Today started out well enough. I had to rush to get the girls from the sitter and take the to the nutritionist. That went well. Talise can eat a lot more things than I thought, which made her happy, me too. I don't want her to feel left out, but I don't want her to get heavy either. So we get home and Mylie and I lay down. Talise hates when I have to go to sleep after work. I don't blame her, she's bored. I would be too. She let me sleep though, or tried to. My mom called, which woke me up, but gave Talise someone to talk to. Then Carlos called...6 TIMES!!!!!!!! that just plain pissed me off. When I got up after the last call I asked Talise to get me a glass of tea, which she happily did. Then I asked her where my cell phone was, it was supposed to be on the charger, but I knew that she spoke to my mom on it so I figured it wasn't. I was right. Not only was it not on the charger but she had destroyed the house. Sofa cushions were everywhere, there was a huge mixing bowl with what was left of cereal and milk on the table, toys all over the floor, grapes everywhere. I was mad. I told her to get in there and pick up her mess, and find my phone. She started arguing with me! Saying she couldn't look for my phone if she was cleaning up the sofa. So I jumped up and spanked her, but not until she ran in her room to hide where I find Fernando asleep! I didn't even know he had come home. Instead of entertaining his poor bored to death daughter, he takes a nap! So as I was going to the bathroom I see where Talise has Mylie's baby powder out in the dining room, after she said she put it away. So I hollered at her to come get it and put it where it goes. She wouldn't come to me. she said she was too scared. So I popped her on the leg again, once she finally got it and put it in Mylie's room. Then I finally make it to the bathroom and see where Talise had pooped her pants and left it in the bathroom floor!!!!!! So I called her in there and made her get down to see what I was angry about and told her to clean it up. She tossed it in the laundry room. I told her no, you have to clean up the poop before you put the panties in the laundry room. After she cleans it up I notice one of Mylie's baby spoons on the bathroom counter. I pick it up and carry it with me to my bedroom where Talise is to ask her why she messed with it. Mylie's hasn't even gotten to use them yet! As I hold it up for her to see she turns around real fast to take off away from me and her hair catches around the rubber tip of the spoon and pulls. She started screaming and I had to get the spoon out of her hair. She did go clean up the sofa and I was so upset that I had to throw up. While I a heaving I hear Fernando telling her it was her fault that I was sick, because of all her crying. That pissed me off! When she came in the bedroom where I was nursing Mylie I told her it was not her fault that I got sick, I got sick because I was so upset, not because she cried. I apologized for loosing my temper. I still hate myself for it. I got no sleep, I am stressed out, I have a ton on my plate, and I was angry at Fernando for not staying up with her. He doesn't seem to care how all of this affects me. I cried. I called my mom, she made me feel a little better. It was like I was watching myself, or I was possessed or something. I know how it feels to be treated that way and yet I still did it. I don't understand why. When I am stressed Fernando focuses on making it worse. He'll make little comments or holler out. I yelled at Talise so while I was vomiting he would yell out just the same exact thing and the same exact way I did. He did it just to upset me. I don't understand. Why didn't he step in and stop me. Why didn't he try to calm me down? We don't deserve to be parents. I don't want to leave him, but sometimes I think we'd be better off apart. So basically, my day sucked. I totally failed my daughter. I hope I can do better tomorrow. I pray that I do enough good to make up for the bad.
