Friday, December 20, 2013

A New Era

The reason for me starting the blog has come to an end. I will still write when I feel the need to. My babies are now 13, 5, 3 and 15 months. Our family is complete.I feel complete satisfaction with the size of our family. I adore each of my children and feel extremely blessed to have them. Our life has fallen into place. I have a wonderful husband. We compliment each other well. We fight just like every one else in a relationship does, but we are devoted to our family. We always find a way to compromise with each other. We are now settled into our gorgeous new home. It is large enough for each child to have a space of their own to get away to. I am so grateful for that. Emma has told me some of her friends have expressed a little envy of her because of her home and the things she has. I will admit that hearing that warms my heart. For the longest time I worried that she would be picked on for not having nice things, being poor. I drove he ugliest, run down vehicles for such a long time. She was embarrassed of them but didn't say anything at the time. Recently she admitted it. She didn't want to hurt my feelings before. It's not that I want her friends to envy her, I'm just glad that we are able to give her a life worth envy. With every thing in a good place, it made it more acceptable when my doctor said the "H" word. Since having Bree I have had a horrid time with my cycles. I have become anemic because of them. The anemia has brought on headaches all the time. At least five a week. I had dizzy spells and felt run down most of the time. My cycles were very painful. Sometimes I couldn't even stand up straight from the pain. All the symptoms made me very irritable. I tried to save my patience for the children so poor Bryan caught the brunt of my irritation. I went to the doctor more than once. We tried different birth control methods, hormones, nothing worked. So, last Friday I had a total hysterectomy. I kept my ovaries. No more periods. No more babies. I expected to grieve. I expected to feel regretful. So far that is not the case. I am healing from surgery, but otherwise feel great. I feel happy. I've felt an increased surge of love towards my husband. I feel OK. Maybe the grieving will come later. Maybe it won't.

Thursday, October 3, 2013


We finally got into our brand new home. What a relief to be in a bigger environment. We are no longer all over each other and actually have some quiet. The kids adjusted quickly and love having their own spaces. It's been fun watching them pick out furniture and helping decorate their rooms. Bree is no longer a baby. She is officially a toddler. My last baby is one year old. That fact brings a tear to my eyes. Here is a peak of her first birthday pictures:

Here are some of her party pictures:
She opened presents like a professional. We are so proud of her!
My other September baby is officially a teenager. Emma is 13! That blows my mind.  I wasn't able to get many pictures of her celebrating, she is 13. That should be enough explanation. We celebrated at the county fair.Here are a few pictures:

It's been an eventful month!. I look forward to many more celebrations with my wonderful family in our new home.

Monday, July 29, 2013

Not very lady like

I've been doing a lot of thinking. Trying to figure out how to handle certain situations. From a very young age I've been taught to behave properly. Act like a lady. Be polite. Be the bigger person. Be respectful and respectable. The problem is, that doesn't always work. I can go completely out of my way to be kind and if someone has decided not to like me it doesn't matter. So after great thought and discussion Ive decided why bother? Nothing I have done has changed anything. I don't want to be at all ugly to anyone. However if I am described as psycho, and unliked why not be considered psycho and unliked for good reason? I am by no means saying I will go out of my way to be spiteful, malicious or conniving in any way. I will just no longer hold back. For now on I will speak my mind. Holding it all in breeds resentment. All the resentment built up inside me is not only causing me stress but it trickles out to others. It will be difficult to let go but I bet it will be freeing as well.

Friday, July 5, 2013

People who live in glass houses...

It truly amazes me the way some people's minds work. How certain actions are justified by some, but not others. Why is it alright for one to seek out any tidbit of information that can possibly be turned into something remotely negative and it be completely accepted. In fact, not only accepted, but embraced as if they were honorable. I would love an explanation. How a general statement can be assumed and twisted. Then when people get bent out of shape over what they believe to be true, the author is at fault.  Even though the upset is due to conniving and sneaky behavior.  The digging, stalking, stealing of information, poor interpretation, assumptions and rewording of statements is regarded as dignified. If I am  asked about what I say or write I am happy to explain.  I try my best to always be accountable. I own up to whatever I put out into the world. I shouldn't have to defend my words, thoughts or feelings because someone believes that my comment is about them. If I chose to explain, what I say should be accepted or at least considered. When a person I have blocked to help prevent any problems goes so far as accessing someone else's accounts to see what I write they have a problem. When they intercept emails I write to a mutual friend, read them, forward the email to themselves, then delete the email so the person it was intended for never sees it, they have a problem. I find it both frightening and flattering. Obviously the person is stalking me. I must consume their thoughts. Why else would they go to such lengths to try to get at me? I must be pretty spectacular to cause such insecurity in others. The fear comes from the absolute, pure crazy that must reside inside such a person causing them to behave in such a way. Either way, it's nice to know that someone is always thinking of me. Maybe one day the people that think it's alright to hold a different set of standards and acceptable behavior for certain people and not others will see the fault in that way of  thinking. Doubtful, but I can hope. I refuse to accept it. I will not filter myself from expression to appease others. I understand that many believe in keeping things bottled up, not sharing dirty laundry. I feel that a full life has highs and lows. I chose to share both. I am real. I relate to and respect people that are real and open with me.  Anyone that is overly quiet or only speaks about positives I have a difficult time trusting. Life doesn't work that way. People sometimes disagree. Children sometimes misbehave. Spouses sometimes cheat. Houses sometimes foreclose. Things happen. Talking about going through difficult times makes them easier to get through. At least it does for me.  It doesn't matter though. My choice to be  honest and open is also serving as a place for others to lay blame. I'm sure this too, will be sought out. I will be surprised if my words aren't again a source for upset. We all look at the same situation from a different perspective. Grasping that has proven difficult for some. People will most likely stay bothered by my thoughts and my willingness to share them. I try to use general terms to spare feelings, but it seems that being general makes more people assume my thoughts are regarding them. Its sad that they see so much negativity in themselves to make such assumptions. I have no control over that though.  I will continue to write about my life because it brings me peace.

Thursday, June 27, 2013

I am no shrinking violet

I feel betrayed. It's a horrible feeling. What's worse is not being able to confront the ones that do it.  It seems so many  that claim to accept and love my family truly don't. At least they are nice to my face. It is hurtful. Maybe because I respectfully speak my mind when asked. I do voice my concerns. I do not just sit back and obey. These are all qualities my husband loves about me. He lived as a single man for 35 years. He worked, slept, and partied mostly. He spent more time with his family than he is able to now I believe. When we met we had an instant, intense connection. Everything happened rather quickly and it seemed to have upset people. My husband and I disagree on occasion, just like every other couple. We stay respectful, do not name call or get physical in any way. Call me naive but I have no worries about him running around on me. you know why? He chose me and my three children out of all the women he dated in his 35 years before we met. He's not as expressive as I am but that man adores me. He shows it. Even when he is mad at me he always tells me he loves me and kisses me bye before work. He always is sure to tell me good night. He puts me and our family first. We are partners. I wouldn't ever hurt him in any way either. I am proud of the man he is. I know in my heart he would do anything to protect and support us. I would do the same for him. I make sure he eats well and has a hot meal when he gets home from work. When I am out and see something he's mentioned wanting, I get it.  We laugh, we share the same interests, we enjoy each other. We compliment each other. I keep a clean house and the laundry washed all week, so he picks up on the weekends for me. That way I don't have to come home to a filthy house after working 32 hours in 48 hours. I get up with Bree all week so he can sleep before work and he gets up with her if she wakes 2 nights a week for me. He works overtime as often as he can so we have extra money to save and go out on. Although we rarely go out. He chooses to work extra. he doesn't have to because I do not sit at home all the time. I work to. I contribute more funds towards our family than he does. It hurts me to hear that people get pissy about him having to get up with our baby 2 nights a week. he worked more overtime when he had his sister and her family or 4 living in his house with out contributing, but that was OK I guess. He doesn't go out on the weekends while I work because he is intimidated to take all the kids out without my help. He doesn't call or visit family much any more because he'd rather spend time with us. He's hurt by all the negative he hears about me. He sees all the effort I make to be loving to everyone. It's really sad. I've overlooked so much out of love for him so he is happy. I do not understand why the rest of his loved ones cannot do the same. i love our mom. She is the only one that seems to truly accept us. Knowing my children are viewed differently than our child together is extremely hurtful. i am trying very hard to not act out or be bitter about it but it has weighed heavy on my heart. That makes it quite difficult to forgive. I love that my husbands family gets together often. I really enjoy that. Now that the negativity is trickling down to my children as well we may all stop attending them. The worst part of all of this is no one will ever come ask me anything. They won't speak to me about any issues they have with me or about me. Its all smiles to the face and knives in the back.

Friday, April 12, 2013

You have what you feel you deserve

I think that is how the saying is worded. That's the gist of it. I've heard it before I ever went to school, early in my first marriage. I remember thinking I know I deserve better than this. Not speaking of my ex husband at the time, because I truly loved him for most of our marriage even if he didn't deserve my love. We lived in a tiny single wide, one bedroom trailer in a trashy trailer park with the most ridiculous neighbors.  It was exactly what you think of when you think of poor white trash. I was not raised that way. We were at least middle class. No fancy vacations every year, but I had nice things and didn't want for much as a child. We rarely made rent on time and rent was cheap. We walked down to the little lake and fished a lot. We were broke. I didn't work and he barely worked. His job was weather dependent. Everyone told me that we all struggle in the beginning of life. It was part of starting out. My ex had seven jobs that first year. Yes, seven. I was 19, he was 27. I talked him into going to trucking school and things started looking up. I got pregnant with our first child and thought, naively, that having a baby would set his priorities. He'd keep a job and be responsible because it's not just us. If I'm not worth working for surely our precious little baby is. He quit his trucking job when I found out I was pregnant. When she was 4 months old he quit another job, then another, then another. I remember thinking my baby deserves more. I'd get so jealous of my friends that could go by their babies new clothes from nice stores, and go have their photo's taken at nice places. I always got the free picture. Most of her clothes came from yard sales and dollar stores. Thank goodness for my mom. She bought her lots of things she needed. That is when I decided it is up to me to change my life. I decided to go to school. I went to the department of labor to see what careers were most in demand. I didn't want to go to school and still be jobless. It was difficult, but I did it. I graduated x-ray school with a degree. I was so proud. I even got a great job as a student making more money than I ever imagined I would. We were quickly able to save for a house. My brother in law had helped my ex husband stay employed with him. He put out so many fires my ex started. I don't know where we'd be without all his help. I thought, this is it. I will finally have what I deserve. I've worked so hard to get it. I have been rock bottom financially, our relationship was rocky at best. When I started getting paid he was nicer, but jealous. I am an emotional eater so during my early marriage, between all the abuse and financial struggle I got insanely fat. You'd think being broke would thin a person out. Not having funds to buy junk. The thing is, most food banks give out junk. Processed foods that keep for a while. Yes, we were that bad off. I often went to food banks, churches and other organizations for help. I worked while I was in school though. I didn't use the government. I am grateful for it's help. I got off track. We found a house that we liked and signed a contract to start building. All was going great. We got moved in and loved it. Our community was nice, it had a pool we could take Talise to. Their was always some community function happening. It was great. I had gastric bypass surgery because I was disgusted with how I looked. I am not a fat person. Inside, I never was. I was just a miserable person. I wanted to be happy and confidant again. The recovery was long and hard. I followed the rules and the weight fell off in 6 months. It was amazing. I went from a size 20-22 to a 4-6. So now I was thin, young, had a great house and daughter. I felt like I had made it for a short while. Just two years into having our house I lost my job. My ex didn't make enough money to pay the mortgage. I worked three prn jobs to try to keep our house. I applied at every hospital and clinic within an hour of me. Even ones I knew I didn't want to work at. I didn't want to lose what I had worked so hard for. My ex refused to get a second job. We were going to file chapter 13 so we could keep our house. Then I found out I was pregnant. I did not want to have to deny my new baby anything so our house foreclosed and we moved into a rental. It was embarrassing. The rental was old and shabby. I hated it. When I brought Mylie home from the hospital I cried because I felt like such a failure. I got my current job when Mylie was 3 weeks old. Thank goodness for it because my ex quit working when she was 4 months old. I moved to Alabama so I could afford to take care of my family. I did too. I worked and paid for everything. I even took us on a small vacation. When I got pregnant with Bronson I told my ex he HAD to work. Period. He was 39 yrs old and useless. I put him through trucking school again as his cdl had expired. No job was good enough for him. He quit three trucking company's before he left. He left when Bronson was 2 months old. I cried for 10 minutes out of shock then realised I was much better off. Maybe now I could have what I deserved. The last two years have been a whirlwind. I met and fell in love with my husband. We married, had a baby and on Monday we sign a contract to start building our home. When I spoke to the mortgage broker and she told me we were approved and how much for I cried. I have struggled so much and worked so hard and every time I though this is it, something bad happened. My marriage is far from perfect. I adore my husband and he adores me. He is the most responsible man I know. He would shovel poo if he had to in order to provide for our children. When we went and looked at the house we plan to build I thought, this is gorgeous. No way will we be able to live here. It is what I always imagined as mine. What I always thought I'd have, but didn't. When she said yes, pick a lot you are approved I cried out of joy and the realization that I did not work or suffer in vain. I have an equal that will bust his tail to keep what we have. We both deserve to have something to be proud of. Don't get me wrong, I love the house we are in now. I love one of our neighbors, our yard and the area we live in. We are just too much for such a little place. Our kids will no longer have to share a room. They will have a pool and playground to go to. We will be in the middle of everything. We are both so excited. Life feels good right now.

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

My oldest child is a pre-teen. That sentence alone is enough to induce panic in me. In just the last two years she has gone from this:

To this:

She is just so beautiful. She doesn't see it. She really dislikes me taking her picture. Sometimes she catches me staring at her. She gets upset when she does. She is getting so slim. I've been having to buy her new jeans for the first time in three years because her old ones are too big.  She got boys after her like crazy and unfortunately learning how mean an envious girl can be. She's also learning the value of true friendship.  I feel this is the most difficult age to parent. Everything is such a gray area. I never know when it's OK to cuddle her or not. Sometimes she's really receptive to affection. When she's not, the way she jerks away so fast, as if I am contagious, really hurts.  She has always been such a fun, silly girl. I like to be silly with her. That is also a sensitive area. Usually my jokes and sarcasm are received as just that, others it is considered an insult of some sort and tears or angers follows. She wants more privacy, but is still too immature for as much as she requests. She helps me out so much with her siblings and around the house, but won't do much without my asking first.  She has the normal teenage angst. I know it is a phase that will pass, probably all too soon. It is exciting seeing her transform into a young lady. Seeing how talented she is, hearing her praise by others fills my soul with pride. She is extraordinary. I am overcome with love for her. Everything about her that makes raising her at this age difficult is compounded when seeing interactions with her peers. Hearing about her disagreements with her friends is tough. When girls get vicious it is intensely difficult to remain an adult and not flip out! I feel a much greater need to protect now. Not that I haven't always been protective, but I remember being a teenage girl. I can still recall  certain girls that turned on me and tried to make others follow suit. When I see a post on social media saying negative remarks about my daughter I am taken back to that feeling from my childhood. I have to fight to refrain from getting snarky.  I read often about teens being bullied and taking their own life, or snapping and hurting others. I'll be damned if that's one of my babies. Not if I can help it. It's even worse when she feels an injustice by an adult. That really ignites a fire in me. I have learned to go straight to the source and hear out both sides. Even the times the adult is justified my heart still aches for my daughter because of how the situation affected her. Remember those boys I mentioned earlier? That's another conundrum I am not ready for. She's had boys claim her since she was three years old. I've never been a fan, but now that hormones are involved it causes anxiety for me. On the one hand, I love seeing her face light up when she shows me a note from her boyfriend. I am grateful that she confides in me and actually shows me the messages. I dread heart break. I know it will happen one day. It sucks to see your baby hurt and not be able to fix it. I hate the thoughts. Trying to properly parent her rather than be her friend usually makes her mad at me. It's difficult. I love her so much. I pray that once we get through these years she will still love me, and call. I want us to be close. I want to be liked, but I want her to be a productive member of society with good morals and self respect more. I know once she is grown, has a child of her own and experiences the overwhelming love parents have she will understand. Hopefully then it will click and she will come back to me if things get strained between us. Until then I will do my best to give her as much love as she needs the way she needs it and pray.

Friday, February 15, 2013

Look at this face

See this tiny little face? Five months ago today I got to see this precious little face for the first time. She came into this world looking so much like her father our only resemblance was that we are both girls. She was the smallest baby I have ever held in my arms. She was absolutely beautiful to me. All my worries about how she'd look compared to my other children were washed away the first time I laid eyes on her.

Look at how much this precious, not so little, face has changed! She is even more beautiful to me. She is resembling me and her brother and sisters more each day. She is such a sweet natured, happy girl. She is in my arms always. She is in constant motion. She coos, laughs and smiles so much. She is such a blessing. We are are extremely grateful to have her in our family. I love hugging her. I am pretty much the only one she will just relax on, and I cherish that. She will lay her sweet smelling head on my chest and go limp. I just rub her back, or wrap my arms around her and try to soak up every ounce of tiny baby goodness. She is quite curious, loves interacting with her siblings, and chews her hands all the time. She sits well with assistance, can roll from her tummy to back and from back to her side. No solids yet and no crawling. I fear that I may hinder that skill because I keep her in my arms so much. She likes being worn when we go shopping, and adores having Mylie sing to her. She will calm almost instantly when Mylie does. She wakes up happy and has recently started sleeping through the night.  I am so in love with this girl.

Thursday, February 7, 2013

Where do you see yourself?

On the radio this morning they hosts were talking about how far they've come in 10 years. How they never would have thought they'd make it to where they are currently. I started thinking about it. Ten years ago I was an underemployed mother to a 2 year old little diva. I was unhappily married. I was so very poor. I had just started my core classes for my current career. I was on daycare assistance, housing assistance, foodstamps, and WIC. The government was paying for me to go to school. I was shuffling money around to pay bills before they were cut off.I lived in the least expensive apartments in my town. My neighbors openly smoked pot on their porch. My relationship with my ex was troublesome at best. I had Talise though. I also had a few good friends. I was 100 pounds over weight. I was just not in a happy place. My only joy was my very spirited, funny, mischievous daughter. Never would I have ever thought I would end up where I sit today. I am SO blessed. That same mischievous little diva is now 12 and still causing me headaches, but so much pride and joy as well. I have three other amazing children. All so different, and so much fun. I have an abundance of love. They love each other so too. I have a wonderful husband. He shows me love and fills me with confidence. I'm complimented daily on something. We are far from perfect, but so much closer to perfect than my last relationship. I've got an amazing family. I have an amazing extended family. I have wonderful in laws on both sides. I adore my brother's wife. I adore my husbands parents. I've grown so close to my mother in law. It's so nice because she treats me like a daughter and a friend. We don't have any of the baggage that is usually there with moms and daughters. I look forward to speaking to her on the phone and truly enjoy our visits. Bryan's parents are amazing, loving, warm grand parents. I have a great job that I love doing. I can provide for my family.  I love my co-workers and feel more like friends with them than just sharing a work space.  My husband owns (financing) our home and we have good, reliable vehicles. I no longer worry about finances. We can pay all our bills on time. I no longer require or even would qualify for any type of assistance.  I am now an average, healthy weight. I feel pretty good about myself, both physically and my character. I say all this not to brag, but to show gratitude and the realization of how far I've come. Looking back at the last ten years makes me anticipate the next ten. I cannot wait to see what they bring.

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Inner Voice

The quote " The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice"- Peggy O'Mara really speaks to me. I'm sure it does most parents. I  grew up in an abusive household. Name calling, beatings, nearly constant dysfunction. With that being said, my mother was often affectionate and said she loved me daily. I guess she felt that those things would erase the negative. We all know that bad memories tend to stick with us more than positive. I'm told frequently how patient I am as a mother. In fact, my current husband has referred to me as a doormat when it come to my kids. I have a hard time seeing it that way. Maybe because inside, when they are being loud, fighting or just all over the place I feel out of control myself. I know I have the crazy in me. I can envision pummeling people that really get to me, not just my kids. I don't do it. Just having the thought brings on tremendous guilt. I took to saying how I felt rather than acting out when my oldest child was very young. Rather than smacking her I'd tell her that what ever it was she was doing at the time to drive me mad made me feel like hitting her. I thought that by saying rather than doing it was somehow better. Now, when I hear her say the same things to her younger siblings I cringe. It is just as bad! I try to not ever call them bad or say that they are stupid. I say they need to behave better or that wasn't a smart choice. They still seem to have only heard the need to be better or not smart. It really bothers me! I am human. I have flipped out more times than I'd care to admit and spanked them, looked wild eyed, or said something I immediately wanted to take back. I feel like a failure. I mean, how in the world am I to raise confident, productive members of society will all the negative. I am like my mother. I give kisses all the time. I hug. I praise. I spoil. I try to take each of them out with me individually for quality time. I try to be fair. Maybe it's the ages they are at, 12, 4, 2, and 4 months. I know they love me. They follow me around and tell me all the time. I know it's unrealistic of me to think that anyone looks back at their childhood and only has happy memories. I just pray that all the positive out weighs the negative ones. I want my girls to know their worth, how very special and amazing they are. I want my son to be a responsible, loving, hard working young man and believe in himself. I want them all to know that I always love them, no matter what they do or who they become. I will always do whatever I can to make their lives better, to help attain what they want out of life. No, I won't always agree with them. I may cry. I may advise otherwise, but my love will never stop or change. I really hope their inner voice is a voice of love. A cheerleader, encouraging them, signing their praises.

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Am I too personal?

I often wonder if people that read this, or my facebook posts think I am far too personal. My mother in law called me on it. She said I should only post positive things or something to that effect. I think a lot of people feel that way. To me it isn't real. I am human. I experience both positive and negative. Sometimes things are wonderful, sometimes things are extremely difficult. Even though I am almost an open book, I do hold back a lot. I refuse to paint everyone in bright, happy, smiley light though. Life doesn't happen that way. I hope that I do not come across as transparent, difficult to please or bitchy. I am just me. Not perfect by any means. I try to be the best me possible and fail often. I love fiercely. I am beyond sensitive. I over think. I may forgive, but never forget. I have tantrums. I feel guilty almost instantly every single time I raise my voice. I usually handle conflict from anyone that I am not sure loves me with passive aggression. I am extremely sarcastic. I find horrible, mean things humorous. I am opinionated. I am loyal. I am me. I do my best to be a decent, productive, helpful person. I am not and will not be a door mat. I take more crap from my kids than I ever will from anyone else.  My bark is bigger than my bite. I expect the same of anyone that loves me. I want to feel treasured. Not only by my husband and children but by my friends. I choose them carefully. I guard them. I am easily hurt and expect a lot out of people. I am often let down. So, please, if I offend. If I come across as too forward or too open. I am me. I am just getting through life just like every one else. Feel free to message me, comment or email me. I welcome the input. Oh! This is in no way about my mother in law. She is amazing, I adore her.  I just mentioned what she said because I found it relevant.