Monday, August 16, 2010

How is it?

How is it that you can completely love someone and not be able to stand them at the same time? It's a crummy feeling to have. I've been feeling that way a lot lately. Pulled. Conflicted. I love my oldest child so incredibly much, yet half of the time I have to really bite my tongue to be nice. I pray that we survive puberty. I read online that age 10 is supposedly a very difficult age. I agree. You know what though, ages 0-9 & 3/4 have been tough too! My husband and I have been a little funky again. So I've felt that way towards him too. We had a long talk today and hopefully things will get back on track. Things have just been stressful financially which of course trickles down to other areas. Bronson must be going through a growth spurt or something.  My poor nipples hurt, he has been on me all day, literally. If he wasn't nursing I was wearing him in the Moby so I could get chores done. Eventually I danced him to sleep for a bit. He just hasn't slept well today. He'd go down for maybe 20 minutes then want to be held. I LOVE holding and cuddling with him. That didn't bother me at all.  I felt horrible for Mylie though.  She's still a baby and needs me too. She got very little of me today. The poor girl refused to nap, she just wanted me to hold her. I put Bronson down as often as I could to try to give some of myself to her. I don't know if you're familiar with Family Guy or not but Stewie, Mylie could totally pull off his role. When she needs me and I can't get to her she'll stare at me and yell out "Momma!" over and over. She does not stop unless I ask what. I can look right at her, she'll just continue. I can say Mylie, and she'll continue.  I can ask her to stop, she continues. Oh. My. Goodness! That is the only negative to having a newborn and a toddler. I hate that I can't hold her when ever she needs/wants me too.  She loves her brother though and he LOVES her. If she is anywhere near his field of vision he is watching her. Talise gets a bit jealous of that. She is really left out. She feels like I hate her and am mean. I depend on her for help too much. I get frustrated when she picks on Mylie. I especially get angry when she hits Mylie. She gets mad at me and rolls her eyes, talks back, stomps around, slams doors, the list goes on. It drives me mad. I fuss at her a lot. I don't hug her as often as I used to. I feel bad about that, yet at the same time most of the time she is telling me that she hates me and won't come near me. I worry about our relationship. I want it to be better. I need to pray about it more. I am at a loss. I love her more than anything. She made me a mom. I carried her in my womb and in my arms. I sustained her from my body, I've worked jobs I hated to make sure she's had everything she needed and wanted. I've doted on her, acted crazy over her, been a teacher's nightmare for her. Now most of the time I don't like her, and it breaks my heart. I love her. How is it that I feel this way? I hope this stage ends quickly.  I pray that she comes back to me. I miss my sweet little princess.