Saturday, June 26, 2010

I think it's time

I talk to my doctor. While I was pregnant I felt like a crazy person most of my third trimester.  Just about everything my family did got to me. even work was difficult to handle. My emotions were constantly all over the place. I mentioned it to my doctor twice, he blew it off as just me being pregnant. It has only gotten worse since I've had Bronson. I know baby blues is normal, but I really don't like who I am now. I look a wreck, I feel a wreck. I have to remind myself to eat. I have a hard time sleeping even though I often feel exhausted. I flip out so easily, then feel horrible about it later. That's the worst.  I screamed at Mylie! She's just  baby herself. I don't feel like a good mom at all. I've tried to just blow it off as my hormones just trying to re-adjust.  You know, just getting back to normal. I feel far from normal though. Poor TALISE IS GETTING THE BRUNT OF IT.  sHE'S GOING THROUGH HER OWN HORMONAL STUFF. sHE GIVES ME A LOT OF BACK TALK WHICH ENRAGES ME. i YELL A LOT.  tHEN i CRY A LOT. i LOVE MY KIDS.  tHEY DESERVE TO HAVE THEIR SWEET, HAPPY MOM BACK. fORGET IT WHEN Fernando IS HERE.  He TOTALLY DOESN'T GET IT, AND HONESTLY, RIGHT NOW I'd RATHER HIM NOT EVEN COME HOME.  i CRY ALMOST THE ENTIRE TIME HE'S HERE. He MAKES ME FEEL UNFIT, ANGRY, AND HE TELLS ME HOW CRAZY i AM ACTING.  i KNOW IT!  i DON'T NEED REMINDING. iT'S LIKE IT'S OUT OF MY CONTROL. i KNOW THAT SOUNDS BIZARRE BECAUSE WE ALL CHOOSE OUR ACTIONS, BUT i PROMISE, i DON'T ENJOY MY BEHAVIOR. i DISLIKE IT VERY MUCH. Monday MORNING i WILL BE CALLING MY DOCTOR AND ASKING FOR HELP. i AM NOT HOPING FOR MIRACLES, JUST AN EASE TO THIS. i LOVE MY FAMILY, I'd LIKE TO DEMONSTRATE THAT WAY MORE OFTEN THEN i HAVE BEEN.