Friday, April 12, 2013
You have what you feel you deserve
I think that is how the saying is worded. That's the gist of it. I've heard it before I ever went to school, early in my first marriage. I remember thinking I know I deserve better than this. Not speaking of my ex husband at the time, because I truly loved him for most of our marriage even if he didn't deserve my love. We lived in a tiny single wide, one bedroom trailer in a trashy trailer park with the most ridiculous neighbors. It was exactly what you think of when you think of poor white trash. I was not raised that way. We were at least middle class. No fancy vacations every year, but I had nice things and didn't want for much as a child. We rarely made rent on time and rent was cheap. We walked down to the little lake and fished a lot. We were broke. I didn't work and he barely worked. His job was weather dependent. Everyone told me that we all struggle in the beginning of life. It was part of starting out. My ex had seven jobs that first year. Yes, seven. I was 19, he was 27. I talked him into going to trucking school and things started looking up. I got pregnant with our first child and thought, naively, that having a baby would set his priorities. He'd keep a job and be responsible because it's not just us. If I'm not worth working for surely our precious little baby is. He quit his trucking job when I found out I was pregnant. When she was 4 months old he quit another job, then another, then another. I remember thinking my baby deserves more. I'd get so jealous of my friends that could go by their babies new clothes from nice stores, and go have their photo's taken at nice places. I always got the free picture. Most of her clothes came from yard sales and dollar stores. Thank goodness for my mom. She bought her lots of things she needed. That is when I decided it is up to me to change my life. I decided to go to school. I went to the department of labor to see what careers were most in demand. I didn't want to go to school and still be jobless. It was difficult, but I did it. I graduated x-ray school with a degree. I was so proud. I even got a great job as a student making more money than I ever imagined I would. We were quickly able to save for a house. My brother in law had helped my ex husband stay employed with him. He put out so many fires my ex started. I don't know where we'd be without all his help. I thought, this is it. I will finally have what I deserve. I've worked so hard to get it. I have been rock bottom financially, our relationship was rocky at best. When I started getting paid he was nicer, but jealous. I am an emotional eater so during my early marriage, between all the abuse and financial struggle I got insanely fat. You'd think being broke would thin a person out. Not having funds to buy junk. The thing is, most food banks give out junk. Processed foods that keep for a while. Yes, we were that bad off. I often went to food banks, churches and other organizations for help. I worked while I was in school though. I didn't use the government. I am grateful for it's help. I got off track. We found a house that we liked and signed a contract to start building. All was going great. We got moved in and loved it. Our community was nice, it had a pool we could take Talise to. Their was always some community function happening. It was great. I had gastric bypass surgery because I was disgusted with how I looked. I am not a fat person. Inside, I never was. I was just a miserable person. I wanted to be happy and confidant again. The recovery was long and hard. I followed the rules and the weight fell off in 6 months. It was amazing. I went from a size 20-22 to a 4-6. So now I was thin, young, had a great house and daughter. I felt like I had made it for a short while. Just two years into having our house I lost my job. My ex didn't make enough money to pay the mortgage. I worked three prn jobs to try to keep our house. I applied at every hospital and clinic within an hour of me. Even ones I knew I didn't want to work at. I didn't want to lose what I had worked so hard for. My ex refused to get a second job. We were going to file chapter 13 so we could keep our house. Then I found out I was pregnant. I did not want to have to deny my new baby anything so our house foreclosed and we moved into a rental. It was embarrassing. The rental was old and shabby. I hated it. When I brought Mylie home from the hospital I cried because I felt like such a failure. I got my current job when Mylie was 3 weeks old. Thank goodness for it because my ex quit working when she was 4 months old. I moved to Alabama so I could afford to take care of my family. I did too. I worked and paid for everything. I even took us on a small vacation. When I got pregnant with Bronson I told my ex he HAD to work. Period. He was 39 yrs old and useless. I put him through trucking school again as his cdl had expired. No job was good enough for him. He quit three trucking company's before he left. He left when Bronson was 2 months old. I cried for 10 minutes out of shock then realised I was much better off. Maybe now I could have what I deserved. The last two years have been a whirlwind. I met and fell in love with my husband. We married, had a baby and on Monday we sign a contract to start building our home. When I spoke to the mortgage broker and she told me we were approved and how much for I cried. I have struggled so much and worked so hard and every time I though this is it, something bad happened. My marriage is far from perfect. I adore my husband and he adores me. He is the most responsible man I know. He would shovel poo if he had to in order to provide for our children. When we went and looked at the house we plan to build I thought, this is gorgeous. No way will we be able to live here. It is what I always imagined as mine. What I always thought I'd have, but didn't. When she said yes, pick a lot you are approved I cried out of joy and the realization that I did not work or suffer in vain. I have an equal that will bust his tail to keep what we have. We both deserve to have something to be proud of. Don't get me wrong, I love the house we are in now. I love one of our neighbors, our yard and the area we live in. We are just too much for such a little place. Our kids will no longer have to share a room. They will have a pool and playground to go to. We will be in the middle of everything. We are both so excited. Life feels good right now.