Coming undone

I am drowning. I cannot even describe the emotions I have going through me. It's like being caught up in a tornado. Spinning out of control. Their are so many things going on in my life right now. In my family.  So much deceit. I'm unsure of who can be trusted. So much intentional hurt for personal satisfaction directed at my inner circle. I am both appalled and amazed at just how horrible someone can be to their own family.  What's worse is that it is coming from multiple directions.  I wish I could be less vague. I'd love nothing more than to call the scumbags out and tell the world who they really are. Now is not the time though. I will wait. I hope justice prevails. It's proving quite difficult to be so quiet. I've got this though. Time will tell.

Back in the Grind

My leave is over. I went back to work last weekend. Thankfully my coworkers rock and helped me move patients. It was a really long weekend. I missed my babies terribly. The night before I went back Mylie came up to me for a second goodnight kiss and to tell me that her tummy hurt because I wasn't going to be home the next day. That both warmed and broke my heart. She has such a loving spirit. I truly enjoyed having those weekends off with my family. The evenings are so rushed during the week. Getting lunches made, homework done, baths, dinner made, everyone fed and the kitchen cleaned all between the hours of four and seven doesn't leave a whole lot of time. We sit together to eat dinner. It's nice to discuss what's new with the girls at school and family business. I always go sing to Mylie before bed too. She loves it and honestly, I do too. That's the only downfall of having four children. Trying to give them each all of you everyday. Bronson and I play while Bree naps, I sing to Mylie before bed, Emma hangs out and talks to me while I get the next day's lunches made and I play with Bree once the others are in bed. It just seems like their just isn't enough time each day to give. I do my best to engage with them all during that time. It's really busy though. Everyone has so much to say and yet both adults want to wind down a bit too. Bryan and I have time together once everyone is settled in bed though. It's really important to me that they all know how much they matter to me. I try to make sure our home is filled with love. It's filled with chaos too, but mostly love.

A New Era

The reason for me starting the blog has come to an end. I will still write when I feel the need to. My babies are now 13, 5, 3 and 15 months. Our family is complete.I feel complete satisfaction with the size of our family. I adore each of my children and feel extremely blessed to have them. Our life has fallen into place. I have a wonderful husband. We compliment each other well. We fight just like every one else in a relationship does, but we are devoted to our family. We always find a way to compromise with each other. We are now settled into our gorgeous new home. It is large enough for each child to have a space of their own to get away to. I am so grateful for that. Emma has told me some of her friends have expressed a little envy of her because of her home and the things she has. I will admit that hearing that warms my heart. For the longest time I worried that she would be picked on for not having nice things, being poor. I drove he ugliest, run down vehicles for such a long time. She was embarrassed of them but didn't say anything at the time. Recently she admitted it. She didn't want to hurt my feelings before. It's not that I want her friends to envy her, I'm just glad that we are able to give her a life worth envy. With every thing in a good place, it made it more acceptable when my doctor said the "H" word. Since having Bree I have had a horrid time with my cycles. I have become anemic because of them. The anemia has brought on headaches all the time. At least five a week. I had dizzy spells and felt run down most of the time. My cycles were very painful. Sometimes I couldn't even stand up straight from the pain. All the symptoms made me very irritable. I tried to save my patience for the children so poor Bryan caught the brunt of my irritation. I went to the doctor more than once. We tried different birth control methods, hormones, nothing worked. So, last Friday I had a total hysterectomy. I kept my ovaries. No more periods. No more babies. I expected to grieve. I expected to feel regretful. So far that is not the case. I am healing from surgery, but otherwise feel great. I feel happy. I've felt an increased surge of love towards my husband. I feel OK. Maybe the grieving will come later. Maybe it won't.