Friday, July 11, 2014

Can't win for losing

That's how I've been feeling lately. I guess stress has gotten the best of me because I have been feeling super grumpy. I hate it. This week and last I've worked an extra day during the week which has messed up our whole routine. My kids get really upset when that happens. We've been getting prepared for vacation, which in a family of six is a big ordeal. My older girls have been such troopers helping me out. I haven't been the easiest person to be around. When I feel myself teetering crazy I tell them I need quiet time. Most of the time it works, other times not so much. Yesterday as a reward for helping me deep clean the house we went to get pedicures. Just me and my two oldest girls. We had really gotten busy tidying up the house and were tired. We deserved it. It was a first for me and Mylie. I had a great time. We relaxed and laughed, just enjoyed being together. It was great. As soon as we got home my mood shifted. Bree was following me around crying non stop. She was hungry and sweaty from being outside with Bryan. Bryan was finishing up waxing my car, which I am so grateful for. I had to figure out dinner, bathe the kids and start another load of laundry. Normally that is no big deal. For some reason I could feel my shoulders tighten and start to ache. Then anger just sort of washed over me. I really had to focus on my temperament to keep from being completely hateful. Every little thing bothered me. Emma came up and rubbed my neck and shoulders for me, without my asking. That little gesture meant so much. I stayed on edged until I had a big ugly cry after the kids went to bed. Bryan said he's noticed that I've been edgy for the last couple of weeks. Ever since the incident I previously wrote about. Today has been much of the same. The kids wanted to go to the pool. Mylie tried to help by getting Bronson in his swim trunks and swim diaper. Why that annoyed me, I do not know. It did though. Then when I came downstairs there was food on the floor which I don't like on my best day. I started barking orders while we cleaned up the down stairs. I checked Bronson's swim diaper, it was too small. I get him changed and start putting Bree in her suit and it starts raining. The kids start melting down and so do I. Emma asks me what is wrong with me lately. I don't know. I truly don't. I don't like it. So, I take some deep breaths and try to calm down. After I feel a bit more relaxed I get on the floor and play with the kids. They eat it up. All three little ones are all over me. I'm tickling and kissing and it's so much fun. We do this until we are all winded. I go to Emma's room to play with her. I know she's a teen but she still needs attention and affection. I try to tickle her and hug her. I have to wrestle her to do it. She says to me, one minute you're all mad the next you're trying to play with me. It's true. The thing is, I'm doing my best. I am human. I don't like when I get angry or sad. I don't like them seeing me as mean towards them or anybody else for that matter. It happens though. It sucks when it does. Her saying that makes me feel like I can't win. I try to calm myself and still the negative wins. I am a firm believer in we choose our behavior. So why is it so easy to choose to show ugliness to the ones that are so important to me? I don't like it. I will try to do better. Stay calmer. It can be quite difficult.