So not ready

Before I even had Bree I dreaded having to go back to work from maternity leave. Silly, I know. Knowing that she is my last baby is very difficult for me. I don't want to miss anything. So I have counted the weeks and tried to not worry about it. Over all I did good. For some reason I had it in my head that I go back to work 12/15. I got up today to count the weeks again so I could call my boss to get put on the December schedule. I miscounted. I go back 12/8. I even called Human Resources to be sure. Now I am a mess. I have cried off and on all day. My stomach is in knots. I feel confidant in my husband and I know she will be properly cared for. I look forward to having my own money again and seeing my co-workers. I just really want to bring her with me. I know that is not at all a possibility. I love my job. It's just that I will never experience any of those firsts again. No more lasts either. She's recently started cooing a lot. She stares at me now. She looks for me in a room when someone else holds her. She seeks me out when she hears my voice. I am going to miss her terribly. I keep telling myself it's only two days. Seems like nothing but it is two very long, entire days. I will only get to sleep beside her. That's the only time I will get. I will make it. I did with Bronson. I thought he was my last too. Ugh.

Two Months!

I cannot wrap my brain around my tiny little baby being two months old already. It feels like we just came home from the hospital. She's much fatter than she used to be. She is in a size 1 diaper and filling out her newborn clothes now. She smiles at me now. She still sleeps most of the day, but she has started cooing when she is awake. She loves her bath. We are establishing a night time routine. A bottle, a good man belch, then a warm bath. I use the night time baby wash and pour warm water over her little belly while she lays back in the baby sling inside the tub. She coos, smiles and looks around. As soon as I lift her from the water she starts crying. She'd sleep in that tub if I let her. Once out and wrapped up, I give her a baby massage with gel oil, get her a fresh diaper and warm pajama's and her paci. She usually drifts off within a half hour of all this. I love cuddling with her. She is like a mini space heater. She nestles up super close and zonks out. I can breathe in her sweet baby smell and kiss her little head. I cannot believe this is my last go at this. It is bittersweet. I hold Bree as much as I can. Often, I'll feel guilty because I feel I am neglecting Bronson. Any time he comes to me I try to put her down and scoop him up. He's started to kiss and rub Bree more often. He sees that it please us. He's a good boy. He seems to have stopped trying to punish me. I'm torn at no more babies. I feel so foolish even letting that out. I have four beautiful healthy children. My last pregnancy wasn't fun. It wasn't horrible, but not fun. I'm not a fan of getting huge and uncomfortable. I love labor though. The entire process of having a baby is so miraculous. Such a tremendous blessing. Newborns are the most precious thing in the world. All the tiny baby noises, grunts and squirms. Feeling them on your chest.  I am soaking up as much of it as I can from Bree. She seems happy to oblige. I am grateful for every day I have with my babies. I am very protective of them. The idea of going back to work worries me. I just don't want to miss anything. This is my last chance at this. I wish their were a way for me to stay home and not miss a detail at all. At this time their simply isn't. Luckily I have my mother in law to help my husband. I know my babies are in good hands. I'm not worried about them in that sense any ways. I just worry that I'll miss a first. I didn't want to miss any firsts with the others either. This time seems so final that it weighs on me more to witness them all. I want to remember the lasts as well. I was speaking to my grand mother in law yesterday and she was asking if Bree was feeling better. I realized that Bree had indeed quit coughing, but I couldn't point out when. That's the thing with having three so close together, and four total. I am a busy woman! Someone always needs something. I had all four sick at the same time, all with something different. Thankfully, they are all well now. I know they all finished their medicines, but I don't remember when each of their symptoms stopped. With my oldest I could have told you for sure. I was all over her. I try really hard to be all over them all. I think I do a good job. I just need to write it ALL down. Between laundry for 6 people, 3 meals plus snacks, school, doctors, dentists, orthodontists, extra curriculars, shopping and everyday life I just can't. I have an agenda to keep up with everything else. I look forward to work for that reason. Adult time, and a get away. The same time, I don't want to leave her.  I'm torn. Time to stop all this! I will live in the now and stop worrying about the rest. Two months already! Wow!

So grateful

I was driving to go pick Mylie up from school this afternoon and it just hit me. I am abundantly grateful for the life I have today. It has been a long hard road to get here. I have a vehicle that cranks every time I get in it. All it's functions works properly (heat, ac, radio). I have a cute little house to live in and we are looking into something bigger. Not just looking, but we will actually be able to move. It's not just wishful thinking. I have a good job that I enjoy doing. I have 4 beautiful, funny, smart children. My parents are still a live. I have amazing in laws that treat my children as their true grand kids. I have been given such a blessing their. Their biological grand parents don't treat them as well, heck they don't even know their father's parents. I am able to provide all the clothing, diapers, toys and treats they can ask for. I don't but i can. For those that have known me the longest know that is a big deal. Their was a time I had to ask for diaper money. Things aren't rosy, I mean this is life. Things happen, feelings get hurt, this is real. I'll take this over what I had any day. I am happy. I am grateful.