Tuesday, March 29, 2011

I want to be nice...

I really do. Nice with Fernando for our children. Now, neither of us are mean to each other in front or around them. We don't even discuss difficult things around them. All of  this is enough on our babies. However, any kindness I show towards him he mistakes for my wanting him back. That is absolutely NOT the case. I let him come to Mylie's party. He then wanted to have dinner together, um...NO!  He later texts me how much he wanted to hug me. Sorry, not gonna happen anytime soon buddy. When is it going to sink in? The funny thing is, he blames me! He swears I kicked him out. I should have, five months into our marriage I should have. I'm glad I didn't because I have three amazing blessings because of my tolerance and patience.  After Mylie's party he wanted to discuss what he wants out of the divorce. He actually thinks that I should have to pay half of his debt. He's upset that I filed bankruptcy and he hasn't. Even though if he kept a job we wouldn't have had debt to file on. He doesn't consider all the tickets and fines I've paid for him. He ignores the fact that I paid his way through school, or all the times I went to DFACS to apply for assistance. I've had to call churches, salvation army, Community Action for Improvement, friends and family for financial help. He just wouldn't keep a job because he knew that I would bust my tail for my kids. You know, the reason I went to radiology school was just so I could divorce him and still provide for Talise. I didn't see at the time that I could have survived any ways. I am grateful for my survival skills because of him. I now know that I can and will make it. I've got what it takes. I am not a fan of the resentment I feel towards him. When he looked at me and said that I should pay half of his bills I almost came unglued. I had to take a deep breath and remind him of what all he's put me and our kids through. He wants normal visitation. He has no one to supervise him with the kids. The kids really miss him and want to visit with him. I would love for them to have normal visitation, I am just worried that if that happens what if he sleeps rather than watch them? What if he looses his temper as he's been known to do? He says he's been taking his medication which comforts me. I am torn. He wants me to talk to my attorney about it. I just don't know.