Unsettled

I spoke with my father yesterday. He asked about my ex husband and if he is currently paying child support. My parents are divorced and he paid child support himself.  During the time he had to pay it he was an alcoholic. That being said, I told him no, my ex is not. He is currently five months behind and should be having his drivers licence suspended soon. I went on to say how some people get really upset about this and feel that the government should take his entire paycheck and put it towards his arrears. I do not agree. Everyone has to be able to live and have funds to do so. My father went on to say he feels they should put my ex in jail. That would motivate him to work hard at keeping a job so he can provide for the children he helped create. He said " Jennifer, don't you think that man is eating, drinking, smoking and buying things for himself? He's probably buying things for that woman he married and other people. He doesn't bother calling or seeing them. Why shouldn't he at least provide for his kids?" For some reason that really got to me. I thought about it all day. I guess since he was dealing with addiction and still paid child support. I still visited him. He still called me. I will admit, my father wasn't my favorite person during that time. He's since recovered and we are growing closer. His words just kept replaying in my head. I even dreamed about it last night. My ex was somehow in my house with all these boxes filled with toys and such that he was mailing out to other kids. I saw a box of toy cars addressed to a Matthew. I was so heart broken as my son doesn't even know the man exists. Not that Bronson is missing out. Bryan is a much better example of how a man should behave, and provide. I just don't want my kids to feel that their natural father doesn't love them. Mylie still asks about him all the time. Talise doesn't bother because she is really hurt by it all. Talise has even reached out to some of his family and didn't even get a return call or text It really hurts her. She feels unloved and alone. That breaks my heart. My kids did not ask for any of this. I expected more from his family. I never would have imagined that he wouldn't see his kids. Mylie has been slowly opening up and telling me things. It seems he had them lie to me  lot as well. I am grateful that they no longer have that pressure on them. I just hate that they have to experience pain and feel rejected. I wish their were a way to explain it that they could understand they are amazing. It is his ignorance and loss. I heard that he regrets listening to his brother and stopping seeing them, yet he's made no effort to correct that. I hope to shake this heavy heart now that I've gotten this off of my chest. I will never understand anyone ever being OK with not seeing their children.

So not ready

Before I even had Bree I dreaded having to go back to work from maternity leave. Silly, I know. Knowing that she is my last baby is very difficult for me. I don't want to miss anything. So I have counted the weeks and tried to not worry about it. Over all I did good. For some reason I had it in my head that I go back to work 12/15. I got up today to count the weeks again so I could call my boss to get put on the December schedule. I miscounted. I go back 12/8. I even called Human Resources to be sure. Now I am a mess. I have cried off and on all day. My stomach is in knots. I feel confidant in my husband and I know she will be properly cared for. I look forward to having my own money again and seeing my co-workers. I just really want to bring her with me. I know that is not at all a possibility. I love my job. It's just that I will never experience any of those firsts again. No more lasts either. She's recently started cooing a lot. She stares at me now. She looks for me in a room when someone else holds her. She seeks me out when she hears my voice. I am going to miss her terribly. I keep telling myself it's only two days. Seems like nothing but it is two very long, entire days. I will only get to sleep beside her. That's the only time I will get. I will make it. I did with Bronson. I thought he was my last too. Ugh.

Two Months!

I cannot wrap my brain around my tiny little baby being two months old already. It feels like we just came home from the hospital. She's much fatter than she used to be. She is in a size 1 diaper and filling out her newborn clothes now. She smiles at me now. She still sleeps most of the day, but she has started cooing when she is awake. She loves her bath. We are establishing a night time routine. A bottle, a good man belch, then a warm bath. I use the night time baby wash and pour warm water over her little belly while she lays back in the baby sling inside the tub. She coos, smiles and looks around. As soon as I lift her from the water she starts crying. She'd sleep in that tub if I let her. Once out and wrapped up, I give her a baby massage with gel oil, get her a fresh diaper and warm pajama's and her paci. She usually drifts off within a half hour of all this. I love cuddling with her. She is like a mini space heater. She nestles up super close and zonks out. I can breathe in her sweet baby smell and kiss her little head. I cannot believe this is my last go at this. It is bittersweet. I hold Bree as much as I can. Often, I'll feel guilty because I feel I am neglecting Bronson. Any time he comes to me I try to put her down and scoop him up. He's started to kiss and rub Bree more often. He sees that it please us. He's a good boy. He seems to have stopped trying to punish me. I'm torn at no more babies. I feel so foolish even letting that out. I have four beautiful healthy children. My last pregnancy wasn't fun. It wasn't horrible, but not fun. I'm not a fan of getting huge and uncomfortable. I love labor though. The entire process of having a baby is so miraculous. Such a tremendous blessing. Newborns are the most precious thing in the world. All the tiny baby noises, grunts and squirms. Feeling them on your chest.  I am soaking up as much of it as I can from Bree. She seems happy to oblige. I am grateful for every day I have with my babies. I am very protective of them. The idea of going back to work worries me. I just don't want to miss anything. This is my last chance at this. I wish their were a way for me to stay home and not miss a detail at all. At this time their simply isn't. Luckily I have my mother in law to help my husband. I know my babies are in good hands. I'm not worried about them in that sense any ways. I just worry that I'll miss a first. I didn't want to miss any firsts with the others either. This time seems so final that it weighs on me more to witness them all. I want to remember the lasts as well. I was speaking to my grand mother in law yesterday and she was asking if Bree was feeling better. I realized that Bree had indeed quit coughing, but I couldn't point out when. That's the thing with having three so close together, and four total. I am a busy woman! Someone always needs something. I had all four sick at the same time, all with something different. Thankfully, they are all well now. I know they all finished their medicines, but I don't remember when each of their symptoms stopped. With my oldest I could have told you for sure. I was all over her. I try really hard to be all over them all. I think I do a good job. I just need to write it ALL down. Between laundry for 6 people, 3 meals plus snacks, school, doctors, dentists, orthodontists, extra curriculars, shopping and everyday life I just can't. I have an agenda to keep up with everything else. I look forward to work for that reason. Adult time, and a get away. The same time, I don't want to leave her.  I'm torn. Time to stop all this! I will live in the now and stop worrying about the rest. Two months already! Wow!