A Cruel Dream

Last night I had a dream, it was overwhelming for me. My dear aunt Linda had knocked on my door. When I opened it and saw her sanding there I was confused yet so relieved. I asked her what had happened, where had she been? She told me that she had been in intensive care, something was wrong with her liver, but she is fine now. I told her how I was SO happy she was back.  I had missed her so much, I had no one to talk to. I love her. It felt SO real. Such a joy to see her again. I can't even type it without crying. See, my aunt Linda was like a mother to me, actually better than a mother because I could complain about my mother to her.  She understood, she grew up with my mother. We spoke daily, often times more than once. When my kids got hurt, she was the one I called, after my husband of course. When I achieved something, she made a big deal about it. She was warm and loving, very opinionated, and classy. Saturday, November 14, 2009 I got a call at work informing me that she had died suddenly. I had to vomit. I was in shock. I made it through the funeral services. Then there was my mother. Ugh. She acted hysterical. My girls were scared and upset by her behavior. For months when ever I talked to her she would start crying. I didn't even like to answer her calls. I got aunt Linda's living room furniture. My mother took almost everything of value, even things that were willed to other people as the will wasn't notarized.  Yet she would cry when she came to my house because of seeing the furniture. At first it was annoying. Then I started to get out right mad. MY aunt. My aunt that took me in when my own mother wouldn't let me live with her. My aunt that supported me through graduation from high school and college. My aunt who was the first person to hold my first child outside of me and my husband. She was there for ME for every milestone in my life.  Milestones that my mother missed. She and my mother didn't speak for years. They were on speaking terms before she passed away though. I started to get infuriated. I didn't understand why. Then while talking to a friend of mine she told me the answer. The one I talk to is gone. I couldn't grieve properly because I had no one to talk to. I couldn't talk to my real mother because she is such an emotional mess. It is true. Today out of the blue my daughter asked me if I missed talking on the phone. I don't do that much anymore. No one to talk to really. I said yes, I miss Linda very much.  What I wouldn't give to talk to her again.

Doing the right thing

My job deals with helping people. I work in health care. Test results are a big deal. Heck, just giving out a warm blanket can be a big deal. Not only is patient care super important but following through on things is even more so. I mean think about it. You are sick, scared, possibly in pain and waiting. You wait and get harassed by lab techs drawing blood, possibly respiratory techs checking your breathing, nurses checking vitals and x-ray techs taking pictures. No one really tells you much of what is going on with you but your doctor. Then he/she has to wait for others to give him/her results from all the tests that have been run. So you are sick, unable to rest, and awaiting answers. That is why following through is such a big deal. It can cause a big chink in the chain if someone fails to follow through. Someone failed recently, and unfortunately I had to report it. HAD to. I tried to find a way out of it. I really like my co-workers. I felt horrible. I really, really didn't want to. I did everything I could to avoid it. Having to call it in made me sick to my stomach. This person is a good tech, excellent even. One that I would never expect to fail. The patient wasn't harmed because of the incident, but it still was a big deal. This incident bothered me my entire shift and I have thought of it often this week. I know how it is to have an off day. I once failed also,the patient wasn't harmed because of my fail. That fail cost me my job. My job loss led to my family being unable to afford our bills. We lost a car and our house. We tried really hard to keep these things. My husband worked as much as he could. I worked at any job in my field that would hire me. Before we lost our home I was working three jobs, whenever they needed me. I worked up to 12 hour shifts and worked 21 days straight. By that point it was too late. We were too far behind, bankruptcy would save our house and cars, but I was also expecting a baby. We would BARELY have afforded it all. We had to leave everything we worked so hard for behind. We didn't have lots of credit card debt, we aren't fans of those, maybe $3000.00 if that. So we didn't loose things because we were frivolous. We stayed a float from our savings for 11 months. Then we were back at square one. We are fine, we made it through it. It all started from one fail in the health care system though. I often hear people say how they will have someones job because of a fail. I no longer say that. I know what a single job loss can mean in society today. I don't know, or even think that is what happened due to my report, but the idea that it is even a possibility makes my stomach turn. You know what else makes me feel ill, what if the patient had been affected? What if they took a turn for the worse because of it? What if that patient was someone I love? I did the right thing, the difficult thing, what I would expect of my health care provider. It sucked.

Shopping While Hormonally Challenged

Oh My Goodness! That is all I can say about it. My girls were well behaved yet still I am mentally exhausted! I must say I was warned though. See, in the small town where I reside the local Wal-Mart is tiny. It suits for basic needs but doesn't have a lot in the way of stock. So I decided to go to the Wal-Mart in Lagrange.  Yes, I know that they are remodeling, and looks like it will be nice once it is completed.  Until then ~ Cah-Razy! Things are everywhere,  people are everywhere, aisles are difficult to manage a cart down.  Items are only partly arranged.  An example, I was looking for fruit roll-ups. Not something normally difficult to find. The aisle that claims to have fruit snacks has maybe 12 boxes of off brand fruit snacks, then a ton of empty space beside them. The fruit roll-ups were beside the dog food. YUP! DOG FOOD! My pregnant brain will barely let me function in a neat and orderly store. I barely made it out without making a fool of myself. When I got to my car after I got my measly one bag of items I couldn't even talk to Talise.  I had to let my brain rest. It's quite sad actually.  To help me relax after wards I stopped at Dairy Queen. My co-worker mentioned a blizzard at work yesterday and I haven't been able to shake the thought.  I will consume it later. once my rug rats are asleep so I don't have to share! I think if I venture to the ole Wal-Mart in Lagrange again I may need sedation.

Comfort

Comfort can be brought on by so many things. Foods that make you think of growing up or grandma, old movies, a special blanket.  I feel the most comfort from my husband. Knowing that he is here to protect our family, the love he has for us, the sacrifices he is willing to make. So many people didn't think we would make it. So many didn't think he would amount to much. He has far exceeded my expectations. He loves me in a way that I cannot express. If you come around us you'd be able to tell, he exudes love for his family. I once had a friend comment that she wished her relationship with her husband was like ours, that one could tell by the way he behaves around me that he adores me. I agree. I adore him also. I cannot imagine him not in my life, i don't want to either.  We are not perfect.  We disagree, we aggravate and bicker. That's the end of it though. We choose our battles and let a lot of things slide. We praise each other and show appreciation often. Having him by my side, on my team, encouraging me at what ever it is I am trying to accomplish, brings me comfort. His love is my security blanket. He is all I need. I thank the Lord for putting him in my path. I could not have chosen a better man for me, or to father my children.

Sleeping Babes

You know, I can have an absolutely horrible day ( which is not the case today) and at night, when my babes are sleeping, all is well. Not because they aren't making noise, begging for more of me when I feel like there is none left to give, fighting, playing or anything else. They are just absolute beautiful angels. Talise, her long dark hair, and her bright blue eyes are nothing compared to her asleep. Her full lips seem to swell  a little and they look darker, even prettier than during her wakeful moments. Her long eyelashes curled up on her freckled cheeks, amazes me. Mylie smells of coconut and sunshine and has the most angelic little face. Her lashes are even longer than her sister's. Mylie still makes little suckling movements with her little lips. She still makes little baby grunts and squirms and she melts into me when she falls asleep. I love to feel her warmth and the heaviness of her body against mine. It still boggles my mind that the love I have for my husband caused the two wonderful beings to enter my life. I loose my patience, and they can be little button pushers, but it is more than made up for with all of the good terrific they bring. Talise leaves me love notes multiple times a week, and she always kisses me twice goodnight because she says I have such soft cheeks she can't resist.  Mylie will tell me she loves me whenever, we can be in the middle of a shower, or riding in the car, or grocery shopping and she just springs it on me. They both pick me flowers often and do their best to try to help me out.  My heart overflows with love, appreciation, thankfulness, and pride. My girls. MY girls. God is awesome!

Countdown is near!

Multiple countdowns. Talise only has four more weeks of school. WOW! I will be so glad when this year is over for her. I don't exactly love her teacher. Neither does Talise. She's over heard her teacher say on several occasions what a bad class they are and how terrible they are. Way to show the love teach! I feel bad that her summer is pretty much shot. I plan to buy them a swing set. They have other things out side to play with also. She really wants to go somewhere on vacation. We will have to take a couple of small trips, maybe to places like the Wild Animal Safari, the dairy farm, maybe a children's museum. I will try to pack in as much as I can before the little guy arrives. Speaking of Bronson, only 7 more weeks! I am starting to get anxious. Fernando isn't at all. I asked him last week to go get the baby stuff out of storage, he didn't want to. I want it out yesterday to be sure none of it is mildewed. If anything has to be replaced I'd like to know sooner rather than later. I did wash his newborn things and put them in Mylie's dresser or hang them up. So far Mylie has left it all alone. I probably just cursed myself!  I still need to buy him an Angel Monitor, some crib sheets and myself some nursing bras and something decent to wear in the hospital.  I work there and I don't want my co-workers coming up to see me in the hospital issued nursing gown. They just aren't a nice memory to have.

Butts Mill Farm

Friday was Talise's last day on spring break, so I decided to take them to do something fun. We had so many appointments and errands earlier in the week that she didn't get to do much of anything. We went to Butts Mill Farm.  The girls had so much fun. They were exhausted when it was over.

Grrr

I am a crazy woman. That is it in a nut shell. I have tantrums and am loony! I am going to talk to my doctor about it tomorrow. I don't like to yell, but I sure have been yelling a lot. Talise completely works my nerves, and Mylie is two, enough said. Really Mylie is wonderful, she is just prone to tantrums too.  Heck, lately I've been showing her how to get it done! Talise does help me out a lot. She is a good kid.  She is just SO mouthy and it seems like she looks to show anyone that will pay attention how stupid I am.  She is forever correcting me. I was trying to do our taxes, huge procrastinator, I know. I asked Talise to PLEASE entertain Mylie so I could get it over with. She comes in the living room and sits down then proceeds to fuss at Mylie for being loud when she is trying to watch t.v. I would be lying if I said that didn't rub me the wrong way. I asked her to open the front door so Mylie could go outside and play, don't worry, we live really far away from the street in the middle of nothing, and I could see her. Mylie needed help putting on clothes. Talise yells at Mylie, then runs out of the room and out the side door.  She didn't want to play with her sister, she didn't want to go outside, but that is what she did. As I tried to do taxes, Mylie was crying looking out the window at her sister, who wouldn't play outside with her, riding on her scooter outside.  then Talise decides to come up on the porch and taunt Mylie. Now I am angry. I help Mylie get her clothes on and put the taxes aside.  We go outside for Mylie to jump on the trampoline. I asked Talise why she did that.  She told me that even though she knows that I get upset when she runs outside she did it anyway. I sent her to her room. I couldn't deal with her nicely so I sent her away. Mylie and I hung outside for a while. Talise continued to mouth off when we came in. Mylie got tired and upset that Talise took her dinner to the sofa so she decided to go boneless. I decided it was time for a shower. Mylie is crying following me, almost walking on me. The entire time saying hold me momma, hold me. I turn on the water and look into the shower and it is a mess. Talise had left shampoo, conditioner, razors, wash cloths, and body wash everywhere.  I told her to be sure to put everything back where it belongs and step into the shower. Mylie is in front of me. I went to lift Mylie up to put her on the shower seat and my foot slipped which caused me to fall forward into the wall.  My falling caused me to push Mylie forward and she slid on the shower seat that was very slippery from shampoo or something. She flipped sideways and hit her head on the hand rail. I screamed out, Mylie started crying, I almost started crying.  I screamed out to Talise for her to help us out and clean up her mess while I checked Mylie out. No bumps or bruises, just crying hard and very scared. Once the shower was clean Mylie was very clingy as she was scared that we were gonna fall again. After we got out and dried off we went to eat some pie I had made earlier. Talise kept asking me to show her where I fell and I was still irritated so I told her to drop it. I got us all pie and as we sit to eat it Mylie wants to get on the sofa. I took the bowl from her and sat it on the coffee table so I could help her up.  She took that as me saying no and went boneless.  I lost it. I picked her up while yelling at her to stop it and put her on the sofa. She immediately went to get back off so she could get her pie.  I told her I was giving her her pie and she said ok.  Then she told me not to do that, and she loved me. I felt like poo.  Worse than poo. She is my baby, and I yelled at her.  After she got scared. I feel horrible for arguing with Talise all day.  I feel a lot like I remembered my own mother behaving and I do not like it. I do not have many fond memories of her. In fact, we aren't speaking now. I really hope that I can do enough good so that this little episode doesn't change who they are too much.  I don't want them to remember me as crazy.   That is how I feel today though. I hope it goes away when I give birth. I am definitely bringing it up tomorrow.

Baby shower and Braxton Hicks

Saturday at work the girls threw me a baby shower. It was really nice. LOTS of good food, gifts and friends. It meant a lot to me. Plus, just seeing blue bags made me feel weepy. I got diapers, clothes, sleepers, onesies, bath supplies, blankets, towels, sweet cards, gift cards and money. I already spent the money! I ordered a moss colored Moby wrap and a Snuggle Me Cushion in the groovy cars design. I almost cried about ordering stuff for my little guy too. I have been SO weepy lately. When I got home Sunday night I cried twice! My sweet husband at first seemed annoyed, then came and hugged and kissed me and blamed it on the impending arrival of Bronson. I think he is right.  All weekend at work I had Braxton Hicks contractions like crazy.  Especially Sunday, whoa! I am definitely gonna bring it up to Dr. B. At my last appointment Dr. B. mentioned that we could schedule an induction as early as 38 weeks if need be.  I don't want to, BUT I am SO worried about Fernando not making it home. I think I am going to bring that up at my next appointment also.  That could be as early as June 5th! WOW! That's 54 days. 

Sticking to my word

That has never been my strong point. Especially with loved ones. Mainly, my girls. I cave, pretty quickly. I am a guilty mom. Always guilty about something.  I worry so much about turning into my own mother that I tend to allow too much. Talise was not a happy girl this morning. She was stomping and grumbling and yelling at Mylie. I know she needs some summer clothes and it has been my intention to buy her some today. I told her this morning that she would have to earn them. Her attitude has to improve. It took all i had in me to NOT go buy her things. How crazy is that. She made me and Mylie miserable this morning, yet I was going to go back on my word and buy her things out of guilt. Guilt for knowing that her old summer clothes either don't fit or are getting ratty.    I will probably take her to the store next week, especially if she behaves well for Fernando. Not a lot, just essentials. What's worse, she knows I am a sucker.  Stinker!

Worst Mom of the Year Award

Definitely goes to me.  At least my oldest child would think so. She's had what I thought was a cold since March 13, 2010. This week she started complaining of a headache and sore throat, I figured it was allergies.  The pollen has been crazy. Yesterday she comes home from school and goes straight to bed . That worried me. So, I broke down and called the doctor. She is indeed sick, she has a sinus infection and pneumonia! I feel horrible. She is just SO dramatic about things, and she hasn't felt feverish. Oh well, at least she's being treated now. Also, she is so angry with me right now. That spat my mother started is causing all sorts of grief.  My mother won't answer the telephone because she has caller i.d. which makes Talise cry. My mother speaks about me to Talise, which makes Talise cry. My mother went out and got a puppy, the exact kind Talise has always wanted and was calling her everyday to tell Talise about the puppy's day. Talise misses that. Talise is upset that she won't be seeing my mother over spring break now, that visiting wasn't good enough. That my mother is being so stubborn.  Her feelings are really hurt, and since I am available, she lays blame and anger on me. She says she's angry with her granny, but I am the one she yells at, stomps around and talks back to.  I am trying to be sympathetic. It's not easy.

Total Screaming Mimi

That is how I feel lately. Grumpy as I can be. My toddler is being defiant, which I know is completely normal. I am used to her being extremely obedient though. My oldest is an instigator. She does what ever she can to get the toddler screaming which in turn, makes me scream  Well, technically I choose to scream because I feel like I will explode if I don't. I hope this passes soon. I don't like it. I don't want my girls thinking back on their childhood and remembering me having a tantrum. That's what it boils down to.

Randomness

I feel huge. When I look at pictures of when I was pregnant with Mylie I know that I am not that big. Bronson just feels like he is everywhere. I took the stairs at work on Sunday. One flight. I thought I was gonna stroke out. I could barely breathe. I was proud that I didn't collapse. Only ten more weeks! That's if I go to term. Bronson could be here in as little as 7 weeks.  That blows my mind. I have got to get busy! My co-workers (angels I tell ya) were planning a secret baby shower for me for next Saturday.  How do I know about this surprise that they have worked so hard to keep from me? Well, someone at work that was sent the email about it, the email that was sent to everyone in my department but me, posted it on the bulletin board. My girls were so upset! I felt SO much love and gratefulness. I really did expect it. So, after this weekend I will start buying stuff. I have to get a few things for me to wear also. I have made it this far (30 weeks) without buying any maternity clothes! It is starting to get uncomfortable. I need to get Talise to take a picture of my baby bump. I guess that is enough rambling.

All things Easter

28 week check up

So this morning I met with my wonderful ob/gyn for my 28 week check up. I had a sneaking suspicion that my weight was up as people have commented on how large my belly is. I do tend to get a rather big gut, but I am really short and the baby has no where to go but out. I ALWAYS have a tremendous belly while pregnant.  After Mylie was born my belly collapsed. Even the dr. commented on how flat it was. I REALLY want that to happen again. Then, I got on the scale. All I can say is VOMIT! I am so completely bummed out. I gained more than I would have liked.  I know that sounds so vain and stupid, oh well.  I guess I am vain and stupid.  The weight gain is the most difficult part of pregnancy for me. I brought it up to the nurse. She was super nice about it. She assured me it was fine, but that I did have some protein in my urine also. Now I am starting to freak out! She said my blood pressure was excellent so she is not at all worried. Well, that is just not good enough for me. So, when Dr. B came in I told him I was concerned ( actually completely freaked out ) about my weight gain. He said it was a bit much, but I am still right where I should be because I hadn't gained much at all up to this point. I should be fine. Now I have to convince myself of that! My goal is to not gain more than 1 pound a week until I birth this baby!  On a positive note, I asked him if there are other methods of pain control besides narcotics or an epidural.  I'd really like to try to go natural but, I tend to tear, pretty bad.  I'd rather not feel that tearing of my birth canal along with a person trying to exit it. That just doesn't appeal to me. He said he could watch for signs of tearing and should it appear as if I will he could inject Lidocain to the area so I won't feel it. That pleases me. I will still fill out epidural paper work just in case I wimp out. I've been known to be quite wimpy. Only time shall tell.