Six Fabulous Years

My sweet doodlebug is turning six this month. She's such an outstanding girl. She is so smart, artistic, funny and warm. She is such a loving big sister, especially to Bree. They seem to have a special bond. She is a typical little sister, aggravating Emma to no end. She wants to be like her older sister and it drives Emma insane. She is a great helper. She is a honor roll student. She is full of energy and very strong willed. She is looking forward to her birthday party. Planning has been fun. She picked out the invitations and helped me put them together. She is having an art party this year. They will be painting and we went last week to pick out the picture the kids will be taught to paint. She is really excited about that. Mylie asks to draw every single day. She is a creative girl and enjoys showing off her work. We went on pinterest to look at custom cakes for her to choose from. She is stoked about that. She chose a castle cake. I hope it turns out like the picture. I am so blessed to have this little girl in my life. I tried for 6.5 years to get pregnant with her. I prayed, begged God for another child. I had an easy pregnancy, fast and smooth labor, and laughed as she was born. It was such a happy event. She was calm and beautiful. Mylie was an easy going baby. Very cautious and playful. She's always loved to cuddle.I sing to her every night before, even though I can't carry a tune in a bucket. She snuggles up to smiling and always tells me how beautiful I sound. She has such a sweet spirit. She can find a reason to  compliment every person she encounters. I hope she stays that way, finding the good in others. She is forgiving and quick to apologize when she thinks she has hurt someone. She can hear a song on the radio one time and be able to sing it afterwards. She loves to swim and going to the beach. Mylie loves when Emma dresses her up, putting makeup on her and styling her hair. She likes to go outside with Bronson and play with the side walk chalk. She encourages him and tells him how good his drawing is. She always says, you did your best. She likes tickling Bree and making her giggle. Bree sounds so cute when she laughs and Mylie is just the goofiest girl ever. Mylie loves me. I can tell without her saying it. That's my favorite part. I know I'm her mom so it may sound crazy. Every loves their mom. Its different though. Maybe it's because of the like I feel from her as well. We have fun together. Every time I leave the house she has to hug and kiss me. She's so genuine when she does. The past six years have been fabulous. I thank God for them. I look forward to at least 50 more!

How do you know?

I've been dealing with a lot lately.  Big stuff. Mind numbing, I NEVER wanted to experience stuff. Things that will not leave my mind no matter how hard I try. I cry often. Any time alone immediately brings thoughts that I don't want in my head. Taking a shower and here they come. Invading my peace, bringing forth so much despair, anger, resentment. Driving to work I have gotten so consumed with them that I've missed my exit and ended up late from having to back track once I realised my error. Laying in bed, I cannot sleep. I think and rethink every possible thing I should have seen, or known but didn't. W. aves of guilt, rage, betrayal get my adrenaline pumping. My days are spent in exhaustion but I can stay busy. I clean, a lot. Someone hurt my child and I wasn't there to stop it. I couldn't protect them. I can't find the proper words to describe how that makes me feel. Failure. Sorry. Confused. Anger isn't a strong enough word. As soon as I knew I started doing everything I can to help them heal. It's a traumatizing process. DFCS, police detectives, forensics..the more I know the worse it is. I have a constant headache. I have stomach upset. When I try to talk about it with the investigators I start shaking badly which embarrasses me tons. I hurt SO much for my child. My baby that I begged for. How could I not know? My child is safe now. We have a long road ahead of us but progress is being made. I'd really like justice as well. I'm not sure that will happen though. I am pursuing it.  So I've had all this weight on me from this and the psychotic mess from my sister in law creating that profile from a previous post and nearly constant disapproval from other in laws. I broke down. I've had my fill. I believe in letting yourself feel what you need to feel. Experience it and move forward but I feel trapped in chaos. Belittling, hurtful, damaging chaos. I reached out. The physical symptoms of my anxiety and constant upset were getting the better of me. I found a wonderful counselor to speak with. What a blessing. She strongly recommended me see my primary physician for something to take the edge off. I was a blubbering, trembling mess. I'm lucky she didn't ship me right off to the loony bin. She didn't though. She made me feel a lot better and made a lot of since. I'm building up to something, promise. After my mother in law got a copy of the police report I had to file against my sister in law she came over with it. She was going on and on about how it proved nothing. She ended up getting me really upset. It seems no matter what my sister in law does the family somehow either justifies it, doesn't believe it or makes it my fault. I told my husband it would happen before she ever got a copy. I have been trying to pull away from everyone for my own emotional safety. I love my mother in law, but I may have to pull away from her as well. I changed my phone number and didn't give it to any of my in laws. I just can't take anymore nonsense. I am too emotionally fragile right now. I need to focus on healing my child and myself. Well, my husband calls me Sunday at work. Apparently his parents are splitting up and his mom wants to stay a week with his sister and a week with us. I love his mom, but she enabled his sister to have access to me a lot. She may not now, but after everything that has gone on I just don't know if it's a good idea. Plus, I'm kind of her sounding board. I know everyone needs one, and normally I don't mind. It's just that I usually end up getting angry about something that was said about me to her by someone else that she lets slip.  I am so torn. I don't want to turn her down when she needs us, but I really need to heal and I think it would be detrimental to that. Plus, she's made us aware that she needed to focus on other things in the past when we needed her. I just don't know. I wish their were a definite right answer. i don't want to hurt anyone, myself included.

People pleasing

It may seem contrary to the truth, but I am a people pleaser. I  often put up a front  to seem tougher than I truly am. The last three years have been trying at best. I've had so many blessings. I've grown closer to my father, as have my husband and children. I moved, married, had a baby and moved again. My children are doing well and are healthy. I no longer have the financial stresses I had previously. I pack lunches for my kids, drive them back and forth to school and attend as many functions as possible. When they mention something they want or need I make sure they have it one way or another. I cook dinner more nights than not and we sit as a family to eat it. I clean the house everyday, change out their sheets and pick up their rooms. I stop at two different places in the mornings to make sure everyone has what they want for breakfast on the way to school, which is a 20 minute drive as they both attend out of district. I make sure my husband comes home to a clean house and a hot meal. I cook to his preferences as he is a picky eater. I make sure to buy snacks that he likes so he will eat while he is at work. I call and schedule his Dr's appointments and usually pick up his prescriptions. I consult him on just about everything out of respect. If he mentions something he wants or needs I make sure he gets it. I say all this because I love them all. This is one of the ways I show it. I kiss and dote on as well. When I am out and see something that makes me think of someone I buy it. I like to send random cards or texts to let people know how much they mean to me. I'm not bragging or showing off my greatness. I do all this because quite the opposite is true. I am far from great or perfect. All I want is the same out of others. Acceptance. Love even though I'm not perfect.  Proof of it. I've reached out to those that condemn me. I've done everything I know to do to make it right. I've apologized even when I didn't feel wrong. I've sat through talk after talk even though I didn't feel heard. I quit blogging for a while because it upset others. After speaking with a professional I've come to realize that I need to do what is best for me. I cannot control the actions of others I can talk until I am blue in the face and I cannot make them see my point of view or accept me. I cannot make people like me.  At this point all I can do is protect myself. So I am setting more boundaries. I am speaking to a professional. I am pulling back from all things that have caused me upset.  I cannot be a good wife when I am upset at things my husband cannot control but are related to him. He feels trapped in the middle and it causes turmoil between us.  I cannot be a good mom when I am stressed to the max about things I have no control over. As my therapist said, as much a you want a dumpster to be a corvette its a dumpster. It cannot be a corvette so why try to change it. I am only making myself nuts. I will do my best to stop trying to please everyone else and work on pleasing myself. If I am happy with myself then I am a better, more loving wife and mother. So that's what I shall focus on. I want to be the best me I can be. My goal is not to upset other people, but I will start either removing myself from the situation or  stopping the conversation. I will defend myself. I will do my best to stay respectful as I feel shameful when I am not. No more people pleasing.