Monday, March 17, 2014

How do you know?

I've been dealing with a lot lately.  Big stuff. Mind numbing, I NEVER wanted to experience stuff. Things that will not leave my mind no matter how hard I try. I cry often. Any time alone immediately brings thoughts that I don't want in my head. Taking a shower and here they come. Invading my peace, bringing forth so much despair, anger, resentment. Driving to work I have gotten so consumed with them that I've missed my exit and ended up late from having to back track once I realised my error. Laying in bed, I cannot sleep. I think and rethink every possible thing I should have seen, or known but didn't. W. aves of guilt, rage, betrayal get my adrenaline pumping. My days are spent in exhaustion but I can stay busy. I clean, a lot. Someone hurt my child and I wasn't there to stop it. I couldn't protect them. I can't find the proper words to describe how that makes me feel. Failure. Sorry. Confused. Anger isn't a strong enough word. As soon as I knew I started doing everything I can to help them heal. It's a traumatizing process. DFCS, police detectives, forensics..the more I know the worse it is. I have a constant headache. I have stomach upset. When I try to talk about it with the investigators I start shaking badly which embarrasses me tons. I hurt SO much for my child. My baby that I begged for. How could I not know? My child is safe now. We have a long road ahead of us but progress is being made. I'd really like justice as well. I'm not sure that will happen though. I am pursuing it.  So I've had all this weight on me from this and the psychotic mess from my sister in law creating that profile from a previous post and nearly constant disapproval from other in laws. I broke down. I've had my fill. I believe in letting yourself feel what you need to feel. Experience it and move forward but I feel trapped in chaos. Belittling, hurtful, damaging chaos. I reached out. The physical symptoms of my anxiety and constant upset were getting the better of me. I found a wonderful counselor to speak with. What a blessing. She strongly recommended me see my primary physician for something to take the edge off. I was a blubbering, trembling mess. I'm lucky she didn't ship me right off to the loony bin. She didn't though. She made me feel a lot better and made a lot of since. I'm building up to something, promise. After my mother in law got a copy of the police report I had to file against my sister in law she came over with it. She was going on and on about how it proved nothing. She ended up getting me really upset. It seems no matter what my sister in law does the family somehow either justifies it, doesn't believe it or makes it my fault. I told my husband it would happen before she ever got a copy. I have been trying to pull away from everyone for my own emotional safety. I love my mother in law, but I may have to pull away from her as well. I changed my phone number and didn't give it to any of my in laws. I just can't take anymore nonsense. I am too emotionally fragile right now. I need to focus on healing my child and myself. Well, my husband calls me Sunday at work. Apparently his parents are splitting up and his mom wants to stay a week with his sister and a week with us. I love his mom, but she enabled his sister to have access to me a lot. She may not now, but after everything that has gone on I just don't know if it's a good idea. Plus, I'm kind of her sounding board. I know everyone needs one, and normally I don't mind. It's just that I usually end up getting angry about something that was said about me to her by someone else that she lets slip.  I am so torn. I don't want to turn her down when she needs us, but I really need to heal and I think it would be detrimental to that. Plus, she's made us aware that she needed to focus on other things in the past when we needed her. I just don't know. I wish their were a definite right answer. i don't want to hurt anyone, myself included.