Friday, August 12, 2011

I'm beginning to understand hatred

I never thought I would. I am one to try to say dislike or unhappy with or anything else besides hate. My ex is pulling me towards the latter. Since he is unemployed again the kids have been wanting to see him on the weekends. Mylie, his self proclaimed favorite, got to spend all day Tuesday with him. Talise wanted a day with him also. She never got one so she asked to be taken to stay with him as soon as she got out of school today. I spoke with him yesterday and went over the plans for today and he agreed. Well, a few minutes before Talise got home I called him with no answer. I called again. This time he asks why I am calling and when I remind him he says no. Then when I say that the kids, Talise especially, was going to be disappointed he said well are you bringing them all? I said yeah. His response was even the baby? Then he says nope. He can't handle the I can keep them. When I tell him that I thought he could at least keep them while he's not working or paying child ssupport so I don't have to pay a sitter. Also, once he gets a job who knows how long he"ll be out without seeing them. He tells me to go fuck myself and hangs up on me. Now, I am left with an extremely hurt 10 year old, a crying, unable to understand 3 year old and my sweet baby boy. I do not understand why he doesn't care about. He's told me before that he feels nothing for him. I cannot wrap my mind around a parent not wanting to see their kids. My babies are difficult, demanding, and sarcastic. They drive me insane most often by 9 a.m. There is still no way in hell that I would NOT want to see them The idea of going a month at a time without hearing their sweet little voices and breathing in their smell is completely unimaginable. My heart aches for them. Especially Bronson. He is such an amazing little guy and for Fuckhead to not even care to get to know him. He's only kept him maybe 4 times. I know Bronson is better off, yet I cannot help but cry. I cry for him and my girls. Talise is able to understand and take it personally. Mylie is still too small to get it. She's just hurt and confused and has cried off and on all day for her father. I cry because how can he just toss them aside like trash? We worked hard to get them here. None of my babies were surprises. We went through fertility treatments to get pregnant. After being blessed three times how can you just walk away? I hope to never understand. I can say, my mind is beginning to really comprehend hate on an entirely new level. I'm not at all happy with that.