Friday, April 30, 2010

A Cruel Dream

Last night I had a dream, it was overwhelming for me. My dear aunt Linda had knocked on my door. When I opened it and saw her sanding there I was confused yet so relieved. I asked her what had happened, where had she been? She told me that she had been in intensive care, something was wrong with her liver, but she is fine now. I told her how I was SO happy she was back.  I had missed her so much, I had no one to talk to. I love her. It felt SO real. Such a joy to see her again. I can't even type it without crying. See, my aunt Linda was like a mother to me, actually better than a mother because I could complain about my mother to her.  She understood, she grew up with my mother. We spoke daily, often times more than once. When my kids got hurt, she was the one I called, after my husband of course. When I achieved something, she made a big deal about it. She was warm and loving, very opinionated, and classy. Saturday, November 14, 2009 I got a call at work informing me that she had died suddenly. I had to vomit. I was in shock. I made it through the funeral services. Then there was my mother. Ugh. She acted hysterical. My girls were scared and upset by her behavior. For months when ever I talked to her she would start crying. I didn't even like to answer her calls. I got aunt Linda's living room furniture. My mother took almost everything of value, even things that were willed to other people as the will wasn't notarized.  Yet she would cry when she came to my house because of seeing the furniture. At first it was annoying. Then I started to get out right mad. MY aunt. My aunt that took me in when my own mother wouldn't let me live with her. My aunt that supported me through graduation from high school and college. My aunt who was the first person to hold my first child outside of me and my husband. She was there for ME for every milestone in my life.  Milestones that my mother missed. She and my mother didn't speak for years. They were on speaking terms before she passed away though. I started to get infuriated. I didn't understand why. Then while talking to a friend of mine she told me the answer. The one I talk to is gone. I couldn't grieve properly because I had no one to talk to. I couldn't talk to my real mother because she is such an emotional mess. It is true. Today out of the blue my daughter asked me if I missed talking on the phone. I don't do that much anymore. No one to talk to really. I said yes, I miss Linda very much.  What I wouldn't give to talk to her again.