Nightmares

My sleep has been less than peaceful lately. Due to stress I grind my teeth and clench my jaw. Sometimes I wake myself from the sound of my teeth grinding. Often times I wake with a very sore face and killer headache. Usually if I dream I don't remember them. Last night is a different story. I remember. It was dreadful. Where I live there is a huge lack of shopping centers. A huge lack of everything really, well, besides farms. In my horrid dream I had found a new mall, it was the neatest thing ever. Not far from home either.I was stumped as to how I hadn't found it sooner. It had a special play place for kids, that also served food. We went in. Bronson could walk, and I had my brothers girls with me also. We sat down to eat and a group of guys came up and one started flirting with me. I was trying to brush him off and Talise was bugging me to go play. I told her to stay close and watch out for her siblings. While I was distracted they took off. I finally ditched the guy and looked up and couldn't find my babies. Talise and my oldest niece were playing, but the younger ones were no where to be found. I started calling out for them. They were nowhere. I recruited help from the older two. Talise was defiant and refused to help,just walking away. Katarina, my niece , found her sister. I never found them. I woke up with my heart racing and my usual headache. It was the worst feeling ever. I pray that never happens. I wouldn't ever let them play without me any way. Still I felt so much panic and sorrow. Not a good way to start the day.

Ugh

I have been out of sorts lately. Fernando is trying very hard to be nice. Going out of his way to say nice things and be helpful as he can be. Wanting to see the kids, commenting on how cute Bronson is. He acts excited to talk to me. It hurts. It saddens me so. It's too late. That sucks. I cried the other day. He gets all sorts of help. It's just him. I have three kids. No one is helping us. That hurts. Everyone knows that I am responsible so no one offers. Talise was supposed to go shopping with her aunt which would have been a tremendous help as she has NO winter clothes. Fernando showed up that day so she didn't get to go. She still has no winter clothes. I cannot buy my kids winter clothes AND Christmas. I know things will work out, they always do. I'm just upset about it now. I have no family or close friends near by. My mom is sick and needs to rest. I called my boss to see about being off this weekend. He explained to me  that I need to have a backup baby sitter. A back up for 2 16 hour shifts. ALL WEEKEND! What friends I do have, have families. I have my mom, that's it. He explained that other employees have kids and make other arrangements.  I have no other arrangements TO make. It sucks! I will NOT just dump my precious babes on whoever. I ended up calling my mom crying so she would still come and just wear a mask. Later that evening my boss called back and offered me Saturday off. I accepted and thanked him.I hate to be a burden. I explained my situation to him. He has no kids, he doesn't seem to understand. Plus, he has parents alive and siblings. I have one brother that lives several states away. Maybe it's just hormones, or a pity party, but I really dislike feeling this way.

My Idea, take two!