Wednesday, September 21, 2011
How stupid is this? My man prefers a bigger girl, not obese but pretty close. He told me this BEFORE I saw any pictures of his exes. I thought cool, I'm not slender by any means so we are cool. Then, I keep finding pictures of girls he dated. O.M.G! Then one that got away...huge! I'm talking pre-baby roll after roll. My entire cranium could fit in one of her boobs! SERIOUSLY! I SHOULD feel like Hell Yeah! I am fricking awesome compared to these girls. So completely NOT the case! Seeing the three different girls that I saw, makes me want to starve myself! I've been a bigger girl, hell I was a total fat ass! I know some people are into that but I cannot wrap my brain around it. I was disgusted by myself then. I am a total emotional eater and was completely miserable then. I refuse to get big again. Right now, I could stand to lose at least 25 lbs. I cannot stand to be seen naked while standing. Silly huh? Whats the difference in standing a laying? When you're lying down everything spreads out evenly. My guy tells me how pretty, sexy, beautiful I am daily. I should be pleased but honestly I feel like men will say just about anything to get a piece. What's even more fucked up? I am in tune to guys. I can tell when they are into me. I see them stare and pay attention to their word choices. Most men are unbelievably transparent. I've had men at work, patients, be puking then say how embarrassed they are and how lucky to have such a beautiful nurse! I'm not a nurse! Whatever! No way could I be. Nurses bust their tails and do some disgusting stuff! Not enough money in the world for some of the tasks and patients they are subjected too, but I digress. I don't understand insecurities. Why is it that regardless of the affirmations we receive, or logic and reasoning they over rule? It just isn't right! I am a guilty mom, always questioning myself. I worry non-stop about my job and when a doctor, nurse, tech, whatever asks me if I "see anything" even if I do I am SO reluctant to say anything out of insecurities. Relationships? I over compensate then feel like a total douche! Of course someone is going to think it is OK to wake me up at 6 in the morning to make a lunch that they were too lazy to make for them selves if I keep putting out there that I am less than you! So why? I know that I am not a stupid woman, so again, why? Fricking insecurities, they suck ass!