Not very lady like

I've been doing a lot of thinking. Trying to figure out how to handle certain situations. From a very young age I've been taught to behave properly. Act like a lady. Be polite. Be the bigger person. Be respectful and respectable. The problem is, that doesn't always work. I can go completely out of my way to be kind and if someone has decided not to like me it doesn't matter. So after great thought and discussion Ive decided why bother? Nothing I have done has changed anything. I don't want to be at all ugly to anyone. However if I am described as psycho, and unliked why not be considered psycho and unliked for good reason? I am by no means saying I will go out of my way to be spiteful, malicious or conniving in any way. I will just no longer hold back. For now on I will speak my mind. Holding it all in breeds resentment. All the resentment built up inside me is not only causing me stress but it trickles out to others. It will be difficult to let go but I bet it will be freeing as well.

People who live in glass houses...

It truly amazes me the way some people's minds work. How certain actions are justified by some, but not others. Why is it alright for one to seek out any tidbit of information that can possibly be turned into something remotely negative and it be completely accepted. In fact, not only accepted, but embraced as if they were honorable. I would love an explanation. How a general statement can be assumed and twisted. Then when people get bent out of shape over what they believe to be true, the author is at fault.  Even though the upset is due to conniving and sneaky behavior.  The digging, stalking, stealing of information, poor interpretation, assumptions and rewording of statements is regarded as dignified. If I am  asked about what I say or write I am happy to explain.  I try my best to always be accountable. I own up to whatever I put out into the world. I shouldn't have to defend my words, thoughts or feelings because someone believes that my comment is about them. If I chose to explain, what I say should be accepted or at least considered. When a person I have blocked to help prevent any problems goes so far as accessing someone else's accounts to see what I write they have a problem. When they intercept emails I write to a mutual friend, read them, forward the email to themselves, then delete the email so the person it was intended for never sees it, they have a problem. I find it both frightening and flattering. Obviously the person is stalking me. I must consume their thoughts. Why else would they go to such lengths to try to get at me? I must be pretty spectacular to cause such insecurity in others. The fear comes from the absolute, pure crazy that must reside inside such a person causing them to behave in such a way. Either way, it's nice to know that someone is always thinking of me. Maybe one day the people that think it's alright to hold a different set of standards and acceptable behavior for certain people and not others will see the fault in that way of  thinking. Doubtful, but I can hope. I refuse to accept it. I will not filter myself from expression to appease others. I understand that many believe in keeping things bottled up, not sharing dirty laundry. I feel that a full life has highs and lows. I chose to share both. I am real. I relate to and respect people that are real and open with me.  Anyone that is overly quiet or only speaks about positives I have a difficult time trusting. Life doesn't work that way. People sometimes disagree. Children sometimes misbehave. Spouses sometimes cheat. Houses sometimes foreclose. Things happen. Talking about going through difficult times makes them easier to get through. At least it does for me.  It doesn't matter though. My choice to be  honest and open is also serving as a place for others to lay blame. I'm sure this too, will be sought out. I will be surprised if my words aren't again a source for upset. We all look at the same situation from a different perspective. Grasping that has proven difficult for some. People will most likely stay bothered by my thoughts and my willingness to share them. I try to use general terms to spare feelings, but it seems that being general makes more people assume my thoughts are regarding them. Its sad that they see so much negativity in themselves to make such assumptions. I have no control over that though.  I will continue to write about my life because it brings me peace.

I am no shrinking violet

I feel betrayed. It's a horrible feeling. What's worse is not being able to confront the ones that do it.  It seems so many  that claim to accept and love my family truly don't. At least they are nice to my face. It is hurtful. Maybe because I respectfully speak my mind when asked. I do voice my concerns. I do not just sit back and obey. These are all qualities my husband loves about me. He lived as a single man for 35 years. He worked, slept, and partied mostly. He spent more time with his family than he is able to now I believe. When we met we had an instant, intense connection. Everything happened rather quickly and it seemed to have upset people. My husband and I disagree on occasion, just like every other couple. We stay respectful, do not name call or get physical in any way. Call me naive but I have no worries about him running around on me. you know why? He chose me and my three children out of all the women he dated in his 35 years before we met. He's not as expressive as I am but that man adores me. He shows it. Even when he is mad at me he always tells me he loves me and kisses me bye before work. He always is sure to tell me good night. He puts me and our family first. We are partners. I wouldn't ever hurt him in any way either. I am proud of the man he is. I know in my heart he would do anything to protect and support us. I would do the same for him. I make sure he eats well and has a hot meal when he gets home from work. When I am out and see something he's mentioned wanting, I get it.  We laugh, we share the same interests, we enjoy each other. We compliment each other. I keep a clean house and the laundry washed all week, so he picks up on the weekends for me. That way I don't have to come home to a filthy house after working 32 hours in 48 hours. I get up with Bree all week so he can sleep before work and he gets up with her if she wakes 2 nights a week for me. He works overtime as often as he can so we have extra money to save and go out on. Although we rarely go out. He chooses to work extra. he doesn't have to because I do not sit at home all the time. I work to. I contribute more funds towards our family than he does. It hurts me to hear that people get pissy about him having to get up with our baby 2 nights a week. he worked more overtime when he had his sister and her family or 4 living in his house with out contributing, but that was OK I guess. He doesn't go out on the weekends while I work because he is intimidated to take all the kids out without my help. He doesn't call or visit family much any more because he'd rather spend time with us. He's hurt by all the negative he hears about me. He sees all the effort I make to be loving to everyone. It's really sad. I've overlooked so much out of love for him so he is happy. I do not understand why the rest of his loved ones cannot do the same. i love our mom. She is the only one that seems to truly accept us. Knowing my children are viewed differently than our child together is extremely hurtful. i am trying very hard to not act out or be bitter about it but it has weighed heavy on my heart. That makes it quite difficult to forgive. I love that my husbands family gets together often. I really enjoy that. Now that the negativity is trickling down to my children as well we may all stop attending them. The worst part of all of this is no one will ever come ask me anything. They won't speak to me about any issues they have with me or about me. Its all smiles to the face and knives in the back.