Wednesday, July 2, 2014

Omg! My kid is trying to give me a stroke.

Disclaimer: I am not going into specifics to protect the stupidity privacy of my children.

Well the contentment didn't last long. Things have definitely been spinning out of my control. I feel like I'm circling the drain, holding on with whatever I've got. I'm questioning every choice I've ever made the entire time I've been a parent. To be quite honest, it sucks. That's the nicest way I can think to put it. I cannot wrap my mind around the situation I'm having to deal with. I am completely blown away by the amount of deception and manipulation that has been used against me. Although I do not feel the intention was to cause hurt or mistrust, it did a lot. When I had my first child an overwhelming sense to protect took hold of me. As soon as I saw a positive test I did everything I could think of to be a good mother. Maybe I was misguided or maybe it just wasn't enough. I tried though. Anyone that knows me knows I'm very protective. I'm involved. I have rules. I don't let my children just go out with their friends, I have to meet the parents. I have to know what they are planning to let them do. I have to know that parents are going to be supervising them, that they won't be dropped off somewhere. I get a lot of grief because of that. I honestly don't care though. I'm the parent, not a friend. I don't have to allow things just because another parent does. Still, it wasn't enough. No one warns you before you have children how difficult it is when they become independent. Not just from the pain in the ass stuff like getting into things. When they can make their own mistakes, important ones, and you can't do squat about it. That instinct to protect doesn't lesson as they grow. For me it has intensified. Knowing I only can do so much to keep my babies out of harms way brings me extreme anxiety. That anxiety often provokes me to snoop. My kids know I do it. I do it in front of them. I buy all their things so I feel I have every right to go through them when ever I feel the need to. I do my best to be calm about anything I find that upsets me. I talk to my children about our family values and respecting themselves. I praise them at every opportunity to help build a positive self worth. I am one of those look for the good parents. I try to guide them on their accomplishments rather than just correct negative behaviors. Even with all that, the only thing that matters is what they choose to do with what I teach them. They are human. They tend to prefer to learn the hard way as most of us do. It seems that regardless of all that I do to protect them, it's just not enough. Trouble has a way of finding us. I don't know what else to do. I am conflicted. I try to maintain a balance and give a sense of privacy. With all the lies and manipulation I find that hard to do.I don't want to be so over the top protective that as soon as they get out of the house they run wild. Yet, I refuse to allow certain behaviors while I have a say. It's quite difficult to manage. A very thin line to walk.  I will continue on and do whatever I need to in order to guide them correctly. But like I said before, this sucks.