Two Amazing Years

My wonderful, sweet son turned two years old on Sunday.  We celebrated his milestone the Friday before. Just a small gathering of close family. With my first I had large parties and overspent. In the end I'd be broke, tired and worried about bills. What's worse, she doesn't remember any of her parties before she turned 5! She only remembers bits about that one. I have learned my lesson. I now have small a get together, after nap time, with people that will understand if there any meltdowns! My father came. It was nice. It's the first party of my children's that he has been to. Unfortunately, I haven't heard from my mother so she wasn't there. Bryan's sister came with her two boys. It was their first time visiting since my family moved in with Bryan. I was quite nervous about how things would pan out. I really debated inviting them because I didn't want it to be uncomfortable between us. I am so glad I did. The little boys played well together. Mylie and Tristan had fun playing together, but they always do. My mother-in-law came. The kids adore her so they all were excited to see her. Bryan's granny was even able to attend. We all had pleasant conversation and really enjoyed watching the kids play and swim.  It was a great day. Bronson got neat toys that he seemed to be really pleased about. He hasn't gotten possessive about his things yet so his cousins were able to enjoy his new stuff too. Well, except for his new Mickey. He may have had a fit over that one. He never put it down willingly. I had no idea he even liked Mickey Mouse! I am so glad things turned out the way they did! I'd say he had a great birthday. I believe we all had fun.

Fear

The further along I get the more I am freaking out. I am 24 weeks 4 days pregnant. I feel Bree move, kick and squirm all the time. I don't really feel attached yet and that scares me. The fact that I am 34 years old and will be 35 when I have her if she makes it to her due date, scares me. Thinking about her starting pre-k and my oldest being 17 really freaks me out. The idea of her not resembling my other three children plagues me. That one is the most troublesome because not only does it worry me but also causes me guilt. I feel that rationally, I should just be thrilled that so far everything has checked out healthy rather than worry about her beauty.  I don't want her to be the odd girl out. I worry about Bryan favoring her over my other three babies.  I worry about feeling resentment towards her if he does.  I worry about him helping me with her. I worry that he won't because he STILL keeps saying that she could be a he. I think all this worry is keeping me disconnected from her. I worry that she can feel it too. When I get really upset about this stuff I start with the Braxton Hicks and my abdomen gets hard.  I feel SO much stress about all this and not having a pay check while on maternity leave, finding a bigger home we can agree on and getting a bigger car. I actually have night mares about it. I wake with a headache nearly every day. What makes it worse is when I finally broke down and spoke to Bryan about he got all defensive. That just compounded my guilt. I really wanted to be relaxed and happy this pregnancy. It will be my last. That is yet another issue that consumes my thoughts. I am SO done with all of this. I felt complete with my three gorgeous children, but Bryan doesn't have any. Although I know he loves mine I know how much he wanted one of his own. He did not pressure me to get pregnant. Bree was a surprise. My first ever which made me feel like she is completely meant to be. I know I do not want to do this again though. This has been SO hard on me. I work 16 hour shifts having to push and pull patients, most of which are either unable to move themselves or overweight and just difficult to push. By mid-shift my back and legs are aching and by the end of my shift my legs are swollen from the knee down. I am so very tired all the time. I am a hormonal wreck. I swear I cry non-stop over the silliest things which drives me mad. I really want Bryan to have a vasectomy. He wants me to have my tubes tied. He fails to realize I have NO ONE to help me with them children while I heal from that. Plus every one I know that has done that has had horrible cycles afterwards. He's already giving me a hard time about the recovery time after giving birth, yet he wants to do nothing to prevent a future pregnancy. I really hope all this is just my hormones giving me fits. When I voiced all my concerns he took offense. I love him and did not at all intend for that to happen. The only reason I said anything at all was because he was saying he felt shut out. Ugh!

Children are such blessings

I keep telling myself this. Especially in times like now. My middle child, Mylie, knocked over my oldest child's, Talise,  fish bowl. That not only hurt my oldest Talise's feelings terribly but also left her a huge stinky mess to clean. Mylie wants to help clean but is really more in the way than anything. So Talise is crying, yelling, and is extremely grumpy. Mylie is upset because she upset her sister so. Bronson is clueless and cannot understand what all the fuss is about. The fussing woke him up from his nap, which is never a good thing. He is my sleeper. He thrives after a good nap. Disturbances in his sleep patterns aren't fun for anyone involved. So in between the "she's stupid!" and "Leesy is mean to me!" and Bronson crying from being shuffled from room to room between the arguing girls and I try to hold it together and remind myself how blessed I am to have this problem.  It helps when my little fella comes and lays his head against me, even if for just a minute. When Mylie tells me I am pretty I smile. When Talise says, you are not fat, you are pregnant! All those things keep me grounded. Some days it surely is tough being a mom. Some days I cry right along with them. I hate that they don't always get along or appreciate each other. I pray that once they are grown they will. I do love that even though they may fight and aggravate each other if anyone else thinks they are going to pick on one of them the others step in with a vengeance. They can embarrass me, torment me, anger me but they also fill me with so much love. Its overwhelming at times. When I am at my worst, they lift me up. I am so incredibly blessed!