Friday, March 14, 2014
It may seem contrary to the truth, but I am a people pleaser. I often put up a front to seem tougher than I truly am. The last three years have been trying at best. I've had so many blessings. I've grown closer to my father, as have my husband and children. I moved, married, had a baby and moved again. My children are doing well and are healthy. I no longer have the financial stresses I had previously. I pack lunches for my kids, drive them back and forth to school and attend as many functions as possible. When they mention something they want or need I make sure they have it one way or another. I cook dinner more nights than not and we sit as a family to eat it. I clean the house everyday, change out their sheets and pick up their rooms. I stop at two different places in the mornings to make sure everyone has what they want for breakfast on the way to school, which is a 20 minute drive as they both attend out of district. I make sure my husband comes home to a clean house and a hot meal. I cook to his preferences as he is a picky eater. I make sure to buy snacks that he likes so he will eat while he is at work. I call and schedule his Dr's appointments and usually pick up his prescriptions. I consult him on just about everything out of respect. If he mentions something he wants or needs I make sure he gets it. I say all this because I love them all. This is one of the ways I show it. I kiss and dote on as well. When I am out and see something that makes me think of someone I buy it. I like to send random cards or texts to let people know how much they mean to me. I'm not bragging or showing off my greatness. I do all this because quite the opposite is true. I am far from great or perfect. All I want is the same out of others. Acceptance. Love even though I'm not perfect. Proof of it. I've reached out to those that condemn me. I've done everything I know to do to make it right. I've apologized even when I didn't feel wrong. I've sat through talk after talk even though I didn't feel heard. I quit blogging for a while because it upset others. After speaking with a professional I've come to realize that I need to do what is best for me. I cannot control the actions of others I can talk until I am blue in the face and I cannot make them see my point of view or accept me. I cannot make people like me. At this point all I can do is protect myself. So I am setting more boundaries. I am speaking to a professional. I am pulling back from all things that have caused me upset. I cannot be a good wife when I am upset at things my husband cannot control but are related to him. He feels trapped in the middle and it causes turmoil between us. I cannot be a good mom when I am stressed to the max about things I have no control over. As my therapist said, as much a you want a dumpster to be a corvette its a dumpster. It cannot be a corvette so why try to change it. I am only making myself nuts. I will do my best to stop trying to please everyone else and work on pleasing myself. If I am happy with myself then I am a better, more loving wife and mother. So that's what I shall focus on. I want to be the best me I can be. My goal is not to upset other people, but I will start either removing myself from the situation or stopping the conversation. I will defend myself. I will do my best to stay respectful as I feel shameful when I am not. No more people pleasing.