaxing at all. The older girls can find a fight in anything. For now on it'll be just me and the babies. I will survive. I will thrive. I will be the absolute best parent I can be. Not perfect, but my best.

Luckiest girl in the World

I know she's mine, but she looks nothing like me. I sit and stare at her and see none of my features at all. Not even a little. She is, however, so completely loved it is unreal. I truly hope she realizes this as she grows. She is always in someones arms.  Every now and then she gets put in her Mamaroo or crib. Between the girls and I, she is often snuggled. Bryan doesn't hold her quite as much, but he has his moments. My mother-in-law holds her and smothers her with kisses when she's over. My father-in-law held her his entire visit. She nestled up under his chin on his chest and got cozy and he just ate it up. My brother held and loved her. My sister-in-law held her mos of her visit. Even her 5 year old cousin held her, smiling down at her while he was here. My father was afraid to hold her because she is so small, but he raved and raved about how she is the most beautiful baby  he has ever saw. I think I've heard that more with her than any of my other children.  It blows my mind. Of course I think she is stunning. I thought so from the moment I laid eyes on her. It brought me to tears. I can honestly say she is the only baby I've had that I thought was gorgeous straight from the womb. My others were as soon as the swelling from their entry subsided, but Bree cam so fast she didn't even have blotchy skin or a cone head. Plus she is such a tiny little thing, it's just precious. I still cannot believe she is mine, but I am grateful.

I must brag

My hospital stay with this delivery was the best experience I've had ever. Not only were all of my nurses, doctor's, cna's, dietary ladies, and cleaning staff super nice to me and competent, but my husband was amazing. He was quiet during contractions, that is a big deal for me. I like to just breathe when I hurt. I don't writhe around, scream or whimper.I get inside my head and talk myself through it. In order to do that effectively I need silence and he was respectful of that. When it was go time he stood by me, holding my hand with one hand and rubbing my head with the other. He was encouraging, looked excited while I pushed and helped hold my head forward during pushes. What's even better is that Bryan was dressed well, he cut up with my nurses, acted concerned and asked appropriate questions. He was so compassionate and loving the entire time we were there. This all may seem like common place behavior but it is not at all what I am used to. With my ex husband, any time I was in the hospital for anything, we had an argument. He was often disrespectful to the staff, he would do things that embarrassed me and speak poorly to me. He didn't limit his bad behavior just to births, any hospitalization was open opportunity to be horrid. When I had Talise he made remarks about how fat I still was. With Mylie, as soon as the nurse walked in to triage me he decided he didn't like her. His reason was that she was black and foreign. It didn't matter that she was very pleasant. Every time she spoke to him the response was said hatefully and I had to hear about ho much he didn't want her in the room every time she left the room. I had pre-term labor with Bronson. When he arrived he was wearing an old pair of orange swim trunks that had a hole in the crotch and a too small, stained orange t shirt and his yard shoes. The kids looked dirty and weren't dressed appropriately either. He sat out in the hall rather than in the room with us. When the doctor came in and explained why he was keeping me and the importance of bed rest, he got pissed off because the doctor looked at me when he spoke. He picked a fight with me about it. When I actually had Bronson, we argued about the time I had to go into the hospital, he didn't have enough rest before hand. He slept while I labored. He acted very disinterested, even when they lost Bronson's heartbeat and what seemed like dozens of nurses rushed into the room, rolling me from side to side, mentioning scary things like prolapsed cord (not the case) and compressed cord. He just stood there. When I asked that he call my mother, he did, but then wouldn't allow her to stay while I pushed and refused to cut the umbilical cord. He sat frowned up in the corner most of my stay, and when they came to take my son to be circumcised, something we had already discussed in great length, he acted like a fool. Raising his voice, complaining about be victim to all these stupid Americans. I've also never come home to a clean house before after having a baby. That has always bothered me. Who wants to bring a new baby home to a mess? He never stayed with me while I was in the hospital, not that I really wanted him to. What I am getting to is this: I got to experience the exact opposite and it was heaven. My mother in law was such a tremendous blessing. She came the night I went into labor. She brought my kids to meet Bree on her birthday. Bryan only went home for a couple of hours so she could go prepare meals for my father in law as he had just had a massive heart attack the week before. Bryan stayed with me the entire time. He looked after me, constantly asking what he could do to help me out with Bree. He paid close attention to the doctors orders and the nurses instructions to me. When Bree wouldn't nurse and I started feeling overwhelmed, he reminded me of little tricks that were mentioned to encourage her to latch on. Things that I had forgotten. When we got home...oh my goodness! Not only was their a super cute wreath on the door representing my sweet angel, but my house was spotless. I mean, SPOTLESS! No dirty dishes, no dirty laundry, clean tubs, toilets, floors and counter tops. The kids were fed and all played out. She said she just straightened up some. She did great. I felt such happiness and relief. After visiting with us she offered to go pick up dinner for us, and took Mylie and Bronson with her. After making sure we were all fed she bathed the little ones and put them to bed for us. I felt so much love and care. Since being home Bryan has not let me lift, clean or cook. He's done all the driving and has encouraged me to rest. Now, he is not perfect, far from it. Things haven't been all rosy, but compared to what I am used to, this has been a wonderful experience.

Bree's arrival

Contractions started Thursday afternoon while I was in the car line waiting to pick up Miss Myliebel. They were about every ten minutes and lasted into the night. I was also blessed with diarrhea. Too much information, I know, but we are talking about a birth here so that is bound to occur. Between the two I was exhausted so I took some Tylenol around mid night and went to bed. Four times I was woken up because the contractions were painful enough and caused a lot of pressure. They were not close enough together to time or anything though. I was frustrated. When I got out of bed at 5 a.m. they were every 6 minutes and lasted about 40 seconds and stayed that way for five hours! I got excited. I texted my husband. They, of course, stopped. Still had diarrhea, now with a bit of nausea just for kicks. I had now reached the point of pure exhaustion with the entire pregnancy. Driving home from getting Mylie I just lost it and started crying. I could take either not feeling anything, OR actual labor but this tease stuff was trying my nerves badly. Once Talise got home from school we had to go order her cake for her birthday party Saturday. I thought maybe walking WalMart would help trigger labor. More TMI warning: we had been doing EVERYTHING recommended that is natural to help start labor, as often as humanly possible with three kids already. I refused to try any oils, or foods. After ordering her cake and messing around the store, still nothing. I was becoming quite irritated. My mother called and while I was speaking with her I noticed they were back. Around 9 p.m. I noticed that they were really starting to pick up and feeling consistent. I started timing them. I told Bryan what was going on as soon as he came to bed. He didn't want to bother his mom until I knew for sure that it was the real thing. So, finally when they were lasting about a minute and a half each time and were 4 minutes apart he broke down and called her. It was 10:45 p.m. The entire ride down to the hospital  he kept talking about how he sure hoped it was really time. I kept fighting the urge to smack him. We got there, checked in and Bryan had to wait in the waiting room while I was triaged in labor and delivery. I was 4 cms dilated, 50% effaced, soft, stretchy and -2 station. They hooked me up to monitors and let Bryan come back.  My contractions were registering off the paper. The numbers were in the 100's. When they said 4 cms I knew for sure that I was there for keeps, until my sweet, newly graduated nurse mentioned having to monitor me for change for an hour before they called the doctor to see IF they would be keeping me. I literally felt myself twitch. I thought, if I get sent home I will have a break down. Thankfully, when they checked me again I had made change. Not sure on how much because my newly graduated yet very sweet nurse said I was 7 cms but the nurse that has worked L&D for the past 16 years said I was more a 4 but 60% effaced.  I did not care one iota as long as I was staying and evicting my womb inhabitant. It was now close to 2 a.m. My doctor was not on call. Praise God it was not a quack that was though. The doctor that shares my Ob's office was on call. I had never seen him, but he was very nice. When he came in to check me it felt like he went in elbow deep. I was contracting and debating kicking him away, but chose to breathe through it instead. This guy had all the power. He said I was 5 cms dilated and to hand him the hook thing (not his words) to break my waters. Yay! Poor guy got soaked. Not just his gloves, up his darn arm. I felt no shame. I was happy to be on my way to the finish line. My sweet nurse mentioned an epidural. I declined as I wanted to wait until the very last minute, until I could no longer take it. I didn't want to slow anything down or risk adding complications by being a puss. Once the my contractions started reading somewhere over 230 I decided it was time. The anesthesiology lady was friendly. It took her four times to properly place my epidural. I had 6 back to back contraction while sitting on the bed having it placed. I was near tears. Once it was in place and medication was given the nurse wanted to cath me. Sure! My lady bit were all hot, numb and heavy feeling. I did not care. It was odd because I could still feel Bree move around, just no pain. Awesome! The catheter gave me a slight burning sensation. Still doing good though. A different nurse came in and asked my nurse if she had checked me since I had gotten my epidural. It had only been 15 minutes tops, so no, she had not gotten around to it yet. The nurse asking decided to check me and I was complete. I told Bryan to come over to my left side to hold my hand and see what was happening. Looking like a deer in headlights he asked about going to smoke or going to the bathroom. I said Nope! Get over here. I started feeling intense pressure almost immediately. About 5 pushes tiny little Bree entered our world. She immediately let out a precious little squeak and I started crying. She had a nuchal cord and her left arm up by her head as she came out. When the nursery nurses announced her weight I had to ask that they repeat it a couple of times. 4 lbs 14 oz, 17 inches long...My tiniest baby yet. I just knew she'd be at least 7 lbs. Her head circumference was 12.5 inches and her chest measured 11.25 inches. She has gorgeous skin coloring and came out with a perfectly round head that is barely covered with dark blond peach fuzz, except for by her neck. She's got longer hair down there. She wasn't in the birth canal long enough to establish the classic cone head. Once she was cleaned up and given to me she nursed for 18 minutes on one side then 15 minutes on the other. I put her on my chest to burp her and after she let out a man belch she nestled up against me. I gave her to Bryan while they removed my epidural. I looked over at him to see my man, who is not at all an affectionate person staring so sweetly at his little girl, rubbing her little head and smiling down at her. I could have smothered him with love at that moment. I am grateful I got to witness it. He has been wonderful. He's so afraid that he is going to hurt her. Mostly he holds her where he can look at her tiny little self.  He seems so proud. She looks exactly like him. She started having trouble feeding. Every time I'd try to get her to latch on she'd either go to sleep or pull away and scream. If she lost her latch she would flip out. Once she gets really mad you can just forget it. The nursery nurse says that she is a pistol. She finally started to nurse decent this evening. After a very long, fussy night and afternoon she's had two excellent 30 minute nursing sessions, big man belches and fallen asleep on my chest. Praise God! I was starting to get afraid to bring her home. Not only because I've already experienced a very high maintenance baby once before and know what fun it can be, but also because I have two other small children the require a lot of me. She still gets quite upset when you check her diaper or change her clothes, but otherwise is a sweet, content little one. She has really taken to her pacifier and thrives on a good swaddle. We are blessed.

Looking up!

Tuesday Bryan's father called him. They spoke about all that went on while he was in the hospital. Bryan still refused to call or talk to his mother. I was disappointed. She somehow had it in her head that we weren't going to call her when we have Bree. That is completely not the case. At least that was what I had gotten out of Bryan. I called her yesterday after my doctor's appointment. She was so grateful. Turns out, I was right. It was just a huge misunderstanding due to them both being stressed out and a bit hard headed. She was just saying that while his dad was in the hospital we needed back up just in case. I can completely understand that because if she were here with the kids and something bad happened to her husband she'd be stuck. That would be a horrible place to be. Thankfully, she volunteered to come anytime now as long as my father in law is at home. She said he is doing so much better, his skin tone looks better and he has been joking a lot more. I am very grateful to hear that. Even after I spoke to her I still had to put my foot down to get Bryan to talk to her. He kept saying he knows where he stands now and he has nothing to say. Finally, I explained how upset I'd be if I knew I had upset one of my children that badly that they refused to hear an apology, explanation or anything. I adore my kids and that would just break my heart. So last night he finally spoke to her. I am glad. Even though we don't always see eye to eye, I know she loves her kids and is doing the best she can to try to please everyone. Being a parent is difficult. With that being said, I wrote my mother a letter. I will not beg for forgiveness as she hopes for based on what my aunt told me. I explained why I feel the way I do. I also let her know what is going on with my pregnancy and let her know she is welcome to meet her newest grandchild when ever she chooses. I wrote her rather than call because I truly feel that my calling would just instigate more hurt. She tends to be mean and spiteful when she feels upset, where as I tend to shut down to prevent saying something I cannot take back. I still have the horrible texts she sent me and I will not forget or forgive them. I will ignore and move forward for my children. I feel that I have done more than my share now it is up to her whether she chooses to be involved with them. My aunt had called me last week saying that my mother feels that I am keeping my kids away from her. How? She knows where we live and both Bryan and my phone number. She has chosen to not call or visit. She was invited to come see Talise graduate and to Bronson's birthday. She chose not to acknowledge my efforts. That really upset Talise. Thankfully Bronson isn't old enough to really know what is going on. Either that or just not old enough to express that he knows. I really hope she chooses to come meet Bree and see the kids. I have a strong feeling I will be disappointed though.  I now need to call my father and let him know he is off the hook for baby watch! I worry he may be disappointed. I hope not. He was always really passive with me growing up and I know he wouldn't hurt my children in anyway. I still felt nervous about him watching them for me though. They just aren't as close to him or as used to him as they are my mother in law. I would worry about what he fed them and silly everyday things. I was SO relieved when she volunteered to take over labor watch for me. Now if only I could find a way to coax this little girl out! No way will I try Castor Oil or Evening Primrose Oil ~ YUCK! I'm afraid to go for walks without my husband. We've been so busy between running the kids around to their events and doctor's or dentists appointments we have been completely beat by the time dinner rolls around. We've been in bed by 9 every night this week. It's been heaven! I've been so completely worn out. It's just like my first trimester this past week. I am praying that is a labor sign! I'm grasping at straws over  here! It would be ideal for her to come tonight or sometime after next Tuesday. My in laws anniversary is Saturday, my birthday is Sunday, and Talise's birthday is Tuesday. Tonight would be good. After Talise's kick off concert. Ideal. She'll probably hang out until I am overdue! All my others were early. It is starting to aggravate my husband. He complained the other night about when in the heck is she gonna get tired of being in me already? Didn't the others arrive early? He looked so defeated. I think the anticipation is getting to him. Not much longer.

Ramblings

So much has been going on, it is unreal. I cut back my hours at work. I refuse to go out on leave until my newest addition decides to make her appearance as I don't want to waste time off twiddling my thumbs. I'd much rather be loving on a newborn, and helping Bryan get into the swing of things. I'm a bit nervous about leaving him with a newborn, toddler, pre-schooler and pre-teen. I am sure he will do fine. He's done really great with my babies. I was more at ease feeling as though his mom would come help, but now I am not so sure. They had a falling out. I am positive it was just miscommunication due to stress. I have tried to reach out to them both to help mend things, but it has proved quite difficult. He is hurt, feels unloved and betrayed. He refuses to even accept her calls or respond to her texts at this point. My heart aches for him. I've never saw him this upset before. I also feel badly for his mother, because I know she loves him. Her husband is on the mend, but I cannot imagine how horrible her last week has been, not knowing if he would live or die. Bryan has spoken to his father and was quite happy about that. Thankfully, my father volunteered to come watch my children when I go into labor. I am uneasy about it though. They know who he is, but we aren't exactly close. We didn't even speak for years and just this past couple of years have started talking regularly. He's mentioned how much he wants to be an active grand parent. I don't want to take that from him or my kids. He was always really passive and decent to me as a kid. I don't feel like he would hurt my kids or be neglectful. I just worry about simple things, like what will he feed Bronson? Does he remember to chop up food small? Will he be OK changing a stinky diaper? Will Mylie flip out if she wakes up and he is here rather then me? Can he brush her teeth? Get her dressed for school? I think I will assign those chores to Talise. I even offered to keep Talise home fro the day to help him out. He laughed and assured me he would be fine. Bronson likes him. He's always gone straight to him when ever he visits. I think I feel more comfortable with my mother in law because she is a mom. She's not too passive with the kids, but not stern either. I must say, regardless of any differences Bryan or I ever have with her, she's got the grandma thing down. My kids LOVE her. I guess I need to give my father the same chance. My aunt called the other day saying that my mom is pushing her to have me call and apologize. My mother feels that I am keeping the kids, Talise mainly, from her. I feel that she not only knows where I live but has my number and could call anytime. In no way would I interfere with them speaking to her, unless she brought them in the middle of our difficulties. No way will I apologize though. I do not feel wrong. She said some really hurtful, horrible things to me. Not only that, she then bragged about it to my aunt. Like she was proud of herself. She was not a good parent growing up. She was abusive and crossed many boundaries. I tolerated it then because I had no choice. Now I do. I would really like things to be better between us. I hate that she hasn't reached out so that she can meet her newest grand daughter. Maybe she will surprise me, but I doubt it. My kids are doing great. Bronson is now a puppy. He hassles, barks, growls and crawls around. He even licked Bryan right up his lips! Bryan was so disgusted. I found it amusing. He is such a smart and funny little guy. Bryan was changing a stinky diaper, and apparently not fast enough for Bronson's liking. Bronson looked up at him and said "Tick tock....tick tock". I just laughed! Talise is doing excellent in school. Straight A's so far. She is taking the Clarinet. I went to her first concert, which was the song flute. They did rather well. This Thursday they demonstrate their actual instruments. I'm excited for her. I've been encouraging her to make new friends. I really do not like the ones she's chosen thus far as they treat her as if she is disposable. It breaks my heart and honestly pisses me off! She is a great girl. She is smart, funny and has a huge, tender heart. I only had a few friends for the same reason though. Too many girls are just mean. Mylie is loving school. She has done wonderful, except for last Wednesday when she refused to go to gymnastics. I asked her three times before I paid for her to go, so she will be attending regardless of whether she participates or not! Hopefully this week she'll decide to tumble with her friends. She loves her teachers. Every morning she waves to the assistant who works the car line. She is always talking about how nice they are. That warms my heart. I feel as though I worried for nothing. She's already learned to write out her name too! I am so proud of my kids! Oh! She also learned to ride her bike without training wheels! She does a great job. Now if we could get the girls attitudes adjusted they would be perfect little children. I guess perfect would be boring though. I'd say, even though things have been stressful, especially with extended family, overall I am happy and things are good. All relationships with all people we contact can be trying. I am trying to just be as supportive as possible to my husband. I love him much more than I ever thought I could love anyone other than my kids. Life is good.