My oldest child is a pre-teen. That sentence alone is enough to induce panic in me. In just the last two years she has gone from this:

To this:

She is just so beautiful. She doesn't see it. She really dislikes me taking her picture. Sometimes she catches me staring at her. She gets upset when she does. She is getting so slim. I've been having to buy her new jeans for the first time in three years because her old ones are too big.  She got boys after her like crazy and unfortunately learning how mean an envious girl can be. She's also learning the value of true friendship.  I feel this is the most difficult age to parent. Everything is such a gray area. I never know when it's OK to cuddle her or not. Sometimes she's really receptive to affection. When she's not, the way she jerks away so fast, as if I am contagious, really hurts.  She has always been such a fun, silly girl. I like to be silly with her. That is also a sensitive area. Usually my jokes and sarcasm are received as just that, others it is considered an insult of some sort and tears or angers follows. She wants more privacy, but is still too immature for as much as she requests. She helps me out so much with her siblings and around the house, but won't do much without my asking first.  She has the normal teenage angst. I know it is a phase that will pass, probably all too soon. It is exciting seeing her transform into a young lady. Seeing how talented she is, hearing her praise by others fills my soul with pride. She is extraordinary. I am overcome with love for her. Everything about her that makes raising her at this age difficult is compounded when seeing interactions with her peers. Hearing about her disagreements with her friends is tough. When girls get vicious it is intensely difficult to remain an adult and not flip out! I feel a much greater need to protect now. Not that I haven't always been protective, but I remember being a teenage girl. I can still recall  certain girls that turned on me and tried to make others follow suit. When I see a post on social media saying negative remarks about my daughter I am taken back to that feeling from my childhood. I have to fight to refrain from getting snarky.  I read often about teens being bullied and taking their own life, or snapping and hurting others. I'll be damned if that's one of my babies. Not if I can help it. It's even worse when she feels an injustice by an adult. That really ignites a fire in me. I have learned to go straight to the source and hear out both sides. Even the times the adult is justified my heart still aches for my daughter because of how the situation affected her. Remember those boys I mentioned earlier? That's another conundrum I am not ready for. She's had boys claim her since she was three years old. I've never been a fan, but now that hormones are involved it causes anxiety for me. On the one hand, I love seeing her face light up when she shows me a note from her boyfriend. I am grateful that she confides in me and actually shows me the messages. I dread heart break. I know it will happen one day. It sucks to see your baby hurt and not be able to fix it. I hate the thoughts. Trying to properly parent her rather than be her friend usually makes her mad at me. It's difficult. I love her so much. I pray that once we get through these years she will still love me, and call. I want us to be close. I want to be liked, but I want her to be a productive member of society with good morals and self respect more. I know once she is grown, has a child of her own and experiences the overwhelming love parents have she will understand. Hopefully then it will click and she will come back to me if things get strained between us. Until then I will do my best to give her as much love as she needs the way she needs it and pray.

Look at this face

See this tiny little face? Five months ago today I got to see this precious little face for the first time. She came into this world looking so much like her father our only resemblance was that we are both girls. She was the smallest baby I have ever held in my arms. She was absolutely beautiful to me. All my worries about how she'd look compared to my other children were washed away the first time I laid eyes on her.

Look at how much this precious, not so little, face has changed! She is even more beautiful to me. She is resembling me and her brother and sisters more each day. She is such a sweet natured, happy girl. She is in my arms always. She is in constant motion. She coos, laughs and smiles so much. She is such a blessing. We are are extremely grateful to have her in our family. I love hugging her. I am pretty much the only one she will just relax on, and I cherish that. She will lay her sweet smelling head on my chest and go limp. I just rub her back, or wrap my arms around her and try to soak up every ounce of tiny baby goodness. She is quite curious, loves interacting with her siblings, and chews her hands all the time. She sits well with assistance, can roll from her tummy to back and from back to her side. No solids yet and no crawling. I fear that I may hinder that skill because I keep her in my arms so much. She likes being worn when we go shopping, and adores having Mylie sing to her. She will calm almost instantly when Mylie does. She wakes up happy and has recently started sleeping through the night.  I am so in love with this girl.

Where do you see yourself?

On the radio this morning they hosts were talking about how far they've come in 10 years. How they never would have thought they'd make it to where they are currently. I started thinking about it. Ten years ago I was an underemployed mother to a 2 year old little diva. I was unhappily married. I was so very poor. I had just started my core classes for my current career. I was on daycare assistance, housing assistance, foodstamps, and WIC. The government was paying for me to go to school. I was shuffling money around to pay bills before they were cut off.I lived in the least expensive apartments in my town. My neighbors openly smoked pot on their porch. My relationship with my ex was troublesome at best. I had Talise though. I also had a few good friends. I was 100 pounds over weight. I was just not in a happy place. My only joy was my very spirited, funny, mischievous daughter. Never would I have ever thought I would end up where I sit today. I am SO blessed. That same mischievous little diva is now 12 and still causing me headaches, but so much pride and joy as well. I have three other amazing children. All so different, and so much fun. I have an abundance of love. They love each other so too. I have a wonderful husband. He shows me love and fills me with confidence. I'm complimented daily on something. We are far from perfect, but so much closer to perfect than my last relationship. I've got an amazing family. I have an amazing extended family. I have wonderful in laws on both sides. I adore my brother's wife. I adore my husbands parents. I've grown so close to my mother in law. It's so nice because she treats me like a daughter and a friend. We don't have any of the baggage that is usually there with moms and daughters. I look forward to speaking to her on the phone and truly enjoy our visits. Bryan's parents are amazing, loving, warm grand parents. I have a great job that I love doing. I can provide for my family.  I love my co-workers and feel more like friends with them than just sharing a work space.  My husband owns (financing) our home and we have good, reliable vehicles. I no longer worry about finances. We can pay all our bills on time. I no longer require or even would qualify for any type of assistance.  I am now an average, healthy weight. I feel pretty good about myself, both physically and my character. I say all this not to brag, but to show gratitude and the realization of how far I've come. Looking back at the last ten years makes me anticipate the next ten. I cannot wait to see what they bring.