Inner Voice

The quote " The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice"- Peggy O'Mara really speaks to me. I'm sure it does most parents. I  grew up in an abusive household. Name calling, beatings, nearly constant dysfunction. With that being said, my mother was often affectionate and said she loved me daily. I guess she felt that those things would erase the negative. We all know that bad memories tend to stick with us more than positive. I'm told frequently how patient I am as a mother. In fact, my current husband has referred to me as a doormat when it come to my kids. I have a hard time seeing it that way. Maybe because inside, when they are being loud, fighting or just all over the place I feel out of control myself. I know I have the crazy in me. I can envision pummeling people that really get to me, not just my kids. I don't do it. Just having the thought brings on tremendous guilt. I took to saying how I felt rather than acting out when my oldest child was very young. Rather than smacking her I'd tell her that what ever it was she was doing at the time to drive me mad made me feel like hitting her. I thought that by saying rather than doing it was somehow better. Now, when I hear her say the same things to her younger siblings I cringe. It is just as bad! I try to not ever call them bad or say that they are stupid. I say they need to behave better or that wasn't a smart choice. They still seem to have only heard the need to be better or not smart. It really bothers me! I am human. I have flipped out more times than I'd care to admit and spanked them, looked wild eyed, or said something I immediately wanted to take back. I feel like a failure. I mean, how in the world am I to raise confident, productive members of society will all the negative. I am like my mother. I give kisses all the time. I hug. I praise. I spoil. I try to take each of them out with me individually for quality time. I try to be fair. Maybe it's the ages they are at, 12, 4, 2, and 4 months. I know they love me. They follow me around and tell me all the time. I know it's unrealistic of me to think that anyone looks back at their childhood and only has happy memories. I just pray that all the positive out weighs the negative ones. I want my girls to know their worth, how very special and amazing they are. I want my son to be a responsible, loving, hard working young man and believe in himself. I want them all to know that I always love them, no matter what they do or who they become. I will always do whatever I can to make their lives better, to help attain what they want out of life. No, I won't always agree with them. I may cry. I may advise otherwise, but my love will never stop or change. I really hope their inner voice is a voice of love. A cheerleader, encouraging them, signing their praises.

Am I too personal?

I often wonder if people that read this, or my facebook posts think I am far too personal. My mother in law called me on it. She said I should only post positive things or something to that effect. I think a lot of people feel that way. To me it isn't real. I am human. I experience both positive and negative. Sometimes things are wonderful, sometimes things are extremely difficult. Even though I am almost an open book, I do hold back a lot. I refuse to paint everyone in bright, happy, smiley light though. Life doesn't happen that way. I hope that I do not come across as transparent, difficult to please or bitchy. I am just me. Not perfect by any means. I try to be the best me possible and fail often. I love fiercely. I am beyond sensitive. I over think. I may forgive, but never forget. I have tantrums. I feel guilty almost instantly every single time I raise my voice. I usually handle conflict from anyone that I am not sure loves me with passive aggression. I am extremely sarcastic. I find horrible, mean things humorous. I am opinionated. I am loyal. I am me. I do my best to be a decent, productive, helpful person. I am not and will not be a door mat. I take more crap from my kids than I ever will from anyone else.  My bark is bigger than my bite. I expect the same of anyone that loves me. I want to feel treasured. Not only by my husband and children but by my friends. I choose them carefully. I guard them. I am easily hurt and expect a lot out of people. I am often let down. So, please, if I offend. If I come across as too forward or too open. I am me. I am just getting through life just like every one else. Feel free to message me, comment or email me. I welcome the input. Oh! This is in no way about my mother in law. She is amazing, I adore her.  I just mentioned what she said because I found it relevant.

Unsettled

I spoke with my father yesterday. He asked about my ex husband and if he is currently paying child support. My parents are divorced and he paid child support himself.  During the time he had to pay it he was an alcoholic. That being said, I told him no, my ex is not. He is currently five months behind and should be having his drivers licence suspended soon. I went on to say how some people get really upset about this and feel that the government should take his entire paycheck and put it towards his arrears. I do not agree. Everyone has to be able to live and have funds to do so. My father went on to say he feels they should put my ex in jail. That would motivate him to work hard at keeping a job so he can provide for the children he helped create. He said " Jennifer, don't you think that man is eating, drinking, smoking and buying things for himself? He's probably buying things for that woman he married and other people. He doesn't bother calling or seeing them. Why shouldn't he at least provide for his kids?" For some reason that really got to me. I thought about it all day. I guess since he was dealing with addiction and still paid child support. I still visited him. He still called me. I will admit, my father wasn't my favorite person during that time. He's since recovered and we are growing closer. His words just kept replaying in my head. I even dreamed about it last night. My ex was somehow in my house with all these boxes filled with toys and such that he was mailing out to other kids. I saw a box of toy cars addressed to a Matthew. I was so heart broken as my son doesn't even know the man exists. Not that Bronson is missing out. Bryan is a much better example of how a man should behave, and provide. I just don't want my kids to feel that their natural father doesn't love them. Mylie still asks about him all the time. Talise doesn't bother because she is really hurt by it all. Talise has even reached out to some of his family and didn't even get a return call or text It really hurts her. She feels unloved and alone. That breaks my heart. My kids did not ask for any of this. I expected more from his family. I never would have imagined that he wouldn't see his kids. Mylie has been slowly opening up and telling me things. It seems he had them lie to me  lot as well. I am grateful that they no longer have that pressure on them. I just hate that they have to experience pain and feel rejected. I wish their were a way to explain it that they could understand they are amazing. It is his ignorance and loss. I heard that he regrets listening to his brother and stopping seeing them, yet he's made no effort to correct that. I hope to shake this heavy heart now that I've gotten this off of my chest. I will never understand anyone ever being OK with not seeing their children.