Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Heartless

Fernando has been kicked out of his buddy's house. The one that was SO important that Fernando argued with me over going out with him. July 4, 2010 His friends wanted to meet up to shoot off fireworks. Bronson was about 4 weeks old at the time. I had NO help from him with Bronson or keeping up the house. So, I did not want strangers coming to the house. I wanted to get out though. I was having a really hard time with post partum depression. His buddy wanted to meet at the lake at 11:00 a.m. No way was I going to have my newborn out in the heat like that all day. I suggested either we could meet up with them in the evening or Fernando could go with the girls and come get Bronson and me later on when it started to cool off. He started telling his buddy how psycho I was and that I ruined everything. Needless to say after that I wasn't exactly anxious to meet this guy. This is the same buddy that told him about this other job, the one Fernando still hasn't gotten. The buddy that Fernando quit his last job to go work with. So basically he dropped his family to hang out with this dream buddy, who kicked his tail to the curb. He cried to Talise yesterday. Boo flipping hoo! That angers me. The poor girl worries so much about everything as it is. Man up and shut your pie hole. He has been emailing me like mad. Thinking he is going to weasel his way back in here. Don't think so. Finally we are free. He was abusive. I feel shameful and foolish even admitting it. I feel stupid and like a horrible parent for staying so long. I often had to intervene. I am not perfect. I do the best I can. We've been on the verge of divorce so many times.  I should have left just five months in, the first time he hit me after we were married. I should of not married him after he threw me across the room while we were engaged. I don't like to admit failure. At least now I have three amazing babes, I am a stronger, less tolerant woman. The entire reason for me going to college was so that I could divorce Fernando and take good care of Talise. I didn't want her to do without. So now I am educated and have a good job. I work two days a week and still am able to support my family. I suffered.  We suffered. We are better.  Good even. He always told me I was a selfish, heartless bitch. so why do I feel  tiny bit bad that he has screwed up so many relationships that his own family won't take him in.  He currently resides in a hotel somewhere. A room that his brother paid for just to keep him off the streets but out of his home. It's a bit pathetic. I do not love him. I do not miss him. I am actually quite gleeful to be free of him. My heart aches for Talise. She is worried. I guess it's a good thing that I am heartless huh? He did it to himself.