True Colors

People can't hide their true identity forever. You know, we all do it. Put our best foot forward when we first meet people. Presenting our best selves.  As relationships develop tidbits of our true feelings peek out. Often when we see sides of the people we care about that we don't like we just over look it. Rather than trust our intuition, we continue on as if nothing was given. All is sunshine and happiness. I do it more often than I'd like to admit. I wish I would just follow my gut. I feel guilty when I think badly of someone. When I get that uneasy vibe I just brush it off. Doing that has burned me so many times. I've had a lot on my plate emotionally lately. My family has been going through some difficult horrible things. Dealing with the aftermath of it all has some of us in counseling. I am one of those seeing a therapist. So when someone that has betrayed my trust and invited drama into my life needed help I was hesitant and spoke to my dear therapist about it. She strongly advised against it. I care about the person in need a great deal even though I feel like I cannot trust them. I did not want them to feel unimportant, or be hurt by my not helping. So, in spite of my doctors orders I said OK. I will admit, I had to take a Xanax to be there for the person without breaking down myself. Well that was about a month ago and things have been alright until Sunday. The main story is second hand as I was working at the time, but this is what I was told. My sweet baby thinks she is too big for her high chair. She wanted a snack. She saw Emma eating some chips and salsa so she pulled her tiny self into one of our breakfast chairs and stood at the table. We've told her several times not to stand in the chair. She's 18 months old though. She's either too determined to be big like the others or doesn't have the impulse control to not do it. Probably a bit of both. Mylie decided she wanted some grapes and asked Emma to get some for her. As Emma was getting the grapes, Bree turned in her chair and reached for the door. When she did the chair tipped and Bree's precious little face slammed into our freezer. Like I said,I was at work. I was just starting to eat lunch when Bryan calls. I hear Bree screaming in the background. He asks me if you treat a nosebleed in a child like you would an adult. When I asked him why he said Bree's nose was bleeding from both nostrils and blood was pooling in her mouth. I immediately panicked and called one of our Dr.'s at work and told him what happened. He felt like Bree needed to be seen. I told Bryan to call his mom to watch the kids and get Bree down here. He said OK and we hung up. For some reason I felt compelled  to call his mom myself. When she answered she said she just got off the phone with Bryan. She had just finished loading her car to take Bryan's dad the last of his things to his rehabilitation center. She said Bryan should be calling me then. He was, so I hung up with her thinking he reached her in the nick of time. He proceeds to tell me that she said NO! His dad had been at rehab for 3 days at that point and wasn't going anywhere. Bree is her grand baby. She could have a broken nose or worse and she said no. I've heard her talk of meeting Bryan's sister at the hospital because one of her kids had a fever. Hell, she's talked about staying up all night and checking on Bryan's sister every 30 minutes because she didn't feel well. She stayed at her house and took care of her baby so his sister could rest. To me her actions, or lack there of is a huge red flag. Her lack of response or concern for her grand child is unforgivable. I am utterly, hopelessly disappointed. The only other person in his family I felt close to has let my baby down. That straight pisses me off. What's worse is all of my family is out of state and my friends are either out of state or live far from me. Thank goodness for my co-workers and therapist. They all let me vent and help me see the other side of a situation. I am pulling away from all of his family for a while.

Six Fabulous Years

My sweet doodlebug is turning six this month. She's such an outstanding girl. She is so smart, artistic, funny and warm. She is such a loving big sister, especially to Bree. They seem to have a special bond. She is a typical little sister, aggravating Emma to no end. She wants to be like her older sister and it drives Emma insane. She is a great helper. She is a honor roll student. She is full of energy and very strong willed. She is looking forward to her birthday party. Planning has been fun. She picked out the invitations and helped me put them together. She is having an art party this year. They will be painting and we went last week to pick out the picture the kids will be taught to paint. She is really excited about that. Mylie asks to draw every single day. She is a creative girl and enjoys showing off her work. We went on pinterest to look at custom cakes for her to choose from. She is stoked about that. She chose a castle cake. I hope it turns out like the picture. I am so blessed to have this little girl in my life. I tried for 6.5 years to get pregnant with her. I prayed, begged God for another child. I had an easy pregnancy, fast and smooth labor, and laughed as she was born. It was such a happy event. She was calm and beautiful. Mylie was an easy going baby. Very cautious and playful. She's always loved to cuddle.I sing to her every night before, even though I can't carry a tune in a bucket. She snuggles up to smiling and always tells me how beautiful I sound. She has such a sweet spirit. She can find a reason to  compliment every person she encounters. I hope she stays that way, finding the good in others. She is forgiving and quick to apologize when she thinks she has hurt someone. She can hear a song on the radio one time and be able to sing it afterwards. She loves to swim and going to the beach. Mylie loves when Emma dresses her up, putting makeup on her and styling her hair. She likes to go outside with Bronson and play with the side walk chalk. She encourages him and tells him how good his drawing is. She always says, you did your best. She likes tickling Bree and making her giggle. Bree sounds so cute when she laughs and Mylie is just the goofiest girl ever. Mylie loves me. I can tell without her saying it. That's my favorite part. I know I'm her mom so it may sound crazy. Every loves their mom. Its different though. Maybe it's because of the like I feel from her as well. We have fun together. Every time I leave the house she has to hug and kiss me. She's so genuine when she does. The past six years have been fabulous. I thank God for them. I look forward to at least 50 more!

How do you know?

I've been dealing with a lot lately.  Big stuff. Mind numbing, I NEVER wanted to experience stuff. Things that will not leave my mind no matter how hard I try. I cry often. Any time alone immediately brings thoughts that I don't want in my head. Taking a shower and here they come. Invading my peace, bringing forth so much despair, anger, resentment. Driving to work I have gotten so consumed with them that I've missed my exit and ended up late from having to back track once I realised my error. Laying in bed, I cannot sleep. I think and rethink every possible thing I should have seen, or known but didn't. W. aves of guilt, rage, betrayal get my adrenaline pumping. My days are spent in exhaustion but I can stay busy. I clean, a lot. Someone hurt my child and I wasn't there to stop it. I couldn't protect them. I can't find the proper words to describe how that makes me feel. Failure. Sorry. Confused. Anger isn't a strong enough word. As soon as I knew I started doing everything I can to help them heal. It's a traumatizing process. DFCS, police detectives, forensics..the more I know the worse it is. I have a constant headache. I have stomach upset. When I try to talk about it with the investigators I start shaking badly which embarrasses me tons. I hurt SO much for my child. My baby that I begged for. How could I not know? My child is safe now. We have a long road ahead of us but progress is being made. I'd really like justice as well. I'm not sure that will happen though. I am pursuing it.  So I've had all this weight on me from this and the psychotic mess from my sister in law creating that profile from a previous post and nearly constant disapproval from other in laws. I broke down. I've had my fill. I believe in letting yourself feel what you need to feel. Experience it and move forward but I feel trapped in chaos. Belittling, hurtful, damaging chaos. I reached out. The physical symptoms of my anxiety and constant upset were getting the better of me. I found a wonderful counselor to speak with. What a blessing. She strongly recommended me see my primary physician for something to take the edge off. I was a blubbering, trembling mess. I'm lucky she didn't ship me right off to the loony bin. She didn't though. She made me feel a lot better and made a lot of since. I'm building up to something, promise. After my mother in law got a copy of the police report I had to file against my sister in law she came over with it. She was going on and on about how it proved nothing. She ended up getting me really upset. It seems no matter what my sister in law does the family somehow either justifies it, doesn't believe it or makes it my fault. I told my husband it would happen before she ever got a copy. I have been trying to pull away from everyone for my own emotional safety. I love my mother in law, but I may have to pull away from her as well. I changed my phone number and didn't give it to any of my in laws. I just can't take anymore nonsense. I am too emotionally fragile right now. I need to focus on healing my child and myself. Well, my husband calls me Sunday at work. Apparently his parents are splitting up and his mom wants to stay a week with his sister and a week with us. I love his mom, but she enabled his sister to have access to me a lot. She may not now, but after everything that has gone on I just don't know if it's a good idea. Plus, I'm kind of her sounding board. I know everyone needs one, and normally I don't mind. It's just that I usually end up getting angry about something that was said about me to her by someone else that she lets slip.  I am so torn. I don't want to turn her down when she needs us, but I really need to heal and I think it would be detrimental to that. Plus, she's made us aware that she needed to focus on other things in the past when we needed her. I just don't know. I wish their were a definite right answer. i don't want to hurt anyone, myself included.